Stupid Sequel Ideas: Cabin Fever 2 – Spring Fever

Okay, I understood the basic idea for the original Cabin Fever. You see, Eli Roth (the writer/director/producer of the first outing) supposedly had a case of that scary ol’ necrotizing fasciitis (flesh-eating disease) himself, but he obviously recovered. That experience translated to a horror movie which exaggerated his experience to the Nth degree, added in some gratuitous nudity and became a surprising cult classic. Why so surprising? Well, the lack of anything resembling a plot stringing together the scenes of boob shots, partying and gore generally doesn’t bother me – I’m a horror fan, after all.

But letting your girlfriend rot in the shed because you’re scared of catching her flesh-eating cooties only to later beat her to death with a shovel? Yes, this was supposed to be loosely based on that “what if” paranoia about what you’d do if faced with such a crisis. I can see the panicking – but did Eli Roth really think a spade to the head was the best reaction you could expect? I mean, he already got the shot where her face was half eaten away, did he need the additional bludgeoning?

Whatever – let’s move on to my second problem, the inbred hicks. We’ll start with the long-haired slow kid who sat outside the general store – was his battle cry of “Pancakes!” a crazy homage to The Tick and his nonsensical “Spoon!” exclamation? Or did it just MAKE NO SENSE?! And the fact that the kid seemed to have some wicked Tard Fu moves, complete with spinning kicks, made it a bigger head-scratcher. I’m guessing this was supposed to be an injection of the comic relief, but dang. And the rest of the hicks? After the Kung Fu Pancake Kid got infected (he likes to bite - how cute), they decided to go after the evil city folk. Clem turns to Jed and says: “Bring out The Kit!” And out comes a small wooden box, which they carry with them for the rest of their short lives. It added an element of mystery - finally, something to tie the story together. Was there a weapon inside? Or maybe they had the antidote to this thing the whole time? Marsellus Wallace’s soul? Well guess what – all the rednecks die, and still no glimpse inside! Movie…so…bad…

Oh, and did I mention that you never find out what started the outbreak? But thankfully, the parting shot of a delivery truck carrying locally bottled (and deliciously infected) spring water out of town ensured a sequel - which brings us to the next travesty. The plot of this new stinker: a high school prom faces a problem worse than the Electric Slide when the aforementioned bottled water is the big drink of the evening. Yeah, kids love drinking water on prom night – no holes in the story there…

As bad as I found the first Fever, at least Eli Roth had a vision – and more people liked this movie than I found possible. And even if you hated the flick, you recognized that Roth had a future in the industry (like with his other gooey cult fave, Hostel), so you could respect him. The fact that he has no part in this sequel should raise a few red flags. Spring Break will be a huge steaming pile at best – and I bet I still never find out what was in The Kit. But somehow, I’ll find the will to go on…

(This was scheduled for a 2008 release, but with no firm date as yet I'd bet on 2009. And with any karmic justice, a direct-to-DVD status.)