Okay Buffy fans, I know you think you've got all the answers - so try this quiz on for size. We stumbled across it this weekend (it's on the Parade.com web site), and I came out looking like a chump. But really, who knew that Oz's favorite dog food was Chuck Wagon?
A Merry Christmas to all! Who's excited about dinner with the in-laws? With any luck, Aunt Madge will be too sauced on cooking sherry to ask if you're trying to break your mother's heart by not having kids or if you're just infertile - that was enough fun last year, right? Plus, cousin Timmy usually does something emergency room worthy, so that should take some pressure off... yup, he's trying to smooch Fluffy (the homicidal kitty) under the mistletoe, so the ambulance should be here within the hour.
Have you ever gone to a show and felt like you were cheating on the headliner because you secretly liked the opener a little better? It happens, there’s nothing to be ashamed of - I’m guilty of it myself. A few years back at Harry’s/The Elevens (Northampton, MA) I went to a Fancy Trash show, and these Treefort guys were opening. It was self-deprecating rock, alt-country twang and some of the finest humor you could hope for. The next thing you knew, I was up and dancing (okay, bobbing my head, let’s not get too carried away here – everyone knows I’ve got no rhythm) and singing along with their call-and-response classic “Your Best Friend”. I bought the Girls Allowed CD after their set, and that was it – I was hooked.
So, Girls Allowed is their first disc – isn’t that the one with the gross can of baked beans on the cover? My girlfriend retches whenever she sees it in Turn It Up!, but should I give it a listen? Darn tootin’ you should. I’ll admit that, to some, Hansbury’s raw vocal style can be an acquired taste. But my best friend summed it up best when talking about another unusual crooner, this Bob Dylan fella: “You either get it or you don’t. I get it.” And once you open up to it, the album becomes a veritable playground of well-crafted songwriting (like “House”, increasing tempo with each verse, starting slow and bulding to a fevered pitch by the finale), self-deprecating wit (“Wimbledon” spells out how “My name will never be engraved upon the Stanley Cup/I’ll never figure out the pick and roll” but “I do come to play”) and absurdist humor (“Idi Amin Dada” tells the story of the Ugandan dictator from the viewpoint of his children: “Idi Amin was our Dada/Somebody gunned him down” and shares his cannibalistic diet tips: “Legs and arms and vegetables/Our meals all came complete”). Their mix of humor, emotion and deft musicianship spotlights the truly rare thing with this disc - that they’ve found the balance that most bands could only dream of. You see, most groups either thrive onstage OR on disc. It’s unusual to see a band as spirited as Treefort is live be able to carry that energy into the studio - but damn if they don’t pull it off. No overpolished, overly produced tripe - just a portrait of a band having fun.
Okay, okay - I’ll give it a go. Do they have any other discs I could check out? A second album called Talking To The Dogs is in the can, and everything I’ve heard from it so far has been equally entertaining. Early artwork from the disc features original paintings by Hansbury, and the cover art can actually be seen hanging in the background of the picture on the back of Girls Allowed. For more on the fate of the CD, I asked Paul Hansbury and Joe O’Rourke for some input:
So, do you remember my tirade about Guns'n'Roses' decade-in-the-making album Chinese Democracy? Well, what I didn't mention was that way back in March, a Dr Pepper spokesperson bet that Axl wouldn't put the disc out this year. The wager: a can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Democracy was released by the end of the calendar year. And seeing as the CD is out tomorrow (November 23rd) , either this was the best free advertising campaign that Dr Pepper has ever had, or someone who shot his mouth off is getting his ass fired.
Does anyone remember the true meaning of punk rock? Really, it was just a bunch of disillusioned working class kids on both sides of the pond trying to reinvent music. Mainstream rock had gotten so polished that a kid couldn’t just pick up a guitar and play along anymore. So these punk kids just said “Fuck it!” and rebuilt music from the ground up, no training necessary. Pick up a guitar and throttle it by the neck – whatever noise came out would be just fine, thank you. Thus began an era of shredded clothes, safety pins and hastily scrawled flyers – all done on the cheap, since nobody had a whole lot of cash.
memorabilia in lots that BEGIN at around $300 and top out at $7,000, it was enough to make me scratch my head and go “Huh?!” I mean, don’t get me wrong – some of these items are definitely worth the money. From the flyer for the quadruple bill of The Clash, The Buzzcocks, Subway Sect and the Slits in ’77 to a complete press kit for the ’77-’78 U.S. Tour of The Sex Pistols (complete with signed publicity photos) to rare promotional t-shirts (like The Ramones’ Rocket To Russia promo shirt), there is plenty of value to any collector.
afford them. “So who the hell actually should have them, Mr. Self-righteous?!” I’m glad you asked. The fans who felt Joey Ramone’s greasy locks brush their face, the people who got Sid Vicious’ blood and sweat on them in the front row, the groupie who helped Iggy Pop pierce his scrote – all lay equal claim to these items under punk’s anarchical code. Sure, a lot of the punk kids grew up to be corporate tools and could afford this boatload of goodies – but I’d bet that more of them are thrift store bargain-bin shoppers.
1. Flinch (DC/Vertigo) – One of the best horror anthology series I have ever read. It only lasted sixteen issues, but it became a classic in my mind. Unfortunately, FINDING this one is the problem – there were no trade paperbacks published, as far as I can tell…
7. Hellblazer (DC/Vertigo) – John Constantine is one of the best comic characters to ever grace a pulpy page – he’s the Johnny Rotten of the occult world. The book has been up and down, storywise, over the years (depending on the writer). But at its best, it was beyond brilliant. The Garth Ennis years were by far the best – I’d suggest the “Dangerous Habits” trade paperback for those of you looking for a starting point.
11. Terror, Inc. (Marvel) – The hitman with the heart of Gold – hope Gold wasn’t using it. You see, Terror looked like a zombie with catfish whiskers, and he could replace any missing “parts” with assorted limbs from his victims. But he never replaced the “I Love Ringo” tattoo – I won’t tell you where he kept that.
14. Marvel Zombies (Marvel) – First appearing in issues of Ultimate Fantastic Four written by Mark Millar, we were introduced to a parallel Earth where all the Marvel heroes had been turned into zombies. Eventually, zombie maestro Robert Kirkman wrote the first two mini-series focusing on this dark (and oddly amusing) universe. Magneto saves people, Avengers eat people and people…should probably just run.
17. Perhapanauts (Dark Horse then Image) – What would happen if you put Bigfoot and a chupacabra through an Evolvo-Ray? Big would get genius-level smart, and Choopie would get…let’s just say he can talk. Put them together with a psychic, a cute-as-a-button ghost and a brooding character in sunglasses with an oh-so-secret past and you have the team lineup for the Perhapanauts. They save the world from inter-dimensional interlopers – and try to keep Choopie out of trouble.
21. Hack/Slash (Devil’s Due Publishing) – So, you like your horror stories with a little bit of cheesecake shake – who doesn’t? Cassie Hack is a tough little goth cutie who hunts down the things of your nightmares while striking seductive poses. Sounds silly doesn’t it? But the book is loads of fun, and the monster action is nonstop.
24. The Demon (DC) – Always a popular villain in the DCU, Jack Kirby created this bastard of rhyme. Bound to the human Jason Blood, the demon Etrigan was originally summoned by Merlin to defend Camelot. He eventually warranted his own series, which ended with a fantastic run by Garth Ennis and John McCrea. Some people couldn’t get past the rhyming dialogue – but I’d pretty much read a rewrite of the phone book if it was done by Ennis, so I’m biased. And let’s not forget that Ennis and McCrea created the loveable/despicable character of Tommy Monaghan in these pages, the title character from the hysterical Hitman series.
FINALLY, someone’s prepping our nation’s youth for the inevitable zombie invasion! You laugh, but it’s coming! And college campuses across the U.S. are in agreement, obviously - Humans vs. Zombies, a live-action role playing game has become a huge hit. What is it, you ask? Essentially, it’s just a big game of “Tag” played with Nerf guns. But this one is for the future of the human race.
To win the game: Either the zombie team wins by turning all the humans, or the humans win by waiting out the zombies (they can “starve” if they don’t feed every 48 hours). All in all, it sounds like a lot of fun – too bad you can’t play it at work. Oh wait, most of the office folks have already been turned? That explains a lot…
1. Shaun of the Dead – It’s rare to find a movie that could just as easily be a classic comedy as it might qualify as a horror flick. But Simon Pegg’s UK import does just that. It has some of the funniest onscreen moments in years (the bit when they’re trying to kill the zombies with old LPs was brilliant), and yet they don’t spare the blood and gore when it’s necessary. By far the best of this sub-genre.
5. Grindhouse: Planet Terror – Robert Rodriguez’s half of this double-bill of horror kitsch has just the right mix of dripping goo and over-the-top action. And Rose McGowen with a machine gun leg. I kid you not.
9. Zombie Strippers – The two-word title may very well be enough reason to check this out. Add in two icons from both ends of the B movie spectrum, Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, and you may NEED to see this one. Unless you don’t like naked ladies and good old-fashioned gore all in one package. But you’re reading a list of Zombie Comedies, so we’ll assume you’re onboard.
And lo, God did look upon Axl’s cornrows, and he saw the folly of man. He sent a plague of frogs upon Axl, and still did Chinese Democracy proceed. And Lucifer sent a demon adorned with a KFC bucket to infiltrate Axl’s band, but he was cast out - and still the album continued. What power has the man named Rose, to rise up against the powers of Gods and Devils alike? Is this the beginning of the End?
Piss off a God
Stop and Smell the Roses
Beware the Bad Wolf
2. Mr. Sandman (The Chordettes) – It’s almost like they knew there would eventually be a dream stalker like Freddy out there. Where would the Nightmare On Elm Street franchise be without this song?
6. Jaws Theme (John Williams) – If you ever want to check how much this song has pervaded our memories, try going to the beach and playing this song at a loud volume. You may get kicked in the groin, but the sociological test is still valid.
9. After Dark (Tito & Tarantula) – Tito & company actually play the house band in From Dusk Till Dawn. Whether or not you remember THEM, I bet you have a clear image of Salma Hayek doing the gyrating snake dance while she pours tequila down her leg. Yes, she turns out to be a killer vampire – but what a way to go!
O.k. the first time I heard this poem as a child it messed with my head. Sheep can talk? What sort of a sheep cuts its own hair and sells it? Why does the boy need a bag of hair? So twenty something years later I see the preview for the Jonathan King film Black Sheep. Within seconds I knew that I had to see this one. Perhaps twice.
Cut to a shot where the younger brother (who, for some odd reason, has developed sheep-phobia) is stuck in a sea of sheep-traffic. This scene has very Hitchcockian overtones – just substitute a herd of sheep for birds. Common fears, like animals, small spaces and heights, are all something the audience can relate to – so the writer uses this chance to poke at the rampant reliance on psychotherapy to overcome daily obstacles.
From this point on, every scene features a skinned sheep, shredded human corpse or someone being eaten by zombie sheep monsters. It’s the beginning of the end of the world… or at least rural New Zealand. How will our heroes survive?!
Well, hippy chick uses a giant guilt trip to overcome her former vegetarian boyfriend. Grunt just has to be unhappy with his new carnivorous lifestyle choice, after all. I love the running meat jokes in this movie. Sheep are eating people, sheep-people are eating people and people are making people feel guilty for eating … people.
But the swirling New Zealand style insanity spiral won’t end there. The film saved all its money for the final eating frenzy at big brother's press conference. As he gives his “I’m the bad guy, here’s my evil plan” speech, he begins to bray and transforms into a mutant sheep zombie in front of potential investors. That’s gonna hurt the stock price – but not as much as when a newly revealed mutant lady-sheep calls upon the entire mutant horde to descend and consume the crowd. Suddenly there is sea of torn-off limbs, accompanied by various disembowelments in a fashion only surpassed by the final scenes of Braveheart.
One might think that the mutant human eating sheep-hybrid feeding frenzy is the apex of the movie. But grosser yet is the final confrontation of the brothers, when Angus reveals that the new breed of sheep was made with his own DNA. Yep, he’s a sheep fucker. But it doesn’t stop there. Big bro rapidly makes the transformation from man to full-blown monster and confronts Henry – and did I mention the big silly plane that’s rolling around with no pilot? And do you remember the henchman who got shredded by a propeller in the first Indiana Jones movie? Yeah, that’s the end Angus had in store for him. Until, in traditional B movie fashion, he rises from the dead to try to command the remaining sheep. Luckily, they bite off his junk instead of listening. I just wish I had been prepared – I nearly threw up. I guess people getting your twig and berries nibbled off by sheep must not be as shocking in rural New Zealand as it is in Southern New Jersey.
To finish the film with another page out of the B movie handbook: the quick resolution of remaining problems. Little bro, his new environmentalist lady friend and his best childhood friend (who has miraculously recovered from being a mutant sheep monster) blow up the remaining herd by lighting the mutant sheep farts with a Zippo (I told you that would make sense in the end). They convert the rest of the countryside back to “normality” using amniotic fluid from mutant sheep. Yup, that almost made me projectile vomit for a second time - good work, Black sheep!
I really enjoyed this flick because of the pure oddity. It froze me in place with disgust-fueled interest and then made me watch sheep eat people. It was a wonderful departure from the typical Americana horror film: 2 students + 1 psychopath + 1 bloody cleaver = scary. Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to fall asleep - and counting sheep certainly isn’t going to work anymore...
(Doctor Dan is an evil scientist from Jersey. And yes, he sometimes shares office space with Dr. Weird, but he doesn't share in his plans to destroy the ATHF. So what IS his master scheme? I can't divulge all of it, but it starts with a genetically-modified corn chip that's 100-feet tall that will terrorize downtown Hoboken. The rest is too frighteneing to even type, but rest assured, the world will bow to him. Mwah-hah-ha-ha!)
2. Crystal Lake – Wanted: happy campers to occupy Camp Crystal Lake (Friday The 13th) next summer, after extensive renovations. Strong swimmers, telekinetics and teenagers with no libidos are needed for camp counselors. Seriously – no sex allowed, or there will be consequences. The mother of one of the former campers has extreme prejudice on that matter. Activities include: scenic runs in the woods, target practice, wilderness survival and interpretive jazz lessons. NO HOCKEY ALLOWED.
4. Sunnydale, CA – Where does the nightlife never end? Most people will answer with “NYC”, but this little Southern Cali town (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) may just surprise you. The Bronze is the local hot spot, and the internationally popular band Dingoes Ate My Baby (they’re HUGE in Japan) got their start playing there. Granted, the explosion of the High School a few years back scared some folks, but now people are flocking to town! And the boom in nighttime dentistry has been nothing short of amazing. The specialty of incisor sharpening seems odd, but the kids do like their messy hickeys. And be sure to check out The Magic Box for the biggest assortment of New Age remedies you’ve ever seen. (Reports of attacks by giant dogs, reptile men and blue-skinned “demons” are absurd, so just ignore them and follow the Zagat guide’s recommendations for fine cuisine…)
7. Haddonfield, Illinois – Ah, the Fall in Haddonfield (Halloween)… There’s cider donuts, entire streets lined with Jack O’Lanterns and the apple picking – don’t get me started! For the rag-tag parade though, you’ll never beat the Myers family – most of them like the “bloody corpse” theme a little too much, but you should see how cute Michael looked as a clown one year. And did you know that Druids might have actually colonized this area at the turn of the century? Of course, most folks will gloss over that in the tour brochures…
9. Perfection, Nevada – You’ve played the video games, you’ve read the comics and you’ve seen the pictures – but have you seen a Graboid (Tremors) in person? I thought not. These giant underground worms can be a hell of an adversary, but Safari Jack Sawyer knows how to keep you safe! For a small fee, Jack will show you the Graboids in their natural habitat and ensure you don’t get eaten alive. As a parting gift, you can even buy a stuffed Shrieker (Graboid morphs/offspring) for the kids – how cute!
10. Fairvale, CA - If you’re going to visit, there’s no better place to stay than the Bates Motel (Psycho). It’s a quaint little strip motel that harkens back to easier times – an era of black-and-white movies at the drive-in, close-knit nuclear families and malted milk shakes at the soda shoppe. What are the perks? Well, the proprietor will cook you dinner, the ice machine is always full and the water pressure is excellent – plus, there are free taxidermy classes. (Ignore the one-star rating from Marion_1960 on the web site – the peephole has been plugged up and the shower curtains have all been replaced, so don’t let that deter you!)
(By the way, if you haven’t seen it, last year the BBC put out a fantastic miniseries called Jekyll starring James Nesbitt that will really make you think about your dark side. Plus it’s got a pre-Bionic Woman Michelle Ryan as the good doctor’s faithful and fashion-conscious assistant)