Sex On The Brain - A VD Soundtrack

What’s that you say? You want another soundtrack for your VD to rival the ones from 2008 and 2009? Sounds good, but what’s the twist this year? A collection of ditties about pleasures of the flesh? Sounds good! Some of these are double entendre laden masterpieces, while others are…well, let’s just say that some are about as subtle as Van Halen’s For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge or Big Black’s bluntly titled magnum opus. But just because they beat you over the head with it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a listen. When the mood for some lovin’ hits, just press play…

1. “Let’s Get It On” – Marvin Gaye
2. “Bend Over, I’ll Drive” – The Cramps
3. “Big Ten-Inch Record” – Aerosmith
4. “Banana Pudding” – Southern Culture On The Skids
5. “Wild Thing” – Tone Loc
6. “Sex and Candy” – Marcy Playground
7. “Big Dumb Sex” – Soundgarden
8. “Hoochie Coochie Man” – Muddy Waters
9. “You’re So Damn Hot” – OK Go
10. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” – Def Leppard
11. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
12. “Hide The Salami” – Pajama Slave Dancers
13. “Bad Touch” – Bloodhound Gang
14. “Get It Up” – Mindless Self Indulgence

Any other songs from your saucy secret stashes that I didn’t think of? Post ‘em in the comments section, kids…

Saturday the 14th - Your Bloody VD Soundtrack

Okay, you don’t often get this convergence of events – Friday the 13th followed by Valentine’s Day. This unique event deserves a special kind of soundtrack, and I’m giddy with excitement – Jason Voorhees, the masked master of mayhem, the man who’s single-handedly kept Ginsu knives in production, has come into the studio to help us. He’s plugging the release of his bio pic (Friday the 13th, in theatres today), and helping us spin some tracks for your Valentine's sweeties.

Jason, do you have anything to say to our listeners before we get started?

“…..*uhhh-nuh-*…..”

Ooookeedokey, the silent type, hmmm? How ‘bout you just point that machete at whatever disc you want? No, wait – not at her. C’mon, Jeanette’s my new assistant!! Really, machete to the back of the head? How original – isn’t that how you killed Kevin Bacon back in the day?!

“…Muh-mah…”

Oh right, it was your mom. Whatever, we’re through. It’s going to take the cleanup crew forever to get rid of all this blood.

“…um sah-rah…”

It’s a little late for you to be sorry now! It’s a good thing you picked out a few songs before this whole mess started. Here’s Jason’s list, people – enjoy.

1. “Die, Die My Darling” – The Misfits
2. “My Love Is Like A Tire Iron” – Ted Nugent
3. “Poison Heart” – Coffin Caddies
4. “Blood, Sex and Booze” – Green Day
5. “Sex & Dying In High Society” – X
6. “Love Is a Fist” – Mr. Bungle
7. “Beat Your Heart Out” – The Distillers
8. “Only Women Bleed” – Alice Cooper
9. “Drivin’ Thru My Heart” – The Donnas
10. “Love You To Death” – Type O Negative
11. “Stabbed In The Heart” – Damone
12. “Kiss Me Deadly” – Lita Ford
13. “Evil Love” – Meat Puppets
14. “Breaking Up The Girl” – Garbage

So what songs did this hockey goalie reject forget? You know where the comments section is

Drunk On Nog - Your Christmas Soundtrack

Since Thanksgiving, you’ve been bombarded with Christmas songs that you’ve heard approximately a bazillion times (yes, that’s a precise unit of measure – don’t question it!). If you’re like me, you’re ready to rip your ears off in defiance, but you’ve still got the office party this Friday and the neighbors’ all-inclusive Christmakwanzukkahstice celebration on Saturday. So, what do you do about that pesky music? Juano’s got you covered, never fear. Of course, you may have to knock out the DJ with a giant ornamental candy cane to get these tunes on – but that shouldn’t be a problem, right? Some of these songs are classics, some are humorous ditties and others will get you put on the “Naughty” list for life. But it’s worth that lump of coal – plus, I know some of you have had a spanking on your X-Mas list, so there’s the whole two-birds-one-stoner outlook. Enough buildup, here’s the goodies:

1. “Fairytale of New York” – The Pogues
2. “Christmas” – Blues Traveler
3. “Run, Run Rudolph” – Chuck Berry
4. “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause” – The Damned
5. “Twelve Days Of Christmas” – Bob & Doug McKenzie
6. “Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis” – Tom Waits
7. “Christmas Katie” – Widespread Panic
8. “Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy” – David Bowie & Bing Crosby
9. “I Almost Met Santa Claus” – Marc Amendola
10. “Christmas Night of Zombies” - MXPX
11. “Swiss Colony Beef Log” – Eric Cartman (South Park)
12. “Merry Christmas From The Family” – Robert Earl Keen (there’s also a great cover by Jill Sobule)
13. “Christmas In Hollis” – Run DMC
14. “Santa Has A Mullet” – Nerf Herder
15. “Cool Yule” – Louis Armstrong
16. “I’m Having Santa For Christmas” – Lustra
17. “Santa and His Old Lady” – Cheech and Chong
18. “Christmas At The Zoo” – Flaming Lips
19. “My First Christmas As A Woman” – The Vandals
20. “Oi To The World” – No Doubt (Vandals cover)
21 “The Christians and the Pagans” – Dar Williams
22. “Christmas Wrapping” – The Waitresses
23. “Bizarre Christmas Incident” – Ben Folds
24. “My Christmas List” – Simple Plan
25. “Christmas In The Slammer” – The Swallows

You need more holiday tunes? Try these albums for more:

1. Just Can’t Get Enough: New Wave Christmas
2. You Sleigh Me!
3. Just Say Noel (Geffen Records)
4. Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics (South Park)
5. Christmas Caravan – Squirrel Nut Zippers
6. A Christmas Album – Bright Eyes
7. Lump of Coal
8. The Ultimate Christmas Collection - Brian Setzer
9. A Magical Christmas of Magic - Harry and the Potters
10. The Mother of All Flagpole Christmas Albums

Have a blast, kids! Just watch out for your cousin Tony's Eggnog - he makes it with Rum and lighter fluid...

Your Turkey Day Soundtrack

Did any of your little ones find the legendary golden waddle that Tom Turkey sneaks into some lucky kid’s house every year? My favorite part of Thanksgiving morning was always biting the head off the chocolate turkey. Ah, good times… which, of course, are ruined when your family starts showing up. Auntie Madge will say the Turkey’s overdone, little cousin Jimmy will cover your table in mashed ‘taters the likes of which haven’t been seen since Close Encounters and Uncle Bob will have his hand down the front of his pants before the table’s cleared. That's just how it works – so start drinking early, throw on some music and get ready for a meltdown. Here are some songs to get you started…

1. “Alice’s Restaurant Masacree” – Arlo Guthrie
2. “You To Thank” – Ben Folds
3. “Jive Turkey” – Ohio Players
4. “Thank U” – Alanis Morissette
5. “Gotta Serve Somebody” – Bob Dylan
6. “Thanksgiving Song” – Adam Sandler
7. “Harvest” – Neil Young
8. “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)” – Sly & The Family Stone
9. “Gratitude” – Ani DiFranco
10. “Leftovers” – No Doubt

And around dessert time, you'll probably be ready for the bonus track:

11. "She's Gonna Break Soon" - Less Than Jake

Have fun, folks! But don't drink too much - you've gotta be up at three in the morning if you want to properly armor yourself for Black Friday. Remember that year when I got kicked in the crotch by a crazy grandmother trying to grab the last "Tickle Me Elmo"? I come prepared, now - steel cup and full riot gear. You hear that, grannie?! I'm on to you...

Your Election Day Soundtrack

It's been a long election, and most of us are glad to see it come to an end. Here's a little music to accompany you to the polling booths - some about the current administration, some about the campaign tactics and some just because. Enjoy!

1. “The One On The Right Is On The Left” – Johnny Cash
2. “The New World” – X
3. “Peaches” – Presidents of the United States of America
4. “No W” – Ministry
5. “If I Was President” – Wyclef Jean
6. “American Idiot” – Green Day
7. “Stars And Stripes Of Corruption” – Dead Kennedys
8. “The Bush Boys” – The Mammals
9. “Backstabber” – The Dresden Dolls
10. “Changing of the Guards” – Bob Dylan

Whatever the outcome, this is monumental kids. Hopefully the nation's still standing in the morning...

Your Halloween Soundtrack

What're all my little fiends up to on this frightful evening - dressing up like good little boys and ghouls? Drinking punch out of a steaming cauldron? Standing at the graveyard entrance with a shotgun, just in case? Whatever your answer, here's a bit of music to get you in the mood:

1. “Halloween Head” – Ryan Adams
2. “The Creeps” – Social Distortion
3. “I Love The Dead” – Alice Cooper
4. “Living Dead Girl” – Rob Zombie
5. “The Surfin’ Dead” – The Cramps
6. “Season of the Witch” – Donovan
7. “Now I’m Feeling Zombiefied” – Alien Sex Fiend
8. “God of Thunder” – KISS
9. “Vampira” – The Misfits
10. “Bloodsucker” – Southern Culture On The Skids

Anything else I should have on the list? You know where the comments section is.

I've had a blast with the Halloween hijinks this month. Thanks again to Virtual Stranger and Doctor Dan for helping out, and Dave Perillo for being kind enough to let me use his artwork. Now daddy needs a nap...

The Soundtrack Of Your Nightmares

You know how the porn industry turned a simple seventies funk groove (Bow-bicca-wow-wow) into Ron Jeremy’s daily soundtrack? Certain musical pieces become so indelibly tied to visual works that you can’t remove the images from your mind when you hear them (I will never again be able to hear “Stuck In The Middle” without thinking of the ear-cutting scene from Reservoir Dogs). Well, horror movies have a veritable smorgasbord of unforgettable music that will never be separated from the bloody masterpieces that housed them. You want a list, you say? Have at it…

1. Toccatta & Fugue in D Minor (J.S. Bach) – Most commonly known as “that organ music from Phantom of the Opera”, this piece has become a horror staple.
2. Mr. Sandman (The Chordettes) – It’s almost like they knew there would eventually be a dream stalker like Freddy out there. Where would the Nightmare On Elm Street franchise be without this song?
3. Tubular Bells (Mike Oldfield) – If you don’t think of pea soup and crucifix masturbation when you hear this, then chances are you haven’t seen The Exorcist – which seems unlikely.
4. Bad Moon Rising (Creedence Clearwater Revival) – A more perfectly suited transformation song for An American Werewolf In London you would never find. Lycanthropes around the globe rallied for this as their theme song after that movie.
5. Halloween Theme (John Carpenter) – Carpenter couldn’t read or write a note when he composed this simple piano melody. But the understated tune left an impression, and clued Halloween moviegoers in on when Mr. Myers was going to meet his next victim.
6. Jaws Theme (John Williams) – If you ever want to check how much this song has pervaded our memories, try going to the beach and playing this song at a loud volume. You may get kicked in the groin, but the sociological test is still valid.
7. Jeepers Creepers (originally by Louis Armstrong) – Was the original intention of this song to make me think about some kind of monster eating eyeballs? No? Well, tell that to my brain, would you…
8. Psycho Theme (Bernard Herrmann) – You know that experiment I mentioned with the Jaws theme at the beach? It works equally well with this song when your significant other is in the shower. (Juano’s Addiction does not assume any responsibility for the loss of limbs or assorted dangly bits during the course of these tests)
9. After Dark (Tito & Tarantula) – Tito & company actually play the house band in From Dusk Till Dawn. Whether or not you remember THEM, I bet you have a clear image of Salma Hayek doing the gyrating snake dance while she pours tequila down her leg. Yes, she turns out to be a killer vampire – but what a way to go!
10. Hellraiser (Christopher Young) – The entire soundtrack to Hellraiser was a sweeping gothic nightmare, but the title track…perfection. This thing will tear your soul apart!

You want more lists, you say? On the week of All Hallows Eve, how could I say no? You’ll have your Halloween soundtrack, a list of the finest Zombie comedies around, and anything else we can pack in. Just stick with us – we’ll provide the bloody best!