Goodbye Monsoon Summer Playlist

If you live in the Northeast like I do, you’re probably about as sick of this summer’s striking resemblance to monsoon season as I am. Meanwhile, the meteorologists are all giddy because they get to coin new terms like “gustnado” – small, concentrated tornados that quickly sweep down your street and drop trees on your house while you’re at Home Depot! Sound a little specific? Yeah, that might’ve actually happened to me. I think the meteorologists should just go back to tracking meteors like they did in the old days. I mean what happens when a meteor filled with radioactive alien goop suddenly drops in the ocean and creates a race of giant mutant seahorses while they're off tracking silly things like weather? Hmmm?

But I digress.

The point I had been trying to make: this summer’s weather has sucked. We’re all tired of waking up to gloomy gray skies and sideways rain. Well, I’ve got your solution right here. First, watch a peppy mindless beach movie. No, not Beach Blanket Bingo - I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho Beach Party. Second, I’ve whipped up a little soundtrack to remind us of brighter days. If played loud enough (around 11 on the volume dial should do), these songs may actually scare the clouds away. Just point those speakers right out the windows – the neighbors won’t mind the noise if this works. Let’s give it a shot, shall we…

1. “Rockaway Beach” – The Ramones
2. “Steal My Sunshine” – Len
3. “Ocean Size” – Jane’s Addiction
4. “Surfin’ Cow” – Dead Milkmen
5. “Summer Nights” - Less Than Jake (Yes, it’s a Grease cover)
6. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
7. “Island In The Sun” – Weezer
8. “Goin’ Crazy (From The Heat)” – David Lee Roth
9. “Sun King” – The Cult
10. “Badfish” - Sublime

Any other suggestions? You know where the comments section is, kids…

Juano's Back - And Zombie Free For The Last 7 Days

I know, I know - no posts for a while. I got called away once again to thin the zombie hordes - this time in a small village in Africa where there was no internet access. Well, unless you count M'Tabe's Java Hut - but they only have one computer and the owner has a fetish for cannibal pygmy porn. You don't even want to know what the screen saver is.

It was a weird outbreak - zombie hippopotamus... hippopotami... hippopotamoose(?)! Ah, hippopotamuses (Thank you dictionary.com). M'Tabe actually got off of PersianPygmy.com long enough to track me down and send me an e-mail for my help. Lord knows I can't turn down anyone being overrun by the undead...whatever form they may take.

It was a long and messy battle, but I'm home now. So many things to catch up on, kids. And to answer Juanofan187's question, no, Michael Jackson is NOT part of the undead horde - but that was a very legitimate concern.

I try to keep a watchful eye on all the dead (and undead) celebs so you don't have to, keeping all your towns brain-biter free. I've missed you guys...

Juano’s Addiction Breaks The Silence To Talk About DRAG ME TO HELL…

…and how you should NOT go to see it. I’m seriously hoping that the karmic retribution department has tacked on an extra two hours to the end of my life to make up for the time I lost watching it.

Can it really be that bad, you ask? Okay, it may not be THAT bad, but it sure wasn’t good. So why did I even go to see it? Well, once upon a time, before Sam Raimi started wrecking the Spider-Man franchise, he worked on a much more legendary trilogy. True horror fans can quote the Evil Dead flicks verbatim, and Three Stooges fans could equally marvel at the slapstick adventures of Bruce Campbell and company - a wonderfully odd mixture with a delicate balance. Buckets of fake blood, rubber masks, possessed deer heads…ahh, the memories! So, when Drag Me To Hell was touted as “Sam Raimi’s return to horror”, my curiosity was piqued.

In retrospect, seeing the PG-13 rating, I should have fled the theatre. Or I could have just gone to see Star Trek again. But I stuck with my original plan, much to my dismay. Let’s jump right into the problems with this steamer, shall we?

Casting

A huge problem right out of the gate was casting Justin Long (Mac of “Mac and PC” fame) in the straight man role, when he has clearly proven his comedic timing in the past (see Dodgeball or Accepted for proof). Instead, he plays the straight-laced boyfriend to Christine Brown (played by the lovely, if somewhat stiff, Alison Lohman), the girl getting dragged to Hell. I’d hate to have to condemn Justin Long to eternal damnation, but it would’ve been a much better ride getting there. But I do have to say, if you should ever need a crazed old gypsy lady (the shamed Mrs. Ganush) to utter a curse (and possibly try to gum you to death with her dentures out), Lorna Raver is the way to go. The biggest casting mistake, though – no Bruce Campbell. Supposedly, the man with the chin was busy with his TV show (Burn Notice), but damn if he couldn’t have saved this stinker.
Maybe.

Plenty of viscous fluids, but where’s the blood?

We know Raimi likes to use a lot of gooey and messy fluids by the barrel – but for a horror movie, there was a distinct lack of dismemberment, disemboweling and good old-fashioned beheadings (What’s that? Yeah, I already told them it was PG-13. I still expect more chopping, dangit!). Instead, we got Mrs. Ganush’s “productive cough”, the aforementioned denture-free sliming as Christine was nearly gummed alive and the deceased Ganush’s fluid vomit (Was it embalming fluid? Lemonade? Corn liquor? Those crazy Gypsy morticians!). When we DID get to see blood, it came out of Christine’s nose. Granted, it was a humorously twisted spray hose of a nosebleed, but still…

Too many trips to the Evil Dead trick bag

Yes Mr. Raimi, you know that horror fans love our Evil Dead II references – but from you, we were hoping for something new. Instead, we got some carbon copy gags:

1. The laughing, animated objects at the séance – yeah, we remember the scene where they were trying to drive Ash crazy.
2. The Candarian Demons from Evil Dead were silly enough, but the possessed manservant in this film doing a jig while he’s floating… Yikes.
3. The possessed talking goat was the next logical procession of the Candarian mounted deer head, I guess…
4. As a ghoulish Mrs. Ganush tries to kill Christine again, the anvil-on-the-head gag not only ripped off Raimi’s earlier work (this scene could easily have been swapped for the eyeball-in-the-mouth gag from E.D. II), but also stole one of Wile E. Coyote’s trademark moves. Now, if she could’ve just said something like “Someone’s in my fruit cellaaaar!”, the circle would be complete.
5. The Ash-like behavior of Christine at the end, when she switches modes from frightened to pissed-off, is actually fairly humorous. Awww, they even gave her a catch phrase: “I’m gonna get me some!”. (I guess she gets points for looking much better in a wet t-shirt than Bruce Campbell, though…)
6. Ash’s car. Okay, this was actually a pretty funny nod – Mrs. Ganush drives a yellow ’73 Oldsmobile.
7. Numerous references to a "cabin in the woods" left us hoping the film would eventually find its way to Ash's hideaway. Not so much, though...

As a whole, the movie acted like it was taking itself seriously as a horror movie. The problem was, the sight gags became that much more outrageous as a result. The balance that I referred to with the Evil Dead flicks was tipped, and it just became a farce. If you’re going to see this movie, try to get a little drunk first. Then go home and watch Evil Dead II. If Sammy wanted to revisit the franchise, he should’ve created a worthy sibling to its Candarian brethren. Instead, we got the result of a failed inbreeding experiment…

Daddy, What's a CD?

“Sit down kids, and let me tell you a story. See, there used to be a time when you couldn’t just plug your brainstem into the download port and automatically absorb the music you wanted to hear. We had to go to the local record store and sift through bins of vinyl, racks of cassettes and shelves of CDs to find what we wanted. And sometimes *gasp*… the album we wanted wasn’t in stock.”

“But…I…where was the instant gratification?”

“I know it’s hard to believe – but we actually liked it. A few of us LOVED it. You could go in and look for a Misfits album and discover ten different bands that you NEEDED to hear. And the fanzines and posters and snotty record store workers… I miss being called a poser for picking up the newest Green Day disc. Those record store music nazis gave the verbal equivalent of a swift kick to the nuts – but you came out stronger for it!”

“Daddy, are you on the crackpipe? That sounds like the opposite of fun!”

“Oh kids, you just don’t get it. You’ve missed so much…”

Like human interaction…stacks of used/bargain discs that led to unabashed impulse buying…oversized cardboard cutouts of your favorite rock stars…walls of tie-dyed band shirts from yesteryear…provocative album art that gave you your first near-sex experience. Ah, those were the days. Wait a second, those things still exist!! The flesh-and-blood music scene isn’t as dead as the iGeneration would like you to believe.

Join us in celebrating the indie record store this Saturday (April 18th) – it’s the second annual Record Store Day! What does that mean? Well, this is a way to link up with your fellow music aficionados and spread the word to your friends – but on a nationwide kind of scale. Drag your lazy buddy off the couch, preach the word to your coworkers and tell your family…well, tell them you met a nice girl and you want them to meet her at the record shop. Don’t worry, once they get there, they’ll find all sorts of goodies - like in-store performances by all sorts of exciting bands, and RSD exclusive releases, ranging from limited edition discs/vinyl to t-shirts to “split singles” – vinyl singles with one band on the “A” side and another on the flipside.

More specifics, you say? Fine, here you go:

- Jack White (of White Stripes/Raconteurs fame) is using RSD to unveil his new group, The Dead Weather – they’ve got a two-track exclusive.

- Flight of the Conchords fans will be excited to hear about a 7-inch featuring a couple of unreleased tracks from their HBO show.

- A Tom Waits concert single, "Live from the Glitter and Doom Tour."

- Some of those split singles I talked about earlier? How about Elvis Costello/Jenny Lewis? Or Black Keys/Flaming Lips. Sonic Youth actually has two separate team-ups – one with Beck, the other with Jay Reatard.

So, if you love music (you know you do!), check in with your local record shop. Support the scene and score some cool stuff! If you want a list of participating stores, check here. I know for sure that Turn It Up! (Northampton, MA) is definitely onboard - they're starting the celebration tonight, with local faves The Maggies making a stop before their big show down the road at The Iron Horse later in the evening. WRSI (speaking of local music heroes) will also be on hand to help promote this wonderful event.

Not sure if your fave store is in on the fun? Give them a call! And again, check RecordStoreDay.com for more complete info. Buy it up, people!

(On a sad side note - R.I.P. About Music, Greenfield, MA. You were a wonderful little shop, and provided us with great music for many years. But look for their future web adventures at the relaunch of the About Music web site on May 1st.)

Today Only: Metal Memorabilia Auction

This is a first on Juano’s Addiction, so bear with us while we work out the kinks. We’ve got a lot of great items on the auction block today, though, and the money’s going to a great cause: The Hair Plug Society For Balding Rockers. Because seriously, not everyone can rock a shiny dome like Rob Halford.

Let’s jump right in here – we have some guests in house to introduce their items, so let’s get to it.

Juano’s Addiction: To start, let’s say hello to Vince Neil of Motley Crue. What do you have in your bag of goodies for us, Vince?
Vince Neil: Don’t call me Vince.
JA: Ummm..okay. What should I call you then? Is Mr. Neil okay?
VN: No. Today I’ll answer to “Grand Poobah”.
JA: Like on The Flintstones – that’s pretty funny! I thought you were serious for a minute…
VN: I’m DEADLY serious you twerp – it’s my title in the UNIVERSE, not from some stupid cartoon!! Whatever, let’s get to the selling!
JA: Fine, fine. What’ve you got for us?
VN: We’re selling our umlauts.
JA: Excuse me?
VN: You know, those stupid little dots we put over the “O” and the “U” in our name. We don’t wanna use ‘em any more. Mick said they make us look a little to faggy and European.
JA: You can’t sell umlauts.
VN: Bullshit. I mean, some new band could use them on their name. Like, if some kids wanted to call themselves “Deathcock”, they could totally stick them over the “A” and the “O” or something. It would rock.
JA: But, stay with me here, couldn’t they just use the umlauts on their own.
VN: Yeah, but these would be Motley Crue umlauts.
JA: Therefore proven NOT to be “European and”... that other derogatory term you used?
VN: Exactly!
JA: I feel like I’m having the “But ours go to 11” conversation. How about you throw in some spandex or something?
VN: How's this? It’s the first mascara I ever used for a gig.
JA: Now we’re talking. Start the bidding, kids…

Juano’s Addiction: Next up is something from Axl Rose of Guns’N’Roses fame. What do you have for us, Mr. Rose? Or do you prefer some other title like Vince did?
Axl Rose: Axl is fine. Or Puffy Bunny Pants, whichever you prefer.
JA: Okaaay. What have you got for us? It looks like…are those prescription bottles?
AR: Yeah, yeah. These are all the meds the docs say I should take to keep me on track. But I stopped taking them years ago, and none the worse for wear right? Wow, your head looks like a giant cheeseburger. It’s a good thing I decided to be a vegetarian this morning. Viva la Buckethead!
JA: Riiiiight, so you know we can’t legally sell these drugs on the internet, right?
AR: Oh, that’s okay Mayor McCheese! There’s no pills in them. But I’ve autographed them all with my paw print, and I’ve marked them with my scent.
JA: Okay, I’m scared to ask…
AR: I put them in the front of my spandex shorts when I go on stage.
JA: Way more info than I needed – but oddly, I’m sure that someone will bid on them.
AR: Burger Man, can I cornrow your hair? You’d look totally cool!
JA: Sorry, I’ve got to keep this auction rolling. But I’m betting Vince would love it.
AR: Nice. Is he the one who looks like a human llama?
JA: I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes…

Juano’s Addiction: This is the final guest that we have time for, and it’s a huge honor. For those of you who know me, you’re aware that this man plays bass for the band who headlined the first concert I ever attended: KISS. Yes, it’s none other than the God of Thunder, the Demon King, the man who was outed as Chaim Witz by none other than Lois Griffin on Family Guy: Gene Simmons!
Gene Simmons: Quite the introduction. But then I AM quite remarkable aren’t I?
JA: Damn straight. What do you have for us?
GS: My first codpiece from the early days. It was horribly uncomfortable, and a little ridiculous – it looked like two beach balls shoved into a trash bag and covered in tin foil.
JA: Ha! Yeah, that must’ve looked pretty unrealistic.
GS: I know – my manhood is at least twice that size, so I figured, why try to hide it?
JA: Right…you scare me a bit.
GS: As it should be. Do you mind if I throw up a couple more items?
JA: Not at all – the more money we can raise for this fantastic cause, the less balding mullets we have to endure.
GS: Great. So I’ve got some color-by-number paintings Petey Criss used to do while we were on tour, a lock of Paul Stanley’s chest hair, and a Chia Pet that Ace grew in his very own back window. Plus, I could probably part with some KISS lunchboxes, KISS throw rugs, anatomically correct KISS blow-up dolls and some lovely KISS thongs for the ladies – these would all be in lots of 100, but I’d only need a twenty percent cut on that.
JA: Ummm…you know ALL the money is going to charity, right?
GS: I better get a little cash. Do you know how pissed Paul’s going to be when he wakes up with a big bald spot on his chest?
JA: Well, if you take Axl along with you, I bet he could cornrow that right back onto him before he misses it.
GS: You think?
JA: I can almost guarantee it.

That’s all we’ve got time for now, kids. Don’t be April Fools, get your bids in now!

1001 Reasons To Strangle The Talking Chin

I hate you Jay Leno.

Yes, it’s completely irrational. I mean, granted, I’ve never thought you were all that funny. In fact, you have actually annoyed me at your inability to make me laugh coupled with the fact that your chin looks like it was grown in a lab using steroids and ape DNA. But none of that has ever actually affected me until now.

So, what is it that you’ve done? Well, your shift to prime time TV next fall is a move into my friends’ neighborhood. Suddenly there are 5 less spots for my buddies to live, since you took up so much space. Chuck’s job at the Buy More barely covers rent, and do you think Morgan’s got any money to lend him? Or the DuBois family – Alison’s psychic abilities sure didn’t detect this kind of betrayal. Thanks a lot, pal – you couldn’t have just found a nice retirement home for late night hosts?!

Okay, realistically, I know it’s not Jay Leno’s fault. But he’s a good face to attach my anger to. After all, I don’t even know what Jeff Zucker (chief executive of NBC Universal) looks like, so I can’t even shake a fist in his general direction. What has Mr. Zucker done, you ask? Well, he’s the one who wooed Leno into the 10 p.m. time slot in a bid to both retain his audience and keep Jay himself from jumping boat to a competing network. It makes financial sense – a “Tonight Show v. 2.0” is a guarantee to hard-to-please advertisers, and it’s much cheaper to produce than a scripted drama. But when late night shows start bleeding into prime time, it begs the question – how many do we really need?

The even bigger quandary: what happens to the current scripted landscape? E.R. is taking its final bow this year, so at least that’s one less headache. And despite denials from Knight Rider’s show runners, I think we can safely start planning the funeral for that clunker as well. Plus, sadly, Life never got the push that it deserved, leaving Charlie Crews and Co. on the seriously endangered list as well. But the most surprising exit possibility would come from one of the “Must See TV” comedies. My Name Is Earl hits local syndication next year, and unless it gets cheaper to produce/license, it could be left on the chopping block with the atrocious Kath & Kim.

And NBC has already attempted some cost-cutting measures this season by sharing production costs of Friday Night Lights with DirecTV (and letting them air the episodes first), which staved off cancellation for one year. But unless DirecTV agrees to pick up even more of the tab next season, FNL might be a goner as well. Similarly, we’ve seen some of the 500 or so Law & Order titles migrating to the USA network (which, along with the SciFi Channel, is also owned by NBC Universal) to chop the budget, so another L & O move wouldn’t be shocking.

Which leaves shows like Chuck and Medium scrambling for any remaining slots. Mr. Zucker, if you’re reading this I’ll give you a hint: pick up Chuck. Vastly entertaining, wonderful cast, a blend of action and comedy that just WORKS. You gave it a chance picking it up for a full order before this season started – now just stick with that gut feeling. Promo the hell out of it, and let other people fall in love with this underrated gem. Start selling merchandise - hell, I'd chip in for a Chuck lunchbox, a Nerd Herd VW Matchbox car or some Intersect Underoos! I do love Medium, but I’m hoping that CBS (who produces the show) would pick it up on their own network (which they’ve threatened to do every year). I’d love to see both back, but that may mean I’d have to strangle the talking chin to free up some air time.

Damn you, Jay Leno!

If it would save Life too, I’d choke the monologue out of him right now. I bet I could get Conan O'Brien on-board for this plan...

Happy Friday The 13th!

Hi everyone! Two Friday the 13ths in a row? Crazy! I've got my hockey mask on again, how about you?

I know it's been a while, but it's taken a while to clean up after the bloodbath from Mr. Voorhees' appearance last month. And I've had to duck visits from that crazed half-pint from the Leprechaun movies. He's been bugging me to come up with Friday the 13th/St. Paddy's Day crossover soundtrack, but I'm just not feeling it. Plus, everytime I've ever met with him he's started gnawing on my ankle. Crap, I think I hear him scratching outside. I'll leave you with a quick list of some of the things that I've been musing about while I've been away. You may just hear more about them in the future:

-Ah, beer. The great equalizer. Kid Rock's "Beer Bailout" of a Michigan-based brewing company just seems appropriate in these tough times.

-I've been a bit sad/mad/annoyed that No Doubt didn't consult me when setting the ticket prices for their latest tour. I just don't have a spare kidney to sell to see these kids...

-Is iTunes' digital watermarking as frightening to everyone else? It just seems a bit too Big Brother-esque to me.

-Am I wrong to have fully enjoyed the Watchmen movie? Critics say I'm a fool, but I overrule that verdict!

-Who's stoked that Michael Cera finally signed on for the Arrested Development movie? It just wouldn't be a Bluth family reunion without him!

-Coraline may have been the most visually stunning movie I've seen in ages, and fun to boot.

-The ABC TV network is staffed by a bunch of poopyheads! Strong language to be sure, but really - cancelling Pushing Daisies and Eli Stone without (possibly EVER) airing the final episodes, and then the final blow of ending (my new fave) Life On Mars?! I say again - POOPYHEADS!

And oh, there's more up in this noggin of mine - now, to just have the time to write it all down... Quiet, it's that creepy shamrock shaker again! I'll be back soon...