Today Only: Metal Memorabilia Auction

This is a first on Juano’s Addiction, so bear with us while we work out the kinks. We’ve got a lot of great items on the auction block today, though, and the money’s going to a great cause: The Hair Plug Society For Balding Rockers. Because seriously, not everyone can rock a shiny dome like Rob Halford.

Let’s jump right in here – we have some guests in house to introduce their items, so let’s get to it.

Juano’s Addiction: To start, let’s say hello to Vince Neil of Motley Crue. What do you have in your bag of goodies for us, Vince?
Vince Neil: Don’t call me Vince.
JA: Ummm..okay. What should I call you then? Is Mr. Neil okay?
VN: No. Today I’ll answer to “Grand Poobah”.
JA: Like on The Flintstones – that’s pretty funny! I thought you were serious for a minute…
VN: I’m DEADLY serious you twerp – it’s my title in the UNIVERSE, not from some stupid cartoon!! Whatever, let’s get to the selling!
JA: Fine, fine. What’ve you got for us?
VN: We’re selling our umlauts.
JA: Excuse me?
VN: You know, those stupid little dots we put over the “O” and the “U” in our name. We don’t wanna use ‘em any more. Mick said they make us look a little to faggy and European.
JA: You can’t sell umlauts.
VN: Bullshit. I mean, some new band could use them on their name. Like, if some kids wanted to call themselves “Deathcock”, they could totally stick them over the “A” and the “O” or something. It would rock.
JA: But, stay with me here, couldn’t they just use the umlauts on their own.
VN: Yeah, but these would be Motley Crue umlauts.
JA: Therefore proven NOT to be “European and”... that other derogatory term you used?
VN: Exactly!
JA: I feel like I’m having the “But ours go to 11” conversation. How about you throw in some spandex or something?
VN: How's this? It’s the first mascara I ever used for a gig.
JA: Now we’re talking. Start the bidding, kids…

Juano’s Addiction: Next up is something from Axl Rose of Guns’N’Roses fame. What do you have for us, Mr. Rose? Or do you prefer some other title like Vince did?
Axl Rose: Axl is fine. Or Puffy Bunny Pants, whichever you prefer.
JA: Okaaay. What have you got for us? It looks like…are those prescription bottles?
AR: Yeah, yeah. These are all the meds the docs say I should take to keep me on track. But I stopped taking them years ago, and none the worse for wear right? Wow, your head looks like a giant cheeseburger. It’s a good thing I decided to be a vegetarian this morning. Viva la Buckethead!
JA: Riiiiight, so you know we can’t legally sell these drugs on the internet, right?
AR: Oh, that’s okay Mayor McCheese! There’s no pills in them. But I’ve autographed them all with my paw print, and I’ve marked them with my scent.
JA: Okay, I’m scared to ask…
AR: I put them in the front of my spandex shorts when I go on stage.
JA: Way more info than I needed – but oddly, I’m sure that someone will bid on them.
AR: Burger Man, can I cornrow your hair? You’d look totally cool!
JA: Sorry, I’ve got to keep this auction rolling. But I’m betting Vince would love it.
AR: Nice. Is he the one who looks like a human llama?
JA: I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes…

Juano’s Addiction: This is the final guest that we have time for, and it’s a huge honor. For those of you who know me, you’re aware that this man plays bass for the band who headlined the first concert I ever attended: KISS. Yes, it’s none other than the God of Thunder, the Demon King, the man who was outed as Chaim Witz by none other than Lois Griffin on Family Guy: Gene Simmons!
Gene Simmons: Quite the introduction. But then I AM quite remarkable aren’t I?
JA: Damn straight. What do you have for us?
GS: My first codpiece from the early days. It was horribly uncomfortable, and a little ridiculous – it looked like two beach balls shoved into a trash bag and covered in tin foil.
JA: Ha! Yeah, that must’ve looked pretty unrealistic.
GS: I know – my manhood is at least twice that size, so I figured, why try to hide it?
JA: Right…you scare me a bit.
GS: As it should be. Do you mind if I throw up a couple more items?
JA: Not at all – the more money we can raise for this fantastic cause, the less balding mullets we have to endure.
GS: Great. So I’ve got some color-by-number paintings Petey Criss used to do while we were on tour, a lock of Paul Stanley’s chest hair, and a Chia Pet that Ace grew in his very own back window. Plus, I could probably part with some KISS lunchboxes, KISS throw rugs, anatomically correct KISS blow-up dolls and some lovely KISS thongs for the ladies – these would all be in lots of 100, but I’d only need a twenty percent cut on that.
JA: Ummm…you know ALL the money is going to charity, right?
GS: I better get a little cash. Do you know how pissed Paul’s going to be when he wakes up with a big bald spot on his chest?
JA: Well, if you take Axl along with you, I bet he could cornrow that right back onto him before he misses it.
GS: You think?
JA: I can almost guarantee it.

That’s all we’ve got time for now, kids. Don’t be April Fools, get your bids in now!

Top 10 Reasons The Mullet Comb-Over Rocked In 2008 – The Metal Albums

Remember the eighties? No, not the folks down at the retirement home, the NINETEEN-80’s. What’s that? Too much blow? Only vague memories of Deloreans, Rubik’s Cubes and hair sprayed up about three feet high? That’s fine – most people have repressed that decade equally well. But one thing that was huge was Heavy Metal (pronounced meht-Al, and accompanied by Devil Horns – which really just looks like Spider-Man’s hand when he’s shooting a web, but upright. For emphasis, bang your head a bit. Yup, you’ve got it.)

And did you know that, at one point, there was a version of the mullet that was not ironic – it’s true, I swear. That’s just how you grew it, and dammit if I didn’t rock that ‘do. And I used to take my mullet out to visit his friends at these meht-AL shows (are you rocking the Devil Horns? I knew it!) all over the great state of Massachusetts. I saw hair bands from across the U.S., and some imports from other lands. Men Criscoed themselves into the tightest denim, and they helped their fair ladies into their Spandex with a shoehorn/crowbar combination. And then we banged our heads in a unison that hasn’t been seen since.

Until now.

Yes, in my search for the best albums of 2008, I stumbled upon an alarming number of new releases from the old hair squad. I mean, I knew about the overhyped ones: Metallica, “Guns’n’Roses” and AC/DC (Mini-reviews, in order: Solid disc, Really, we waited 10 years for this and Holy crap, their songs STILL all sound the same). But the fact that there were enough other CDs out there to populate a Top 10 List – Oh yeah, that’s the stuff!

Devil Horns Held High – The Metal Discs of 2008

1. Judas Priest – Nostradamus – For their 16th studio release, Priest (now with most of the original lineup intact) decided to do their first concept album based on the 16th century prophet. And what good timing - this was the year Nostradamus predicted that a black man would take office and a man with corn rows would get us all a Dr. Pepper. Crazy!
2. Tesla – Forever More – Okay, most people know these guys for their cover of “Signs” ("long-haired freaky people need not apply”), but they were a solid band for the time. This is the band’s 7th studio disc, and the 1st with new guitarist Dave Rude.
3. Motley Crue – Saints of Los Angeles – Yes, the original lineup is together – whoopee! But maybe the record company should have considered the fact that John Corabi (who took over vocals for Vince Neil) wasn’t such a bad fit, and at least the music sounded fresh. The lead single from this disc sounded like they had just thrown “Girls, Girls, Girls” and “Dr. Feelgood” in the blender to recycle. Plus, with Neil’s Twinkie intake on the rise, how long will it be before they have to cart him onstage with a forklift?
4. Dokken – Lightning Strikes Again – With only Don Dokken (vocals) and Mick Brown (drums) left, it’s only “Dead man walkin’/Rock group Dokken” (thank you David Spade!) by name. George Lynch (guitarist) was always the big attraction here – and he will be missed…
5. Alice Cooper – Along Came A Spider – The man who taught me that having a crush on a corpse was just fine, back for his 25th studio effort. He “leaked” the plotline to this concept album on his nationally syndicated radio show (“Nights With Alice Cooper”) – it’s the story of a serial killer named Spider who takes a trophy leg from each victim to complete the eight needed to construct his own arachnid. But he falls for victim number 8, and there’s the rub. Guest spots from Slash on guitar and Ozzy on… harmonica (?!) don’t hurt…
6. White Lion – Return Of The Pride – Back in the day, I remember seeing these guys and thinking, “Man if Mike Tramp (lead singer) can’t sing after running from one side of the stage to the other ‘cause he’s out of breath he should either stand still or hit the treadmill”. Really, the only attraction was guitarist Vito Bratta. On this new disc, it’s pretty much the Mike Tramp show – him and a bunch of no-name talent – so guess how much we want to hear this one…
7. Whitesnake – Good To Be Bad – This disc is similar to number 6 – only lead singer David Coverdale remains. No Tawny Kitaen humping the hood of a car, no Vivian Campbell (Dio, Def Leppard) on guitar and no Rudy Sarzo (Ozzy, Quiet Riot) on bass. So, why should we care? Well, the disc is getting decent reviews and some of the best chart positioning they’ve seen since the ‘80s. Huh – I guess I can give devil horns on ONE hand, but the headbanging lays in wait for a decent listen…
8. Def Leppard – Songs From The Sparkle Lounge – You just can’t keep this band down. Even when Rick Allen (drums) lost his arm to an accident on New Year’s Eve in 1984, he came back with a retro-fitted drum kit. When Steve Clark (guitar) died from an overdose in 1991, the boys grieved but continued with the addition of Vivian Campbell (yes, the one from #7). This 10th studio effort carries on their legacy.
9. Sammy Hagar – Cosmic Universal Fashion – Sammy’s pulling out the guest stars on this one – “Loud” features Billy Duffy (Cult), Michael Anthony (Van Halen) and Matt Sorum (Guns’n’Roses, Velvet Revolver) and “Switch On The Light” showcases the man with the beard supreme, the legendary guitar stylings of Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top. Oh, and did I mention the cover of The Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right To Party”? A weird choice, but I guess it’s been a staple of his live set for a while…
10. Extreme – Saudades de Rock – What a perfect album title to round out the list – the Portuguese roughly translates to “Nostalgic Yearning For Rock”. I seem to remember a VH1 show where they attempted to reunite these guys for a show, and the main attractions (singer Gary Cherone and guitarist Nuno Bettencort) couldn’t both be convinced. “More Than Words” was the song that made them superstars, but the band grew so sick of that song (which most felt was a poor representation of their signature sound) that it drew a wedge between them. They must have overcome the lingering issues, because this disc features both disgruntled parties and only one subsitution (a new drummer). Unfortunately, not much publicity for their first new disc in 13 years – but the reviews are positive so far…

Ten metal discs – who knew? Are you pumped?! Did you dig out your old fingerless gloves and get a craving for cheap booze in a paper bag? Just remember to be honest with yourself about how you really look before squeezing into the old Spandex, though. See you soon – and Happy New Year!