Bringing out the Beast in YOU by Virtual Stranger

As El Juano has charged me with scribbling up stuff for him (he’s a busy man, y’know) I found myself falling back into standard research mode for our favorite holiday. Troublesome, because I’d also been reading a how-to article and they ended up merging somehow in my mind.

So, a few guaranteed, easy steps you can take if you want to become a werewolf...***

Piss off a God
Granted, this first method can go seriously wrong, but if you manage it just right... Ever hear of Lycaon? Greek king way back in the day. When discovering that Zeus was going to be dining with him one evening, Lycaon thought it would be funny as hell to serve the Father of the Gods a few choice cuts of—get this—human flesh!

Needless to say, this practical joke didn’t go over as well as one would think, and Zeus changed Lycaon into a wolf as punishment. While you may not have heard of the man himself, you’ve probably heard the word we get from his name—lycanthropy.

Bite The Hand...
Probably the best known way to become a werewolf is to be bitten by someone who already is one. It worked for Lon Chaney Jr., that kid in American Werewolf in London, and the damned sexy Kate Hodge in She-Wolf of London. Heck, even the loveable Oz on Buffy the Vampire Slayer found himself wolfing out after his teething baby cousin chomped down on his finger. Like most of the worst diseases, a little broken skin and spilt blood will do it.

That’s only half the process, though. The trick, here, of course, is to survive being bitten by the werewolf, as it’s very rare for them to stop at just the one chomp. It’s far more common for them to take twenty or thirty, and usually a pound of you-meat with each one. Much like vampires or zombies, the attacking lycanthrope is really just interested in feeding, not spreading his or her condition.

Don’t Drink That!!
A little known fact from Europe—you can become a werewolf by drinking water from a wolf’s footprint. Yes, taking sustenance from the faint imprint of a wolf can leave you with the faint imprint of a wolf. It’s dismissed as coincidence...

Stop and Smell the Roses
Ready for this shocker? Becoming a werewolf is as easy as plucking a few flowers. According to several legends, all it takes is picking any number of different small flowers (most notably wolfsbane) under the right conditions (most notably under the light of the full moon) and you’ll be craving your meat extra-rare once a month. If you ever saw the film Silver Bullet (based off Stephen King’s episodic novel Cycle of the Werewolf), poor Reverend Lester Lowe got his beast on because he wanted to decorate the church but chose poorly while on a walk in the woods…

The Gypsy Curse
Another tried and true favorite is the curse, usually delivered by an old Romany woman with a glass eye and a kerchief. Sometimes it’s deserved, sometimes it’s just out of spite, and every now and then there’s even a moral lesson in there. While it isn’t that common, it’s still well known and considered a classic.

To be honest, though, this method always baffled me a bit. I mean, isn’t it a bit like punishing someone by giving them the keys to your car? Yeah, they might do some damage, but aren’t you the one who ends up in a much more vulnerable position? “You’ve broken your word, lied, and dishonored all of us involved. As punishment, we’re going to turn you into an unstoppable killing machine!!! Let that be a lesson to you, and don’t come begging us to change you back...”

Beware the Bad Wolf
Another little-known fact from Europe—if the Time Lord known as the Doctor is correct, many reported werewolves are actually the result of an intelligent, alien virus manifesting itself in moonlight as... well, an unstoppable killing machine. Go figure. Heck, not only that, it would seem that Queen Victoria herself may have gotten a scratch or two from the big bad one, and passed it on to her descendants. Speaking of which, that brings us to our final method...

Get Born Into It
The hardest to manage and to avoid, there’s more than enough evidence that says lycanthropy is in the genes. So while it wouldn’t be the first curse to haunt people centuries after their great-grandfather annoyed the hell out of someone, it’s probably one of the more immediately apparent ones come puberty. This was the basis of the ancestral werewolf clans in most of the Howling movies. Now everyone close your eyes—everybody raise your hand who saw Teen Wolf, with Michael J. Fox’s oddly simian werewolf makeup. Yeah, that one was inherited, too.

Okay, hands down, you can all open your eyes now.

***Does not imply actual guarantee. Juano’s Addiction takes no responsibility for the effectiveness, or lack thereof, of any of these methods. Please shapechange responsibly.

(Since his last post, Virtual Stranger has been declared King of Southern California (with a little help from his Cenobite buddies). His first decree: mandatory cartoon watching on Saturday mornings, for all ages. In footy pajamas. Pinhead made V.S. some nice french toast kebobs last week while he watched Spider-Man - he's gone mad with power! For further updates on his reign, check out his blog, Writer On Writing.)