Friday, April 17, 2009

Daddy, What's a CD?

“Sit down kids, and let me tell you a story. See, there used to be a time when you couldn’t just plug your brainstem into the download port and automatically absorb the music you wanted to hear. We had to go to the local record store and sift through bins of vinyl, racks of cassettes and shelves of CDs to find what we wanted. And sometimes *gasp*… the album we wanted wasn’t in stock.”

“But…I…where was the instant gratification?”

“I know it’s hard to believe – but we actually liked it. A few of us LOVED it. You could go in and look for a Misfits album and discover ten different bands that you NEEDED to hear. And the fanzines and posters and snotty record store workers… I miss being called a poser for picking up the newest Green Day disc. Those record store music nazis gave the verbal equivalent of a swift kick to the nuts – but you came out stronger for it!”

“Daddy, are you on the crackpipe? That sounds like the opposite of fun!”

“Oh kids, you just don’t get it. You’ve missed so much…”

Like human interaction…stacks of used/bargain discs that led to unabashed impulse buying…oversized cardboard cutouts of your favorite rock stars…walls of tie-dyed band shirts from yesteryear…provocative album art that gave you your first near-sex experience. Ah, those were the days. Wait a second, those things still exist!! The flesh-and-blood music scene isn’t as dead as the iGeneration would like you to believe.

Join us in celebrating the indie record store this Saturday (April 18th) – it’s the second annual Record Store Day! What does that mean? Well, this is a way to link up with your fellow music aficionados and spread the word to your friends – but on a nationwide kind of scale. Drag your lazy buddy off the couch, preach the word to your coworkers and tell your family…well, tell them you met a nice girl and you want them to meet her at the record shop. Don’t worry, once they get there, they’ll find all sorts of goodies - like in-store performances by all sorts of exciting bands, and RSD exclusive releases, ranging from limited edition discs/vinyl to t-shirts to “split singles” – vinyl singles with one band on the “A” side and another on the flipside.

More specifics, you say? Fine, here you go:

- Jack White (of White Stripes/Raconteurs fame) is using RSD to unveil his new group, The Dead Weather – they’ve got a two-track exclusive.

- Flight of the Conchords fans will be excited to hear about a 7-inch featuring a couple of unreleased tracks from their HBO show.

- A Tom Waits concert single, "Live from the Glitter and Doom Tour."

- Some of those split singles I talked about earlier? How about Elvis Costello/Jenny Lewis? Or Black Keys/Flaming Lips. Sonic Youth actually has two separate team-ups – one with Beck, the other with Jay Reatard.

So, if you love music (you know you do!), check in with your local record shop. Support the scene and score some cool stuff! If you want a list of participating stores, check here. I know for sure that Turn It Up! (Northampton, MA) is definitely onboard - they're starting the celebration tonight, with local faves The Maggies making a stop before their big show down the road at The Iron Horse later in the evening. WRSI (speaking of local music heroes) will also be on hand to help promote this wonderful event.

Not sure if your fave store is in on the fun? Give them a call! And again, check RecordStoreDay.com for more complete info. Buy it up, people!

(On a sad side note - R.I.P. About Music, Greenfield, MA. You were a wonderful little shop, and provided us with great music for many years. But look for their future web adventures at the relaunch of the About Music web site on May 1st.)

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Today Only: Metal Memorabilia Auction

This is a first on Juano’s Addiction, so bear with us while we work out the kinks. We’ve got a lot of great items on the auction block today, though, and the money’s going to a great cause: The Hair Plug Society For Balding Rockers. Because seriously, not everyone can rock a shiny dome like Rob Halford.

Let’s jump right in here – we have some guests in house to introduce their items, so let’s get to it.

Juano’s Addiction: To start, let’s say hello to Vince Neil of Motley Crue. What do you have in your bag of goodies for us, Vince?
Vince Neil: Don’t call me Vince.
JA: Ummm..okay. What should I call you then? Is Mr. Neil okay?
VN: No. Today I’ll answer to “Grand Poobah”.
JA: Like on The Flintstones – that’s pretty funny! I thought you were serious for a minute…
VN: I’m DEADLY serious you twerp – it’s my title in the UNIVERSE, not from some stupid cartoon!! Whatever, let’s get to the selling!
JA: Fine, fine. What’ve you got for us?
VN: We’re selling our umlauts.
JA: Excuse me?
VN: You know, those stupid little dots we put over the “O” and the “U” in our name. We don’t wanna use ‘em any more. Mick said they make us look a little to faggy and European.
JA: You can’t sell umlauts.
VN: Bullshit. I mean, some new band could use them on their name. Like, if some kids wanted to call themselves “Deathcock”, they could totally stick them over the “A” and the “O” or something. It would rock.
JA: But, stay with me here, couldn’t they just use the umlauts on their own.
VN: Yeah, but these would be Motley Crue umlauts.
JA: Therefore proven NOT to be “European and”... that other derogatory term you used?
VN: Exactly!
JA: I feel like I’m having the “But ours go to 11” conversation. How about you throw in some spandex or something?
VN: How's this? It’s the first mascara I ever used for a gig.
JA: Now we’re talking. Start the bidding, kids…

Juano’s Addiction: Next up is something from Axl Rose of Guns’N’Roses fame. What do you have for us, Mr. Rose? Or do you prefer some other title like Vince did?
Axl Rose: Axl is fine. Or Puffy Bunny Pants, whichever you prefer.
JA: Okaaay. What have you got for us? It looks like…are those prescription bottles?
AR: Yeah, yeah. These are all the meds the docs say I should take to keep me on track. But I stopped taking them years ago, and none the worse for wear right? Wow, your head looks like a giant cheeseburger. It’s a good thing I decided to be a vegetarian this morning. Viva la Buckethead!
JA: Riiiiight, so you know we can’t legally sell these drugs on the internet, right?
AR: Oh, that’s okay Mayor McCheese! There’s no pills in them. But I’ve autographed them all with my paw print, and I’ve marked them with my scent.
JA: Okay, I’m scared to ask…
AR: I put them in the front of my spandex shorts when I go on stage.
JA: Way more info than I needed – but oddly, I’m sure that someone will bid on them.
AR: Burger Man, can I cornrow your hair? You’d look totally cool!
JA: Sorry, I’ve got to keep this auction rolling. But I’m betting Vince would love it.
AR: Nice. Is he the one who looks like a human llama?
JA: I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes…

Juano’s Addiction: This is the final guest that we have time for, and it’s a huge honor. For those of you who know me, you’re aware that this man plays bass for the band who headlined the first concert I ever attended: KISS. Yes, it’s none other than the God of Thunder, the Demon King, the man who was outed as Chaim Witz by none other than Lois Griffin on Family Guy: Gene Simmons!
Gene Simmons: Quite the introduction. But then I AM quite remarkable aren’t I?
JA: Damn straight. What do you have for us?
GS: My first codpiece from the early days. It was horribly uncomfortable, and a little ridiculous – it looked like two beach balls shoved into a trash bag and covered in tin foil.
JA: Ha! Yeah, that must’ve looked pretty unrealistic.
GS: I know – my manhood is at least twice that size, so I figured, why try to hide it?
JA: Right…you scare me a bit.
GS: As it should be. Do you mind if I throw up a couple more items?
JA: Not at all – the more money we can raise for this fantastic cause, the less balding mullets we have to endure.
GS: Great. So I’ve got some color-by-number paintings Petey Criss used to do while we were on tour, a lock of Paul Stanley’s chest hair, and a Chia Pet that Ace grew in his very own back window. Plus, I could probably part with some KISS lunchboxes, KISS throw rugs, anatomically correct KISS blow-up dolls and some lovely KISS thongs for the ladies – these would all be in lots of 100, but I’d only need a twenty percent cut on that.
JA: Ummm…you know ALL the money is going to charity, right?
GS: I better get a little cash. Do you know how pissed Paul’s going to be when he wakes up with a big bald spot on his chest?
JA: Well, if you take Axl along with you, I bet he could cornrow that right back onto him before he misses it.
GS: You think?
JA: I can almost guarantee it.

That’s all we’ve got time for now, kids. Don’t be April Fools, get your bids in now!