Sex On The Brain - A VD Soundtrack

What’s that you say? You want another soundtrack for your VD to rival the ones from 2008 and 2009? Sounds good, but what’s the twist this year? A collection of ditties about pleasures of the flesh? Sounds good! Some of these are double entendre laden masterpieces, while others are…well, let’s just say that some are about as subtle as Van Halen’s For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge or Big Black’s bluntly titled magnum opus. But just because they beat you over the head with it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a listen. When the mood for some lovin’ hits, just press play…

1. “Let’s Get It On” – Marvin Gaye
2. “Bend Over, I’ll Drive” – The Cramps
3. “Big Ten-Inch Record” – Aerosmith
4. “Banana Pudding” – Southern Culture On The Skids
5. “Wild Thing” – Tone Loc
6. “Sex and Candy” – Marcy Playground
7. “Big Dumb Sex” – Soundgarden
8. “Hoochie Coochie Man” – Muddy Waters
9. “You’re So Damn Hot” – OK Go
10. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” – Def Leppard
11. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
12. “Hide The Salami” – Pajama Slave Dancers
13. “Bad Touch” – Bloodhound Gang
14. “Get It Up” – Mindless Self Indulgence

Any other songs from your saucy secret stashes that I didn’t think of? Post ‘em in the comments section, kids…

Goodbye Monsoon Summer Playlist

If you live in the Northeast like I do, you’re probably about as sick of this summer’s striking resemblance to monsoon season as I am. Meanwhile, the meteorologists are all giddy because they get to coin new terms like “gustnado” – small, concentrated tornados that quickly sweep down your street and drop trees on your house while you’re at Home Depot! Sound a little specific? Yeah, that might’ve actually happened to me. I think the meteorologists should just go back to tracking meteors like they did in the old days. I mean what happens when a meteor filled with radioactive alien goop suddenly drops in the ocean and creates a race of giant mutant seahorses while they're off tracking silly things like weather? Hmmm?

But I digress.

The point I had been trying to make: this summer’s weather has sucked. We’re all tired of waking up to gloomy gray skies and sideways rain. Well, I’ve got your solution right here. First, watch a peppy mindless beach movie. No, not Beach Blanket Bingo - I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho Beach Party. Second, I’ve whipped up a little soundtrack to remind us of brighter days. If played loud enough (around 11 on the volume dial should do), these songs may actually scare the clouds away. Just point those speakers right out the windows – the neighbors won’t mind the noise if this works. Let’s give it a shot, shall we…

1. “Rockaway Beach” – The Ramones
2. “Steal My Sunshine” – Len
3. “Ocean Size” – Jane’s Addiction
4. “Surfin’ Cow” – Dead Milkmen
5. “Summer Nights” - Less Than Jake (Yes, it’s a Grease cover)
6. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
7. “Island In The Sun” – Weezer
8. “Goin’ Crazy (From The Heat)” – David Lee Roth
9. “Sun King” – The Cult
10. “Badfish” - Sublime

Any other suggestions? You know where the comments section is, kids…

Your Turkey Day Soundtrack

Did any of your little ones find the legendary golden waddle that Tom Turkey sneaks into some lucky kid’s house every year? My favorite part of Thanksgiving morning was always biting the head off the chocolate turkey. Ah, good times… which, of course, are ruined when your family starts showing up. Auntie Madge will say the Turkey’s overdone, little cousin Jimmy will cover your table in mashed ‘taters the likes of which haven’t been seen since Close Encounters and Uncle Bob will have his hand down the front of his pants before the table’s cleared. That's just how it works – so start drinking early, throw on some music and get ready for a meltdown. Here are some songs to get you started…

1. “Alice’s Restaurant Masacree” – Arlo Guthrie
2. “You To Thank” – Ben Folds
3. “Jive Turkey” – Ohio Players
4. “Thank U” – Alanis Morissette
5. “Gotta Serve Somebody” – Bob Dylan
6. “Thanksgiving Song” – Adam Sandler
7. “Harvest” – Neil Young
8. “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)” – Sly & The Family Stone
9. “Gratitude” – Ani DiFranco
10. “Leftovers” – No Doubt

And around dessert time, you'll probably be ready for the bonus track:

11. "She's Gonna Break Soon" - Less Than Jake

Have fun, folks! But don't drink too much - you've gotta be up at three in the morning if you want to properly armor yourself for Black Friday. Remember that year when I got kicked in the crotch by a crazy grandmother trying to grab the last "Tickle Me Elmo"? I come prepared, now - steel cup and full riot gear. You hear that, grannie?! I'm on to you...

Your Halloween Soundtrack

What're all my little fiends up to on this frightful evening - dressing up like good little boys and ghouls? Drinking punch out of a steaming cauldron? Standing at the graveyard entrance with a shotgun, just in case? Whatever your answer, here's a bit of music to get you in the mood:

1. “Halloween Head” – Ryan Adams
2. “The Creeps” – Social Distortion
3. “I Love The Dead” – Alice Cooper
4. “Living Dead Girl” – Rob Zombie
5. “The Surfin’ Dead” – The Cramps
6. “Season of the Witch” – Donovan
7. “Now I’m Feeling Zombiefied” – Alien Sex Fiend
8. “God of Thunder” – KISS
9. “Vampira” – The Misfits
10. “Bloodsucker” – Southern Culture On The Skids

Anything else I should have on the list? You know where the comments section is.

I've had a blast with the Halloween hijinks this month. Thanks again to Virtual Stranger and Doctor Dan for helping out, and Dave Perillo for being kind enough to let me use his artwork. Now daddy needs a nap...

Your Labor Day Soundtrack

This is it, people - the last big hurrah of summer. The kids are dreading going back to school and whining, Grampa Joe won't put out that damn cigar and your drunk cousin Lenny just hit you in the back of the head with a water balloon filled with questionable liquid. Just remember this - if you're the one grilling the food, who's to say that the 30 second rule for a dropped burger can't hit the 2 minute marker. So what if there's an acorn in Aunt Margaret's chili dog? We've got a day off from work to CELEBRATE, dadgummit, so live it up!

You know what helps? Music. So here's some themed songs to get things rolling:

1. "Labor Day (It's A Holiday)" - The Black Eyed Peas
2. "At My Job" - Dead Kennedys
3. "What Do You Do For Money Honey" - AC/DC
4. "(I Don't Want To Work) Bang The Drum All Day" - Todd Rundgren
5. "Minimum Wage" - They Might Be Giants
6. "She Works Hard For The Money" - Donna Summer
7. "Take This Job And Shove It" - David Allan Coe (or the more upbeat cover by Dead Kennedys)
8. "Takin' Care Of Business" - Bachman Turner Overdrive
9. "Working For The Man" - The Vandals
10. "(Working On A) Chain Gang" - Sam Cooke

If you need more themed music, just break into anything from Workingman's Dead - that should cover it. So what else did I forget? Leave any suggestions in the coments, kids...

Your Independence Day Soundtrack

Here's some music to listen to while your grillmaster cooks up your hot dogs - songs about freedom and liberty and overpriced gas (okay, none on that last topic... yet)! So fire up the iPod/boombox/8-Track and try not to watch while your "special" cousin Timmy attempts to set off a bottle rocket while holding it with his butt cheeks. Enjoy!

1. "Independence Day" - Elliott Smith
2. "Firecracker" - Ryan Adams
3. "This Land Is Your Land" - Woody Guthrie (with an appropriately feisty live cover by Tom Morello, playing as The Nightwatchman)
4. "Fourth of July" - X
5. "Free" - The Soup Dragons
6. "U.S. Blues" - The Grateful Dead
7. "Star Spangled Banner" - Jimi Hendrix
8. "Freedom of Choice" - Devo
9. "American Girl" - Tom Petty
10. "Live Free" - Son Volt

So what did I forget? Post it in the comments, kids...

Your Friday The 13th Soundtrack

Hi all - here's some music to accompany this special day. There are songs about superstition and bad luck and homages to machete-wielding maniacs - something for everyone. Enjoy!

1. "Superstition" - Stevie Wonder (with an appropriately creepy cover by Megadeth)
2. "Paranoid" - Black Sabbath
3. "Psycho Therapy" - Ramones
4. "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)" - Alice Cooper
5. "Born Under A Bad Sign" - Albert King (covered by Cream)
6. "Just Got Wicked" - Cold
7. "Bad Luck" - Social Distortion
8. "Pass The Hatchet" - Southern Culture On The Skids
9. "Scream!" - The Misfits
10. "Bad Luck Blue Eyes Goodbye" - The Black Crowes
11. "Break My Body" - Pixies
12. "The Curse" - Devil Dolls
13. "Drain The Blood" - The Distillers

That's all for now - did I forget any songs? You know where the comments section is...