Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Goodbye Monsoon Summer Playlist

If you live in the Northeast like I do, you’re probably about as sick of this summer’s striking resemblance to monsoon season as I am. Meanwhile, the meteorologists are all giddy because they get to coin new terms like “gustnado” – small, concentrated tornados that quickly sweep down your street and drop trees on your house while you’re at Home Depot! Sound a little specific? Yeah, that might’ve actually happened to me. I think the meteorologists should just go back to tracking meteors like they did in the old days. I mean what happens when a meteor filled with radioactive alien goop suddenly drops in the ocean and creates a race of giant mutant seahorses while they're off tracking silly things like weather? Hmmm?

But I digress.

The point I had been trying to make: this summer’s weather has sucked. We’re all tired of waking up to gloomy gray skies and sideways rain. Well, I’ve got your solution right here. First, watch a peppy mindless beach movie. No, not Beach Blanket Bingo - I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho Beach Party. Second, I’ve whipped up a little soundtrack to remind us of brighter days. If played loud enough (around 11 on the volume dial should do), these songs may actually scare the clouds away. Just point those speakers right out the windows – the neighbors won’t mind the noise if this works. Let’s give it a shot, shall we…

1. “Rockaway Beach” – The Ramones
2. “Steal My Sunshine” – Len
3. “Ocean Size” – Jane’s Addiction
4. “Surfin’ Cow” – Dead Milkmen
5. “Summer Nights” - Less Than Jake (Yes, it’s a Grease cover)
6. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
7. “Island In The Sun” – Weezer
8. “Goin’ Crazy (From The Heat)” – David Lee Roth
9. “Sun King” – The Cult
10. “Badfish” - Sublime

Any other suggestions? You know where the comments section is, kids…

Monday, July 20, 2009

Juano's Back - And Zombie Free For The Last 7 Days

I know, I know - no posts for a while. I got called away once again to thin the zombie hordes - this time in a small village in Africa where there was no internet access. Well, unless you count M'Tabe's Java Hut - but they only have one computer and the owner has a fetish for cannibal pygmy porn. You don't even want to know what the screen saver is.

It was a weird outbreak - zombie hippopotamus... hippopotami... hippopotamoose(?)! Ah, hippopotamuses (Thank you dictionary.com). M'Tabe actually got off of PersianPygmy.com long enough to track me down and send me an e-mail for my help. Lord knows I can't turn down anyone being overrun by the undead...whatever form they may take.

It was a long and messy battle, but I'm home now. So many things to catch up on, kids. And to answer Juanofan187's question, no, Michael Jackson is NOT part of the undead horde - but that was a very legitimate concern.

I try to keep a watchful eye on all the dead (and undead) celebs so you don't have to, keeping all your towns brain-biter free. I've missed you guys...