Top 10 (Worst) Vacation Spots

Who needs the Triple A vacation guide? I've got some suggestions that are simply TO DIE FOR!

1. Downtown Tokyo – You may think it’s just good ironic fun going to Tokyo sporting a giant camera around your neck and wearing a Gilligan hat – but it’s anybody’s guess whether you’ll actually make it out alive. Let’s just say if you feel the ground start shaking and someone’s screaming “Gojira!”, you might want to keep moving – and AWAY from the tanks, people. Really, the only people who have any business downtown are giant shoe salesmen – and even they might want to keep away from trying to unload those snakeskin shoes (Godzooky’s been missing for month’s, and his Uncle isn’t in a playful mood…)

2. Crystal Lake – Wanted: happy campers to occupy Camp Crystal Lake (Friday The 13th) next summer, after extensive renovations. Strong swimmers, telekinetics and teenagers with no libidos are needed for camp counselors. Seriously – no sex allowed, or there will be consequences. The mother of one of the former campers has extreme prejudice on that matter. Activities include: scenic runs in the woods, target practice, wilderness survival and interpretive jazz lessons. NO HOCKEY ALLOWED.

3. Castle Rock, Maine - Once you get past the huge rabid dogs (Cujo), the collectibles shop that trades in souls (Needful Things), and the occasional vacationing novelist with extreme bipolar issues (The Dark Half), Stephen King's favorite mythical city still has lots to offer anyone with a death wish. And it's less than an hour's drive from either beautiful downtown Derry or the rustic charm of Jerusalem's Lot.

4. Sunnydale, CA – Where does the nightlife never end? Most people will answer with “NYC”, but this little Southern Cali town (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) may just surprise you. The Bronze is the local hot spot, and the internationally popular band Dingoes Ate My Baby (they’re HUGE in Japan) got their start playing there. Granted, the explosion of the High School a few years back scared some folks, but now people are flocking to town! And the boom in nighttime dentistry has been nothing short of amazing. The specialty of incisor sharpening seems odd, but the kids do like their messy hickeys. And be sure to check out The Magic Box for the biggest assortment of New Age remedies you’ve ever seen. (Reports of attacks by giant dogs, reptile men and blue-skinned “demons” are absurd, so just ignore them and follow the Zagat guide’s recommendations for fine cuisine…)

5. Springwood, Ohio – And talk about a city that never sleeps (Nightmare on Elm Street) - there used to be a huge run on No-Doz but now that Red Bull is in fashion, everyone’s got wings! Mr. Frederick Krueger is the local sensation – he seems to have gotten under the skin of more than one of the kids around town. The parents don’t like that idea, but I’m pretty sure they were quick to judge Elvis’ pelvis and we know how that turned out! Just watch out, kids – he’ll rip your heart out if you get too attached. They say there’s plenty of Freddy to go around, but somebody’s bound to get hurt…

6. Raccoon City - Ignoring the fact that most of the people living here have already sold their souls to the Umbrella Corporation, a corporate overlord that makes you long for morally-responsible companies like Exxon, Haliburton, or Chase, there's also the matter of the walking dead (Resident Evil). Yes, just breathing the air in Raccoon City puts the odds on you coming back as a zombie. If you actually get bitten, you'll be lucky if you come back as a zombie and not something only vaguely recognizable as a former human being. On the plus side, at least one hot European woman is known to spend most of her time there... killing anything that moves.

7. Haddonfield, Illinois – Ah, the Fall in Haddonfield (Halloween)… There’s cider donuts, entire streets lined with Jack O’Lanterns and the apple picking – don’t get me started! For the rag-tag parade though, you’ll never beat the Myers family – most of them like the “bloody corpse” theme a little too much, but you should see how cute Michael looked as a clown one year. And did you know that Druids might have actually colonized this area at the turn of the century? Of course, most folks will gloss over that in the tour brochures…

8. Rural Texas – Some people come from miles around to view the old mansions, but they’re all in decay. The real attraction is the local roadside BBQ (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) – the most tender meat you’ll ever taste. What’s the secret? Little Tommy Hewitt only accepts the best cuts, but he’ll never tell what’s in the sauce! It’s a family recipe handed down from Grampa. Trust me, you’ll be screaming about it…

9. Perfection, Nevada – You’ve played the video games, you’ve read the comics and you’ve seen the pictures – but have you seen a Graboid (Tremors) in person? I thought not. These giant underground worms can be a hell of an adversary, but Safari Jack Sawyer knows how to keep you safe! For a small fee, Jack will show you the Graboids in their natural habitat and ensure you don’t get eaten alive. As a parting gift, you can even buy a stuffed Shrieker (Graboid morphs/offspring) for the kids – how cute!

10. Fairvale, CA - If you’re going to visit, there’s no better place to stay than the Bates Motel (Psycho). It’s a quaint little strip motel that harkens back to easier times – an era of black-and-white movies at the drive-in, close-knit nuclear families and malted milk shakes at the soda shoppe. What are the perks? Well, the proprietor will cook you dinner, the ice machine is always full and the water pressure is excellent – plus, there are free taxidermy classes. (Ignore the one-star rating from Marion_1960 on the web site – the peephole has been plugged up and the shower curtains have all been replaced, so don’t let that deter you!)

Remember - the economy doesn't have to slow down your travel itinerary! For no cost at all, I'm pretty sure most of these places would love to have you for dinner...