My What Big Teeth You Have, Jennifer...

If you’ve seen the trailers for Jennifer's Body, you know the basic plotline: Jennifer (Megan Fox) is the uber-hot high school tease, who eventually starts eating her male classmates. The aptly named Needy (geekily cute Amanda Seyfried) has been her BFF since childhood, always covering for Jennifer's misdeeds while harboring a pretty serious bicurious crush – thus, the tease of a possible lesbian kiss in the commercials. Things obviously go a little wonky for the duo when Needy catches on to the whole demonic murder angle - it IS tough to look the other way when your best bud is dripping with blood and viscera, after all.

What most people are trying to figure out: Is this a horror movie with a dash of teen comedy, or vice versa? I’m happy to report that there’s a generous dose of both, thanks to the able writing of Diablo Cody (in her first screen effort since Juno). You’re certainly not going to get any John Hughes-esque life lessons out of this teen romp, but Cody’s humorous, pop culture laden dialogue makes for an entertaining outing.

As to the accusations that the movie is trying to sell itself on sex appeal alone, I’ve brought in an expert on the subject. His name is Hank DeSchlong, and he used to cast some of the sex bombs from the big horror franchises of the ‘70s and ‘80s.

Juano’s Addiction: Hank, thanks for talking to us.
Hank DeSchlong: Hey, no problem, buddy.
JA: You've clearly seen a lot of the big horror flicks from the past few decades. So, in comparison, what was your take on the sexual themes of this movie? Are they going too far?
HD: Not far enough, if you ask me.
JA: Really? A lot of folks are saying that the only audiences they were trying to reach were teenage boys and horny old men.
HD: And you've just described a horror flick's best customers. But seriously, what did we get out of this flick? A little sideboob here and there, the outline of an ass – everybody stayed pretty well covered up.
JA: But what about the Jennifer/Needy kissing scene?
HD: What-EVER! I guess if that’s what kids get hot and bothered about now, great. Back in the day, they both would’ve stripped to some cool metal tune within the first five minutes.
JA: Yeah, but things have changed. Now, parents are more worried about their kids seeing nudity than they are about them witnessing full eviscerations.
HD: That’s what I’m saying! If this was still the eighties, we wouldn’t have had to worry about that crap. Boobs AND blood and guts, that’s what you were paying for, so that’s what you got. And this whole ‘But, what’s my motivation?’ attitude these actresses pull is what’s killed the horror industry. In any one of the Friday The 13th movies, we could’ve told them girls that it was vital to the plot that they just strip down naked, lube up with Wesson oil and jump on a trampoline. Done! No freakin’ questions, no diva attitude… God, I miss them days.
JA: Wow, could you twist your moustache when you say things like that? It all seems a bit demoralizing - I’d like to think that things have progressed a bit since then.
HD: God, you sound like a pussy, you know that?! I thought you wanted my unique point of view or whatever.
JA: Okay, okay... How about the music aspect – you mentioned the metal connection from the eighties pics. How do the current soundtracks to these genre movies stand up?
HD: The bands are bigger pussies than you are! I mean, look at the band from the movie, Low Shoulder – they’re all a bunch of eyeline wearin’ indie queers. I’m supposed to believe they’d have the sac to sacrifice that girl Jennifer to Satan to further their careers? I’m surprised that they weren’t the ones kissing each other in the trailer.
JA: Yeah, that’s a lovely sentiment. Those guys on your t-shirt - Motley Crue - didn't they wear a bunch of makeup, too?
HD: That's different. They're artists!
JA: Artists who wear blush and spandex - but I guess the cross-dressing look was in back then.
HD: You take that back! Never defile the name of the Crue!

(At this point, Mr. DeSchlong was vacated from the premises after jumping across the table and trying to strangle me with an electrical chord.)

Okay, I’m back. Mr. DeSchlong’s POV was certainly… illuminating. Restraining orders aside, he did have a point about the band in the movie, though – anyone aspiring to the dizzying heights of popularity of Maroon 5 may actually not be the most desirable agents of Satan. But Adam Brody's hilariously tongue-in-cheek take on the role of brooding singer Nikolai, along with the constant repetition of Low Shoulder's "hit" song ("Through The Trees"), provided ongoing gags that garnered quite a few chuckles.

My overall reaction to the film: an amusing ride that provided more belly laughs than skin-crawling visuals. It's similar to the Idle Hands breed of high school hijinks, dark comedy and occasional gore. But in this instance, even the peripheral blood splatter was a bit toned down for an R Rated movie - most of the kill scenes were done in silhouette, reducing the visual impact. Gory without the gore, but funny with plenty of fun. The fact that Cody opted out of the stereotypical horror movie ending (Jennifer jumping back to life, someone else turning evil to carry on the legacy, yadda-yadda-yadda) actually lets us walk out thinking of something other than a possible sequel, which was a big bonus.
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And if you ARE the type of person that needs to take some overall moral away from everything you see, try this one out for Jennifer's Body:

“Being a virgin might get you killed, but pretending to be a virgin will make you a killer. So either way, embrace your inner slut to make the world a better place.”

Not so warm and fuzzy, but what were you expecting...

Newport Folk Fest '09 Highlights - Old News Moves Slowly

Every blogger in the world has brought you the lowlights of that damn VMA show – we GET it, Kanye is a giant douchebag. But is anyone else going to give you a peek into a festival that took place a month and a half ago? I think not! But Juano’s got the goods - here it is kids, everything you never wanted to know about The Newport Folk Festival ’09…

Voted Most Likely To Incite Rebellion: Tom Morello, The Nightwatchman

Okay, I know this guy lost some credibility after he turned into a giant pussy in Audioslave – especially compared to his amazing stint with Rage Against The Machine. But a couple of years ago, Mr. Morello went folk – just him, an acoustic guitar, and the occasional harmonica and stomp box - yet somehow, he’s more of a rock god now than during his heyday. This is his second visit to the Folk Fest, and I think he got the crowd even more fired up this year.

Highlights: He debuted a new song, “Dogs of Tijuana”. But the real standout was his cover of “This Land Is Your Land”, complete with the original final verse that the record companies didn’t want you to hear. He has the kind of stage presence that makes you want to change the world…at least for the 45 minutes of his set. But during that time, if he had asked us to burn the venue to the ground I don’t know if we could have said no. (Now if we could just get that same level of enthusiasm from Mr. Morello on his Nightwatchmen studio albums, we’d have a real movement…)

More Info/Set Download: Check out his whole performance, available for download here thanks to NPR's (National Public Radio's) web site - just look for the download link at the top of the page.
Most Likely To Wax Poetic About Squirrels and Bob Dylan: The Decemberists

Ah, The Decemberists - to define you as prog-folk with a dash of thrash guitar would just pigeonhole you. So we’ll just call you a bunch of weirdos who make great music. The band took a break from their scheduled routine for the Folk Fest’s 50th anniversary – they’ve been performing their epic concept album, The Hazards of Love, in its entirety during this tour. Instead, their set provided us with such faves as “O Valencia!” and “The Crane Wife Pt. 3”. We were also treated to what leading man Colin Meloy referred to as “the worst song I ever wrote” – “Dracula’s Daughter”. C’mon man, don’t be so hard on yourself – it was really funny…oh, it was supposed to be tragic…ahhh.

Highlights: A recreation of Bob Dylan going electric at the ’65 Folk Fest was performed during “A Cautionary Song” by The Decemberists Family Players. To give you an idea of how truly surreal that telling was, a big ol’ squirrel had a key role in this wacky rendition…’nuff said. We were also lucky enough to witness the American debut of two new songs: “Down By The Water” and “Copper Mine Song”. But the biggest treat came from the vocal talents of two of the women touring with the Hazards of Love troupe: Becky Stark (of Lavender Diamond) and Shara Worden (of My Brightest Diamond…huh, kind of a sparkly gem thing going on with these bands). Stark was entrancing backing She & Him at last year’s Folk Fest, and was equally wonderful here. But Worden, as the Queen in the Hazards fable, had one of the most commanding voices I’ve ever heard – the studio version just didn’t do it justice. If you have a chance, SEE The Decemberists before the end of this tour!

More Info/Song Downloads: Check out 3 songs from their phenomenal set here, again from NPR. To check for tour dates, go to the bands page here (they'll be in New York and Vermont this weekend, if you're feeling like a road trip).

The Gillian & David By Any Other Name Award: Gillian Welch and David Rawlings Machine

In Gillian Welch’s band (who played Saturday’s show), David Rawlings plays second banana, and vice versa for David Rawlings Machine (who played on Sunday). Huh. Luckily, they’re both extremely fun and incredibly talented – both with a strong, unique voice that shines through.

Highlights: For Gillian, it was her exhaustion that led to my favorite moment. Announcing that she had been on the road and sleep deprived for WAY too many consecutive hours, she confessed to being a bit delusional. She decided to roll with that feeling and broke into a transcendently hallucinatory cover of “White Rabbit”. She also played one of my faves, “Look At Miss Ohio”.

For David Rawlings Machine…man, it might’ve been his duds. Yeah, the tunes were great, but you should’ve seen this wide pinstriped lavender suit he was wearing - snazzy! But the music was pretty darn good, too – from a cover of Old Crow Medicine Show’s “I Hear Them All” to Bob Dylan’s “Queen Jane Approximately” to the encore of Johnny & June Carter Cash’s “Jackson”, Mr. Rawlings knows how to please.

More Info/Set Downloads: Check out Gillian Welch's set here and David Rawling's Machine's set here.

Most Likely Soundtrack To A Good Old-Fashioned Bloodletting: Tim Eriksen & The Shape Note Singers

Any of us who lived in Western Mass during the early ‘90s probably remembers the band Cordelia’s Dad, who married classic folk stories with a punk soundtrack. That act eventually went mostly acoustic, and now Tim Eriksen has gone even more unplugged. Starting the show solo, surrounded by a variety of traditional instruments, he played a slew of centuries old ditties. He was eventually accompanied by his former Cordelia’s bandmate Peter Irvine on percussion.

Highlights: So where were these Shape Note Singers that were supposed to be with him, I wondered? Well, they came out about halfway through, and they absolutely filled the stage. Shape notes are basically a way of writing music for large groups, each note representing a vocal sound (fa-sol-la-mi). And when sung together (completely a cappella in this case) by such a large congregation that Mr. Eriksen had with him – beyond impressive.

More Info/Set Download: Check out the set here, and for more backstory about shape note singing, check out their page here.

Most Likely To Be Photographed Nude On A Bucking Horse: Ramblin’ Jack Elliott

Okay, so I know that this guy is a bit of a legend. And yes, it was his 78th birthday on the day of the show. And they did make an announcement about no flash photography before the start of the set. But when the guy stopped dead every time some poor schlub with a camera showed up, it made me think less about his musical legacy, and more about C.O.M.S. (Cranky Old Man Syndrome).

Highlight: To his credit, Mr. Elliott made a compromise with all would-be photographers in the audience: if they would stop taking pix during the set, he would let us photograph him in the parking lot, nude on a bucking horse. Y'know, I'm as open-minded about role play as the next guy, but that sounded a bit overindulgent...

Two Acts I Wish I'd Seen More Of: Langhorne Slim & Billy Bragg

I'll file this under: too many stages, too little time. For Langhorne Slim, I was in the wrong tent and only caught the last two songs of their set - but they had the crowd up and dancing. That doesn't seem like that big of a feat, but when you're the first act of the day (starting your show before noon), a lot of people won't give you that kind of attention. I had never heard these guys before, but I'll certainly be looking forward to checking out more.

I've heard Mr. Bragg's studio work in the past, but it's really the silly banter between songs that makes him so entertaining. His comedic rants make his very political messages much more appealing - it seems like Billy and Tom Morello might have a lot to talk about over a frothy pint or two...

More Info/Set Downloads: Luckily for me (and you, as it would seem), NPR posted both full sets. For Langhorne Slim go here, and for Billy Bragg go here.

Oh, And There Were a Few Living Legends, If You're Into That Sort Of Thing...

Being the 50th anniversary and all, they had some acts you may have heard of: Joan Baez, Pete Seeger and Arlo Guthrie to name names. I'm assuming you may already know about these folks though, right?

That's it for now. Maybe next time I can dig up some news that's even more outdated - I'm talking Mesozoic, baby. Fingers crossed!...

Anyone Feeling...Creative?

Anyone who has met me knows that I like to fancy myself a writer. Anyone who knows me well recognizes that I have the writing SKILLS of a drunken chimp - but that's an entirely different matter.

I'm here once again to ask anyone who's interested to pitch in for my annual blog crossover event in October. The subject: anything spooky, scary or horror-themed. It is October after all, the last day of which is possibly the bestest holiday EVER!;)

"What the hell is this idiot blathering about? What the frak does he want?", you ask. Quite simple.

I want a description of what spooky means to YOU. I want rants/raves about the best/worst horror flicks or Halloween cartoons you've ever seen. I want a list of the perfect Halloween party music EVER. I want crudely drawn pictures of Freddy Krueger in a tutu drawn on a bar napkin. I want a description of why your significant other's addiction to lousy horror movies bugs the crap out of you. Pictures of your best Halloween costumes. As long as it's moderately funny or entertaining, it's in. It would hopefully increase traffic to your site, especially if everyone cross-promotes and provides appropriate links to the materials.

"But I don't have a blog!", you lament.

If you don't, send it my way - I can post some material on mine. I'll even do a little light editing and spell-checking for you, but you'd get full credit (or none if you want a pseudonym). But you could also post it through your MySpace page or as a note on Facebook if you wanted to take more control.

The most important part is that everyone has fun and flexes a creative muscle. I'll accept submissions until October 20th (written works should be limited to 1.5 pages in MS Word).

Please use the information below for contacting me:

el Juano
juanosaddiction@comcast.net

Thanks all - I look forward to checking out what you've got. I'll do my best to review all submissions, and I'll post everything I can...