We’ve been getting an amazing amount of e-mails during Horror Month, so I feel inclined to share. I don’t think some of the writers even have fingers to type with, so that makes it even more surprising. Ah well, let’s dive in, shall we…
I was taking a nice leisurely rampage downtown when I saw some guy reading Juano’s Addiction on his laptop right before I crushed him. In your “Top 10 (Worst) Vacation Spots” bit, you mentioned how Godzooky was missing and made a JOKE about it. Harsh, man! I told you that in confidence – not cool! Plus, it turns out he was just out taunting Mothra with a giant sweater and lost track of the time – boys will be boys… Godzilla Jones, Monster Isle
Sorry about that buddy – sometimes I’m a little too quick with the punch line. How about I set you up with the 50 Foot Woman to make up for it? She was Lonely In Lilliput a while back, and she’s looking for love…
My witch doctor tells me that all the human flesh I’ve been eating is bad for my complexion, and I’m beginning to think he’s right – pieces are starting to fall off in clumps now. I’d love to go vegan, but brains “smell so rich and spicy” (ha-ha – god I love that flick!). Any Ideas how to curb my Zombiverous ways? Famished In Philly
It turns out that the Food Network has beaten you to the punch on this one – they just unveiled their “Undead Lite” series of foodstuffs last week. There’s Tofhuman (the soy flesh substitute), Borscht “Brain” Stew and Eviscerated Enchiladas, just to start. 9 out of 10 undead Americans say they can’t taste the difference, and I know your meaty neighbors will appreciate the change!
My cat will sit and stare at the gurgling toilet for hours – I think this is how Satan communicates with him, and why he bites me on the ass when I have to pee at 2 a.m. Should I have an exorcism? Fill the bowl with holy water? Flummoxed By Felines
No, cats are just evil on their own. The only reason witches still use them as familiars is that they’re too scared to say they’d like a puppy instead. But if your toilet is gurgling for hours, you may want to get that fixed…
You may remember me from my Saturday Night Live days – I’m Goat Boy. After I got kicked off that show, I went on a bit of a bender. I found myself down in Tijuana, drunk most of the time. I blacked out one night and woke up next to Suzy - who turns out to be a Chupacabra! Now she’s pregnant, and she says she wants to keep it and have me raise the little mutant with her. Yeah, that’d work out well – her Mom eats my Mom while Junior chews through his playpen. What the hell do I do now? Choopy Daddy, Mexico
Goat sucker must’ve sounded like a good description at the time, huh? Right, first off you need to know that pregnant Choopies have the worst raging hormones of any species – so stay out of biting range. From there you’ve got to realize that their species is surprisingly religious, so she’s HAVING the baby, like it or not. Just try to make friends with the local butcher and get your girl the blood she needs. After the kid’s born, you may feel more fatherly – unless he tries to eat you. But that’s anyone’s guess, really.
Yeah, hi, long-time reader, first-time writer. Anyway, I just got a promotion – but my buddy Moloch down at the Lava Pits Bar says that it was actually a DE-motion. I started out in Hell’s seventh circle and now I’m in the eighth – can you settle the bet for us? He’s going to set me up with this hot little succubus he knows if I win. Bob L. Zebub, Hoboken
Looks like you can pucker up, lover-beast! You should remind your friend that in Hell it’s all about DOWNWARD mobility. The numbers get higher, the pit gets lower, and your hooves get more cloven. Maybe you should buy Moloch some Dante so he can brush up…
That’s all we have time for this time, kids - but keep those letters coming…
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