Verily, ‘Tis A Thor Movie!

Thor, Norse God of Thunder! One of the most powerful, longhaired hippies of the Marvel Comics universe. And, in the wrong hands, one of the most boring books in that company’s repertoire!

ThorFan52 - Wait, wait, wait - really?! Boring? I mean, even when he got turned into a cute little frog with a tiny little Mjolnir hammer?... Wow, maybe that WAS kinda weak. Dang!

So, why make a Thor movie? Aside from the fact that he's going to be a heavy hitter in the upcoming Avengers movie? Well, this is a great time for Thor fans, given the stellar relunch of the title by comic scribe extraordinaire, J. Michael Straczynski. Plus, we geeks do love our origin stories. But will this be another Iron Man caliber back-story, or possibly more akin to the first Hulk movie? Lord knows I never need to see another gamma-irradiated poodle again to remember the dreck that spawned it. Let’s just hope that Marvel has learned from their recent mistakes…and successes.

Early peeks at the plot have revealed that there will be a lot more of the Asgardian backdrop than many of the fanboys seem comfortable with (for those of you who may not be as fluent in geek speak, Asgard is the home of the Norse gods). A lot of people are griping that they want Thor to immediately be the superhero they remember from their childhood, fighting alongside Captain America and Iron Man to thwart the villain of the month. Well, kids, just remember – Thor got booted down to Earth for being a naughty godling. This movie will focus on some of the reasons he was cast out, and his gradual transition to one of Earth’s greatest heroes. All we can hope for from here is that the comic relief of characters like the Warriors Three won’t morph into the slapstick comedy of the Stooges Three…

So who will be filling the roles? Here are a few of the major cast members:

Thor: Chis Hemsworth

Geek Cred: What, playing James T. Kirk’s daddy (in this year's phenomenal Star Trek reset) isn’t good enough for you? Okay, how about if I tell you he’s in Joss Whedon’s upcoming horror movie, The Cabin In The Woods? Yeah, I thought throwing in the almighty Joss might clinch it.

Will He Suck? I’m going to go with no. His role as George Kirk (albeit short) got me all choked up. And as to ThorFan52’s comment that he looks a little too weenie to play the six-foot-something thunder god – unclench already! Recent pictures look like he’s been bulking up for the role. And haven’t you ever heard of the wonders of CGI? Yeesh…

Jane Foster: Natalie Portman

Who, Now? This was the love interest for Thor’s mortal identity, Dr. Donald Blake. She was originally a nurse, but they're supposedly tweaking the character to update.

Geek Cred: Hello? Princess Amidala? Star Wars I-III? Anyone? Oh yeah, and she was Evey in V for Vendetta…

Will She Suck? Hello? Star Wars I-III…kinda sucked. But we’ll blame most of that on George Lucas’ crappy writing (I believe someone described it as "what might happen if a syphilitic chimp was given a typewriter and some crack") and Hayden Christenson’s “what if Anakin Skywalker was played by a whiney Rocky Balboa” approach to acting. She’ll do fine.

Loki: Tom Hiddleston

Who, Now? Ah, Loki – God of mischief and lies. In the Marvel Comics version of the story, he was the son of a frost giant. Odin, king of the Norse gods (and Thor’s pappy), adopted Loki after killing his father. This character is a great introduction, since in the original Avengers comic he was the big bad that made the team come together…

Geek Cred: Well, one would assume that appearing in a Thor movie might do it, but it’s too early to tell.

Will He Suck? I confess that I’ve never heard of him before this project. But the pictures I’ve seen (no offense, Mr. Hiddleston) make me believe that he could mimic this smarmy baddie with one gauntlet tied behind his back…

Lady Sif: Jessica Biel (rumored)

Who, Now? Thor’s love interest in Asgard – picture a hot woman in armor wielding a sword and kicking your ass. Now go hose down, spanky.

Geek Cred: Do you remember her slow motion walking into your heart as Whistler’s daughter in Blade: Trinity? What? That movie stank like old cabbage? Oh yeah…

Will She Suck? Hopefully not, but I loved Jennifer Garner a lot more before she went and wrecked up Elektra. And me likey Jessica Biel - in a way that’s almost as wildly inappropriate as how most of us still feel when we remember Carrie Fisher in that gold bikini. Aahhh - Lady Sif in a chain mail tube top…

The Walking Dead Shamble Over To AMC

In an effort to further distance itself from that pesky “American Movie Classics” moniker, AMC has announced plans to adapt Image Comics’ The Walking Dead as a live-action TV show. Frank Darabont, who has directed a pair of Stephen King prison movies (The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile), is set to helm the project. The Dead series (written by Robert Kirkman and illustrated by Charlie Adlard since issue #7) has been around since 2003, and follows a small group of survivors who are trying to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Sounds right up our alley, doesn’t it?

From the beginning, the wonderful thing about this book is that the story has never relied on the gore factor. Its black and white print run has kept the graphic imagery from being over the top, while the plot itself (aside from the obvious) has never been completely horror-driven. It’s more about how people would react given this nightmare set of circumstances, and what they might do to protect their family. At the heart of this band of refugees is the nuclear family unit of Rick Grimes (a small-town police officer from Kentucky), his wife Lori and his son Carl. A lot of the peripheral cast has been ever changing as they meet up with other pockets of survivors, and as they lose people to… well, y’know…brain chompers.

As The Walking Dead pushes past the 64th issue marker (something of a feat for a non-anthology horror book), there will be a wealth of material for the show to delve into. Hopefully AMC will treat this venture with as much respect and attention as they have with Mad Men, and we can all look forward to multiple seasons of undead action…
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In related news, NBC has just ordered a pilot script for DC Comics’ Vertigo mini-series Midnight, Mass. The original story follows a husband and wife team, Adam and Julia Kadmons, as they travel the world solving supernatural mysteries. In the book, the monster baddie had a connection to the Kadmons that was slowly revealed. What direction the project will take (if it has any life in it) is too early to tell.

That's it for now, kids. What do you think the odds are of either of these shows having legs? Better than The Middleman? (God I miss that show!) Let me know your thoughts in the comments section...

Sad Announcement From The Beastie Boys' Adam Yauch (MCA)

It’s crazy that it’s been 23 years since The Beastie Boys dropped Licensed To Ill on our turntables. It’s even harder to believe that those selfsame clownish frat boys evolved into such a positive, grounded influence in the rap community. If you had told me that the trio that used a giant inflatable penis as one of their stage props would eventually be a leading force behind the Tibetan Freedom Concerts… I never would have believed it.

But what’s really tough to wrap your head around is the news that came from The Beastie Boys camp in late July (video below).



By now, I’m sure you’ve heard the announcement that Adam Yauch (better known as MCA) has cancer in his parotid gland and the neighboring lymph node. Scary news, to be sure, but Yauch himself seems pretty optimistic about the outlook. In the video statement he explains that since they detected it fairly early, after surgery and radiation treatment he should be fine. The doctors say that this is very treatable, and he assures the viewers that it won’t affect his vocal cords. He goes on to apologize for having to cancel tour dates and push back the release of their new disc (Hot Sauce Committee, Part 1).

Seriously? Put the album and tour on hold – neither one means a thing if he isn't happy, healthy and 110%. Just focus on getting better, MCA – we’ll all be here waiting when it’s over...

An Official End To My Childhood: R.I.P. John Hughes

John Hughes, screenwriter extraordinaire and pied piper to a generation of devoted Brat Packers, died from a heart attack while walking in Manhattan yesterday. He was only 59.

Though he has been out of the spotlight since 1994, he left a legacy that touched every teen who grew up watching his movies. At the age of 14, I vividly remember risking life and limb to sneak into my first R-rated movie - The Breakfast Club. What did I get from that experience? Aside from an appreciation for his laugh-til-you-cry sense of humor? Well, as with the rest of his repertoire, I had a list of songs that I needed to hear again and a cathartic feeling that someone else understood how lousy it was to be a teenager. And John Hughes showed us that the most awkward, socially retarded kid could get the girl/boy of their dreams...or possibly create one with a computer and a Barbie doll if all else failed. Hughes understood the pubescent masses better than we could ever have dreamed.

When I went to college, I found that everyone I met had a similar feeling about this wonderful man. We huddled together en masse in tiny dorm rooms to watch Uncle Buck, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Weird Science... and the list could seemingly continue forever.

Thank you, Mr. Hughes - for creating eminently quotable characters, for making us laugh and for keeping warm sentimentality alive. Hopefully you're off on a cloud somewhere doing the Uncle Buck dance and singing "Tweedlee-Dee, Tweedlee-Dee"...

Goodbye Monsoon Summer Playlist

If you live in the Northeast like I do, you’re probably about as sick of this summer’s striking resemblance to monsoon season as I am. Meanwhile, the meteorologists are all giddy because they get to coin new terms like “gustnado” – small, concentrated tornados that quickly sweep down your street and drop trees on your house while you’re at Home Depot! Sound a little specific? Yeah, that might’ve actually happened to me. I think the meteorologists should just go back to tracking meteors like they did in the old days. I mean what happens when a meteor filled with radioactive alien goop suddenly drops in the ocean and creates a race of giant mutant seahorses while they're off tracking silly things like weather? Hmmm?

But I digress.

The point I had been trying to make: this summer’s weather has sucked. We’re all tired of waking up to gloomy gray skies and sideways rain. Well, I’ve got your solution right here. First, watch a peppy mindless beach movie. No, not Beach Blanket Bingo - I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho Beach Party. Second, I’ve whipped up a little soundtrack to remind us of brighter days. If played loud enough (around 11 on the volume dial should do), these songs may actually scare the clouds away. Just point those speakers right out the windows – the neighbors won’t mind the noise if this works. Let’s give it a shot, shall we…

1. “Rockaway Beach” – The Ramones
2. “Steal My Sunshine” – Len
3. “Ocean Size” – Jane’s Addiction
4. “Surfin’ Cow” – Dead Milkmen
5. “Summer Nights” - Less Than Jake (Yes, it’s a Grease cover)
6. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
7. “Island In The Sun” – Weezer
8. “Goin’ Crazy (From The Heat)” – David Lee Roth
9. “Sun King” – The Cult
10. “Badfish” - Sublime

Any other suggestions? You know where the comments section is, kids…

Juano's Back - And Zombie Free For The Last 7 Days

I know, I know - no posts for a while. I got called away once again to thin the zombie hordes - this time in a small village in Africa where there was no internet access. Well, unless you count M'Tabe's Java Hut - but they only have one computer and the owner has a fetish for cannibal pygmy porn. You don't even want to know what the screen saver is.

It was a weird outbreak - zombie hippopotamus... hippopotami... hippopotamoose(?)! Ah, hippopotamuses (Thank you dictionary.com). M'Tabe actually got off of PersianPygmy.com long enough to track me down and send me an e-mail for my help. Lord knows I can't turn down anyone being overrun by the undead...whatever form they may take.

It was a long and messy battle, but I'm home now. So many things to catch up on, kids. And to answer Juanofan187's question, no, Michael Jackson is NOT part of the undead horde - but that was a very legitimate concern.

I try to keep a watchful eye on all the dead (and undead) celebs so you don't have to, keeping all your towns brain-biter free. I've missed you guys...

Juano’s Addiction Breaks The Silence To Talk About DRAG ME TO HELL…

…and how you should NOT go to see it. I’m seriously hoping that the karmic retribution department has tacked on an extra two hours to the end of my life to make up for the time I lost watching it.

Can it really be that bad, you ask? Okay, it may not be THAT bad, but it sure wasn’t good. So why did I even go to see it? Well, once upon a time, before Sam Raimi started wrecking the Spider-Man franchise, he worked on a much more legendary trilogy. True horror fans can quote the Evil Dead flicks verbatim, and Three Stooges fans could equally marvel at the slapstick adventures of Bruce Campbell and company - a wonderfully odd mixture with a delicate balance. Buckets of fake blood, rubber masks, possessed deer heads…ahh, the memories! So, when Drag Me To Hell was touted as “Sam Raimi’s return to horror”, my curiosity was piqued.

In retrospect, seeing the PG-13 rating, I should have fled the theatre. Or I could have just gone to see Star Trek again. But I stuck with my original plan, much to my dismay. Let’s jump right into the problems with this steamer, shall we?

Casting

A huge problem right out of the gate was casting Justin Long (Mac of “Mac and PC” fame) in the straight man role, when he has clearly proven his comedic timing in the past (see Dodgeball or Accepted for proof). Instead, he plays the straight-laced boyfriend to Christine Brown (played by the lovely, if somewhat stiff, Alison Lohman), the girl getting dragged to Hell. I’d hate to have to condemn Justin Long to eternal damnation, but it would’ve been a much better ride getting there. But I do have to say, if you should ever need a crazed old gypsy lady (the shamed Mrs. Ganush) to utter a curse (and possibly try to gum you to death with her dentures out), Lorna Raver is the way to go. The biggest casting mistake, though – no Bruce Campbell. Supposedly, the man with the chin was busy with his TV show (Burn Notice), but damn if he couldn’t have saved this stinker.
Maybe.

Plenty of viscous fluids, but where’s the blood?

We know Raimi likes to use a lot of gooey and messy fluids by the barrel – but for a horror movie, there was a distinct lack of dismemberment, disemboweling and good old-fashioned beheadings (What’s that? Yeah, I already told them it was PG-13. I still expect more chopping, dangit!). Instead, we got Mrs. Ganush’s “productive cough”, the aforementioned denture-free sliming as Christine was nearly gummed alive and the deceased Ganush’s fluid vomit (Was it embalming fluid? Lemonade? Corn liquor? Those crazy Gypsy morticians!). When we DID get to see blood, it came out of Christine’s nose. Granted, it was a humorously twisted spray hose of a nosebleed, but still…

Too many trips to the Evil Dead trick bag

Yes Mr. Raimi, you know that horror fans love our Evil Dead II references – but from you, we were hoping for something new. Instead, we got some carbon copy gags:

1. The laughing, animated objects at the séance – yeah, we remember the scene where they were trying to drive Ash crazy.
2. The Candarian Demons from Evil Dead were silly enough, but the possessed manservant in this film doing a jig while he’s floating… Yikes.
3. The possessed talking goat was the next logical procession of the Candarian mounted deer head, I guess…
4. As a ghoulish Mrs. Ganush tries to kill Christine again, the anvil-on-the-head gag not only ripped off Raimi’s earlier work (this scene could easily have been swapped for the eyeball-in-the-mouth gag from E.D. II), but also stole one of Wile E. Coyote’s trademark moves. Now, if she could’ve just said something like “Someone’s in my fruit cellaaaar!”, the circle would be complete.
5. The Ash-like behavior of Christine at the end, when she switches modes from frightened to pissed-off, is actually fairly humorous. Awww, they even gave her a catch phrase: “I’m gonna get me some!”. (I guess she gets points for looking much better in a wet t-shirt than Bruce Campbell, though…)
6. Ash’s car. Okay, this was actually a pretty funny nod – Mrs. Ganush drives a yellow ’73 Oldsmobile.
7. Numerous references to a "cabin in the woods" left us hoping the film would eventually find its way to Ash's hideaway. Not so much, though...

As a whole, the movie acted like it was taking itself seriously as a horror movie. The problem was, the sight gags became that much more outrageous as a result. The balance that I referred to with the Evil Dead flicks was tipped, and it just became a farce. If you’re going to see this movie, try to get a little drunk first. Then go home and watch Evil Dead II. If Sammy wanted to revisit the franchise, he should’ve created a worthy sibling to its Candarian brethren. Instead, we got the result of a failed inbreeding experiment…