The Rocking Dead Hit New Orleans

The dead walk! The streets of New Orleans were flooded with previously deceased wanderers this morning – and all they want to do is rock. Legions of dead music icons have been spotted, from the Big Bopper to Jerry Garcia. A Hoodoo priest, Papa LeBeau, takes credit for this freaky feat: “I was just trying to cast a spell to bring all the musicians back to Orleans, to bring the life back to this town”, said the Houngan (priest). “Sometimes the spirits take things too literally.”

A reporter for the New Orleans Times was brave enough to approach Buddy Holly and ask what they all wanted: “Most of us just want to get back to work. And take a shower – I don’t know if you noticed, but we stink a bit.” The problem is that no one wants to work with the deceased legends – barring Ringo Starr, who was actually at the scene begging John Lennon to tour with him. Foo Fighters’ frontman Dave Grohl, when asked if a Nirvana reunion tour might be possible now that Kurt Cobain is back, responded: “No way, man! I’ve seen this movie – everything starts out fine, then the next thing you know, someone’s getting their brains gnawed on… But if he wants to go see Courtney, that would be cool. (laughs).”

Papa LeBeau insists that wouldn’t happen, though: “These aren’t Zombies, that’s a different kind of mojo. This is more powerful magic – they should all be pretty close to how they were before they died.” So, what are these idols of millions planning now? George Harrison, who seems to have been appointed spokesperson for the group, had this to say: “We just want to return to some semblance of a “normal life”, whatever that may be. For most of us, that’s music. And a few groups have already hit it off, talking about new projects.”

What projects, you ask? Well, on the heavier side we’ve got Lazarus Reaction: Layne Staley (Alice In Chains) and Andrew Wood (Mother Love Bone) as a double vocal threat, Dimebag Darrell (Pantera) on guitar, Cliff Burton (Metallica) on bass and Eric Carr (Kiss) filling out the roster on drums. An interesting mix – as long as they don’t pull an Audioslave and turn into giant wusses.

After finding some “connections” in town, the psychedelic crew smoked out and started a drum circle: John Bonham rocked the center, while Jerry Garcia and Janis Joplin spouted poetry over the beats – Jim Morrison has already passed out.

The most unexpected project was an old-timey jug band – being co-led by Kevin Dubrow (Quiet Riot) and Tupac Shakur. Dubrow had this to say: “We all had our own things going on in life, and we saw how well those ended - it's time for something different. And the Big Bopper over there plays a surprisingly good washtub bass.”

Bon Scott (AC/DC), Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughan were seen practicing together. Later, Jam-Master J (Run DMC) laid down some beats in the background. Early word around town is that this is the undead collaboration to beat.

The most surprisingly missing person from this collection, though? When pressed where Elvis might be, George Harrison responded: “C’mon, man – everybody knows that Elvis never really died.”