Tim Hortons Fears A Ghoul

One bad call can sure ruin a fella’s day – one really bad call, and you’re locked away in an asylum for the holidays. That’s right, kids - I’ve been tossed in the loony bin, the funny farm, the straightjacket suite…whatever you’d call it, I’m here. To make things worse, I’m on the northern exposure of the Canadian border, so none of my usual contacts have been around to bust me out. So, if any of the regulars are reading this – Stranger, Mr. B, Field – I sure could use a rescue. It’s getting so you can’t kill a couple of zombie plague infected college kids in a donut shop without someone calling the authorities anymore.

I’ve been on “good behavior” since Thanksgiving, which adds up to about fifteen minutes of unmonitored internet access a day (granted, it’s a Canadian coconut phone modem, but I can’t be too choosy). The computer has been part of my therapy privileges since Boxing Day (yeah, I know what you're thinking – was I still too crazy to control myself 24 hours earlier on Christmas? I guess you'd have to ask those frakkin’ canucks!). I neglected to tell them about my little blog, and I’m hoping what they don’t know just might save me.

How did I get in this mess? Well, back in early November a buddy of mine from Toronto caught some scanner chatter about three sickly looking jocks causing a ruckus at a Tim Hortons. One of them passed out for a while and woke up a little too bitey for the locals, if you catch my drift. Lucky me (sense the sarcasm?), I was in the area already, so I said I’d check it out.

And to start, this seemed like one of the easiest gigs ever. First off, to walk in to the smell of caramel and coffee versus the putrefied meat stink that I’m usually greeted with…definitely a bonus. Second, only two of the three had turned by the time I got there. One of them was moving so slowly that I was actually able to take him out with a pointy day-old cruller to the eye – which is certainly going in my top five favorite zombie takedowns of all time. The other one slipped in a puddle of coffee one of the minimum wage monkeys had spilled, and bashed his own brains in on the corner of the ice machine.

But that was the end of my luck. The police showed up when I was trying to dispatch the third one. He hadn’t turned yet, and the authorities generally frown on the whole “murder spree” thing – especially when their prime suspect is babbling about the undead. Suddenly, I’m the bad guy?! Really, no applause necessary – just throw me in a padded room, I’ll be all set. We’ll just hope that when the third kid turns, he’s as clumsy as his buddies.

And here we are. Somebody needs to track this IP address and GET ME OUT!! In the meantime, I’ll keep you guys in the loop. I’ve missed a lot over the holidays, so I’ll try to make up for some lost time. And no more whining about being locked up, I promise...

Sink Your Rotting Teeth Into Toronto's Zombie Short Film Festival

Remember when zombies weren’t in vogue, and those of us who loved (and rightfully feared) them were considered a bunch of freaks? Luckily, if they were any more fashionable now they’d be wearing Jimmy Choos as they ripped into your melon to scoop out the juicy brains. MMMM…brains!

To celebrate the undead in style, our neighbors to the North (no, not Vermont you morons – Canada! Now pay attention!) have organized the first (hopefully annual) Zombie Short Film Festival at the Revue Cinema in Toronto, Ontario. So on October 30th, moviegoers from around the world can flock to see brains and viscera and gore…oh my!

The deadline for submissions was October 1st, so any enterprising filmmakers who hadn’t already shipped out their gory best will have to wait until next year to enter. From this year’s myriad of entries, the Zombie Fest crew (led by co-founders Jim Taylor and Cory Laffin) has already whittled the list down to the top 10, which is what will be screened for the lucky audience on the night of the event.

What kind of wacky revenant hijinks can we expect, you ask? Well, from what I’ve seen so far, we can expect a bit of CGI animation, a dash of homeless heroics and a smattering of…zombie on Barbie violence (yeah, you read that right!). You say you want to take a peek? Beware, here are some delightfully demented examples:

So, you'd like to see some silly zombie home movies? Check out The Lonely Squirrel (by Ronni Raygun Thomas) here.

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Or how about a glimpse into how a bum may be humanity's best hope for survival in Bum of the Dead (by Geoff Whitman and crew):

Bum of the Dead from Geoff Whitman on Vimeo.

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What, your appetite's still not sated? Fine, how about checking out the tale of two Barbies in love during the zompocalypse in Housewarming (by Lee Marquardt) here.

And the fun doesn't stop there! Just imagine the gooey goodness that awaits you on the 30th. Check out the Zombie Short Film Festival web site for all the details (including the list of finalists) here. Just make sure your passport's ready to cross that border in a couple of weeks, folks - have a splatterific good time!