Craptastic Horror Flicks - Unworthy Of A Remake?

My good friend Virtual Stranger’s piece made me start thinking about the rampant remakes – and there are certainly more to come. So, given the ridiculous amounts of junk that the ‘80s spewed out, what might never rate the upgrade? For that matter, did they rate the transfer from Beta? Sure, some of them are guilty pleasures that still bring a grin to my face. Did some of them even earn a sequel? Of course, but it was the ‘80s so that’s not exactly a badge of honor – I mean, how many sequels did Chucky get? See where I’m going with this?

Let’s take a look at some crap, shall we?

1. Demons (1985) – Those wacky Italians and their gore fests! Dario Argento, maestro of mayhem, delivered buckets of guts in this outing. And oh, what a lovely mid-‘80s soundtrack – Motley Crue, Accept, Scorpions – those spandex clad butt cheeks alone send shivers down the spine. Oh yeah, and there was some kind of plot, too – centered around a theatre opening in West Berlin, where moviegoers are treated to a horror scene on and off the screen. You see, when a woman in the lobby tries on a “prop” mask, a needle hidden inside gives her a demonic hickey. When that bad dog begins to fester, she turns all toothy and starts a-killin’. Of course, anyone she bites gets a slight case of demonitis, too – cue nonstop slaughter, roll credits. Hey, at least the outbreak didn’t start from a demonic toilet seat…

2. 976-Evil (1988) – Ring-ring… “Yeah, this is Hoax.”
“Hey, buddy, it’s Satan. Listen, I know your nerdy existence is frustrating and lonely. How about you let me possess you and take you on a little killing spree? I PROMISE to get you laid”
“Um…okay.”
That’s the long and short of it. A satanic phone number. Suddenly, that evil toilet seat doesn’t seem quite as preposterous, does it? (Of note: this was directed by Robert Englund.)

3. The Video Dead (1987) - Is there an entire subgenre of horror focused on spooky things creeping out of your TV? If so, this flick would end up sandwiched somewhere between Carol Anne’s TV experience (wait, isn’t that a prog-metal band?) in Poltergeist and The Ring's sopping wet killer brat. Oh, this time it’s zombies from the cable dimension, in case you were curious. (For more things clawing their way out of your flatscreen, check Demons 2.)

4. Dead Pit (1989) – Given Dr. Ramzi’s bedside manner, you could make a case that Mengele was just a bit misunderstood. One would assume that Ramzi’s reign of terror would have ended when he was killed and buried in the basement of a mental hospital. But twenty years later, the magical pairing of an earthquake and a girl with psychic mojo end up unleashing the now undead doc on the world. Oh, and his former “patients” join him for some revenant festivities. Luckily, they brainstorm and decide to start up a zombie day spa with rejuvenating seaweed wraps…Okay, no, they really just kill a bunch of people – but it would’ve been an interesting alternative.

5. Madman (1982) – It’s a horror story told around the campfire – after Madman Marz killed his whole family with an axe, he was captured and hung in the woods. But, as fellas with the nickname “Madman” often do, he escaped to kill again! Now, when his name is uttered above a whisper, Marz is likely to do his best barber impression and take a little off the top – scalp and all. Cue the dumb kid yelling his name, followed by scenes of camp counselors having crazy hot tub sex right before getting massacred. Was this a Friday the 13th rip-off? Sure. But this was a REDNECK supernatural backwoods killer. It’s the subtle differences…

6. Basket Case (1982) – It’s true what they say about two heads being better than one – especially for some bloody carnage. If that second head belongs to your nearly inhuman formerly conjoined twin…bonus! The boys hold a slightly murderous grudge against the docs that separated them and…well, I’m guessing you can figure out the rest, right? You almost feel for poor Duane (the human half of the duo) as he discovers love…at the same time his monstrous counterpart slithers away to kill again. Worst…double date…EVER…

7. Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988) – Ahhh…the title says it all, doesn’t it? The time was the ‘80s, where the women clearly shed their clothes to do everything – it’s a historical fact. “Eeeek! There’s a noise in the basement – let me just strip down to a thong and investigate!” “What, there are zombies outside? I’d better do some nude aerobics to warm up before running away!” Linnea Quigley, scream queen extraordinaire, was the feature bimbette in this cheese fest – which featured a wish-granting imp that had been imprisoned in (I kid you not) a bowling trophy. Somehow, the wishes all have disastrous consequences – and not just to trap you in bowling shoes for eternity, but that’s a start…

8. The Gate (1987) – You know that sneaking suspicion you had as a kid that if you had a hole big enough, it would unleash Hell on earth? What’s that? Your parents told you the hole would just end up taking you to China? Well that’s just silly. This movie shows us what would really happen – when the hole in Glen’s backyard starts churning green smoke and smelling like Dante’s BBQ Pit, demonic misbehaving can’t be far behind. Granted, the addition of Glen’s blood and some light incantations and ouija board summoning don’t help matters - yeesh, it’s like they’ve never seen a horror movie before. In the end, the lyrics of an obscure heavy metal band explain how to get their supernatural pests under control. And here I thought metal was supposed to CAUSE the problems – maybe I should go dig out my old Ronnie James Dio on vinyl just in case. Yeah, that’s probably not the best plan either...

9. Slumber Party Massacre (1982) – Sexy pillow fight, anyone? Wait, let’s check with the slasher of the week… Yeah, he’s okay with it - he’s also open to Jell-O wrestling. Oh, but he’s going to have to kill you all horribly with a power tool after the strip charades. It IS a massacre, after all. The funny thing about this raunchy romp is that it was penned by a feminist activist (Rita Mae Brown) as a parody of the slasher genre – but the producers decided it should be a more “serious” affair, thus the cheese-fest that it became. The first sequel (yes, there have actually been THREE) used INTENTIONAL humor much better than the freshman outing.

10. Night of the Creeps (1986) – What, you think you can find a better movie about alien brain parasites that turn their hosts into zombies? Yeah, I’m looking at you Slither! The humorous parallels between the mindless zombies and the frat boys they infect are lost on no one, and this is ‘80s schlock at its finest. (This one was just re-released on DVD this week, so go grab it!)

Bonus ‘90s Crap
11. Dead Alive (1992) – Nobody EVER believes the story of the cursed Sumatran rat monkey ‘til it’s too late. Suddenly, Mum’s a zombie who’s infecting the populace and you end up having to chop up the neighbors with a lawnmower. Dang, Peter Jackson (who directed) got lucky when he started courting Hobbits and giant monkeys – do you think he put this one on his resume? (Yes, I know I’m going to get crap for putting this cult fave on the list, but c’mon…)

If there’s anything you think might be conspicuously absent from this list, chances are it’s being remade. Yes, even Silent Night, Deadly Night – because who doesn’t want to see a Santa wannabe killing the neighborhood. ‘Til next time, have a gory good time – and Happy Halloween!