Craptastic Horror Flicks - Unworthy Of A Remake?

My good friend Virtual Stranger’s piece made me start thinking about the rampant remakes – and there are certainly more to come. So, given the ridiculous amounts of junk that the ‘80s spewed out, what might never rate the upgrade? For that matter, did they rate the transfer from Beta? Sure, some of them are guilty pleasures that still bring a grin to my face. Did some of them even earn a sequel? Of course, but it was the ‘80s so that’s not exactly a badge of honor – I mean, how many sequels did Chucky get? See where I’m going with this?

Let’s take a look at some crap, shall we?

1. Demons (1985) – Those wacky Italians and their gore fests! Dario Argento, maestro of mayhem, delivered buckets of guts in this outing. And oh, what a lovely mid-‘80s soundtrack – Motley Crue, Accept, Scorpions – those spandex clad butt cheeks alone send shivers down the spine. Oh yeah, and there was some kind of plot, too – centered around a theatre opening in West Berlin, where moviegoers are treated to a horror scene on and off the screen. You see, when a woman in the lobby tries on a “prop” mask, a needle hidden inside gives her a demonic hickey. When that bad dog begins to fester, she turns all toothy and starts a-killin’. Of course, anyone she bites gets a slight case of demonitis, too – cue nonstop slaughter, roll credits. Hey, at least the outbreak didn’t start from a demonic toilet seat…

2. 976-Evil (1988) – Ring-ring… “Yeah, this is Hoax.”
“Hey, buddy, it’s Satan. Listen, I know your nerdy existence is frustrating and lonely. How about you let me possess you and take you on a little killing spree? I PROMISE to get you laid”
“Um…okay.”
That’s the long and short of it. A satanic phone number. Suddenly, that evil toilet seat doesn’t seem quite as preposterous, does it? (Of note: this was directed by Robert Englund.)

3. The Video Dead (1987) - Is there an entire subgenre of horror focused on spooky things creeping out of your TV? If so, this flick would end up sandwiched somewhere between Carol Anne’s TV experience (wait, isn’t that a prog-metal band?) in Poltergeist and The Ring's sopping wet killer brat. Oh, this time it’s zombies from the cable dimension, in case you were curious. (For more things clawing their way out of your flatscreen, check Demons 2.)

4. Dead Pit (1989) – Given Dr. Ramzi’s bedside manner, you could make a case that Mengele was just a bit misunderstood. One would assume that Ramzi’s reign of terror would have ended when he was killed and buried in the basement of a mental hospital. But twenty years later, the magical pairing of an earthquake and a girl with psychic mojo end up unleashing the now undead doc on the world. Oh, and his former “patients” join him for some revenant festivities. Luckily, they brainstorm and decide to start up a zombie day spa with rejuvenating seaweed wraps…Okay, no, they really just kill a bunch of people – but it would’ve been an interesting alternative.

5. Madman (1982) – It’s a horror story told around the campfire – after Madman Marz killed his whole family with an axe, he was captured and hung in the woods. But, as fellas with the nickname “Madman” often do, he escaped to kill again! Now, when his name is uttered above a whisper, Marz is likely to do his best barber impression and take a little off the top – scalp and all. Cue the dumb kid yelling his name, followed by scenes of camp counselors having crazy hot tub sex right before getting massacred. Was this a Friday the 13th rip-off? Sure. But this was a REDNECK supernatural backwoods killer. It’s the subtle differences…

6. Basket Case (1982) – It’s true what they say about two heads being better than one – especially for some bloody carnage. If that second head belongs to your nearly inhuman formerly conjoined twin…bonus! The boys hold a slightly murderous grudge against the docs that separated them and…well, I’m guessing you can figure out the rest, right? You almost feel for poor Duane (the human half of the duo) as he discovers love…at the same time his monstrous counterpart slithers away to kill again. Worst…double date…EVER…

7. Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988) – Ahhh…the title says it all, doesn’t it? The time was the ‘80s, where the women clearly shed their clothes to do everything – it’s a historical fact. “Eeeek! There’s a noise in the basement – let me just strip down to a thong and investigate!” “What, there are zombies outside? I’d better do some nude aerobics to warm up before running away!” Linnea Quigley, scream queen extraordinaire, was the feature bimbette in this cheese fest – which featured a wish-granting imp that had been imprisoned in (I kid you not) a bowling trophy. Somehow, the wishes all have disastrous consequences – and not just to trap you in bowling shoes for eternity, but that’s a start…

8. The Gate (1987) – You know that sneaking suspicion you had as a kid that if you had a hole big enough, it would unleash Hell on earth? What’s that? Your parents told you the hole would just end up taking you to China? Well that’s just silly. This movie shows us what would really happen – when the hole in Glen’s backyard starts churning green smoke and smelling like Dante’s BBQ Pit, demonic misbehaving can’t be far behind. Granted, the addition of Glen’s blood and some light incantations and ouija board summoning don’t help matters - yeesh, it’s like they’ve never seen a horror movie before. In the end, the lyrics of an obscure heavy metal band explain how to get their supernatural pests under control. And here I thought metal was supposed to CAUSE the problems – maybe I should go dig out my old Ronnie James Dio on vinyl just in case. Yeah, that’s probably not the best plan either...

9. Slumber Party Massacre (1982) – Sexy pillow fight, anyone? Wait, let’s check with the slasher of the week… Yeah, he’s okay with it - he’s also open to Jell-O wrestling. Oh, but he’s going to have to kill you all horribly with a power tool after the strip charades. It IS a massacre, after all. The funny thing about this raunchy romp is that it was penned by a feminist activist (Rita Mae Brown) as a parody of the slasher genre – but the producers decided it should be a more “serious” affair, thus the cheese-fest that it became. The first sequel (yes, there have actually been THREE) used INTENTIONAL humor much better than the freshman outing.

10. Night of the Creeps (1986) – What, you think you can find a better movie about alien brain parasites that turn their hosts into zombies? Yeah, I’m looking at you Slither! The humorous parallels between the mindless zombies and the frat boys they infect are lost on no one, and this is ‘80s schlock at its finest. (This one was just re-released on DVD this week, so go grab it!)

Bonus ‘90s Crap
11. Dead Alive (1992) – Nobody EVER believes the story of the cursed Sumatran rat monkey ‘til it’s too late. Suddenly, Mum’s a zombie who’s infecting the populace and you end up having to chop up the neighbors with a lawnmower. Dang, Peter Jackson (who directed) got lucky when he started courting Hobbits and giant monkeys – do you think he put this one on his resume? (Yes, I know I’m going to get crap for putting this cult fave on the list, but c’mon…)

If there’s anything you think might be conspicuously absent from this list, chances are it’s being remade. Yes, even Silent Night, Deadly Night – because who doesn’t want to see a Santa wannabe killing the neighborhood. ‘Til next time, have a gory good time – and Happy Halloween!

Original Sin by Virtual Stranger

Ahhhh, tis the season for infectious disease, random murders, and bone-chilling screams in the middle of the night. I knew what I was getting into when I moved to Los Angeles, though, so it’s too late to start complaining. And it’s not that bad when you get used to it.

Awful truth is, I used to be scared of everything. The dark. Things under the bed. Things in the closet (thank you, Stephen King for “The Boogeyman,” which haunts me to this day). Heights. Blood. Snakes. Monsters. Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton wasn’t even born yet, but I dreaded her coming. I got recurring nightmares from Fantasy Island, Land of the Lost, and even the old Get Smart show. You name it, I lost sleep because of it.

I gradually grew out of my abject terror, but it wasn’t until I met our lovely host in college that I was introduced to the idea of horror as a good thing. El Juano showed me the glory of the gory and the thrill of the thriller.

Alas, most of you these days don’t get to experience the joy of horror, because a lot of what you get has been kind of re-processed and homogenized with a few additives and preservatives. It’s hard to tell one horror movie from another, to be honest. Y’see, Timmy, back in the day before all film studios turned out was remakes, some of us got to see these things called Original Films. You probably know most of them today as remakes, but you don’t really know horror until you’ve treated yourself to some of these gems in their original form.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Little did little Georgie Romero know that he and his buddies were starting a whole subgenre of movies when they scraped together enough cash to make the most gruesome horror movie they could. Before then, zombies were people Boris Karloff hypnotized to work on his Haitian plantation, but within a few years they’d created a new nightmare--the next door monster. Slow, lumbering, almost unstoppable, and its only function is the biggest taboo in human society: cannibalism. Since then people have tried to speed zombies up, smarten them up, and laugh them up, but to this day nothing beats the original for sheer shivers. And a rights screw-up left it in the public domain, so you can even download it and watch it right now.
(Seriously, go here to download it now!)

The Omen (1976)
Rupert Thorne’s adopted son, Damien, has problems. His nanny commits suicide in a truly spectacular fashion at his birthday party. The nice priest that looks like Doctor Who dies horribly just after trying to reveal the secret of Damien’s true parentage. And a photographer has started to assemble an ugly list of coincidences about the boy that could mean bad news for everyone, and I do mean everyone!

Unlike the crass remake that was rushed out because some marketing guy figured out how to read a calendar, this film is all suspense. No creepy things in mirrors. No cheap shots. Not even much of a body count. You can count the deaths on one hand, really. But the atmosphere in this movie keeps piling up and piling up as Rupert sees the photographer’s eerie pictures, they discover how thoroughly Damien’s past has been erased, and by the time they’re prying open tombs in a European graveyard, just a quick glimpse of a few bones can make you shudder. You can drown in this movie! It’s the creepy tale of two men who’ve discovered they’re standing in front of a juggernaut, and nothing they do has a prayer of stopping it.

Halloween (1978)
Even if you never knew the story, John Carpenter’s little film about a guy in a Shatner mask killing folks became an instant icon by tying itself to our favorite holiday. This groundbreaking film (and it really was) took an idea that had been lurking on the edge of the American consciousness and threw it out in the open. What if Michael Meyers, a perfectly normal kid from a perfectly normal family... just went crazy? What if he carved up a few folks and no one knew why? Worse yet, what if he spent his life in an institution, got loose, and decided to pick up with the senseless killing right where he left off? Combined with Carpenter’s revolutionary “point of view” camerawork, an almost real-time script, and a series of gruesome on-screen murders, this film literally changed how horror movies were made. Seriously. Hollywood completely re-geared after this film. The era of sophisticated “adult” horror was gone, and it was now being aimed specifically at teenagers. All because of this movie.

Hey, speaking of aiming at teenagers...

Friday the 13th (1980)
Everyone knows the iconic vision of Jason in his hockey mask. What some of you youngins probably don’t know is that he didn’t get the mask until the third movie in the series. In the second movie he just wore a dirty pillowcase with some eye-holes. Heck, in the first movie Jason was only a minor character. The killer was someone else entirely! Who? Go rent it, I’m not going to tell you everything...

In a way, this series did in the ‘70s what Rob Zombie did in 2007 with his remake. They both tried to copy the original Halloween, but didn’t quite understand what it was about that movie that was so terrifying. Teenagers using drugs? Check! Teenagers having sex? Check! Savage killer? Check! Loads of blood? Check! Friday the 13th just grabbed all the sensational elements of Halloween and ignored some of the deeper subtext... just like Rob Zombie did.
This series created a whole new sub-genre-- the slasher film. It gave everyone the right to call themselves a filmmaker, provided they could figure out creative ways to kill people that sprayed blood a minimum of seven feet. Plus it gave Kane Hodder a career as the man behind the mask.

The Fog (1979)
Carpenter comes back with the story of a wonderful little oceanside town that’s been sitting on a few ugly secrets from the past. Jamie Lee Curtis comes back as the young lady who has to live through it, even though she’s out of her teens. Creepy undead pirates just make us want to come back again and again. This movie gets a lot of mileage out of simple camera tricks, not giving us a good look at the monsters, and that biggest of all nightmares--karma. While it seems a bit unfair at first that the dead things in the fog are picking on this little town, we come to find out the town kind of had it coming. Yeah, we don’t want to see Jamie Lee and her new beau get torn up, but the rest of ‘em... well, the undead have a pretty solid argument in their favor. I say kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out.

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
Oddly enough, this early film by Wes “Elm Street” Craven is the American equivalent of Godzilla. The Japanese made a movie about the horrors of the nuclear age, we saw a film about a big dinosaur knocking down buildings. Then America made a film about an innocent (well semi-innocent) group of recluses being mutated by nuclear testing, forgotten, and forced to fend for themselves... and it got remade into a story about brutal cannibals. The real horror of this story wasn’t what these people up in the hills did, it was about what they were. It was this eerie story about how the monster was human and he wasn’t alone. He brought Ma, Pa, Granny, little Joe, and little Becky-Sue with him. The flesh-eating, that was just a side thing.

And if the word on the street is true, this time next year I’m going to have to rant about Evil Dead and Hellraiser, so go see those before they’re torn down and rebuilt.

Go!!

(Virtual Stranger was the inspiration for both the epic poem Beowulf and the motion picture Raiders of the Lost Ark, and is single-handedly responsible for repelling the Martian Invasion of 1936 that occurred in Grovers Mills, New Jersey. He is the author of numerous short stories, the upcoming Ex-Heroes, and an as-yet-undiscovered Dead Sea Scroll. There is compelling evidence that he is, in fact, the Limbergh baby.)

For more of Virtual Stranger's wonderful breed of insanity, check out his ranty blog!

Sink Your Rotting Teeth Into Toronto's Zombie Short Film Festival

Remember when zombies weren’t in vogue, and those of us who loved (and rightfully feared) them were considered a bunch of freaks? Luckily, if they were any more fashionable now they’d be wearing Jimmy Choos as they ripped into your melon to scoop out the juicy brains. MMMM…brains!

To celebrate the undead in style, our neighbors to the North (no, not Vermont you morons – Canada! Now pay attention!) have organized the first (hopefully annual) Zombie Short Film Festival at the Revue Cinema in Toronto, Ontario. So on October 30th, moviegoers from around the world can flock to see brains and viscera and gore…oh my!

The deadline for submissions was October 1st, so any enterprising filmmakers who hadn’t already shipped out their gory best will have to wait until next year to enter. From this year’s myriad of entries, the Zombie Fest crew (led by co-founders Jim Taylor and Cory Laffin) has already whittled the list down to the top 10, which is what will be screened for the lucky audience on the night of the event.

What kind of wacky revenant hijinks can we expect, you ask? Well, from what I’ve seen so far, we can expect a bit of CGI animation, a dash of homeless heroics and a smattering of…zombie on Barbie violence (yeah, you read that right!). You say you want to take a peek? Beware, here are some delightfully demented examples:

So, you'd like to see some silly zombie home movies? Check out The Lonely Squirrel (by Ronni Raygun Thomas) here.

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Or how about a glimpse into how a bum may be humanity's best hope for survival in Bum of the Dead (by Geoff Whitman and crew):

Bum of the Dead from Geoff Whitman on Vimeo.

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What, your appetite's still not sated? Fine, how about checking out the tale of two Barbies in love during the zompocalypse in Housewarming (by Lee Marquardt) here.

And the fun doesn't stop there! Just imagine the gooey goodness that awaits you on the 30th. Check out the Zombie Short Film Festival web site for all the details (including the list of finalists) here. Just make sure your passport's ready to cross that border in a couple of weeks, folks - have a splatterific good time!

I’m Finally Ready To Forgive You For Armageddon, JJ…

We’ll call Armageddon a lapse in judgment, Mr. Abrams. That’s the best I can give you, considering the grudge I’ve held for the last decade over that steaming pile of film cells. You succumbed to the pressure of building a Hollywood spectacle and created…well, it was a bunch of space cowboys in a disaster flick with an asteroid. Oh yeah, and you turned Steve Buscemi into a howling madman straddling a nuke like it was his…y’know…”missile”. Ah, and let’s not forget the blame we should all place on JJ for single-handedly turning Aerosmith into a bunch of neutered, whining schlock peddlers!

But Mr. Abrams has been repaying his debt to his audience ever since. Starting with Alias, he was able to transform Jennifer garner into a dimpled, ass-kicking beauty of the small screen. Adding a touch of the mystical to that show made it even more enjoyable, and after five seasons I was ready to forget Bruce Willis in the cheesy astronaut costume. And then came Lost - ah, the plane crash that launched a thousand questions. You brought us such mystery and excitement! Is it a dinosaur out in the jungle? What the hell is in that hatch? How does Evangeline Lilly manage to stay drenched like she'd been in a wet t-shirt contest in every scene? Suddenly, I was able to erase Ben Affleck’s pseudo tough guy routine from my memory.

And 2009 clinched it – his penance can be at an end! You see, JJ started this fantastic little show called Fringe in 2008. The basics: FBI agent Olivia Dunham (played by Anna Torv) is assisted by Peter Bishop (played by Joshua Jackson), a “civilian consultant” with a usefully shady past, and his father Walter Bishop (played by John Noble), who is a genius level scientist who spent a large chunk of time in the loony bin after his experiments – both in human testing and his own ingestion of mounds of pschotropic drugs – made him a bit cuckoo. The trio, along with some help from the FBI and sketchy corporate giant Massive Dynamic, investigate “fringe” science and its consequences. To boil it down: if there’s an unexplainable boogeyman living under your bed, or if you happen to be growing extra organs, chances are good that these will be your heroes.

So, if this show started in ’08, why is ’09 the year of final forgiveness, you ask? Well, while it’s true that the show was a fun ride, it didn’t seem to have a clear sense of direction at first. It could’ve just as easily been X-Files Part Deux, between the mystery atrocity of the week and Olivia’s constantly melancholy “Woe is me” delivery. But in ’09, we started to see all the pieces come together. People were watching the team – if they were people at all. There was the revelation that there is a creepy parallel universe. Olivia’s bum unclenched when they added her sister and niece to the show. Leonard Nimoy returned to TV as science officer Spock...oh wait, no, he's Dr. Bishop’s former partner, Dr. Bell. And of course, there's the whole “Wait, who stole who from another universe to replace their dead WHAT now?!”

And that doesn’t even begin to cover the acting - John Noble’s portrayal of Dr. Bishop is Emmy-worthy at very least. At first, he merely seemed to fill the role of comic relief – feeding drug cocktails to himself and any lab animal that hadn’t already been dissected. But as we start to see that most all of the weekly abominations point back to Walter, he begins to remember why he might’ve been locked away in the first place. His reactions turn from comical to grief-stricken in an instant, and the result is perfection.

The fact that I’ve begun to take Dawson’s Creek alum Joshua Jackson so seriously…well, that’s just another testament to the show’s brilliance. And the masterful storytelling just gets better in season 2 – the conspiracy grows larger, the shape shifters are shiftier, and we say a
permanent goodbye to at least one cast member. I’m finally excited for each new episode of a TV show again. So yes, JJ, I can even forgive you for Buscemi’s phallic breakdown. With the added bonus of your Star Trek reboot being, as my friend Cheryl put it so succinctly on Facebook, “made of awesome”…I think we’re going to be okay. I can respect your work again.

But you might still want to give Aerosmith a call to say you’re sorry – they never quite recovered from being turned into giant pussies.

Brains, Brains, Tasty Brains! It's Zombie Walk Salem '09

You know, people, I can’t protect you from the zombie threat if you’re just going to go and party with them anyway. And that looks like what’ll be happening this Saturday (October 10th), at the 2nd annual Zombie Walk Salem. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like – people dressed up as zombies, walking a route straight through Salem, MA. Like that town doesn’t have enough problems with witches, now they’ve got the zombie plague – you might as well just hand over your brain at the gate.

And they make it sound so enticing! The zombie-philes over at High Hat Productions are starting this shindig at Collins Cove Field at 3 PM. And you say you want some creepy activities? Well, they’ve lined up such ghoulish games as Capture The Hand and Zombie Kickball to keep everyone occupied ‘til there are enough undead roamers to constitute a proper horde – then the walk begins. To end the tour, the shambling fiends will grace us with…a dance number?! Oh, they’re going to do the Thriller Dance in front of the Lobster Shanty? Well that makes a lot more sense. And for those who haven’t snacked on any gray matter along the way, The Lobster Shanty will be offering free brains (yes, brains, I kid you not) to anyone dressed as a zombie (and to any real zombies, one would guess – I know I wouldn’t turn ‘em down).

There will be a “Best Costume” prize to the top 3 zombies – so bring out your finest rag suits and dresses, and make sure to spread enough blood and viscera around. Oh, and make sure you slouch for the pictures – no one likes a zombie with good posture!

(Click the map on the left for a larger version of the route.)

If you’re looking for more fun after the walk ends, it sounds like a lot of the local faves will be having appropriately themed parties:

- Dodge Street Bar & Grill will be providing the band of your nightmares, Voodoo Screw Machine, at 9 PM. I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys have tried to nosh on a few noggins during their shows…

- Did I mention the brains at the Lobster Shanty? Yeah? Well, I guess there’s an outdoor party attached to the whole frontal lobe buffet – I hear there might even be some Soylent Green wafers…

- Rockafellas is having a Halloween bash that night at 8 PM, featuring The Herland Brothers.

For more info on any of the Zombie Walk activities, check in on our friends at the High Hat Productions web site, or the Walk’s Facebook page. And remember, kids – it’s natural to be curious about the undead. Just keep your succulent brain covered…

My What Big Teeth You Have, Jennifer...

If you’ve seen the trailers for Jennifer's Body, you know the basic plotline: Jennifer (Megan Fox) is the uber-hot high school tease, who eventually starts eating her male classmates. The aptly named Needy (geekily cute Amanda Seyfried) has been her BFF since childhood, always covering for Jennifer's misdeeds while harboring a pretty serious bicurious crush – thus, the tease of a possible lesbian kiss in the commercials. Things obviously go a little wonky for the duo when Needy catches on to the whole demonic murder angle - it IS tough to look the other way when your best bud is dripping with blood and viscera, after all.

What most people are trying to figure out: Is this a horror movie with a dash of teen comedy, or vice versa? I’m happy to report that there’s a generous dose of both, thanks to the able writing of Diablo Cody (in her first screen effort since Juno). You’re certainly not going to get any John Hughes-esque life lessons out of this teen romp, but Cody’s humorous, pop culture laden dialogue makes for an entertaining outing.

As to the accusations that the movie is trying to sell itself on sex appeal alone, I’ve brought in an expert on the subject. His name is Hank DeSchlong, and he used to cast some of the sex bombs from the big horror franchises of the ‘70s and ‘80s.

Juano’s Addiction: Hank, thanks for talking to us.
Hank DeSchlong: Hey, no problem, buddy.
JA: You've clearly seen a lot of the big horror flicks from the past few decades. So, in comparison, what was your take on the sexual themes of this movie? Are they going too far?
HD: Not far enough, if you ask me.
JA: Really? A lot of folks are saying that the only audiences they were trying to reach were teenage boys and horny old men.
HD: And you've just described a horror flick's best customers. But seriously, what did we get out of this flick? A little sideboob here and there, the outline of an ass – everybody stayed pretty well covered up.
JA: But what about the Jennifer/Needy kissing scene?
HD: What-EVER! I guess if that’s what kids get hot and bothered about now, great. Back in the day, they both would’ve stripped to some cool metal tune within the first five minutes.
JA: Yeah, but things have changed. Now, parents are more worried about their kids seeing nudity than they are about them witnessing full eviscerations.
HD: That’s what I’m saying! If this was still the eighties, we wouldn’t have had to worry about that crap. Boobs AND blood and guts, that’s what you were paying for, so that’s what you got. And this whole ‘But, what’s my motivation?’ attitude these actresses pull is what’s killed the horror industry. In any one of the Friday The 13th movies, we could’ve told them girls that it was vital to the plot that they just strip down naked, lube up with Wesson oil and jump on a trampoline. Done! No freakin’ questions, no diva attitude… God, I miss them days.
JA: Wow, could you twist your moustache when you say things like that? It all seems a bit demoralizing - I’d like to think that things have progressed a bit since then.
HD: God, you sound like a pussy, you know that?! I thought you wanted my unique point of view or whatever.
JA: Okay, okay... How about the music aspect – you mentioned the metal connection from the eighties pics. How do the current soundtracks to these genre movies stand up?
HD: The bands are bigger pussies than you are! I mean, look at the band from the movie, Low Shoulder – they’re all a bunch of eyeline wearin’ indie queers. I’m supposed to believe they’d have the sac to sacrifice that girl Jennifer to Satan to further their careers? I’m surprised that they weren’t the ones kissing each other in the trailer.
JA: Yeah, that’s a lovely sentiment. Those guys on your t-shirt - Motley Crue - didn't they wear a bunch of makeup, too?
HD: That's different. They're artists!
JA: Artists who wear blush and spandex - but I guess the cross-dressing look was in back then.
HD: You take that back! Never defile the name of the Crue!

(At this point, Mr. DeSchlong was vacated from the premises after jumping across the table and trying to strangle me with an electrical chord.)

Okay, I’m back. Mr. DeSchlong’s POV was certainly… illuminating. Restraining orders aside, he did have a point about the band in the movie, though – anyone aspiring to the dizzying heights of popularity of Maroon 5 may actually not be the most desirable agents of Satan. But Adam Brody's hilariously tongue-in-cheek take on the role of brooding singer Nikolai, along with the constant repetition of Low Shoulder's "hit" song ("Through The Trees"), provided ongoing gags that garnered quite a few chuckles.

My overall reaction to the film: an amusing ride that provided more belly laughs than skin-crawling visuals. It's similar to the Idle Hands breed of high school hijinks, dark comedy and occasional gore. But in this instance, even the peripheral blood splatter was a bit toned down for an R Rated movie - most of the kill scenes were done in silhouette, reducing the visual impact. Gory without the gore, but funny with plenty of fun. The fact that Cody opted out of the stereotypical horror movie ending (Jennifer jumping back to life, someone else turning evil to carry on the legacy, yadda-yadda-yadda) actually lets us walk out thinking of something other than a possible sequel, which was a big bonus.
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And if you ARE the type of person that needs to take some overall moral away from everything you see, try this one out for Jennifer's Body:

“Being a virgin might get you killed, but pretending to be a virgin will make you a killer. So either way, embrace your inner slut to make the world a better place.”

Not so warm and fuzzy, but what were you expecting...

Newport Folk Fest '09 Highlights - Old News Moves Slowly

Every blogger in the world has brought you the lowlights of that damn VMA show – we GET it, Kanye is a giant douchebag. But is anyone else going to give you a peek into a festival that took place a month and a half ago? I think not! But Juano’s got the goods - here it is kids, everything you never wanted to know about The Newport Folk Festival ’09…

Voted Most Likely To Incite Rebellion: Tom Morello, The Nightwatchman

Okay, I know this guy lost some credibility after he turned into a giant pussy in Audioslave – especially compared to his amazing stint with Rage Against The Machine. But a couple of years ago, Mr. Morello went folk – just him, an acoustic guitar, and the occasional harmonica and stomp box - yet somehow, he’s more of a rock god now than during his heyday. This is his second visit to the Folk Fest, and I think he got the crowd even more fired up this year.

Highlights: He debuted a new song, “Dogs of Tijuana”. But the real standout was his cover of “This Land Is Your Land”, complete with the original final verse that the record companies didn’t want you to hear. He has the kind of stage presence that makes you want to change the world…at least for the 45 minutes of his set. But during that time, if he had asked us to burn the venue to the ground I don’t know if we could have said no. (Now if we could just get that same level of enthusiasm from Mr. Morello on his Nightwatchmen studio albums, we’d have a real movement…)

More Info/Set Download: Check out his whole performance, available for download here thanks to NPR's (National Public Radio's) web site - just look for the download link at the top of the page.
Most Likely To Wax Poetic About Squirrels and Bob Dylan: The Decemberists

Ah, The Decemberists - to define you as prog-folk with a dash of thrash guitar would just pigeonhole you. So we’ll just call you a bunch of weirdos who make great music. The band took a break from their scheduled routine for the Folk Fest’s 50th anniversary – they’ve been performing their epic concept album, The Hazards of Love, in its entirety during this tour. Instead, their set provided us with such faves as “O Valencia!” and “The Crane Wife Pt. 3”. We were also treated to what leading man Colin Meloy referred to as “the worst song I ever wrote” – “Dracula’s Daughter”. C’mon man, don’t be so hard on yourself – it was really funny…oh, it was supposed to be tragic…ahhh.

Highlights: A recreation of Bob Dylan going electric at the ’65 Folk Fest was performed during “A Cautionary Song” by The Decemberists Family Players. To give you an idea of how truly surreal that telling was, a big ol’ squirrel had a key role in this wacky rendition…’nuff said. We were also lucky enough to witness the American debut of two new songs: “Down By The Water” and “Copper Mine Song”. But the biggest treat came from the vocal talents of two of the women touring with the Hazards of Love troupe: Becky Stark (of Lavender Diamond) and Shara Worden (of My Brightest Diamond…huh, kind of a sparkly gem thing going on with these bands). Stark was entrancing backing She & Him at last year’s Folk Fest, and was equally wonderful here. But Worden, as the Queen in the Hazards fable, had one of the most commanding voices I’ve ever heard – the studio version just didn’t do it justice. If you have a chance, SEE The Decemberists before the end of this tour!

More Info/Song Downloads: Check out 3 songs from their phenomenal set here, again from NPR. To check for tour dates, go to the bands page here (they'll be in New York and Vermont this weekend, if you're feeling like a road trip).

The Gillian & David By Any Other Name Award: Gillian Welch and David Rawlings Machine

In Gillian Welch’s band (who played Saturday’s show), David Rawlings plays second banana, and vice versa for David Rawlings Machine (who played on Sunday). Huh. Luckily, they’re both extremely fun and incredibly talented – both with a strong, unique voice that shines through.

Highlights: For Gillian, it was her exhaustion that led to my favorite moment. Announcing that she had been on the road and sleep deprived for WAY too many consecutive hours, she confessed to being a bit delusional. She decided to roll with that feeling and broke into a transcendently hallucinatory cover of “White Rabbit”. She also played one of my faves, “Look At Miss Ohio”.

For David Rawlings Machine…man, it might’ve been his duds. Yeah, the tunes were great, but you should’ve seen this wide pinstriped lavender suit he was wearing - snazzy! But the music was pretty darn good, too – from a cover of Old Crow Medicine Show’s “I Hear Them All” to Bob Dylan’s “Queen Jane Approximately” to the encore of Johnny & June Carter Cash’s “Jackson”, Mr. Rawlings knows how to please.

More Info/Set Downloads: Check out Gillian Welch's set here and David Rawling's Machine's set here.

Most Likely Soundtrack To A Good Old-Fashioned Bloodletting: Tim Eriksen & The Shape Note Singers

Any of us who lived in Western Mass during the early ‘90s probably remembers the band Cordelia’s Dad, who married classic folk stories with a punk soundtrack. That act eventually went mostly acoustic, and now Tim Eriksen has gone even more unplugged. Starting the show solo, surrounded by a variety of traditional instruments, he played a slew of centuries old ditties. He was eventually accompanied by his former Cordelia’s bandmate Peter Irvine on percussion.

Highlights: So where were these Shape Note Singers that were supposed to be with him, I wondered? Well, they came out about halfway through, and they absolutely filled the stage. Shape notes are basically a way of writing music for large groups, each note representing a vocal sound (fa-sol-la-mi). And when sung together (completely a cappella in this case) by such a large congregation that Mr. Eriksen had with him – beyond impressive.

More Info/Set Download: Check out the set here, and for more backstory about shape note singing, check out their page here.

Most Likely To Be Photographed Nude On A Bucking Horse: Ramblin’ Jack Elliott

Okay, so I know that this guy is a bit of a legend. And yes, it was his 78th birthday on the day of the show. And they did make an announcement about no flash photography before the start of the set. But when the guy stopped dead every time some poor schlub with a camera showed up, it made me think less about his musical legacy, and more about C.O.M.S. (Cranky Old Man Syndrome).

Highlight: To his credit, Mr. Elliott made a compromise with all would-be photographers in the audience: if they would stop taking pix during the set, he would let us photograph him in the parking lot, nude on a bucking horse. Y'know, I'm as open-minded about role play as the next guy, but that sounded a bit overindulgent...

Two Acts I Wish I'd Seen More Of: Langhorne Slim & Billy Bragg

I'll file this under: too many stages, too little time. For Langhorne Slim, I was in the wrong tent and only caught the last two songs of their set - but they had the crowd up and dancing. That doesn't seem like that big of a feat, but when you're the first act of the day (starting your show before noon), a lot of people won't give you that kind of attention. I had never heard these guys before, but I'll certainly be looking forward to checking out more.

I've heard Mr. Bragg's studio work in the past, but it's really the silly banter between songs that makes him so entertaining. His comedic rants make his very political messages much more appealing - it seems like Billy and Tom Morello might have a lot to talk about over a frothy pint or two...

More Info/Set Downloads: Luckily for me (and you, as it would seem), NPR posted both full sets. For Langhorne Slim go here, and for Billy Bragg go here.

Oh, And There Were a Few Living Legends, If You're Into That Sort Of Thing...

Being the 50th anniversary and all, they had some acts you may have heard of: Joan Baez, Pete Seeger and Arlo Guthrie to name names. I'm assuming you may already know about these folks though, right?

That's it for now. Maybe next time I can dig up some news that's even more outdated - I'm talking Mesozoic, baby. Fingers crossed!...

Anyone Feeling...Creative?

Anyone who has met me knows that I like to fancy myself a writer. Anyone who knows me well recognizes that I have the writing SKILLS of a drunken chimp - but that's an entirely different matter.

I'm here once again to ask anyone who's interested to pitch in for my annual blog crossover event in October. The subject: anything spooky, scary or horror-themed. It is October after all, the last day of which is possibly the bestest holiday EVER!;)

"What the hell is this idiot blathering about? What the frak does he want?", you ask. Quite simple.

I want a description of what spooky means to YOU. I want rants/raves about the best/worst horror flicks or Halloween cartoons you've ever seen. I want a list of the perfect Halloween party music EVER. I want crudely drawn pictures of Freddy Krueger in a tutu drawn on a bar napkin. I want a description of why your significant other's addiction to lousy horror movies bugs the crap out of you. Pictures of your best Halloween costumes. As long as it's moderately funny or entertaining, it's in. It would hopefully increase traffic to your site, especially if everyone cross-promotes and provides appropriate links to the materials.

"But I don't have a blog!", you lament.

If you don't, send it my way - I can post some material on mine. I'll even do a little light editing and spell-checking for you, but you'd get full credit (or none if you want a pseudonym). But you could also post it through your MySpace page or as a note on Facebook if you wanted to take more control.

The most important part is that everyone has fun and flexes a creative muscle. I'll accept submissions until October 20th (written works should be limited to 1.5 pages in MS Word).

Please use the information below for contacting me:

el Juano
juanosaddiction@comcast.net

Thanks all - I look forward to checking out what you've got. I'll do my best to review all submissions, and I'll post everything I can...

Verily, ‘Tis A Thor Movie!

Thor, Norse God of Thunder! One of the most powerful, longhaired hippies of the Marvel Comics universe. And, in the wrong hands, one of the most boring books in that company’s repertoire!

ThorFan52 - Wait, wait, wait - really?! Boring? I mean, even when he got turned into a cute little frog with a tiny little Mjolnir hammer?... Wow, maybe that WAS kinda weak. Dang!

So, why make a Thor movie? Aside from the fact that he's going to be a heavy hitter in the upcoming Avengers movie? Well, this is a great time for Thor fans, given the stellar relunch of the title by comic scribe extraordinaire, J. Michael Straczynski. Plus, we geeks do love our origin stories. But will this be another Iron Man caliber back-story, or possibly more akin to the first Hulk movie? Lord knows I never need to see another gamma-irradiated poodle again to remember the dreck that spawned it. Let’s just hope that Marvel has learned from their recent mistakes…and successes.

Early peeks at the plot have revealed that there will be a lot more of the Asgardian backdrop than many of the fanboys seem comfortable with (for those of you who may not be as fluent in geek speak, Asgard is the home of the Norse gods). A lot of people are griping that they want Thor to immediately be the superhero they remember from their childhood, fighting alongside Captain America and Iron Man to thwart the villain of the month. Well, kids, just remember – Thor got booted down to Earth for being a naughty godling. This movie will focus on some of the reasons he was cast out, and his gradual transition to one of Earth’s greatest heroes. All we can hope for from here is that the comic relief of characters like the Warriors Three won’t morph into the slapstick comedy of the Stooges Three…

So who will be filling the roles? Here are a few of the major cast members:

Thor: Chis Hemsworth

Geek Cred: What, playing James T. Kirk’s daddy (in this year's phenomenal Star Trek reset) isn’t good enough for you? Okay, how about if I tell you he’s in Joss Whedon’s upcoming horror movie, The Cabin In The Woods? Yeah, I thought throwing in the almighty Joss might clinch it.

Will He Suck? I’m going to go with no. His role as George Kirk (albeit short) got me all choked up. And as to ThorFan52’s comment that he looks a little too weenie to play the six-foot-something thunder god – unclench already! Recent pictures look like he’s been bulking up for the role. And haven’t you ever heard of the wonders of CGI? Yeesh…

Jane Foster: Natalie Portman

Who, Now? This was the love interest for Thor’s mortal identity, Dr. Donald Blake. She was originally a nurse, but they're supposedly tweaking the character to update.

Geek Cred: Hello? Princess Amidala? Star Wars I-III? Anyone? Oh yeah, and she was Evey in V for Vendetta…

Will She Suck? Hello? Star Wars I-III…kinda sucked. But we’ll blame most of that on George Lucas’ crappy writing (I believe someone described it as "what might happen if a syphilitic chimp was given a typewriter and some crack") and Hayden Christenson’s “what if Anakin Skywalker was played by a whiney Rocky Balboa” approach to acting. She’ll do fine.

Loki: Tom Hiddleston

Who, Now? Ah, Loki – God of mischief and lies. In the Marvel Comics version of the story, he was the son of a frost giant. Odin, king of the Norse gods (and Thor’s pappy), adopted Loki after killing his father. This character is a great introduction, since in the original Avengers comic he was the big bad that made the team come together…

Geek Cred: Well, one would assume that appearing in a Thor movie might do it, but it’s too early to tell.

Will He Suck? I confess that I’ve never heard of him before this project. But the pictures I’ve seen (no offense, Mr. Hiddleston) make me believe that he could mimic this smarmy baddie with one gauntlet tied behind his back…

Lady Sif: Jessica Biel (rumored)

Who, Now? Thor’s love interest in Asgard – picture a hot woman in armor wielding a sword and kicking your ass. Now go hose down, spanky.

Geek Cred: Do you remember her slow motion walking into your heart as Whistler’s daughter in Blade: Trinity? What? That movie stank like old cabbage? Oh yeah…

Will She Suck? Hopefully not, but I loved Jennifer Garner a lot more before she went and wrecked up Elektra. And me likey Jessica Biel - in a way that’s almost as wildly inappropriate as how most of us still feel when we remember Carrie Fisher in that gold bikini. Aahhh - Lady Sif in a chain mail tube top…

The Walking Dead Shamble Over To AMC

In an effort to further distance itself from that pesky “American Movie Classics” moniker, AMC has announced plans to adapt Image Comics’ The Walking Dead as a live-action TV show. Frank Darabont, who has directed a pair of Stephen King prison movies (The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile), is set to helm the project. The Dead series (written by Robert Kirkman and illustrated by Charlie Adlard since issue #7) has been around since 2003, and follows a small group of survivors who are trying to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Sounds right up our alley, doesn’t it?

From the beginning, the wonderful thing about this book is that the story has never relied on the gore factor. Its black and white print run has kept the graphic imagery from being over the top, while the plot itself (aside from the obvious) has never been completely horror-driven. It’s more about how people would react given this nightmare set of circumstances, and what they might do to protect their family. At the heart of this band of refugees is the nuclear family unit of Rick Grimes (a small-town police officer from Kentucky), his wife Lori and his son Carl. A lot of the peripheral cast has been ever changing as they meet up with other pockets of survivors, and as they lose people to… well, y’know…brain chompers.

As The Walking Dead pushes past the 64th issue marker (something of a feat for a non-anthology horror book), there will be a wealth of material for the show to delve into. Hopefully AMC will treat this venture with as much respect and attention as they have with Mad Men, and we can all look forward to multiple seasons of undead action…
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In related news, NBC has just ordered a pilot script for DC Comics’ Vertigo mini-series Midnight, Mass. The original story follows a husband and wife team, Adam and Julia Kadmons, as they travel the world solving supernatural mysteries. In the book, the monster baddie had a connection to the Kadmons that was slowly revealed. What direction the project will take (if it has any life in it) is too early to tell.

That's it for now, kids. What do you think the odds are of either of these shows having legs? Better than The Middleman? (God I miss that show!) Let me know your thoughts in the comments section...

Sad Announcement From The Beastie Boys' Adam Yauch (MCA)

It’s crazy that it’s been 23 years since The Beastie Boys dropped Licensed To Ill on our turntables. It’s even harder to believe that those selfsame clownish frat boys evolved into such a positive, grounded influence in the rap community. If you had told me that the trio that used a giant inflatable penis as one of their stage props would eventually be a leading force behind the Tibetan Freedom Concerts… I never would have believed it.

But what’s really tough to wrap your head around is the news that came from The Beastie Boys camp in late July (video below).



By now, I’m sure you’ve heard the announcement that Adam Yauch (better known as MCA) has cancer in his parotid gland and the neighboring lymph node. Scary news, to be sure, but Yauch himself seems pretty optimistic about the outlook. In the video statement he explains that since they detected it fairly early, after surgery and radiation treatment he should be fine. The doctors say that this is very treatable, and he assures the viewers that it won’t affect his vocal cords. He goes on to apologize for having to cancel tour dates and push back the release of their new disc (Hot Sauce Committee, Part 1).

Seriously? Put the album and tour on hold – neither one means a thing if he isn't happy, healthy and 110%. Just focus on getting better, MCA – we’ll all be here waiting when it’s over...

An Official End To My Childhood: R.I.P. John Hughes

John Hughes, screenwriter extraordinaire and pied piper to a generation of devoted Brat Packers, died from a heart attack while walking in Manhattan yesterday. He was only 59.

Though he has been out of the spotlight since 1994, he left a legacy that touched every teen who grew up watching his movies. At the age of 14, I vividly remember risking life and limb to sneak into my first R-rated movie - The Breakfast Club. What did I get from that experience? Aside from an appreciation for his laugh-til-you-cry sense of humor? Well, as with the rest of his repertoire, I had a list of songs that I needed to hear again and a cathartic feeling that someone else understood how lousy it was to be a teenager. And John Hughes showed us that the most awkward, socially retarded kid could get the girl/boy of their dreams...or possibly create one with a computer and a Barbie doll if all else failed. Hughes understood the pubescent masses better than we could ever have dreamed.

When I went to college, I found that everyone I met had a similar feeling about this wonderful man. We huddled together en masse in tiny dorm rooms to watch Uncle Buck, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Weird Science... and the list could seemingly continue forever.

Thank you, Mr. Hughes - for creating eminently quotable characters, for making us laugh and for keeping warm sentimentality alive. Hopefully you're off on a cloud somewhere doing the Uncle Buck dance and singing "Tweedlee-Dee, Tweedlee-Dee"...

Goodbye Monsoon Summer Playlist

If you live in the Northeast like I do, you’re probably about as sick of this summer’s striking resemblance to monsoon season as I am. Meanwhile, the meteorologists are all giddy because they get to coin new terms like “gustnado” – small, concentrated tornados that quickly sweep down your street and drop trees on your house while you’re at Home Depot! Sound a little specific? Yeah, that might’ve actually happened to me. I think the meteorologists should just go back to tracking meteors like they did in the old days. I mean what happens when a meteor filled with radioactive alien goop suddenly drops in the ocean and creates a race of giant mutant seahorses while they're off tracking silly things like weather? Hmmm?

But I digress.

The point I had been trying to make: this summer’s weather has sucked. We’re all tired of waking up to gloomy gray skies and sideways rain. Well, I’ve got your solution right here. First, watch a peppy mindless beach movie. No, not Beach Blanket Bingo - I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho Beach Party. Second, I’ve whipped up a little soundtrack to remind us of brighter days. If played loud enough (around 11 on the volume dial should do), these songs may actually scare the clouds away. Just point those speakers right out the windows – the neighbors won’t mind the noise if this works. Let’s give it a shot, shall we…

1. “Rockaway Beach” – The Ramones
2. “Steal My Sunshine” – Len
3. “Ocean Size” – Jane’s Addiction
4. “Surfin’ Cow” – Dead Milkmen
5. “Summer Nights” - Less Than Jake (Yes, it’s a Grease cover)
6. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
7. “Island In The Sun” – Weezer
8. “Goin’ Crazy (From The Heat)” – David Lee Roth
9. “Sun King” – The Cult
10. “Badfish” - Sublime

Any other suggestions? You know where the comments section is, kids…

Juano's Back - And Zombie Free For The Last 7 Days

I know, I know - no posts for a while. I got called away once again to thin the zombie hordes - this time in a small village in Africa where there was no internet access. Well, unless you count M'Tabe's Java Hut - but they only have one computer and the owner has a fetish for cannibal pygmy porn. You don't even want to know what the screen saver is.

It was a weird outbreak - zombie hippopotamus... hippopotami... hippopotamoose(?)! Ah, hippopotamuses (Thank you dictionary.com). M'Tabe actually got off of PersianPygmy.com long enough to track me down and send me an e-mail for my help. Lord knows I can't turn down anyone being overrun by the undead...whatever form they may take.

It was a long and messy battle, but I'm home now. So many things to catch up on, kids. And to answer Juanofan187's question, no, Michael Jackson is NOT part of the undead horde - but that was a very legitimate concern.

I try to keep a watchful eye on all the dead (and undead) celebs so you don't have to, keeping all your towns brain-biter free. I've missed you guys...

Juano’s Addiction Breaks The Silence To Talk About DRAG ME TO HELL…

…and how you should NOT go to see it. I’m seriously hoping that the karmic retribution department has tacked on an extra two hours to the end of my life to make up for the time I lost watching it.

Can it really be that bad, you ask? Okay, it may not be THAT bad, but it sure wasn’t good. So why did I even go to see it? Well, once upon a time, before Sam Raimi started wrecking the Spider-Man franchise, he worked on a much more legendary trilogy. True horror fans can quote the Evil Dead flicks verbatim, and Three Stooges fans could equally marvel at the slapstick adventures of Bruce Campbell and company - a wonderfully odd mixture with a delicate balance. Buckets of fake blood, rubber masks, possessed deer heads…ahh, the memories! So, when Drag Me To Hell was touted as “Sam Raimi’s return to horror”, my curiosity was piqued.

In retrospect, seeing the PG-13 rating, I should have fled the theatre. Or I could have just gone to see Star Trek again. But I stuck with my original plan, much to my dismay. Let’s jump right into the problems with this steamer, shall we?

Casting

A huge problem right out of the gate was casting Justin Long (Mac of “Mac and PC” fame) in the straight man role, when he has clearly proven his comedic timing in the past (see Dodgeball or Accepted for proof). Instead, he plays the straight-laced boyfriend to Christine Brown (played by the lovely, if somewhat stiff, Alison Lohman), the girl getting dragged to Hell. I’d hate to have to condemn Justin Long to eternal damnation, but it would’ve been a much better ride getting there. But I do have to say, if you should ever need a crazed old gypsy lady (the shamed Mrs. Ganush) to utter a curse (and possibly try to gum you to death with her dentures out), Lorna Raver is the way to go. The biggest casting mistake, though – no Bruce Campbell. Supposedly, the man with the chin was busy with his TV show (Burn Notice), but damn if he couldn’t have saved this stinker.
Maybe.

Plenty of viscous fluids, but where’s the blood?

We know Raimi likes to use a lot of gooey and messy fluids by the barrel – but for a horror movie, there was a distinct lack of dismemberment, disemboweling and good old-fashioned beheadings (What’s that? Yeah, I already told them it was PG-13. I still expect more chopping, dangit!). Instead, we got Mrs. Ganush’s “productive cough”, the aforementioned denture-free sliming as Christine was nearly gummed alive and the deceased Ganush’s fluid vomit (Was it embalming fluid? Lemonade? Corn liquor? Those crazy Gypsy morticians!). When we DID get to see blood, it came out of Christine’s nose. Granted, it was a humorously twisted spray hose of a nosebleed, but still…

Too many trips to the Evil Dead trick bag

Yes Mr. Raimi, you know that horror fans love our Evil Dead II references – but from you, we were hoping for something new. Instead, we got some carbon copy gags:

1. The laughing, animated objects at the séance – yeah, we remember the scene where they were trying to drive Ash crazy.
2. The Candarian Demons from Evil Dead were silly enough, but the possessed manservant in this film doing a jig while he’s floating… Yikes.
3. The possessed talking goat was the next logical procession of the Candarian mounted deer head, I guess…
4. As a ghoulish Mrs. Ganush tries to kill Christine again, the anvil-on-the-head gag not only ripped off Raimi’s earlier work (this scene could easily have been swapped for the eyeball-in-the-mouth gag from E.D. II), but also stole one of Wile E. Coyote’s trademark moves. Now, if she could’ve just said something like “Someone’s in my fruit cellaaaar!”, the circle would be complete.
5. The Ash-like behavior of Christine at the end, when she switches modes from frightened to pissed-off, is actually fairly humorous. Awww, they even gave her a catch phrase: “I’m gonna get me some!”. (I guess she gets points for looking much better in a wet t-shirt than Bruce Campbell, though…)
6. Ash’s car. Okay, this was actually a pretty funny nod – Mrs. Ganush drives a yellow ’73 Oldsmobile.
7. Numerous references to a "cabin in the woods" left us hoping the film would eventually find its way to Ash's hideaway. Not so much, though...

As a whole, the movie acted like it was taking itself seriously as a horror movie. The problem was, the sight gags became that much more outrageous as a result. The balance that I referred to with the Evil Dead flicks was tipped, and it just became a farce. If you’re going to see this movie, try to get a little drunk first. Then go home and watch Evil Dead II. If Sammy wanted to revisit the franchise, he should’ve created a worthy sibling to its Candarian brethren. Instead, we got the result of a failed inbreeding experiment…

Daddy, What's a CD?

“Sit down kids, and let me tell you a story. See, there used to be a time when you couldn’t just plug your brainstem into the download port and automatically absorb the music you wanted to hear. We had to go to the local record store and sift through bins of vinyl, racks of cassettes and shelves of CDs to find what we wanted. And sometimes *gasp*… the album we wanted wasn’t in stock.”

“But…I…where was the instant gratification?”

“I know it’s hard to believe – but we actually liked it. A few of us LOVED it. You could go in and look for a Misfits album and discover ten different bands that you NEEDED to hear. And the fanzines and posters and snotty record store workers… I miss being called a poser for picking up the newest Green Day disc. Those record store music nazis gave the verbal equivalent of a swift kick to the nuts – but you came out stronger for it!”

“Daddy, are you on the crackpipe? That sounds like the opposite of fun!”

“Oh kids, you just don’t get it. You’ve missed so much…”

Like human interaction…stacks of used/bargain discs that led to unabashed impulse buying…oversized cardboard cutouts of your favorite rock stars…walls of tie-dyed band shirts from yesteryear…provocative album art that gave you your first near-sex experience. Ah, those were the days. Wait a second, those things still exist!! The flesh-and-blood music scene isn’t as dead as the iGeneration would like you to believe.

Join us in celebrating the indie record store this Saturday (April 18th) – it’s the second annual Record Store Day! What does that mean? Well, this is a way to link up with your fellow music aficionados and spread the word to your friends – but on a nationwide kind of scale. Drag your lazy buddy off the couch, preach the word to your coworkers and tell your family…well, tell them you met a nice girl and you want them to meet her at the record shop. Don’t worry, once they get there, they’ll find all sorts of goodies - like in-store performances by all sorts of exciting bands, and RSD exclusive releases, ranging from limited edition discs/vinyl to t-shirts to “split singles” – vinyl singles with one band on the “A” side and another on the flipside.

More specifics, you say? Fine, here you go:

- Jack White (of White Stripes/Raconteurs fame) is using RSD to unveil his new group, The Dead Weather – they’ve got a two-track exclusive.

- Flight of the Conchords fans will be excited to hear about a 7-inch featuring a couple of unreleased tracks from their HBO show.

- A Tom Waits concert single, "Live from the Glitter and Doom Tour."

- Some of those split singles I talked about earlier? How about Elvis Costello/Jenny Lewis? Or Black Keys/Flaming Lips. Sonic Youth actually has two separate team-ups – one with Beck, the other with Jay Reatard.

So, if you love music (you know you do!), check in with your local record shop. Support the scene and score some cool stuff! If you want a list of participating stores, check here. I know for sure that Turn It Up! (Northampton, MA) is definitely onboard - they're starting the celebration tonight, with local faves The Maggies making a stop before their big show down the road at The Iron Horse later in the evening. WRSI (speaking of local music heroes) will also be on hand to help promote this wonderful event.

Not sure if your fave store is in on the fun? Give them a call! And again, check RecordStoreDay.com for more complete info. Buy it up, people!

(On a sad side note - R.I.P. About Music, Greenfield, MA. You were a wonderful little shop, and provided us with great music for many years. But look for their future web adventures at the relaunch of the About Music web site on May 1st.)

Today Only: Metal Memorabilia Auction

This is a first on Juano’s Addiction, so bear with us while we work out the kinks. We’ve got a lot of great items on the auction block today, though, and the money’s going to a great cause: The Hair Plug Society For Balding Rockers. Because seriously, not everyone can rock a shiny dome like Rob Halford.

Let’s jump right in here – we have some guests in house to introduce their items, so let’s get to it.

Juano’s Addiction: To start, let’s say hello to Vince Neil of Motley Crue. What do you have in your bag of goodies for us, Vince?
Vince Neil: Don’t call me Vince.
JA: Ummm..okay. What should I call you then? Is Mr. Neil okay?
VN: No. Today I’ll answer to “Grand Poobah”.
JA: Like on The Flintstones – that’s pretty funny! I thought you were serious for a minute…
VN: I’m DEADLY serious you twerp – it’s my title in the UNIVERSE, not from some stupid cartoon!! Whatever, let’s get to the selling!
JA: Fine, fine. What’ve you got for us?
VN: We’re selling our umlauts.
JA: Excuse me?
VN: You know, those stupid little dots we put over the “O” and the “U” in our name. We don’t wanna use ‘em any more. Mick said they make us look a little to faggy and European.
JA: You can’t sell umlauts.
VN: Bullshit. I mean, some new band could use them on their name. Like, if some kids wanted to call themselves “Deathcock”, they could totally stick them over the “A” and the “O” or something. It would rock.
JA: But, stay with me here, couldn’t they just use the umlauts on their own.
VN: Yeah, but these would be Motley Crue umlauts.
JA: Therefore proven NOT to be “European and”... that other derogatory term you used?
VN: Exactly!
JA: I feel like I’m having the “But ours go to 11” conversation. How about you throw in some spandex or something?
VN: How's this? It’s the first mascara I ever used for a gig.
JA: Now we’re talking. Start the bidding, kids…

Juano’s Addiction: Next up is something from Axl Rose of Guns’N’Roses fame. What do you have for us, Mr. Rose? Or do you prefer some other title like Vince did?
Axl Rose: Axl is fine. Or Puffy Bunny Pants, whichever you prefer.
JA: Okaaay. What have you got for us? It looks like…are those prescription bottles?
AR: Yeah, yeah. These are all the meds the docs say I should take to keep me on track. But I stopped taking them years ago, and none the worse for wear right? Wow, your head looks like a giant cheeseburger. It’s a good thing I decided to be a vegetarian this morning. Viva la Buckethead!
JA: Riiiiight, so you know we can’t legally sell these drugs on the internet, right?
AR: Oh, that’s okay Mayor McCheese! There’s no pills in them. But I’ve autographed them all with my paw print, and I’ve marked them with my scent.
JA: Okay, I’m scared to ask…
AR: I put them in the front of my spandex shorts when I go on stage.
JA: Way more info than I needed – but oddly, I’m sure that someone will bid on them.
AR: Burger Man, can I cornrow your hair? You’d look totally cool!
JA: Sorry, I’ve got to keep this auction rolling. But I’m betting Vince would love it.
AR: Nice. Is he the one who looks like a human llama?
JA: I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes…

Juano’s Addiction: This is the final guest that we have time for, and it’s a huge honor. For those of you who know me, you’re aware that this man plays bass for the band who headlined the first concert I ever attended: KISS. Yes, it’s none other than the God of Thunder, the Demon King, the man who was outed as Chaim Witz by none other than Lois Griffin on Family Guy: Gene Simmons!
Gene Simmons: Quite the introduction. But then I AM quite remarkable aren’t I?
JA: Damn straight. What do you have for us?
GS: My first codpiece from the early days. It was horribly uncomfortable, and a little ridiculous – it looked like two beach balls shoved into a trash bag and covered in tin foil.
JA: Ha! Yeah, that must’ve looked pretty unrealistic.
GS: I know – my manhood is at least twice that size, so I figured, why try to hide it?
JA: Right…you scare me a bit.
GS: As it should be. Do you mind if I throw up a couple more items?
JA: Not at all – the more money we can raise for this fantastic cause, the less balding mullets we have to endure.
GS: Great. So I’ve got some color-by-number paintings Petey Criss used to do while we were on tour, a lock of Paul Stanley’s chest hair, and a Chia Pet that Ace grew in his very own back window. Plus, I could probably part with some KISS lunchboxes, KISS throw rugs, anatomically correct KISS blow-up dolls and some lovely KISS thongs for the ladies – these would all be in lots of 100, but I’d only need a twenty percent cut on that.
JA: Ummm…you know ALL the money is going to charity, right?
GS: I better get a little cash. Do you know how pissed Paul’s going to be when he wakes up with a big bald spot on his chest?
JA: Well, if you take Axl along with you, I bet he could cornrow that right back onto him before he misses it.
GS: You think?
JA: I can almost guarantee it.

That’s all we’ve got time for now, kids. Don’t be April Fools, get your bids in now!