1001 Reasons To Strangle The Talking Chin

I hate you Jay Leno.

Yes, it’s completely irrational. I mean, granted, I’ve never thought you were all that funny. In fact, you have actually annoyed me at your inability to make me laugh coupled with the fact that your chin looks like it was grown in a lab using steroids and ape DNA. But none of that has ever actually affected me until now.

So, what is it that you’ve done? Well, your shift to prime time TV next fall is a move into my friends’ neighborhood. Suddenly there are 5 less spots for my buddies to live, since you took up so much space. Chuck’s job at the Buy More barely covers rent, and do you think Morgan’s got any money to lend him? Or the DuBois family – Alison’s psychic abilities sure didn’t detect this kind of betrayal. Thanks a lot, pal – you couldn’t have just found a nice retirement home for late night hosts?!

Okay, realistically, I know it’s not Jay Leno’s fault. But he’s a good face to attach my anger to. After all, I don’t even know what Jeff Zucker (chief executive of NBC Universal) looks like, so I can’t even shake a fist in his general direction. What has Mr. Zucker done, you ask? Well, he’s the one who wooed Leno into the 10 p.m. time slot in a bid to both retain his audience and keep Jay himself from jumping boat to a competing network. It makes financial sense – a “Tonight Show v. 2.0” is a guarantee to hard-to-please advertisers, and it’s much cheaper to produce than a scripted drama. But when late night shows start bleeding into prime time, it begs the question – how many do we really need?

The even bigger quandary: what happens to the current scripted landscape? E.R. is taking its final bow this year, so at least that’s one less headache. And despite denials from Knight Rider’s show runners, I think we can safely start planning the funeral for that clunker as well. Plus, sadly, Life never got the push that it deserved, leaving Charlie Crews and Co. on the seriously endangered list as well. But the most surprising exit possibility would come from one of the “Must See TV” comedies. My Name Is Earl hits local syndication next year, and unless it gets cheaper to produce/license, it could be left on the chopping block with the atrocious Kath & Kim.

And NBC has already attempted some cost-cutting measures this season by sharing production costs of Friday Night Lights with DirecTV (and letting them air the episodes first), which staved off cancellation for one year. But unless DirecTV agrees to pick up even more of the tab next season, FNL might be a goner as well. Similarly, we’ve seen some of the 500 or so Law & Order titles migrating to the USA network (which, along with the SciFi Channel, is also owned by NBC Universal) to chop the budget, so another L & O move wouldn’t be shocking.

Which leaves shows like Chuck and Medium scrambling for any remaining slots. Mr. Zucker, if you’re reading this I’ll give you a hint: pick up Chuck. Vastly entertaining, wonderful cast, a blend of action and comedy that just WORKS. You gave it a chance picking it up for a full order before this season started – now just stick with that gut feeling. Promo the hell out of it, and let other people fall in love with this underrated gem. Start selling merchandise - hell, I'd chip in for a Chuck lunchbox, a Nerd Herd VW Matchbox car or some Intersect Underoos! I do love Medium, but I’m hoping that CBS (who produces the show) would pick it up on their own network (which they’ve threatened to do every year). I’d love to see both back, but that may mean I’d have to strangle the talking chin to free up some air time.

Damn you, Jay Leno!

If it would save Life too, I’d choke the monologue out of him right now. I bet I could get Conan O'Brien on-board for this plan...