Juano’s Addiction Breaks The Silence To Talk About DRAG ME TO HELL…

…and how you should NOT go to see it. I’m seriously hoping that the karmic retribution department has tacked on an extra two hours to the end of my life to make up for the time I lost watching it.

Can it really be that bad, you ask? Okay, it may not be THAT bad, but it sure wasn’t good. So why did I even go to see it? Well, once upon a time, before Sam Raimi started wrecking the Spider-Man franchise, he worked on a much more legendary trilogy. True horror fans can quote the Evil Dead flicks verbatim, and Three Stooges fans could equally marvel at the slapstick adventures of Bruce Campbell and company - a wonderfully odd mixture with a delicate balance. Buckets of fake blood, rubber masks, possessed deer heads…ahh, the memories! So, when Drag Me To Hell was touted as “Sam Raimi’s return to horror”, my curiosity was piqued.

In retrospect, seeing the PG-13 rating, I should have fled the theatre. Or I could have just gone to see Star Trek again. But I stuck with my original plan, much to my dismay. Let’s jump right into the problems with this steamer, shall we?

Casting

A huge problem right out of the gate was casting Justin Long (Mac of “Mac and PC” fame) in the straight man role, when he has clearly proven his comedic timing in the past (see Dodgeball or Accepted for proof). Instead, he plays the straight-laced boyfriend to Christine Brown (played by the lovely, if somewhat stiff, Alison Lohman), the girl getting dragged to Hell. I’d hate to have to condemn Justin Long to eternal damnation, but it would’ve been a much better ride getting there. But I do have to say, if you should ever need a crazed old gypsy lady (the shamed Mrs. Ganush) to utter a curse (and possibly try to gum you to death with her dentures out), Lorna Raver is the way to go. The biggest casting mistake, though – no Bruce Campbell. Supposedly, the man with the chin was busy with his TV show (Burn Notice), but damn if he couldn’t have saved this stinker.
Maybe.

Plenty of viscous fluids, but where’s the blood?

We know Raimi likes to use a lot of gooey and messy fluids by the barrel – but for a horror movie, there was a distinct lack of dismemberment, disemboweling and good old-fashioned beheadings (What’s that? Yeah, I already told them it was PG-13. I still expect more chopping, dangit!). Instead, we got Mrs. Ganush’s “productive cough”, the aforementioned denture-free sliming as Christine was nearly gummed alive and the deceased Ganush’s fluid vomit (Was it embalming fluid? Lemonade? Corn liquor? Those crazy Gypsy morticians!). When we DID get to see blood, it came out of Christine’s nose. Granted, it was a humorously twisted spray hose of a nosebleed, but still…

Too many trips to the Evil Dead trick bag

Yes Mr. Raimi, you know that horror fans love our Evil Dead II references – but from you, we were hoping for something new. Instead, we got some carbon copy gags:

1. The laughing, animated objects at the séance – yeah, we remember the scene where they were trying to drive Ash crazy.
2. The Candarian Demons from Evil Dead were silly enough, but the possessed manservant in this film doing a jig while he’s floating… Yikes.
3. The possessed talking goat was the next logical procession of the Candarian mounted deer head, I guess…
4. As a ghoulish Mrs. Ganush tries to kill Christine again, the anvil-on-the-head gag not only ripped off Raimi’s earlier work (this scene could easily have been swapped for the eyeball-in-the-mouth gag from E.D. II), but also stole one of Wile E. Coyote’s trademark moves. Now, if she could’ve just said something like “Someone’s in my fruit cellaaaar!”, the circle would be complete.
5. The Ash-like behavior of Christine at the end, when she switches modes from frightened to pissed-off, is actually fairly humorous. Awww, they even gave her a catch phrase: “I’m gonna get me some!”. (I guess she gets points for looking much better in a wet t-shirt than Bruce Campbell, though…)
6. Ash’s car. Okay, this was actually a pretty funny nod – Mrs. Ganush drives a yellow ’73 Oldsmobile.
7. Numerous references to a "cabin in the woods" left us hoping the film would eventually find its way to Ash's hideaway. Not so much, though...

As a whole, the movie acted like it was taking itself seriously as a horror movie. The problem was, the sight gags became that much more outrageous as a result. The balance that I referred to with the Evil Dead flicks was tipped, and it just became a farce. If you’re going to see this movie, try to get a little drunk first. Then go home and watch Evil Dead II. If Sammy wanted to revisit the franchise, he should’ve created a worthy sibling to its Candarian brethren. Instead, we got the result of a failed inbreeding experiment…

Top 10 Zombie Comedies

So, you like your disembowelings with a side of slapstick (whether intentional or not)? This is the list for you...

1. Shaun of the Dead – It’s rare to find a movie that could just as easily be a classic comedy as it might qualify as a horror flick. But Simon Pegg’s UK import does just that. It has some of the funniest onscreen moments in years (the bit when they’re trying to kill the zombies with old LPs was brilliant), and yet they don’t spare the blood and gore when it’s necessary. By far the best of this sub-genre.
2. Return of the Living Dead – Classic one-liners like “Your brain smells so rich and spicy!” and “Send more paramedics!” make this graveyard bash a classic.
3. Evil Dead 2 – Horror purists will deny this as a true zombie movie. “They’re technically people possessed by Candarian demons”, they’ll exclaim from their mother’s basement. But when your girlfriend’s head gets chopped off and she still comes back to visit – demonic possession or not, I’d call that a zombie. And the fact that Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi took their cues from old Three Stooges bits makes this a comic masterpiece as well.
4. Fido – Ah, the story of a boy and his zombie. If a zombie outbreak happened in Pleasantville (or during a rerun of Lassie), this might be what it would look like. ‘50s family values, soda shoppes and disemboweling – a romp the whole family can enjoy!
5. Grindhouse: Planet Terror – Robert Rodriguez’s half of this double-bill of horror kitsch has just the right mix of dripping goo and over-the-top action. And Rose McGowen with a machine gun leg. I kid you not.
6. Idle Hands – Yes, the overall plot centers around a demonically possessed hand. But when the two sidekicks (including the comedic talents of Seth Green) return as zombies, I’d say that qualifies it. Add in the fact that it’s hilarious and features a young Jessica Alba and it just had to make the list.
7. Dead Alive – Those of you who think they know all there is to know about Peter Jackson might want to check this early effort from the Hobbit-meister. Infectious rat monkeys. Killing zombies with a lawnmower. Horribly cheesy effects. You’ll either pretend you never saw it or gain a different level of respect for the man.
8. ZA: Zombies Anonymous – “What do we want? Brains! When do we want them? Now!” In this version of the zombie mythos, they’re just trying to rise above their undead status and just fit in. Now if it wasn’t for that pesky craving for human flesh…
9. Zombie Strippers – The two-word title may very well be enough reason to check this out. Add in two icons from both ends of the B movie spectrum, Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, and you may NEED to see this one. Unless you don’t like naked ladies and good old-fashioned gore all in one package. But you’re reading a list of Zombie Comedies, so we’ll assume you’re onboard.
10. The Mad – MMMM…Truck stop zombies. Now with 75% more Billy Zane!

Honorable Mention: Weekend At Bernie's 2 - That's right Bernie was a zombie in this one. The scary part is that it's not a joke...

So what did I forget? That's what the comments are for, kids. And my list-mania will continue - next up: Horror Comic Favorites.

More Horror Icon Fun by Dave Perillo

This week's entry needs little introduction: the legendary chin-man, Bruce Campbell, portrayed in his most memorable role as Ash from the Evil Dead franchise.

Mr. Perillo has quite a grasp of who we want to see in cartoonized form, hmmm? To view the rest of his work, check out his blog, Montygog's Art-O-Rama.