Juano's Back - And Zombie Free For The Last 7 Days

I know, I know - no posts for a while. I got called away once again to thin the zombie hordes - this time in a small village in Africa where there was no internet access. Well, unless you count M'Tabe's Java Hut - but they only have one computer and the owner has a fetish for cannibal pygmy porn. You don't even want to know what the screen saver is.

It was a weird outbreak - zombie hippopotamus... hippopotami... hippopotamoose(?)! Ah, hippopotamuses (Thank you dictionary.com). M'Tabe actually got off of PersianPygmy.com long enough to track me down and send me an e-mail for my help. Lord knows I can't turn down anyone being overrun by the undead...whatever form they may take.

It was a long and messy battle, but I'm home now. So many things to catch up on, kids. And to answer Juanofan187's question, no, Michael Jackson is NOT part of the undead horde - but that was a very legitimate concern.

I try to keep a watchful eye on all the dead (and undead) celebs so you don't have to, keeping all your towns brain-biter free. I've missed you guys...

Top Horror Comics

This one doen't need much of an intro, so let's just jump right in...

1. Flinch (DC/Vertigo) – One of the best horror anthology series I have ever read. It only lasted sixteen issues, but it became a classic in my mind. Unfortunately, FINDING this one is the problem – there were no trade paperbacks published, as far as I can tell…
2. Walking Dead (Image) – Most of you know that I have a soft spot in my heart for a good zombie apocalypse story. And this one from Robert Kirkman hasn’t disappointed – except for, y’know, killing off a lot of characters we had grown to love.
3. Tales From The Crypt (EC Comics) – Possibly the most well recognized horror anthology series of all time. I strongly suggest checking out the beautifully reprinted hardbound volumes that have been put out in the last few years.
4. Werewolf By Night (Marvel) – Poor Jack Russell – born to a father who had the werewolf curse and a mother who was a powerful witch. Over the years, Jack learned to control the wolf, and teamed up with many heroes of the Marvel universe – including the first appearance of Moon Knight in issue #29.
5. Ghost Rider (Marvel) – Ah, Johhny Blaze - all he ever wanted was to keep his stepfather alive. So he bargained with Mephisto, his stepfather still died and now you could toast a marshmallow on the kid’s head. (MMMM, demonic marshmallows – sacrilicious!) The kid’s not a good haggler…
6. Swamp Thing (DC/Vertigo) – Don't judge by the movie - the comic was spinning horror yarns for years before the other jolly green giant made it to the screen. And in the second volume of Swamp Thing, we saw the seminal works of writer Alan Moore and artist Stephen Bissette on some of the creepiest tales you’ll ever read. Oh, and this book introduced this fine British fellow from our next entry…
7. Hellblazer (DC/Vertigo) – John Constantine is one of the best comic characters to ever grace a pulpy page – he’s the Johnny Rotten of the occult world. The book has been up and down, storywise, over the years (depending on the writer). But at its best, it was beyond brilliant. The Garth Ennis years were by far the best – I’d suggest the “Dangerous Habits” trade paperback for those of you looking for a starting point.
8. Hellboy/B.P.R.D. (Dark Horse) – The big red guy never had an ongoing series, but an heir to a throne in Hell with a soft spot for kitties can do what he likes. His buddies in the BPRD, Abe Sapien, Liz Sherman and Johann Krauss among others, eventually rated their own spin-off sans Hellboy.
9. House of Mystery (DC) – This one started out as a horror anthology. But with the advent of the “Comics Code Authority” in the mid-1950s, supernatural themes were banned topics for comics, so superheroes took the limelight for a while. Luckily, in ’68 EC Comics vet Joe Orlando took over editorial duties and was allowed to bring the book back to its roots.
10. Tomb of Dracula (Marvel) – This is another book that benefited from the Comics Code loosening its collective sphincter about the horror topic. Dracula served as supervillain to many Marvel heroes over the years, but this was his time to shine. Just not in direct daylight.
11. Terror, Inc. (Marvel) – The hitman with the heart of Gold – hope Gold wasn’t using it. You see, Terror looked like a zombie with catfish whiskers, and he could replace any missing “parts” with assorted limbs from his victims. But he never replaced the “I Love Ringo” tattoo – I won’t tell you where he kept that.
12. The Goon (Dark Horse) – A muscle-bound mob enforcer (who secretly runs the whole shebang) with a wide-eyed midget sidekick in a town overrun with zombie scum. And did I mention it’s a heap of silly fun? Eric Powell writes and provides art with his signature style.
13. 30 Days Of Night (IDW) – The movie was good, but a bit of a disappointment. You just can’t replicate Ben Templesmith’s artwork in the real world – the distortions, elongations and wonderfully jagged edges work especially well in the realm of vampires. And Steve Niles’ demented storytelling introduced us to the horribly cursed luck of Barrow, Alaska, and the smorgasbord it becomes…
14. Marvel Zombies (Marvel) – First appearing in issues of Ultimate Fantastic Four written by Mark Millar, we were introduced to a parallel Earth where all the Marvel heroes had been turned into zombies. Eventually, zombie maestro Robert Kirkman wrote the first two mini-series focusing on this dark (and oddly amusing) universe. Magneto saves people, Avengers eat people and people…should probably just run.
15. Zombie Tales (Boom! Studios) – A horror anthology with my favorite theme!
16. The Astounding Wolf-Man (Image) – Robert Kirkman does it again, this time turning a werewolf into a cursed superhero with a vampire mentor. Fantastic twists and turns make this a new book worth keeping an eye on, 'cause our heroes luck isn't getting any better.
17. Perhapanauts (Dark Horse then Image) – What would happen if you put Bigfoot and a chupacabra through an Evolvo-Ray? Big would get genius-level smart, and Choopie would get…let’s just say he can talk. Put them together with a psychic, a cute-as-a-button ghost and a brooding character in sunglasses with an oh-so-secret past and you have the team lineup for the Perhapanauts. They save the world from inter-dimensional interlopers – and try to keep Choopie out of trouble.
18. Proof (Image) – So, Bigfoot leads this team too. But in this reality, he’s named Proof (John Prufrock). He works for a clandestine organization called The Lodge, who seek out Cryptid activity worldwide. They provide sanctuary to most of the creatures, keeping them safe from ignorant humans – and often, keeping people from getting eaten.
19. Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse (IDW) – (Not to be confused with Garth Ennis’ Wormwood on Avatar Press) Ben Templesmith’s Wormwood is a cadaver with a sense of style. But the style depends on the cadaver he’s possessing at the time. You see, he’s a kind of worm that can possess the deceased, residing in their brainpan – and sometimes peeking out through the eye socket. What a cute little bugger. He’s got the crotchety charm of John Constantine and the disgusting look of that brain slug from Star Trak II.
20. Doomed (IDW) – Another great horror anthology, presented in old school black-and-white magazine format – complete with non-glossy, pulp pages. And the painted covers were a beautiful addition.
21. Hack/Slash (Devil’s Due Publishing) – So, you like your horror stories with a little bit of cheesecake shake – who doesn’t? Cassie Hack is a tough little goth cutie who hunts down the things of your nightmares while striking seductive poses. Sounds silly doesn’t it? But the book is loads of fun, and the monster action is nonstop.
22. Zombies: Feast (IDW) – This is the first mini-series of IDW’s Zombies franchise. What if the zombie outbreak happened while you were transporting a busload of prisoners? Would you trust them to help you, or would you leave them to rot? You might get more answers than you were looking for in this tale…
23. The Living Corpse (Zenescope Entertainment) – A very cartoonish looking book, but incredibly fun. The corpse is our hero, and we follow his adventures as he guards our world from all sorts of undead evil, only pausing occasionally to nosh on some brains. But I’m sure they’re evil brains…
24. The Demon (DC) – Always a popular villain in the DCU, Jack Kirby created this bastard of rhyme. Bound to the human Jason Blood, the demon Etrigan was originally summoned by Merlin to defend Camelot. He eventually warranted his own series, which ended with a fantastic run by Garth Ennis and John McCrea. Some people couldn’t get past the rhyming dialogue – but I’d pretty much read a rewrite of the phone book if it was done by Ennis, so I’m biased. And let’s not forget that Ennis and McCrea created the loveable/despicable character of Tommy Monaghan in these pages, the title character from the hysterical Hitman series.

25. Cal McDonald minis (Dark Horse/IDW) –Cal McDonald is Steve Niles’ American equivalent of John Constantine. Bad suits, equally bad luck, tousled hair and a scent that reeks of day-old vomit - just what you want in an antihero! The character started as a series of shorts from Dark Horse, moved to the big league world of pulp novels, then back to comics with Criminal Macabre: A Cal McDonald Mystery, and has kept his feet rooted in the comics world since. His assorted mini-series eventually pulled up stakes and moved to IDW publishing in recent years.

That's all she wrote for now. Next up: The Halloween soundtrack!

Humans vs. Zombies: Protecting Our Future?

FINALLY, someone’s prepping our nation’s youth for the inevitable zombie invasion! You laugh, but it’s coming! And college campuses across the U.S. are in agreement, obviously - Humans vs. Zombies, a live-action role playing game has become a huge hit. What is it, you ask? Essentially, it’s just a big game of “Tag” played with Nerf guns. But this one is for the future of the human race.

It’s pretty basic, really. You start with a pool of players, and one person is picked to be the Original Zombie. Every person he tags from then on becomes a zombie, and the infection spreads. Zombies wear headbands to differentiate themselves, and they can be “stunned” for 15 minutes if they are shot with a Nerf Gun or…hit with a sock. Okay, I may need to lodge a formal complaint with the HVZ community about how seriously they’re taking a possible Zompocalypse if they think a sock is going to help…

To win the game: Either the zombie team wins by turning all the humans, or the humans win by waiting out the zombies (they can “starve” if they don’t feed every 48 hours). All in all, it sounds like a lot of fun – too bad you can’t play it at work. Oh wait, most of the office folks have already been turned? That explains a lot…

For a better overview, go to the Humans vs. Zombies web site, and for a local look at things check out the UMass HVZ site.

Top 10 Zombie Comedies

So, you like your disembowelings with a side of slapstick (whether intentional or not)? This is the list for you...

1. Shaun of the Dead – It’s rare to find a movie that could just as easily be a classic comedy as it might qualify as a horror flick. But Simon Pegg’s UK import does just that. It has some of the funniest onscreen moments in years (the bit when they’re trying to kill the zombies with old LPs was brilliant), and yet they don’t spare the blood and gore when it’s necessary. By far the best of this sub-genre.
2. Return of the Living Dead – Classic one-liners like “Your brain smells so rich and spicy!” and “Send more paramedics!” make this graveyard bash a classic.
3. Evil Dead 2 – Horror purists will deny this as a true zombie movie. “They’re technically people possessed by Candarian demons”, they’ll exclaim from their mother’s basement. But when your girlfriend’s head gets chopped off and she still comes back to visit – demonic possession or not, I’d call that a zombie. And the fact that Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi took their cues from old Three Stooges bits makes this a comic masterpiece as well.
4. Fido – Ah, the story of a boy and his zombie. If a zombie outbreak happened in Pleasantville (or during a rerun of Lassie), this might be what it would look like. ‘50s family values, soda shoppes and disemboweling – a romp the whole family can enjoy!
5. Grindhouse: Planet Terror – Robert Rodriguez’s half of this double-bill of horror kitsch has just the right mix of dripping goo and over-the-top action. And Rose McGowen with a machine gun leg. I kid you not.
6. Idle Hands – Yes, the overall plot centers around a demonically possessed hand. But when the two sidekicks (including the comedic talents of Seth Green) return as zombies, I’d say that qualifies it. Add in the fact that it’s hilarious and features a young Jessica Alba and it just had to make the list.
7. Dead Alive – Those of you who think they know all there is to know about Peter Jackson might want to check this early effort from the Hobbit-meister. Infectious rat monkeys. Killing zombies with a lawnmower. Horribly cheesy effects. You’ll either pretend you never saw it or gain a different level of respect for the man.
8. ZA: Zombies Anonymous – “What do we want? Brains! When do we want them? Now!” In this version of the zombie mythos, they’re just trying to rise above their undead status and just fit in. Now if it wasn’t for that pesky craving for human flesh…
9. Zombie Strippers – The two-word title may very well be enough reason to check this out. Add in two icons from both ends of the B movie spectrum, Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, and you may NEED to see this one. Unless you don’t like naked ladies and good old-fashioned gore all in one package. But you’re reading a list of Zombie Comedies, so we’ll assume you’re onboard.
10. The Mad – MMMM…Truck stop zombies. Now with 75% more Billy Zane!

Honorable Mention: Weekend At Bernie's 2 - That's right Bernie was a zombie in this one. The scary part is that it's not a joke...

So what did I forget? That's what the comments are for, kids. And my list-mania will continue - next up: Horror Comic Favorites.

Monster Mailbag

We’ve been getting an amazing amount of e-mails during Horror Month, so I feel inclined to share. I don’t think some of the writers even have fingers to type with, so that makes it even more surprising. Ah well, let’s dive in, shall we…

I was taking a nice leisurely rampage downtown when I saw some guy reading Juano’s Addiction on his laptop right before I crushed him. In your “Top 10 (Worst) Vacation Spots” bit, you mentioned how Godzooky was missing and made a JOKE about it. Harsh, man! I told you that in confidence – not cool! Plus, it turns out he was just out taunting Mothra with a giant sweater and lost track of the time – boys will be boys… Godzilla Jones, Monster Isle
Sorry about that buddy – sometimes I’m a little too quick with the punch line. How about I set you up with the 50 Foot Woman to make up for it? She was Lonely In Lilliput a while back, and she’s looking for love…

My witch doctor tells me that all the human flesh I’ve been eating is bad for my complexion, and I’m beginning to think he’s right – pieces are starting to fall off in clumps now. I’d love to go vegan, but brains “smell so rich and spicy” (ha-ha – god I love that flick!). Any Ideas how to curb my Zombiverous ways? Famished In Philly
It turns out that the Food Network has beaten you to the punch on this one – they just unveiled their “Undead Lite” series of foodstuffs last week. There’s Tofhuman (the soy flesh substitute), Borscht “Brain” Stew and Eviscerated Enchiladas, just to start. 9 out of 10 undead Americans say they can’t taste the difference, and I know your meaty neighbors will appreciate the change!

My cat will sit and stare at the gurgling toilet for hours – I think this is how Satan communicates with him, and why he bites me on the ass when I have to pee at 2 a.m. Should I have an exorcism? Fill the bowl with holy water? Flummoxed By Felines
No, cats are just evil on their own. The only reason witches still use them as familiars is that they’re too scared to say they’d like a puppy instead. But if your toilet is gurgling for hours, you may want to get that fixed…

You may remember me from my Saturday Night Live days – I’m Goat Boy. After I got kicked off that show, I went on a bit of a bender. I found myself down in Tijuana, drunk most of the time. I blacked out one night and woke up next to Suzy - who turns out to be a Chupacabra! Now she’s pregnant, and she says she wants to keep it and have me raise the little mutant with her. Yeah, that’d work out well – her Mom eats my Mom while Junior chews through his playpen. What the hell do I do now? Choopy Daddy, Mexico
Goat sucker must’ve sounded like a good description at the time, huh? Right, first off you need to know that pregnant Choopies have the worst raging hormones of any species – so stay out of biting range. From there you’ve got to realize that their species is surprisingly religious, so she’s HAVING the baby, like it or not. Just try to make friends with the local butcher and get your girl the blood she needs. After the kid’s born, you may feel more fatherly – unless he tries to eat you. But that’s anyone’s guess, really.

Yeah, hi, long-time reader, first-time writer. Anyway, I just got a promotion – but my buddy Moloch down at the Lava Pits Bar says that it was actually a DE-motion. I started out in Hell’s seventh circle and now I’m in the eighth – can you settle the bet for us? He’s going to set me up with this hot little succubus he knows if I win. Bob L. Zebub, Hoboken
Looks like you can pucker up, lover-beast! You should remind your friend that in Hell it’s all about DOWNWARD mobility. The numbers get higher, the pit gets lower, and your hooves get more cloven. Maybe you should buy Moloch some Dante so he can brush up…

That’s all we have time for this time, kids - but keep those letters coming…