Juano's Addiction

R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio

2010-05-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

Ronnie James Dio was NOT taken down by stomach cancer. Here's how I know:

Dio was the only one with the iron sac to take the vocal reins of Black Sabbath after Ozzy departed. The rumors that Mr. Osbourne only left Sabbath because of a "mystical bitchslap" laid down by RJD's personal wizard only makes it more impressive.

Not only did he popularize the infamous "devil horns" hand gesture that is a heavy metal staple, he also beat the devil's ass and told him that he was taking HIS horns away. That's how he rolled.

RJD consorted with witches, slew dragons and fought off hordes of demons with little more than his own voice...and possibly a giant sword. Don't believe me? Check out this video, and you may change your mind:

That's how I know it couldn't have been stomach cancer, an evil that couldn't be fought on the fields of battle. He deserved to go out in a glorious fight, making the landscape quake with his thundering voice before meeting his equals in Valhalla. And that's the end I choose to remember...

R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio (1942-2010). You will be remembered well.

It's True Kids...Daddy's Been Moonlighting For Zombies

2010-05-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

You may have heard rumors that I've been writing for some crazy zombie web site. I'm here to tell you...that it's true. I know, you're wondering why I would stop fighting the hordes of the undead and start creating fluff pieces to promote them.

Rest easy kids - it's called "deep cover".

I've set myself up as a zombiephile with the handle of "Surfin' Dead" on the Zombie Zone News web site. I've even written my first piece about the Top 10 Zombie Comics To Rot Your Brain. They've begun to trust me.

And that's how we'll win. Pretty soon, I'll have the locations for all their undead tea parties or curling matches or...y'know, whatever evil things these revenant bastards like to do. And then...kablooie! No more nasty yellow teeth trying to gnaw on your giblets!

Don't worry, I'll be back soon with more craziness on Juano's Addiction. I might even tell you about all the crazy dreams I've been having...

Big Night Out: The Hold Steady - Pearl Street - April 6

2010-04-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve been listening to The Hold Steady for a few years now, and I always had a pretty clear picture in my head of what the singer would look like. Let me fill you in on how this came to be: the “I’ve been smoking cigarettes since I was in a crib” voice brought a bit of Tom Waits imagery, while the vibrant storytelling style made me think of a Bob Dylan/Bruce Springsteen hybrid. Add a dash of Johhny Rotten with all the allusions to partying and drugs in their lyrical landscape, and let your mental View-Master work out THAT rough-and-tumble fella.

So just imagine how blown my mind might have been when I first laid eyes on Craig Finn, the actual owner of that voice. The mashup we were looking for bore a closer resemblance to the possible love child of Elvis Costello and Pee Wee Herman. (And yes, I know how unlikely it seems that I had never seen a picture of the man on the intertubes, but I swear it’s true!) Preconceived notions and first impressions set aside, he’s one of the most visually enthralling leading men I’ve ever seen. With a shimmy and swagger dance style that brought him back and forth to the mic, he spit out the lyrics to some 23 songs during their 90 minute set.

And lest we forget, there was a whole band on stage with him…who went largely unintroduced over the course of the evening. So who are the Hold Steady players? Rounding out the rest of the original lineup, we have Tad Kubler on lead guitar, Galen Polivka on bass and Bobby Drake on drums. Joining them, we also saw fine additions in Dan Neustadt on keyboards (taking over for Franz Nicolay, who’s gone on to solo projects) and new guitarist Steve Selvidge (formerly of Lucero). Selvidge brings the guitar attack to a total of 2.5 (we can’t really count Craig Finn, considering his axe remains mainly ornamental, slung around his back for most of the set except for a few punctuating strums).

So, what can one expect for the highlights of a Hold Steady show? Well, you might very well see the rebirth of the great American rock’n’roll experience. The guitars are ferocious, both evoking a classic rock sound and creating a newly minted crunch of their own. And it’s not just background noise – there’s a craft to the six-string sound that makes you yearn for an old-fashioned spotlight solo. And when Kubler broke out a double-necked beauty during “Lord, I’m discouraged”…it’s almost like I was seeing Cheap Trick at Budokan (that’s a GOOD thing, for you young’ns). And for anyone who may have doubted that anyone could follow Franz’s keyboard work, Mr. Neustadt did just fine on “Stevie Nix”, adding his own nuances to a classic HS song. Making the evening even more intimate, Craig Finn stopped to tell us he had family in the audience, and that he’d been baptized in the beautiful (and sadly, now closed) St. Mary's church down the road. Overall, an extraordinary set, peppered with a handful of songs from the new disc (Heaven Is Whenever, due out May 4th). Thanks, guys - it was a great night out...

Set List

1. Hornets! Hornets!
2. Hurricane J (new)
3. The Swish
4. Magazines
5. The Weekenders (new)
6. Navy Sheets
7. Banging Camp
8. Massive Nights
9. Soft In The Center (new)
10. Chips Ahoy!
11. Constructive Summer
12. Multitude of Casualties
13. Rock Problems (new)
14. Lord, I’m Discouraged
15. You Can Make Him Like You
16. Stevie Nix
17. Hot Soft Light
18. Stuck Between Stations
19. Sequestered In Memphis
20. Slapped Actress

Encore Set

21. Barely Breathing (new)
22. Stay Positive
23. Your Little Hoodrat Friend

For more info on The Hold Steady, check out their web site. And if they're going to be in your area, GO SEE THEM!

Lefty's Brewing Company - Grand Opening This Weekend

2010-04-09T08:24:00.001-07:00

“Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” – Benjamin Franklin

“Mmmmm…beer!” – Homer Simpson

Clearly, some of the greatest minds in the history of the world are in agreement that beer is both a great unifying force…and a good way of bringing us all to the same level once the tap starts flowing. Tomorrow, a new local brewery will unite us with its weekend-long grand opening celebration.

Lefty’s Brewing Company of Bernardston, MA has already opened its doors to the public, but this weekend’s extravaganza will allow us to taste some of their fine new craft brews. Each sample will be paired with an appetizer from a local bakery or restaurant. And really, beyond great beer and food, what more could you ask for?

Looking for more info? Check out the Lefty’s web site or go to their Facebook page. Most importantly, though, come check out their grand opening this weekend – the festivities will be going strong from 12-8pm both days…

First Ladies Of Rock

2010-03-31T09:19:00.000-07:00

Much like everything else in the Juanoverse, we wouldn’t want to give you anything without the proper amount of procrastination attached. Letting my Women’s History Month piece simmer on the backburner ‘til the final moments of the final day might be overkill, you say? Touché. But I still wanted to give you a glimpse of some of the coolest ladies in the music biz, so cool your jets. And I’m not talking about a history lesson, trotting out the foremothers of rock. No Janis, no Aretha, no Patti. Of COURSE they were amazing. And granted, the Runaways movie may have been an inspiration for this list - but I wanted a list of women inspiring new generations to pick up a guitar and rock. And if some of these ladies rocked any harder, they might actually break through the fabric of this universe and into a new reality. So let’s jump in, kids…

1. The Donnas – Adopting the Donna moniker much like Joey and co. took on the Ramones name, these ladies have been known to rock a party and then steal all your beer. Luckily, you don’t mind being robbed and roofied by this crew – they leave you sonically satisfied like no others. Having cut their teeth learning Ace Frehley’s guitar licks and earning an advanced degree in punk and metal debauchery, The Donnas could teach you how to hotwire a car AND escape from the police. Valuable life lessons, people!
Recommended Listening: Spend The Night

2. Dresden Dolls/Amanda Palmer – A friend once described the Dresden Dolls’ live set by simply saying “They’re telepathic. Seriously.” When I finally got around to seeing the duo, I had to marvel at finding out he was right. Amanda and Brian (Viglione) could just give each other a sideways glance, no words, and effortlessly shift from song to song. Their sound is like the soundtrack to a fractured fairy tale transcribed by someone in an opium den – but it works. They call it “Brechtian Punk Cabaret”, and the fact that their painted faces are a cross between a crazed mime and a fractured porcelain doll – well, it just completes the package. These are two of the most enthralling live performers I have ever seen - and Palmer’s solo work is equally (wonderfully) deranged.
Recommended Listening: The Dresden Dolls and Ms. Palmer’s solo effort (produced by Ben Folds) Who Killed Amanda Palmer

3. The Stone Coyotes – For Barbara Keith (vocals/guitar), her band is her family – literally. With her husband (Doug Tibbles on drums) and her stepson (John Tibbles on bass) rounding out the trio, this is one hell of an impressive lineage. Keith crafted the oft-covered folk classic “The Bramble and the Rose” in her early career, and now we’re witnessing the creation of new rock treasures with every Coyotes album (nine to date, and counting). Those of us from Western Mass should consider ourselves lucky to have such phenomenal talent calling Greenfield their home.
Recommended Listening: Born To Howl

4. Lady Sovereign – Pint-sized poet. Midget MC. Shorty songstress. These are all terms I’d use if I wanted to get punched in the crotch by this ultra-feisty English rapper. She’s got all the attitude of Eminem and Dre, and equal amounts of talent under that hoody.
Recommended Listening: Public Warning

5. Distillers/Spinnerette (Brody Dalle) – So many snarling punk testaments to badassery were written in such a short career as The Distillers that it’s hard to believe they only released three albums. When they disappeared after dropping their major label debut (2003’s Coral Fang), that was it. But never fear, kids – Spinnerette rose from the ashes of The Distillers in 2007 (featuring Dalle and Distillers guitarist Tony Bradley (aka Tony Bevilacqua)), and is going strong. The growling and grunting has been tempered with a more accessible sound, but the ‘tude remains strong…
Recommended listening: The Distillers’ Sing Sing Death House and Spinnerette’s self-titled debut.

6. Aimee Allen – I was obsessed with this particular chanteuse for a while after she scored a title song for a short-lived TV series called Birds of Prey. But her album got squelched by the record company before she got any real accolades. Luckily, the tracks leaked into the interwebs…which is when most of us REALLY fell in love with her. At a time when Evanescence was using industrial techno as a backdrop for depressing faux goth, Aimee was using it to accentuate her sultry powerhouse vocals. The star potential was obvious – music with utterly danceable hooks, screaming guitar and a decidedly “Explicit Lyrics” stamp of approval. Later releases featured revamped versions of some of the songs, but that raw power was never recaptured.
Recommended Listening: I’d Start A Revolution (If I Could Get Up In The Morning) is the original, unreleased disc. You can still find it floating around on the web if you know your way around a search engine – it’s worth the effort…

7. Bif Naked - This Canadian singer has most of what I’m looking for in a bad girl: Lots of ink, an incredible set of pipes and a fine balance of FU attitude and wide-eyed wonder. And of course, having a gig at Buffy’s legendary faux night club (The Bronze) helped her gain a special place in my heart. A most impressive recent fact about Bif: she kicked the crap out of cancer and came back with a new album called The Promise. The title refers to the pledge she made to her fans while in the middle of her chemo – that she would be back to kick more ass than ever. It just doesn’t get much more punk rock than that…
Recommended Listening: I, Bificus

8. The Noisettes (Shingai Shoniwa) Their first disc was a retro garage rock masterpiece, with Ms. Shoniwa’s electric vocals crackling through the guitar crunch. So, when the second disc largely departed into a more soulful, hand-clapping kind of danceability, it took some getting used to. But, damn if that wasn’t a great sound too!
Recommended Listening: What’s The Time Mr. Wolf?

9. HorrorPops (Patricia Day) – Patricia Day is the voice behind this punky little slice of psychobilly. Their story began when Day’s former group (Peanut Pump Gun) was opening for the Nekromantix, and she struck up a conversation with Kim Nekroman (of the aforementioned band) about how limiting their genres could be. They both felt a need to explore more of their musical longings, and that spark was what would later fuel the creation of the HorrorPops. Add a few more band members, a couple of go-go dancers and an astoundingly fun mixture of punk-tinged horror stories and pop accessibility and I think you’ve got the basic recipe down…
Recommended Listening: Bring It On

10. Hole – For those of you thinking that Courtney Love is a has-been who is probably more in need of rehab than a comeback – well, I’m not necessarily arguing that point. But it’s hard to deny that Hole made some pretty tasty pop-punk classics. And judging by the excellent reviews of their live set at SXSW this year, it may be time to cut Courtney some slack…until the next time she passes out and falls off stage.
Recommended Listening: Live Through This

Yes, there are about a thousand other bands I could have showcased - but there simply isn't enough room for all the tremendous talent out there. So, who would you have picked? Comment away, folks!...

Weekend Fun Time - Stone Coyotes, Treefort, Big Bad Bollocks and Nuggets Night

2010-03-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

There’s so much good stuff going on this weekend, I hardly know where to start – so lets just jump right in:

Tonight (March 12th)

The Stone Coyotes – 9 p.m. at Burrito Rojo, Turners Falls, MA – Go early and have some of JD’s nice & spicy food and stay late for a glimpse of the first family of rock. If you haven’t seen this trio, then you’re in for a treat – the experience is a fine wedding of gritty American poetry and power chords. Barbara Keith’s work has been inspirational for decades, and working alongside her family in the Stone Coyotes – well, let’s just say that they’re one of western Mass’ greatest exports. And this is the only scheduled area show before they head down to their home away from home in Texas, so don’t miss it!

Saturday (March 13th)

The Big Bad Bollocks – 7 p.m. at The Iron Horse, Northampton, MA – These guys are also masters of poetry – though John Allen’s breed of rhyme is more akin to a drunken limerick. The trick here is not to try to match the band drink-for-drink – unless you WANT to pass out before the second set. On top of being their annual St. Paddy’s day show, it’s also The Bollocks' 20th anniversary – so expect some extra rowdy antics, kids…

Treefort – 10 p.m. at The Brass Cat, Easthampton, MA – You say you want shenanigans? I’m sure there will be plenty when our friends Treefort hit the stage. I’ve previously labeled them as self-deprecating rock with alt-country twang and some of the finest humor you could hope for. I stand by that statement and would add that they also put on one of the most fun live shows around. And maybe they’ve got news about the long-awaited release of their second album, Talking To The Dogs. Treefort only play a couple of shows a year now, so don’t miss this! (The Burns Brothers open the show at 10 p.m.)

Nuggets Night – 9 p.m. at The Rendezvous, Turners Falls, MA – What the frak is Nuggets night, you ask? Well, Nuggets refers to a brand of garage rock psychedelia that surfaced in the late ‘60s and has inspired generations of bands to continue the tradition. Some of the originals you may recognize would be along the likes of The Amboy Dukes or Strawberry Alarm Clock, and on Saturday we’ll witness some local legends pay tribute. Ray Mason, The Claudia Malibu and a slew of others will cover our favorite songs from yesteryear – and you can be sure we’ll see some fine vintage outfits for the shindig, too. Can you dig it?

The only problem now is finding a way to clone yourself for Saturday night to be able to make all of those shows. But hey, that's your problem now...

Hope You Enjoyed The Preview of Ex-Heroes...

2010-02-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

For those of you who missed it (shame on you), Juano’s Addiction hosted a 48 hour sneak peek at the new book Ex-Heroes over the weekend. Readers got a taste of this fun new vision of the zompocalypse – as imagined by the wonderfully twisted mind of Peter Clines. But don’t fret if you missed it – the book is now officially on sale, so you can go buy it at Amazon.com or any other fine bookseller to find it! Go!
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For more info about Peter Clines, check out his Facebook fan page.

For more info on the publisher, go to the Permuted Press web site.

For more info on averting the zompocalypse, check here. Seriously - Canadians and zombies are a bad mix.

Sex On The Brain - A VD Soundtrack

2010-02-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

What’s that you say? You want another soundtrack for your VD to rival the ones from 2008 and 2009? Sounds good, but what’s the twist this year? A collection of ditties about pleasures of the flesh? Sounds good! Some of these are double entendre laden masterpieces, while others are…well, let’s just say that some are about as subtle as Van Halen’s For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge or Big Black’s bluntly titled magnum opus. But just because they beat you over the head with it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a listen. When the mood for some lovin’ hits, just press play…

1. “Let’s Get It On” – Marvin Gaye
2. “Bend Over, I’ll Drive” – The Cramps
3. “Big Ten-Inch Record” – Aerosmith
4. “Banana Pudding” – Southern Culture On The Skids
5. “Wild Thing” – Tone Loc
6. “Sex and Candy” – Marcy Playground
7. “Big Dumb Sex” – Soundgarden
8. “Hoochie Coochie Man” – Muddy Waters
9. “You’re So Damn Hot” – OK Go
10. “Pour Some Sugar On Me” – Def Leppard
11. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
12. “Hide The Salami” – Pajama Slave Dancers
13. “Bad Touch” – Bloodhound Gang
14. “Get It Up” – Mindless Self Indulgence

Any other songs from your saucy secret stashes that I didn’t think of? Post ‘em in the comments section, kids…

Two Busted Out Of The Cuckoo's Nest...

2010-02-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, it took a bit longer than I expected, but I’m home. Why the silent treatment since last time? I may not have been on what you'd refer to as "model behavior", so I lost my computer privileges. To backtrack - do you remember that third kid from the Tim Hortons? I guess he finally found his inner zombie at the local police station (or would it be a Mountie station? I get confused from all the Dudley Do-Right Canadian stereotypes). He ate a local drunk, and they put him in a cell by himself ‘til they could get the paperwork together to ship him over to…wait for it…yep, the five-star loony bin where I’ve been cooling my heels. Clearly, Canadian doctors find a pulse to be optional when transferring a prisoner.

I was so doped up in that first month that you probably could have put a bull elephant wearing a smoking jacket and fez in the day room and I would’ve asked him to play checkers. And I probably would’ve lost. So, forgive me for not noticing the undead curling team kid showing up. Luckily, one of my schizo buddies down the hall started hearing stories about someone who had been wheeled in with full Hannibal Lecter regalia. He got a private suite, for obvious reasons. And he really started making a name for himself (Chompy MacGillacuddy, I believe it was) when the biting began.

Thankfully, Virtual Stranger got my message about needing a rescue in time to prevent a further outbreak. Granted, by the time he got there we had to put the whole place on lockdown - let’s just say that most of the patients and staff had those hungry eyes by that point (and no, not the kind that Eric Carmen sang about). Luckily, Stranger doesn’t mess around – he likes guns. Big ones. His personal fave is a sawed-off number he named Daisy (whether or not his marriage to said weapon of choice is legal in California is a story for another time). We outfitted the rest of the crazies with some choice weaponry, and there were surprisingly few friendly fire incidents. Don’t worry, we took the boomsticks away from them once we cleared the building. But if you should be near Toronto, and you see someone walking around in a robe carrying a pink plush bunny – call the cops. Jimmy the schizo may have been a big help clearing a zombie-infested nuthouse, but you don’t want him hanging around your town. Trust me.

So, home in time for V-Day. And from the looks of my inbox, we’ve got a lot to talk about. Check some of these out:

StinkyPete999 wants to know why the networks want to make him cry by burning off so many of his favorite shows – Dollhouse, Better Off Ted, Scrubs, and the list goes on.

DDollDevotee questions whether Amanda Palmer’s engagement to a certain Sandman author is real, or just some kind of wacky PR stunt.

DedMilkfan is ecstatic about the Dead Milkmen getting back together to write some new material and wants to know if they will be coming around on tour.

SBabyHead is curious why the Spiderbaby piece I promised months ago still isn’t written…

A lot of very valid questions – and being incarcerated in a Canadian sanitarium isn’t going to last long as an excuse, so I better get to work on some answers. Hope to rant to you more regularly soon – and maybe we’ll even see a Valentine’s soundtrack to mark my two year blogaversary…

Tim Hortons Fears A Ghoul

2010-01-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

One bad call can sure ruin a fella’s day – one really bad call, and you’re locked away in an asylum for the holidays. That’s right, kids - I’ve been tossed in the loony bin, the funny farm, the straightjacket suite…whatever you’d call it, I’m here. To make things worse, I’m on the northern exposure of the Canadian border, so none of my usual contacts have been around to bust me out. So, if any of the regulars are reading this – Stranger, Mr. B, Field – I sure could use a rescue. It’s getting so you can’t kill a couple of zombie plague infected college kids in a donut shop without someone calling the authorities anymore.

I’ve been on “good behavior” since Thanksgiving, which adds up to about fifteen minutes of unmonitored internet access a day (granted, it’s a Canadian coconut phone modem, but I can’t be too choosy). The computer has been part of my therapy privileges since Boxing Day (yeah, I know what you're thinking – was I still too crazy to control myself 24 hours earlier on Christmas? I guess you'd have to ask those frakkin’ canucks!). I neglected to tell them about my little blog, and I’m hoping what they don’t know just might save me.

How did I get in this mess? Well, back in early November a buddy of mine from Toronto caught some scanner chatter about three sickly looking jocks causing a ruckus at a Tim Hortons. One of them passed out for a while and woke up a little too bitey for the locals, if you catch my drift. Lucky me (sense the sarcasm?), I was in the area already, so I said I’d check it out.

And to start, this seemed like one of the easiest gigs ever. First off, to walk in to the smell of caramel and coffee versus the putrefied meat stink that I’m usually greeted with…definitely a bonus. Second, only two of the three had turned by the time I got there. One of them was moving so slowly that I was actually able to take him out with a pointy day-old cruller to the eye – which is certainly going in my top five favorite zombie takedowns of all time. The other one slipped in a puddle of coffee one of the minimum wage monkeys had spilled, and bashed his own brains in on the corner of the ice machine.

But that was the end of my luck. The police showed up when I was trying to dispatch the third one. He hadn’t turned yet, and the authorities generally frown on the whole “murder spree” thing – especially when their prime suspect is babbling about the undead. Suddenly, I’m the bad guy?! Really, no applause necessary – just throw me in a padded room, I’ll be all set. We’ll just hope that when the third kid turns, he’s as clumsy as his buddies.

And here we are. Somebody needs to track this IP address and GET ME OUT!! In the meantime, I’ll keep you guys in the loop. I’ve missed a lot over the holidays, so I’ll try to make up for some lost time. And no more whining about being locked up, I promise...

Craptastic Horror Flicks - Unworthy Of A Remake?

2009-10-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

My good friend Virtual Stranger’s piece made me start thinking about the rampant remakes – and there are certainly more to come. So, given the ridiculous amounts of junk that the ‘80s spewed out, what might never rate the upgrade? For that matter, did they rate the transfer from Beta? Sure, some of them are guilty pleasures that still bring a grin to my face. Did some of them even earn a sequel? Of course, but it was the ‘80s so that’s not exactly a badge of honor – I mean, how many sequels did Chucky get? See where I’m going with this?

Let’s take a look at some crap, shall we?

1. Demons (1985) – Those wacky Italians and their gore fests! Dario Argento, maestro of mayhem, delivered buckets of guts in this outing. And oh, what a lovely mid-‘80s soundtrack – Motley Crue, Accept, Scorpions – those spandex clad butt cheeks alone send shivers down the spine. Oh yeah, and there was some kind of plot, too – centered around a theatre opening in West Berlin, where moviegoers are treated to a horror scene on and off the screen. You see, when a woman in the lobby tries on a “prop” mask, a needle hidden inside gives her a demonic hickey. When that bad dog begins to fester, she turns all toothy and starts a-killin’. Of course, anyone she bites gets a slight case of demonitis, too – cue nonstop slaughter, roll credits. Hey, at least the outbreak didn’t start from a demonic toilet seat…

2. 976-Evil (1988) – Ring-ring… “Yeah, this is Hoax.”
“Hey, buddy, it’s Satan. Listen, I know your nerdy existence is frustrating and lonely. How about you let me possess you and take you on a little killing spree? I PROMISE to get you laid”
“Um…okay.”
That’s the long and short of it. A satanic phone number. Suddenly, that evil toilet seat doesn’t seem quite as preposterous, does it? (Of note: this was directed by Robert Englund.)

3. The Video Dead (1987) - Is there an entire subgenre of horror focused on spooky things creeping out of your TV? If so, this flick would end up sandwiched somewhere between Carol Anne’s TV experience (wait, isn’t that a prog-metal band?) in Poltergeist and The Ring's sopping wet killer brat. Oh, this time it’s zombies from the cable dimension, in case you were curious. (For more things clawing their way out of your flatscreen, check Demons 2.)

4. Dead Pit (1989) – Given Dr. Ramzi’s bedside manner, you could make a case that Mengele was just a bit misunderstood. One would assume that Ramzi’s reign of terror would have ended when he was killed and buried in the basement of a mental hospital. But twenty years later, the magical pairing of an earthquake and a girl with psychic mojo end up unleashing the now undead doc on the world. Oh, and his former “patients” join him for some revenant festivities. Luckily, they brainstorm and decide to start up a zombie day spa with rejuvenating seaweed wraps…Okay, no, they really just kill a bunch of people – but it would’ve been an interesting alternative.

5. Madman (1982) – It’s a horror story told around the campfire – after Madman Marz killed his whole family with an axe, he was captured and hung in the woods. But, as fellas with the nickname “Madman” often do, he escaped to kill again! Now, when his name is uttered above a whisper, Marz is likely to do his best barber impression and take a little off the top – scalp and all. Cue the dumb kid yelling his name, followed by scenes of camp counselors having crazy hot tub sex right before getting massacred. Was this a Friday the 13th rip-off? Sure. But this was a REDNECK supernatural backwoods killer. It’s the subtle differences…

6. Basket Case (1982) – It’s true what they say about two heads being better than one – especially for some bloody carnage. If that second head belongs to your nearly inhuman formerly conjoined twin…bonus! The boys hold a slightly murderous grudge against the docs that separated them and…well, I’m guessing you can figure out the rest, right? You almost feel for poor Duane (the human half of the duo) as he discovers love…at the same time his monstrous counterpart slithers away to kill again. Worst…double date…EVER…

7. Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988) – Ahhh…the title says it all, doesn’t it? The time was the ‘80s, where the women clearly shed their clothes to do everything – it’s a historical fact. “Eeeek! There’s a noise in the basement – let me just strip down to a thong and investigate!” “What, there are zombies outside? I’d better do some nude aerobics to warm up before running away!” Linnea Quigley, scream queen extraordinaire, was the feature bimbette in this cheese fest – which featured a wish-granting imp that had been imprisoned in (I kid you not) a bowling trophy. Somehow, the wishes all have disastrous consequences – and not just to trap you in bowling shoes for eternity, but that’s a start…

8. The Gate (1987) – You know that sneaking suspicion you had as a kid that if you had a hole big enough, it would unleash Hell on earth? What’s that? Your parents told you the hole would just end up taking you to China? Well that’s just silly. This movie shows us what would really happen – when the hole in Glen’s backyard starts churning green smoke and smelling like Dante’s BBQ Pit, demonic misbehaving can’t be far behind. Granted, the addition of Glen’s blood and some light incantations and ouija board summoning don’t help matters - yeesh, it’s like they’ve never seen a horror movie before. In the end, the lyrics of an obscure heavy metal band explain how to get their supernatural pests under control. And here I thought metal was supposed to CAUSE the problems – maybe I should go dig out my old Ronnie James Dio on vinyl just in case. Yeah, that’s probably not the best plan either...

9. Slumber Party Massacre (1982) – Sexy pillow fight, anyone? Wait, let’s check with the slasher of the week… Yeah, he’s okay with it - he’s also open to Jell-O wrestling. Oh, but he’s going to have to kill you all horribly with a power tool after the strip charades. It IS a massacre, after all. The funny thing about this raunchy romp is that it was penned by a feminist activist (Rita Mae Brown) as a parody of the slasher genre – but the producers decided it should be a more “serious” affair, thus the cheese-fest that it became. The first sequel (yes, there have actually been THREE) used INTENTIONAL humor much better than the freshman outing.

10. Night of the Creeps (1986) – What, you think you can find a better movie about alien brain parasites that turn their hosts into zombies? Yeah, I’m looking at you Slither! The humorous parallels between the mindless zombies and the frat boys they infect are lost on no one, and this is ‘80s schlock at its finest. (This one was just re-released on DVD this week, so go grab it!)

Bonus ‘90s Crap
11. Dead Alive (1992) – Nobody EVER believes the story of the cursed Sumatran rat monkey ‘til it’s too late. Suddenly, Mum’s a zombie who’s infecting the populace and you end up having to chop up the neighbors with a lawnmower. Dang, Peter Jackson (who directed) got lucky when he started courting Hobbits and giant monkeys – do you think he put this one on his resume? (Yes, I know I’m going to get crap for putting this cult fave on the list, but c’mon…)

If there’s anything you think might be conspicuously absent from this list, chances are it’s being remade. Yes, even Silent Night, Deadly Night – because who doesn’t want to see a Santa wannabe killing the neighborhood. ‘Til next time, have a gory good time – and Happy Halloween!

Original Sin by Virtual Stranger

2009-10-26T04:41:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, tis the season for infectious disease, random murders, and bone-chilling screams in the middle of the night. I knew what I was getting into when I moved to Los Angeles, though, so it’s too late to start complaining. And it’s not that bad when you get used to it.

Awful truth is, I used to be scared of everything. The dark. Things under the bed. Things in the closet (thank you, Stephen King for “The Boogeyman,” which haunts me to this day). Heights. Blood. Snakes. Monsters. Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton wasn’t even born yet, but I dreaded her coming. I got recurring nightmares from Fantasy Island, Land of the Lost, and even the old Get Smart show. You name it, I lost sleep because of it.

I gradually grew out of my abject terror, but it wasn’t until I met our lovely host in college that I was introduced to the idea of horror as a good thing. El Juano showed me the glory of the gory and the thrill of the thriller.

Alas, most of you these days don’t get to experience the joy of horror, because a lot of what you get has been kind of re-processed and homogenized with a few additives and preservatives. It’s hard to tell one horror movie from another, to be honest. Y’see, Timmy, back in the day before all film studios turned out was remakes, some of us got to see these things called Original Films. You probably know most of them today as remakes, but you don’t really know horror until you’ve treated yourself to some of these gems in their original form.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Little did little Georgie Romero know that he and his buddies were starting a whole subgenre of movies when they scraped together enough cash to make the most gruesome horror movie they could. Before then, zombies were people Boris Karloff hypnotized to work on his Haitian plantation, but within a few years they’d created a new nightmare--the next door monster. Slow, lumbering, almost unstoppable, and its only function is the biggest taboo in human society: cannibalism. Since then people have tried to speed zombies up, smarten them up, and laugh them up, but to this day nothing beats the original for sheer shivers. And a rights screw-up left it in the public domain, so you can even download it and watch it right now.
(Seriously, go here to download it now!)

The Omen (1976)
Rupert Thorne’s adopted son, Damien, has problems. His nanny commits suicide in a truly spectacular fashion at his birthday party. The nice priest that looks like Doctor Who dies horribly just after trying to reveal the secret of Damien’s true parentage. And a photographer has started to assemble an ugly list of coincidences about the boy that could mean bad news for everyone, and I do mean everyone!

Unlike the crass remake that was rushed out because some marketing guy figured out how to read a calendar, this film is all suspense. No creepy things in mirrors. No cheap shots. Not even much of a body count. You can count the deaths on one hand, really. But the atmosphere in this movie keeps piling up and piling up as Rupert sees the photographer’s eerie pictures, they discover how thoroughly Damien’s past has been erased, and by the time they’re prying open tombs in a European graveyard, just a quick glimpse of a few bones can make you shudder. You can drown in this movie! It’s the creepy tale of two men who’ve discovered they’re standing in front of a juggernaut, and nothing they do has a prayer of stopping it.

Halloween (1978)
Even if you never knew the story, John Carpenter’s little film about a guy in a Shatner mask killing folks became an instant icon by tying itself to our favorite holiday. This groundbreaking film (and it really was) took an idea that had been lurking on the edge of the American consciousness and threw it out in the open. What if Michael Meyers, a perfectly normal kid from a perfectly normal family... just went crazy? What if he carved up a few folks and no one knew why? Worse yet, what if he spent his life in an institution, got loose, and decided to pick up with the senseless killing right where he left off? Combined with Carpenter’s revolutionary “point of view” camerawork, an almost real-time script, and a series of gruesome on-screen murders, this film literally changed how horror movies were made. Seriously. Hollywood completely re-geared after this film. The era of sophisticated “adult” horror was gone, and it was now being aimed specifically at teenagers. All because of this movie.

Hey, speaking of aiming at teenagers...

Friday the 13th (1980)
Everyone knows the iconic vision of Jason in his hockey mask. What some of you youngins probably don’t know is that he didn’t get the mask until the third movie in the series. In the second movie he just wore a dirty pillowcase with some eye-holes. Heck, in the first movie Jason was only a minor character. The killer was someone else entirely! Who? Go rent it, I’m not going to tell you everything...

In a way, this series did in the ‘70s what Rob Zombie did in 2007 with his remake. They both tried to copy the original Halloween, but didn’t quite understand what it was about that movie that was so terrifying. Teenagers using drugs? Check! Teenagers having sex? Check! Savage killer? Check! Loads of blood? Check! Friday the 13th just grabbed all the sensational elements of Halloween and ignored some of the deeper subtext... just like Rob Zombie did.
This series created a whole new sub-genre-- the slasher film. It gave everyone the right to call themselves a filmmaker, provided they could figure out creative ways to kill people that sprayed blood a minimum of seven feet. Plus it gave Kane Hodder a career as the man behind the mask.

The Fog (1979)
Carpenter comes back with the story of a wonderful little oceanside town that’s been sitting on a few ugly secrets from the past. Jamie Lee Curtis comes back as the young lady who has to live through it, even though she’s out of her teens. Creepy undead pirates just make us want to come back again and again. This movie gets a lot of mileage out of simple camera tricks, not giving us a good look at the monsters, and that biggest of all nightmares--karma. While it seems a bit unfair at first that the dead things in the fog are picking on this little town, we come to find out the town kind of had it coming. Yeah, we don’t want to see Jamie Lee and her new beau get torn up, but the rest of ‘em... well, the undead have a pretty solid argument in their favor. I say kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out.

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
Oddly enough, this early film by Wes “Elm Street” Craven is the American equivalent of Godzilla. The Japanese made a movie about the horrors of the nuclear age, we saw a film about a big dinosaur knocking down buildings. Then America made a film about an innocent (well semi-innocent) group of recluses being mutated by nuclear testing, forgotten, and forced to fend for themselves... and it got remade into a story about brutal cannibals. The real horror of this story wasn’t what these people up in the hills did, it was about what they were. It was this eerie story about how the monster was human and he wasn’t alone. He brought Ma, Pa, Granny, little Joe, and little Becky-Sue with him. The flesh-eating, that was just a side thing.

And if the word on the street is true, this time next year I’m going to have to rant about Evil Dead and Hellraiser, so go see those before they’re torn down and rebuilt.

Go!!

(Virtual Stranger was the inspiration for both the epic poem Beowulf and the motion picture Raiders of the Lost Ark, and is single-handedly responsible for repelling the Martian Invasion of 1936 that occurred in Grovers Mills, New Jersey. He is the author of numerous short stories, the upcoming Ex-Heroes, and an as-yet-undiscovered Dead Sea Scroll. There is compelling evidence that he is, in fact, the Limbergh baby.)

For more of Virtual Stranger's wonderful breed of insanity, check out his ranty blog!

Sink Your Rotting Teeth Into Toronto's Zombie Short Film Festival

2009-10-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

Remember when zombies weren’t in vogue, and those of us who loved (and rightfully feared) them were considered a bunch of freaks? Luckily, if they were any more fashionable now they’d be wearing Jimmy Choos as they ripped into your melon to scoop out the juicy brains. MMMM…brains!

To celebrate the undead in style, our neighbors to the North (no, not Vermont you morons – Canada! Now pay attention!) have organized the first (hopefully annual) Zombie Short Film Festival at the Revue Cinema in Toronto, Ontario. So on October 30th, moviegoers from around the world can flock to see brains and viscera and gore…oh my!

The deadline for submissions was October 1st, so any enterprising filmmakers who hadn’t already shipped out their gory best will have to wait until next year to enter. From this year’s myriad of entries, the Zombie Fest crew (led by co-founders Jim Taylor and Cory Laffin) has already whittled the list down to the top 10, which is what will be screened for the lucky audience on the night of the event.

What kind of wacky revenant hijinks can we expect, you ask? Well, from what I’ve seen so far, we can expect a bit of CGI animation, a dash of homeless heroics and a smattering of…zombie on Barbie violence (yeah, you read that right!). You say you want to take a peek? Beware, here are some delightfully demented examples:

So, you'd like to see some silly zombie home movies? Check out The Lonely Squirrel (by Ronni Raygun Thomas) here.

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Or how about a glimpse into how a bum may be humanity's best hope for survival in Bum of the Dead (by Geoff Whitman and crew):

Bum of the Dead from Geoff Whitman on Vimeo.

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What, your appetite's still not sated? Fine, how about checking out the tale of two Barbies in love during the zompocalypse in Housewarming (by Lee Marquardt) here.

And the fun doesn't stop there! Just imagine the gooey goodness that awaits you on the 30th. Check out the Zombie Short Film Festival web site for all the details (including the list of finalists) here. Just make sure your passport's ready to cross that border in a couple of weeks, folks - have a splatterific good time!

I’m Finally Ready To Forgive You For Armageddon, JJ…

2009-10-16T11:16:00.001-07:00

We’ll call Armageddon a lapse in judgment, Mr. Abrams. That’s the best I can give you, considering the grudge I’ve held for the last decade over that steaming pile of film cells. You succumbed to the pressure of building a Hollywood spectacle and created…well, it was a bunch of space cowboys in a disaster flick with an asteroid. Oh yeah, and you turned Steve Buscemi into a howling madman straddling a nuke like it was his…y’know…”missile”. Ah, and let’s not forget the blame we should all place on JJ for single-handedly turning Aerosmith into a bunch of neutered, whining schlock peddlers!

But Mr. Abrams has been repaying his debt to his audience ever since. Starting with Alias, he was able to transform Jennifer garner into a dimpled, ass-kicking beauty of the small screen. Adding a touch of the mystical to that show made it even more enjoyable, and after five seasons I was ready to forget Bruce Willis in the cheesy astronaut costume. And then came Lost - ah, the plane crash that launched a thousand questions. You brought us such mystery and excitement! Is it a dinosaur out in the jungle? What the hell is in that hatch? How does Evangeline Lilly manage to stay drenched like she'd been in a wet t-shirt contest in every scene? Suddenly, I was able to erase Ben Affleck’s pseudo tough guy routine from my memory.

And 2009 clinched it – his penance can be at an end! You see, JJ started this fantastic little show called Fringe in 2008. The basics: FBI agent Olivia Dunham (played by Anna Torv) is assisted by Peter Bishop (played by Joshua Jackson), a “civilian consultant” with a usefully shady past, and his father Walter Bishop (played by John Noble), who is a genius level scientist who spent a large chunk of time in the loony bin after his experiments – both in human testing and his own ingestion of mounds of pschotropic drugs – made him a bit cuckoo. The trio, along with some help from the FBI and sketchy corporate giant Massive Dynamic, investigate “fringe” science and its consequences. To boil it down: if there’s an unexplainable boogeyman living under your bed, or if you happen to be growing extra organs, chances are good that these will be your heroes.

So, if this show started in ’08, why is ’09 the year of final forgiveness, you ask? Well, while it’s true that the show was a fun ride, it didn’t seem to have a clear sense of direction at first. It could’ve just as easily been X-Files Part Deux, between the mystery atrocity of the week and Olivia’s constantly melancholy “Woe is me” delivery. But in ’09, we started to see all the pieces come together. People were watching the team – if they were people at all. There was the revelation that there is a creepy parallel universe. Olivia’s bum unclenched when they added her sister and niece to the show. Leonard Nimoy returned to TV as science officer Spock...oh wait, no, he's Dr. Bishop’s former partner, Dr. Bell. And of course, there's the whole “Wait, who stole who from another universe to replace their dead WHAT now?!”

And that doesn’t even begin to cover the acting - John Noble’s portrayal of Dr. Bishop is Emmy-worthy at very least. At first, he merely seemed to fill the role of comic relief – feeding drug cocktails to himself and any lab animal that hadn’t already been dissected. But as we start to see that most all of the weekly abominations point back to Walter, he begins to remember why he might’ve been locked away in the first place. His reactions turn from comical to grief-stricken in an instant, and the result is perfection.

The fact that I’ve begun to take Dawson’s Creek alum Joshua Jackson so seriously…well, that’s just another testament to the show’s brilliance. And the masterful storytelling just gets better in season 2 – the conspiracy grows larger, the shape shifters are shiftier, and we say a
permanent goodbye to at least one cast member. I’m finally excited for each new episode of a TV show again. So yes, JJ, I can even forgive you for Buscemi’s phallic breakdown. With the added bonus of your Star Trek reboot being, as my friend Cheryl put it so succinctly on Facebook, “made of awesome”…I think we’re going to be okay. I can respect your work again.

But you might still want to give Aerosmith a call to say you’re sorry – they never quite recovered from being turned into giant pussies.

Brains, Brains, Tasty Brains! It's Zombie Walk Salem '09

2009-10-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

You know, people, I can’t protect you from the zombie threat if you’re just going to go and party with them anyway. And that looks like what’ll be happening this Saturday (October 10th), at the 2nd annual Zombie Walk Salem. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like – people dressed up as zombies, walking a route straight through Salem, MA. Like that town doesn’t have enough problems with witches, now they’ve got the zombie plague – you might as well just hand over your brain at the gate.

And they make it sound so enticing! The zombie-philes over at High Hat Productions are starting this shindig at Collins Cove Field at 3 PM. And you say you want some creepy activities? Well, they’ve lined up such ghoulish games as Capture The Hand and Zombie Kickball to keep everyone occupied ‘til there are enough undead roamers to constitute a proper horde – then the walk begins. To end the tour, the shambling fiends will grace us with…a dance number?! Oh, they’re going to do the Thriller Dance in front of the Lobster Shanty? Well that makes a lot more sense. And for those who haven’t snacked on any gray matter along the way, The Lobster Shanty will be offering free brains (yes, brains, I kid you not) to anyone dressed as a zombie (and to any real zombies, one would guess – I know I wouldn’t turn ‘em down).

There will be a “Best Costume” prize to the top 3 zombies – so bring out your finest rag suits and dresses, and make sure to spread enough blood and viscera around. Oh, and make sure you slouch for the pictures – no one likes a zombie with good posture!

(Click the map on the left for a larger version of the route.)

If you’re looking for more fun after the walk ends, it sounds like a lot of the local faves will be having appropriately themed parties:

- Dodge Street Bar & Grill will be providing the band of your nightmares, Voodoo Screw Machine, at 9 PM. I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys have tried to nosh on a few noggins during their shows…

- Did I mention the brains at the Lobster Shanty? Yeah? Well, I guess there’s an outdoor party attached to the whole frontal lobe buffet – I hear there might even be some Soylent Green wafers…

- Rockafellas is having a Halloween bash that night at 8 PM, featuring The Herland Brothers.

For more info on any of the Zombie Walk activities, check in on our friends at the High Hat Productions web site, or the Walk’s Facebook page. And remember, kids – it’s natural to be curious about the undead. Just keep your succulent brain covered…

My What Big Teeth You Have, Jennifer...

2009-09-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

If you’ve seen the trailers for Jennifer's Body, you know the basic plotline: Jennifer (Megan Fox) is the uber-hot high school tease, who eventually starts eating her male classmates. The aptly named Needy (geekily cute Amanda Seyfried) has been her BFF since childhood, always covering for Jennifer's misdeeds while harboring a pretty serious bicurious crush – thus, the tease of a possible lesbian kiss in the commercials. Things obviously go a little wonky for the duo when Needy catches on to the whole demonic murder angle - it IS tough to look the other way when your best bud is dripping with blood and viscera, after all.

What most people are trying to figure out: Is this a horror movie with a dash of teen comedy, or vice versa? I’m happy to report that there’s a generous dose of both, thanks to the able writing of Diablo Cody (in her first screen effort since Juno). You’re certainly not going to get any John Hughes-esque life lessons out of this teen romp, but Cody’s humorous, pop culture laden dialogue makes for an entertaining outing.

As to the accusations that the movie is trying to sell itself on sex appeal alone, I’ve brought in an expert on the subject. His name is Hank DeSchlong, and he used to cast some of the sex bombs from the big horror franchises of the ‘70s and ‘80s.

Juano’s Addiction: Hank, thanks for talking to us.
Hank DeSchlong: Hey, no problem, buddy.
JA: You've clearly seen a lot of the big horror flicks from the past few decades. So, in comparison, what was your take on the sexual themes of this movie? Are they going too far?
HD: Not far enough, if you ask me.
JA: Really? A lot of folks are saying that the only audiences they were trying to reach were teenage boys and horny old men.
HD: And you've just described a horror flick's best customers. But seriously, what did we get out of this flick? A little sideboob here and there, the outline of an ass – everybody stayed pretty well covered up.
JA: But what about the Jennifer/Needy kissing scene?
HD: What-EVER! I guess if that’s what kids get hot and bothered about now, great. Back in the day, they both would’ve stripped to some cool metal tune within the first five minutes.
JA: Yeah, but things have changed. Now, parents are more worried about their kids seeing nudity than they are about them witnessing full eviscerations.
HD: That’s what I’m saying! If this was still the eighties, we wouldn’t have had to worry about that crap. Boobs AND blood and guts, that’s what you were paying for, so that’s what you got. And this whole ‘But, what’s my motivation?’ attitude these actresses pull is what’s killed the horror industry. In any one of the Friday The 13th movies, we could’ve told them girls that it was vital to the plot that they just strip down naked, lube up with Wesson oil and jump on a trampoline. Done! No freakin’ questions, no diva attitude… God, I miss them days.
JA: Wow, could you twist your moustache when you say things like that? It all seems a bit demoralizing - I’d like to think that things have progressed a bit since then.
HD: God, you sound like a pussy, you know that?! I thought you wanted my unique point of view or whatever.
JA: Okay, okay... How about the music aspect – you mentioned the metal connection from the eighties pics. How do the current soundtracks to these genre movies stand up?
HD: The bands are bigger pussies than you are! I mean, look at the band from the movie, Low Shoulder – they’re all a bunch of eyeline wearin’ indie queers. I’m supposed to believe they’d have the sac to sacrifice that girl Jennifer to Satan to further their careers? I’m surprised that they weren’t the ones kissing each other in the trailer.
JA: Yeah, that’s a lovely sentiment. Those guys on your t-shirt - Motley Crue - didn't they wear a bunch of makeup, too?
HD: That's different. They're artists!
JA: Artists who wear blush and spandex - but I guess the cross-dressing look was in back then.
HD: You take that back! Never defile the name of the Crue!

(At this point, Mr. DeSchlong was vacated from the premises after jumping across the table and trying to strangle me with an electrical chord.)

Okay, I’m back. Mr. DeSchlong’s POV was certainly… illuminating. Restraining orders aside, he did have a point about the band in the movie, though – anyone aspiring to the dizzying heights of popularity of Maroon 5 may actually not be the most desirable agents of Satan. But Adam Brody's hilariously tongue-in-cheek take on the role of brooding singer Nikolai, along with the constant repetition of Low Shoulder's "hit" song ("Through The Trees"), provided ongoing gags that garnered quite a few chuckles.

My overall reaction to the film: an amusing ride that provided more belly laughs than skin-crawling visuals. It's similar to the Idle Hands breed of high school hijinks, dark comedy and occasional gore. But in this instance, even the peripheral blood splatter was a bit toned down for an R Rated movie - most of the kill scenes were done in silhouette, reducing the visual impact. Gory without the gore, but funny with plenty of fun. The fact that Cody opted out of the stereotypical horror movie ending (Jennifer jumping back to life, someone else turning evil to carry on the legacy, yadda-yadda-yadda) actually lets us walk out thinking of something other than a possible sequel, which was a big bonus.
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And if you ARE the type of person that needs to take some overall moral away from everything you see, try this one out for Jennifer's Body:

“Being a virgin might get you killed, but pretending to be a virgin will make you a killer. So either way, embrace your inner slut to make the world a better place.”

Not so warm and fuzzy, but what were you expecting...

Newport Folk Fest '09 Highlights - Old News Moves Slowly

2009-09-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Every blogger in the world has brought you the lowlights of that damn VMA show – we GET it, Kanye is a giant douchebag. But is anyone else going to give you a peek into a festival that took place a month and a half ago? I think not! But Juano’s got the goods - here it is kids, everything you never wanted to know about The Newport Folk Festival ’09…

Voted Most Likely To Incite Rebellion: Tom Morello, The Nightwatchman

Okay, I know this guy lost some credibility after he turned into a giant pussy in Audioslave – especially compared to his amazing stint with Rage Against The Machine. But a couple of years ago, Mr. Morello went folk – just him, an acoustic guitar, and the occasional harmonica and stomp box - yet somehow, he’s more of a rock god now than during his heyday. This is his second visit to the Folk Fest, and I think he got the crowd even more fired up this year.

Highlights: He debuted a new song, “Dogs of Tijuana”. But the real standout was his cover of “This Land Is Your Land”, complete with the original final verse that the record companies didn’t want you to hear. He has the kind of stage presence that makes you want to change the world…at least for the 45 minutes of his set. But during that time, if he had asked us to burn the venue to the ground I don’t know if we could have said no. (Now if we could just get that same level of enthusiasm from Mr. Morello on his Nightwatchmen studio albums, we’d have a real movement…)

More Info/Set Download: Check out his whole performance, available for download here thanks to NPR's (National Public Radio's) web site - just look for the download link at the top of the page.
Most Likely To Wax Poetic About Squirrels and Bob Dylan: The Decemberists

Ah, The Decemberists - to define you as prog-folk with a dash of thrash guitar would just pigeonhole you. So we’ll just call you a bunch of weirdos who make great music. The band took a break from their scheduled routine for the Folk Fest’s 50th anniversary – they’ve been performing their epic concept album, The Hazards of Love, in its entirety during this tour. Instead, their set provided us with such faves as “O Valencia!” and “The Crane Wife Pt. 3”. We were also treated to what leading man Colin Meloy referred to as “the worst song I ever wrote” – “Dracula’s Daughter”. C’mon man, don’t be so hard on yourself – it was really funny…oh, it was supposed to be tragic…ahhh.

Highlights: A recreation of Bob Dylan going electric at the ’65 Folk Fest was performed during “A Cautionary Song” by The Decemberists Family Players. To give you an idea of how truly surreal that telling was, a big ol’ squirrel had a key role in this wacky rendition…’nuff said. We were also lucky enough to witness the American debut of two new songs: “Down By The Water” and “Copper Mine Song”. But the biggest treat came from the vocal talents of two of the women touring with the Hazards of Love troupe: Becky Stark (of Lavender Diamond) and Shara Worden (of My Brightest Diamond…huh, kind of a sparkly gem thing going on with these bands). Stark was entrancing backing She & Him at last year’s Folk Fest, and was equally wonderful here. But Worden, as the Queen in the Hazards fable, had one of the most commanding voices I’ve ever heard – the studio version just didn’t do it justice. If you have a chance, SEE The Decemberists before the end of this tour!

More Info/Song Downloads: Check out 3 songs from their phenomenal set here, again from NPR. To check for tour dates, go to the bands page here (they'll be in New York and Vermont this weekend, if you're feeling like a road trip).

The Gillian & David By Any Other Name Award: Gillian Welch and David Rawlings Machine

In Gillian Welch’s band (who played Saturday’s show), David Rawlings plays second banana, and vice versa for David Rawlings Machine (who played on Sunday). Huh. Luckily, they’re both extremely fun and incredibly talented – both with a strong, unique voice that shines through.

Highlights: For Gillian, it was her exhaustion that led to my favorite moment. Announcing that she had been on the road and sleep deprived for WAY too many consecutive hours, she confessed to being a bit delusional. She decided to roll with that feeling and broke into a transcendently hallucinatory cover of “White Rabbit”. She also played one of my faves, “Look At Miss Ohio”.

For David Rawlings Machine…man, it might’ve been his duds. Yeah, the tunes were great, but you should’ve seen this wide pinstriped lavender suit he was wearing - snazzy! But the music was pretty darn good, too – from a cover of Old Crow Medicine Show’s “I Hear Them All” to Bob Dylan’s “Queen Jane Approximately” to the encore of Johnny & June Carter Cash’s “Jackson”, Mr. Rawlings knows how to please.

More Info/Set Downloads: Check out Gillian Welch's set here and David Rawling's Machine's set here.

Most Likely Soundtrack To A Good Old-Fashioned Bloodletting: Tim Eriksen & The Shape Note Singers

Any of us who lived in Western Mass during the early ‘90s probably remembers the band Cordelia’s Dad, who married classic folk stories with a punk soundtrack. That act eventually went mostly acoustic, and now Tim Eriksen has gone even more unplugged. Starting the show solo, surrounded by a variety of traditional instruments, he played a slew of centuries old ditties. He was eventually accompanied by his former Cordelia’s bandmate Peter Irvine on percussion.

Highlights: So where were these Shape Note Singers that were supposed to be with him, I wondered? Well, they came out about halfway through, and they absolutely filled the stage. Shape notes are basically a way of writing music for large groups, each note representing a vocal sound (fa-sol-la-mi). And when sung together (completely a cappella in this case) by such a large congregation that Mr. Eriksen had with him – beyond impressive.

More Info/Set Download: Check out the set here, and for more backstory about shape note singing, check out their page here.

Most Likely To Be Photographed Nude On A Bucking Horse: Ramblin’ Jack Elliott

Okay, so I know that this guy is a bit of a legend. And yes, it was his 78th birthday on the day of the show. And they did make an announcement about no flash photography before the start of the set. But when the guy stopped dead every time some poor schlub with a camera showed up, it made me think less about his musical legacy, and more about C.O.M.S. (Cranky Old Man Syndrome).

Highlight: To his credit, Mr. Elliott made a compromise with all would-be photographers in the audience: if they would stop taking pix during the set, he would let us photograph him in the parking lot, nude on a bucking horse. Y'know, I'm as open-minded about role play as the next guy, but that sounded a bit overindulgent...

Two Acts I Wish I'd Seen More Of: Langhorne Slim & Billy Bragg

I'll file this under: too many stages, too little time. For Langhorne Slim, I was in the wrong tent and only caught the last two songs of their set - but they had the crowd up and dancing. That doesn't seem like that big of a feat, but when you're the first act of the day (starting your show before noon), a lot of people won't give you that kind of attention. I had never heard these guys before, but I'll certainly be looking forward to checking out more.

I've heard Mr. Bragg's studio work in the past, but it's really the silly banter between songs that makes him so entertaining. His comedic rants make his very political messages much more appealing - it seems like Billy and Tom Morello might have a lot to talk about over a frothy pint or two...

More Info/Set Downloads: Luckily for me (and you, as it would seem), NPR posted both full sets. For Langhorne Slim go here, and for Billy Bragg go here.

Oh, And There Were a Few Living Legends, If You're Into That Sort Of Thing...

Being the 50th anniversary and all, they had some acts you may have heard of: Joan Baez, Pete Seeger and Arlo Guthrie to name names. I'm assuming you may already know about these folks though, right?

That's it for now. Maybe next time I can dig up some news that's even more outdated - I'm talking Mesozoic, baby. Fingers crossed!...

Anyone Feeling...Creative?

2009-09-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has met me knows that I like to fancy myself a writer. Anyone who knows me well recognizes that I have the writing SKILLS of a drunken chimp - but that's an entirely different matter.

I'm here once again to ask anyone who's interested to pitch in for my annual blog crossover event in October. The subject: anything spooky, scary or horror-themed. It is October after all, the last day of which is possibly the bestest holiday EVER!;)

"What the hell is this idiot blathering about? What the frak does he want?", you ask. Quite simple.

I want a description of what spooky means to YOU. I want rants/raves about the best/worst horror flicks or Halloween cartoons you've ever seen. I want a list of the perfect Halloween party music EVER. I want crudely drawn pictures of Freddy Krueger in a tutu drawn on a bar napkin. I want a description of why your significant other's addiction to lousy horror movies bugs the crap out of you. Pictures of your best Halloween costumes. As long as it's moderately funny or entertaining, it's in. It would hopefully increase traffic to your site, especially if everyone cross-promotes and provides appropriate links to the materials.

"But I don't have a blog!", you lament.

If you don't, send it my way - I can post some material on mine. I'll even do a little light editing and spell-checking for you, but you'd get full credit (or none if you want a pseudonym). But you could also post it through your MySpace page or as a note on Facebook if you wanted to take more control.

The most important part is that everyone has fun and flexes a creative muscle. I'll accept submissions until October 20th (written works should be limited to 1.5 pages in MS Word).

Please use the information below for contacting me:

el Juano
juanosaddiction@comcast.net

Thanks all - I look forward to checking out what you've got. I'll do my best to review all submissions, and I'll post everything I can...

Verily, ‘Tis A Thor Movie!

2009-08-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

Thor, Norse God of Thunder! One of the most powerful, longhaired hippies of the Marvel Comics universe. And, in the wrong hands, one of the most boring books in that company’s repertoire!

ThorFan52 - Wait, wait, wait - really?! Boring? I mean, even when he got turned into a cute little frog with a tiny little Mjolnir hammer?... Wow, maybe that WAS kinda weak. Dang!

So, why make a Thor movie? Aside from the fact that he's going to be a heavy hitter in the upcoming Avengers movie? Well, this is a great time for Thor fans, given the stellar relunch of the title by comic scribe extraordinaire, J. Michael Straczynski. Plus, we geeks do love our origin stories. But will this be another Iron Man caliber back-story, or possibly more akin to the first Hulk movie? Lord knows I never need to see another gamma-irradiated poodle again to remember the dreck that spawned it. Let’s just hope that Marvel has learned from their recent mistakes…and successes.

Early peeks at the plot have revealed that there will be a lot more of the Asgardian backdrop than many of the fanboys seem comfortable with (for those of you who may not be as fluent in geek speak, Asgard is the home of the Norse gods). A lot of people are griping that they want Thor to immediately be the superhero they remember from their childhood, fighting alongside Captain America and Iron Man to thwart the villain of the month. Well, kids, just remember – Thor got booted down to Earth for being a naughty godling. This movie will focus on some of the reasons he was cast out, and his gradual transition to one of Earth’s greatest heroes. All we can hope for from here is that the comic relief of characters like the Warriors Three won’t morph into the slapstick comedy of the Stooges Three…

So who will be filling the roles? Here are a few of the major cast members:

Thor: Chis Hemsworth

Geek Cred: What, playing James T. Kirk’s daddy (in this year's phenomenal Star Trek reset) isn’t good enough for you? Okay, how about if I tell you he’s in Joss Whedon’s upcoming horror movie, The Cabin In The Woods? Yeah, I thought throwing in the almighty Joss might clinch it.

Will He Suck? I’m going to go with no. His role as George Kirk (albeit short) got me all choked up. And as to ThorFan52’s comment that he looks a little too weenie to play the six-foot-something thunder god – unclench already! Recent pictures look like he’s been bulking up for the role. And haven’t you ever heard of the wonders of CGI? Yeesh…

Jane Foster: Natalie Portman

Who, Now? This was the love interest for Thor’s mortal identity, Dr. Donald Blake. She was originally a nurse, but they're supposedly tweaking the character to update.

Geek Cred: Hello? Princess Amidala? Star Wars I-III? Anyone? Oh yeah, and she was Evey in V for Vendetta…

Will She Suck? Hello? Star Wars I-III…kinda sucked. But we’ll blame most of that on George Lucas’ crappy writing (I believe someone described it as "what might happen if a syphilitic chimp was given a typewriter and some crack") and Hayden Christenson’s “what if Anakin Skywalker was played by a whiney Rocky Balboa” approach to acting. She’ll do fine.

Loki: Tom Hiddleston

Who, Now? Ah, Loki – God of mischief and lies. In the Marvel Comics version of the story, he was the son of a frost giant. Odin, king of the Norse gods (and Thor’s pappy), adopted Loki after killing his father. This character is a great introduction, since in the original Avengers comic he was the big bad that made the team come together…

Geek Cred: Well, one would assume that appearing in a Thor movie might do it, but it’s too early to tell.

Will He Suck? I confess that I’ve never heard of him before this project. But the pictures I’ve seen (no offense, Mr. Hiddleston) make me believe that he could mimic this smarmy baddie with one gauntlet tied behind his back…

Lady Sif: Jessica Biel (rumored)

Who, Now? Thor’s love interest in Asgard – picture a hot woman in armor wielding a sword and kicking your ass. Now go hose down, spanky.

Geek Cred: Do you remember her slow motion walking into your heart as Whistler’s daughter in Blade: Trinity? What? That movie stank like old cabbage? Oh yeah…

Will She Suck? Hopefully not, but I loved Jennifer Garner a lot more before she went and wrecked up Elektra. And me likey Jessica Biel - in a way that’s almost as wildly inappropriate as how most of us still feel when we remember Carrie Fisher in that gold bikini. Aahhh - Lady Sif in a chain mail tube top…

The Walking Dead Shamble Over To AMC

2009-08-18T08:15:00.001-07:00

In an effort to further distance itself from that pesky “American Movie Classics” moniker, AMC has announced plans to adapt Image Comics’ The Walking Dead as a live-action TV show. Frank Darabont, who has directed a pair of Stephen King prison movies (The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile), is set to helm the project. The Dead series (written by Robert Kirkman and illustrated by Charlie Adlard since issue #7) has been around since 2003, and follows a small group of survivors who are trying to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Sounds right up our alley, doesn’t it?

From the beginning, the wonderful thing about this book is that the story has never relied on the gore factor. Its black and white print run has kept the graphic imagery from being over the top, while the plot itself (aside from the obvious) has never been completely horror-driven. It’s more about how people would react given this nightmare set of circumstances, and what they might do to protect their family. At the heart of this band of refugees is the nuclear family unit of Rick Grimes (a small-town police officer from Kentucky), his wife Lori and his son Carl. A lot of the peripheral cast has been ever changing as they meet up with other pockets of survivors, and as they lose people to… well, y’know…brain chompers.

As The Walking Dead pushes past the 64th issue marker (something of a feat for a non-anthology horror book), there will be a wealth of material for the show to delve into. Hopefully AMC will treat this venture with as much respect and attention as they have with Mad Men, and we can all look forward to multiple seasons of undead action…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In related news, NBC has just ordered a pilot script for DC Comics’ Vertigo mini-series Midnight, Mass. The original story follows a husband and wife team, Adam and Julia Kadmons, as they travel the world solving supernatural mysteries. In the book, the monster baddie had a connection to the Kadmons that was slowly revealed. What direction the project will take (if it has any life in it) is too early to tell.

That's it for now, kids. What do you think the odds are of either of these shows having legs? Better than The Middleman? (God I miss that show!) Let me know your thoughts in the comments section...

Sad Announcement From The Beastie Boys' Adam Yauch (MCA)

2009-08-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

It’s crazy that it’s been 23 years since The Beastie Boys dropped Licensed To Ill on our turntables. It’s even harder to believe that those selfsame clownish frat boys evolved into such a positive, grounded influence in the rap community. If you had told me that the trio that used a giant inflatable penis as one of their stage props would eventually be a leading force behind the Tibetan Freedom Concerts… I never would have believed it.

But what’s really tough to wrap your head around is the news that came from The Beastie Boys camp in late July (video below).

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard the announcement that Adam Yauch (better known as MCA) has cancer in his parotid gland and the neighboring lymph node. Scary news, to be sure, but Yauch himself seems pretty optimistic about the outlook. In the video statement he explains that since they detected it fairly early, after surgery and radiation treatment he should be fine. The doctors say that this is very treatable, and he assures the viewers that it won’t affect his vocal cords. He goes on to apologize for having to cancel tour dates and push back the release of their new disc (Hot Sauce Committee, Part 1).

Seriously? Put the album and tour on hold – neither one means a thing if he isn't happy, healthy and 110%. Just focus on getting better, MCA – we’ll all be here waiting when it’s over...

An Official End To My Childhood: R.I.P. John Hughes

2009-08-07T06:51:00.000-07:00

John Hughes, screenwriter extraordinaire and pied piper to a generation of devoted Brat Packers, died from a heart attack while walking in Manhattan yesterday. He was only 59.

Though he has been out of the spotlight since 1994, he left a legacy that touched every teen who grew up watching his movies. At the age of 14, I vividly remember risking life and limb to sneak into my first R-rated movie - The Breakfast Club. What did I get from that experience? Aside from an appreciation for his laugh-til-you-cry sense of humor? Well, as with the rest of his repertoire, I had a list of songs that I needed to hear again and a cathartic feeling that someone else understood how lousy it was to be a teenager. And John Hughes showed us that the most awkward, socially retarded kid could get the girl/boy of their dreams...or possibly create one with a computer and a Barbie doll if all else failed. Hughes understood the pubescent masses better than we could ever have dreamed.

When I went to college, I found that everyone I met had a similar feeling about this wonderful man. We huddled together en masse in tiny dorm rooms to watch Uncle Buck, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Weird Science... and the list could seemingly continue forever.

Thank you, Mr. Hughes - for creating eminently quotable characters, for making us laugh and for keeping warm sentimentality alive. Hopefully you're off on a cloud somewhere doing the Uncle Buck dance and singing "Tweedlee-Dee, Tweedlee-Dee"...

Goodbye Monsoon Summer Playlist

2009-07-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

If you live in the Northeast like I do, you’re probably about as sick of this summer’s striking resemblance to monsoon season as I am. Meanwhile, the meteorologists are all giddy because they get to coin new terms like “gustnado” – small, concentrated tornados that quickly sweep down your street and drop trees on your house while you’re at Home Depot! Sound a little specific? Yeah, that might’ve actually happened to me. I think the meteorologists should just go back to tracking meteors like they did in the old days. I mean what happens when a meteor filled with radioactive alien goop suddenly drops in the ocean and creates a race of giant mutant seahorses while they're off tracking silly things like weather? Hmmm?

But I digress.

The point I had been trying to make: this summer’s weather has sucked. We’re all tired of waking up to gloomy gray skies and sideways rain. Well, I’ve got your solution right here. First, watch a peppy mindless beach movie. No, not Beach Blanket Bingo - I was thinking more along the lines of Psycho Beach Party. Second, I’ve whipped up a little soundtrack to remind us of brighter days. If played loud enough (around 11 on the volume dial should do), these songs may actually scare the clouds away. Just point those speakers right out the windows – the neighbors won’t mind the noise if this works. Let’s give it a shot, shall we…

1. “Rockaway Beach” – The Ramones
2. “Steal My Sunshine” – Len
3. “Ocean Size” – Jane’s Addiction
4. “Surfin’ Cow” – Dead Milkmen
5. “Summer Nights” - Less Than Jake (Yes, it’s a Grease cover)
6. “Porno Getaway” – Seventeen
7. “Island In The Sun” – Weezer
8. “Goin’ Crazy (From The Heat)” – David Lee Roth
9. “Sun King” – The Cult
10. “Badfish” - Sublime

Any other suggestions? You know where the comments section is, kids…

Juano's Back - And Zombie Free For The Last 7 Days

2009-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

I know, I know - no posts for a while. I got called away once again to thin the zombie hordes - this time in a small village in Africa where there was no internet access. Well, unless you count M'Tabe's Java Hut - but they only have one computer and the owner has a fetish for cannibal pygmy porn. You don't even want to know what the screen saver is.

It was a weird outbreak - zombie hippopotamus... hippopotami... hippopotamoose(?)! Ah, hippopotamuses (Thank you dictionary.com). M'Tabe actually got off of PersianPygmy.com long enough to track me down and send me an e-mail for my help. Lord knows I can't turn down anyone being overrun by the undead...whatever form they may take.

It was a long and messy battle, but I'm home now. So many things to catch up on, kids. And to answer Juanofan187's question, no, Michael Jackson is NOT part of the undead horde - but that was a very legitimate concern.

I try to keep a watchful eye on all the dead (and undead) celebs so you don't have to, keeping all your towns brain-biter free. I've missed you guys...

Juano’s Addiction Breaks The Silence To Talk About DRAG ME TO HELL…

2009-06-01T08:04:00.000-07:00

…and how you should NOT go to see it. I’m seriously hoping that the karmic retribution department has tacked on an extra two hours to the end of my life to make up for the time I lost watching it.

Can it really be that bad, you ask? Okay, it may not be THAT bad, but it sure wasn’t good. So why did I even go to see it? Well, once upon a time, before Sam Raimi started wrecking the Spider-Man franchise, he worked on a much more legendary trilogy. True horror fans can quote the Evil Dead flicks verbatim, and Three Stooges fans could equally marvel at the slapstick adventures of Bruce Campbell and company - a wonderfully odd mixture with a delicate balance. Buckets of fake blood, rubber masks, possessed deer heads…ahh, the memories! So, when Drag Me To Hell was touted as “Sam Raimi’s return to horror”, my curiosity was piqued.

In retrospect, seeing the PG-13 rating, I should have fled the theatre. Or I could have just gone to see Star Trek again. But I stuck with my original plan, much to my dismay. Let’s jump right into the problems with this steamer, shall we?

Casting

A huge problem right out of the gate was casting Justin Long (Mac of “Mac and PC” fame) in the straight man role, when he has clearly proven his comedic timing in the past (see Dodgeball or Accepted for proof). Instead, he plays the straight-laced boyfriend to Christine Brown (played by the lovely, if somewhat stiff, Alison Lohman), the girl getting dragged to Hell. I’d hate to have to condemn Justin Long to eternal damnation, but it would’ve been a much better ride getting there. But I do have to say, if you should ever need a crazed old gypsy lady (the shamed Mrs. Ganush) to utter a curse (and possibly try to gum you to death with her dentures out), Lorna Raver is the way to go. The biggest casting mistake, though – no Bruce Campbell. Supposedly, the man with the chin was busy with his TV show (Burn Notice), but damn if he couldn’t have saved this stinker.
Maybe.

Plenty of viscous fluids, but where’s the blood?

We know Raimi likes to use a lot of gooey and messy fluids by the barrel – but for a horror movie, there was a distinct lack of dismemberment, disemboweling and good old-fashioned beheadings (What’s that? Yeah, I already told them it was PG-13. I still expect more chopping, dangit!). Instead, we got Mrs. Ganush’s “productive cough”, the aforementioned denture-free sliming as Christine was nearly gummed alive and the deceased Ganush’s fluid vomit (Was it embalming fluid? Lemonade? Corn liquor? Those crazy Gypsy morticians!). When we DID get to see blood, it came out of Christine’s nose. Granted, it was a humorously twisted spray hose of a nosebleed, but still…

Too many trips to the Evil Dead trick bag

Yes Mr. Raimi, you know that horror fans love our Evil Dead II references – but from you, we were hoping for something new. Instead, we got some carbon copy gags:

1. The laughing, animated objects at the séance – yeah, we remember the scene where they were trying to drive Ash crazy.
2. The Candarian Demons from Evil Dead were silly enough, but the possessed manservant in this film doing a jig while he’s floating… Yikes.
3. The possessed talking goat was the next logical procession of the Candarian mounted deer head, I guess…
4. As a ghoulish Mrs. Ganush tries to kill Christine again, the anvil-on-the-head gag not only ripped off Raimi’s earlier work (this scene could easily have been swapped for the eyeball-in-the-mouth gag from E.D. II), but also stole one of Wile E. Coyote’s trademark moves. Now, if she could’ve just said something like “Someone’s in my fruit cellaaaar!”, the circle would be complete.
5. The Ash-like behavior of Christine at the end, when she switches modes from frightened to pissed-off, is actually fairly humorous. Awww, they even gave her a catch phrase: “I’m gonna get me some!”. (I guess she gets points for looking much better in a wet t-shirt than Bruce Campbell, though…)
6. Ash’s car. Okay, this was actually a pretty funny nod – Mrs. Ganush drives a yellow ’73 Oldsmobile.
7. Numerous references to a "cabin in the woods" left us hoping the film would eventually find its way to Ash's hideaway. Not so much, though...

As a whole, the movie acted like it was taking itself seriously as a horror movie. The problem was, the sight gags became that much more outrageous as a result. The balance that I referred to with the Evil Dead flicks was tipped, and it just became a farce. If you’re going to see this movie, try to get a little drunk first. Then go home and watch Evil Dead II. If Sammy wanted to revisit the franchise, he should’ve created a worthy sibling to its Candarian brethren. Instead, we got the result of a failed inbreeding experiment…

Daddy, What's a CD?

2009-04-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

“Sit down kids, and let me tell you a story. See, there used to be a time when you couldn’t just plug your brainstem into the download port and automatically absorb the music you wanted to hear. We had to go to the local record store and sift through bins of vinyl, racks of cassettes and shelves of CDs to find what we wanted. And sometimes *gasp*… the album we wanted wasn’t in stock.”

“But…I…where was the instant gratification?”

“I know it’s hard to believe – but we actually liked it. A few of us LOVED it. You could go in and look for a Misfits album and discover ten different bands that you NEEDED to hear. And the fanzines and posters and snotty record store workers… I miss being called a poser for picking up the newest Green Day disc. Those record store music nazis gave the verbal equivalent of a swift kick to the nuts – but you came out stronger for it!”

“Daddy, are you on the crackpipe? That sounds like the opposite of fun!”

“Oh kids, you just don’t get it. You’ve missed so much…”

Like human interaction…stacks of used/bargain discs that led to unabashed impulse buying…oversized cardboard cutouts of your favorite rock stars…walls of tie-dyed band shirts from yesteryear…provocative album art that gave you your first near-sex experience. Ah, those were the days. Wait a second, those things still exist!! The flesh-and-blood music scene isn’t as dead as the iGeneration would like you to believe.

Join us in celebrating the indie record store this Saturday (April 18th) – it’s the second annual Record Store Day! What does that mean? Well, this is a way to link up with your fellow music aficionados and spread the word to your friends – but on a nationwide kind of scale. Drag your lazy buddy off the couch, preach the word to your coworkers and tell your family…well, tell them you met a nice girl and you want them to meet her at the record shop. Don’t worry, once they get there, they’ll find all sorts of goodies - like in-store performances by all sorts of exciting bands, and RSD exclusive releases, ranging from limited edition discs/vinyl to t-shirts to “split singles” – vinyl singles with one band on the “A” side and another on the flipside.

More specifics, you say? Fine, here you go:

- Jack White (of White Stripes/Raconteurs fame) is using RSD to unveil his new group, The Dead Weather – they’ve got a two-track exclusive.

- Flight of the Conchords fans will be excited to hear about a 7-inch featuring a couple of unreleased tracks from their HBO show.

- A Tom Waits concert single, "Live from the Glitter and Doom Tour."

- Some of those split singles I talked about earlier? How about Elvis Costello/Jenny Lewis? Or Black Keys/Flaming Lips. Sonic Youth actually has two separate team-ups – one with Beck, the other with Jay Reatard.

So, if you love music (you know you do!), check in with your local record shop. Support the scene and score some cool stuff! If you want a list of participating stores, check here. I know for sure that Turn It Up! (Northampton, MA) is definitely onboard - they're starting the celebration tonight, with local faves The Maggies making a stop before their big show down the road at The Iron Horse later in the evening. WRSI (speaking of local music heroes) will also be on hand to help promote this wonderful event.

Not sure if your fave store is in on the fun? Give them a call! And again, check RecordStoreDay.com for more complete info. Buy it up, people!

(On a sad side note - R.I.P. About Music, Greenfield, MA. You were a wonderful little shop, and provided us with great music for many years. But look for their future web adventures at the relaunch of the About Music web site on May 1st.)

Today Only: Metal Memorabilia Auction

2009-04-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

This is a first on Juano’s Addiction, so bear with us while we work out the kinks. We’ve got a lot of great items on the auction block today, though, and the money’s going to a great cause: The Hair Plug Society For Balding Rockers. Because seriously, not everyone can rock a shiny dome like Rob Halford.

Let’s jump right in here – we have some guests in house to introduce their items, so let’s get to it.

Juano’s Addiction: To start, let’s say hello to Vince Neil of Motley Crue. What do you have in your bag of goodies for us, Vince?
Vince Neil: Don’t call me Vince.
JA: Ummm..okay. What should I call you then? Is Mr. Neil okay?
VN: No. Today I’ll answer to “Grand Poobah”.
JA: Like on The Flintstones – that’s pretty funny! I thought you were serious for a minute…
VN: I’m DEADLY serious you twerp – it’s my title in the UNIVERSE, not from some stupid cartoon!! Whatever, let’s get to the selling!
JA: Fine, fine. What’ve you got for us?
VN: We’re selling our umlauts.
JA: Excuse me?
VN: You know, those stupid little dots we put over the “O” and the “U” in our name. We don’t wanna use ‘em any more. Mick said they make us look a little to faggy and European.
JA: You can’t sell umlauts.
VN: Bullshit. I mean, some new band could use them on their name. Like, if some kids wanted to call themselves “Deathcock”, they could totally stick them over the “A” and the “O” or something. It would rock.
JA: But, stay with me here, couldn’t they just use the umlauts on their own.
VN: Yeah, but these would be Motley Crue umlauts.
JA: Therefore proven NOT to be “European and”... that other derogatory term you used?
VN: Exactly!
JA: I feel like I’m having the “But ours go to 11” conversation. How about you throw in some spandex or something?
VN: How's this? It’s the first mascara I ever used for a gig.
JA: Now we’re talking. Start the bidding, kids…

Juano’s Addiction: Next up is something from Axl Rose of Guns’N’Roses fame. What do you have for us, Mr. Rose? Or do you prefer some other title like Vince did?
Axl Rose: Axl is fine. Or Puffy Bunny Pants, whichever you prefer.
JA: Okaaay. What have you got for us? It looks like…are those prescription bottles?
AR: Yeah, yeah. These are all the meds the docs say I should take to keep me on track. But I stopped taking them years ago, and none the worse for wear right? Wow, your head looks like a giant cheeseburger. It’s a good thing I decided to be a vegetarian this morning. Viva la Buckethead!
JA: Riiiiight, so you know we can’t legally sell these drugs on the internet, right?
AR: Oh, that’s okay Mayor McCheese! There’s no pills in them. But I’ve autographed them all with my paw print, and I’ve marked them with my scent.
JA: Okay, I’m scared to ask…
AR: I put them in the front of my spandex shorts when I go on stage.
JA: Way more info than I needed – but oddly, I’m sure that someone will bid on them.
AR: Burger Man, can I cornrow your hair? You’d look totally cool!
JA: Sorry, I’ve got to keep this auction rolling. But I’m betting Vince would love it.
AR: Nice. Is he the one who looks like a human llama?
JA: I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes…

Juano’s Addiction: This is the final guest that we have time for, and it’s a huge honor. For those of you who know me, you’re aware that this man plays bass for the band who headlined the first concert I ever attended: KISS. Yes, it’s none other than the God of Thunder, the Demon King, the man who was outed as Chaim Witz by none other than Lois Griffin on Family Guy: Gene Simmons!
Gene Simmons: Quite the introduction. But then I AM quite remarkable aren’t I?
JA: Damn straight. What do you have for us?
GS: My first codpiece from the early days. It was horribly uncomfortable, and a little ridiculous – it looked like two beach balls shoved into a trash bag and covered in tin foil.
JA: Ha! Yeah, that must’ve looked pretty unrealistic.
GS: I know – my manhood is at least twice that size, so I figured, why try to hide it?
JA: Right…you scare me a bit.
GS: As it should be. Do you mind if I throw up a couple more items?
JA: Not at all – the more money we can raise for this fantastic cause, the less balding mullets we have to endure.
GS: Great. So I’ve got some color-by-number paintings Petey Criss used to do while we were on tour, a lock of Paul Stanley’s chest hair, and a Chia Pet that Ace grew in his very own back window. Plus, I could probably part with some KISS lunchboxes, KISS throw rugs, anatomically correct KISS blow-up dolls and some lovely KISS thongs for the ladies – these would all be in lots of 100, but I’d only need a twenty percent cut on that.
JA: Ummm…you know ALL the money is going to charity, right?
GS: I better get a little cash. Do you know how pissed Paul’s going to be when he wakes up with a big bald spot on his chest?
JA: Well, if you take Axl along with you, I bet he could cornrow that right back onto him before he misses it.
GS: You think?
JA: I can almost guarantee it.

That’s all we’ve got time for now, kids. Don’t be April Fools, get your bids in now!

1001 Reasons To Strangle The Talking Chin

2009-03-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

I hate you Jay Leno.

Yes, it’s completely irrational. I mean, granted, I’ve never thought you were all that funny. In fact, you have actually annoyed me at your inability to make me laugh coupled with the fact that your chin looks like it was grown in a lab using steroids and ape DNA. But none of that has ever actually affected me until now.

So, what is it that you’ve done? Well, your shift to prime time TV next fall is a move into my friends’ neighborhood. Suddenly there are 5 less spots for my buddies to live, since you took up so much space. Chuck’s job at the Buy More barely covers rent, and do you think Morgan’s got any money to lend him? Or the DuBois family – Alison’s psychic abilities sure didn’t detect this kind of betrayal. Thanks a lot, pal – you couldn’t have just found a nice retirement home for late night hosts?!

Okay, realistically, I know it’s not Jay Leno’s fault. But he’s a good face to attach my anger to. After all, I don’t even know what Jeff Zucker (chief executive of NBC Universal) looks like, so I can’t even shake a fist in his general direction. What has Mr. Zucker done, you ask? Well, he’s the one who wooed Leno into the 10 p.m. time slot in a bid to both retain his audience and keep Jay himself from jumping boat to a competing network. It makes financial sense – a “Tonight Show v. 2.0” is a guarantee to hard-to-please advertisers, and it’s much cheaper to produce than a scripted drama. But when late night shows start bleeding into prime time, it begs the question – how many do we really need?

The even bigger quandary: what happens to the current scripted landscape? E.R. is taking its final bow this year, so at least that’s one less headache. And despite denials from Knight Rider’s show runners, I think we can safely start planning the funeral for that clunker as well. Plus, sadly, Life never got the push that it deserved, leaving Charlie Crews and Co. on the seriously endangered list as well. But the most surprising exit possibility would come from one of the “Must See TV” comedies. My Name Is Earl hits local syndication next year, and unless it gets cheaper to produce/license, it could be left on the chopping block with the atrocious Kath & Kim.

And NBC has already attempted some cost-cutting measures this season by sharing production costs of Friday Night Lights with DirecTV (and letting them air the episodes first), which staved off cancellation for one year. But unless DirecTV agrees to pick up even more of the tab next season, FNL might be a goner as well. Similarly, we’ve seen some of the 500 or so Law & Order titles migrating to the USA network (which, along with the SciFi Channel, is also owned by NBC Universal) to chop the budget, so another L & O move wouldn’t be shocking.

Which leaves shows like Chuck and Medium scrambling for any remaining slots. Mr. Zucker, if you’re reading this I’ll give you a hint: pick up Chuck. Vastly entertaining, wonderful cast, a blend of action and comedy that just WORKS. You gave it a chance picking it up for a full order before this season started – now just stick with that gut feeling. Promo the hell out of it, and let other people fall in love with this underrated gem. Start selling merchandise - hell, I'd chip in for a Chuck lunchbox, a Nerd Herd VW Matchbox car or some Intersect Underoos! I do love Medium, but I’m hoping that CBS (who produces the show) would pick it up on their own network (which they’ve threatened to do every year). I’d love to see both back, but that may mean I’d have to strangle the talking chin to free up some air time.

Damn you, Jay Leno!

If it would save Life too, I’d choke the monologue out of him right now. I bet I could get Conan O'Brien on-board for this plan...

Happy Friday The 13th!

2009-03-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! Two Friday the 13ths in a row? Crazy! I've got my hockey mask on again, how about you?

I know it's been a while, but it's taken a while to clean up after the bloodbath from Mr. Voorhees' appearance last month. And I've had to duck visits from that crazed half-pint from the Leprechaun movies. He's been bugging me to come up with Friday the 13th/St. Paddy's Day crossover soundtrack, but I'm just not feeling it. Plus, everytime I've ever met with him he's started gnawing on my ankle. Crap, I think I hear him scratching outside. I'll leave you with a quick list of some of the things that I've been musing about while I've been away. You may just hear more about them in the future:

-Ah, beer. The great equalizer. Kid Rock's "Beer Bailout" of a Michigan-based brewing company just seems appropriate in these tough times.

-I've been a bit sad/mad/annoyed that No Doubt didn't consult me when setting the ticket prices for their latest tour. I just don't have a spare kidney to sell to see these kids...

-Is iTunes' digital watermarking as frightening to everyone else? It just seems a bit too Big Brother-esque to me.

-Am I wrong to have fully enjoyed the Watchmen movie? Critics say I'm a fool, but I overrule that verdict!

-Who's stoked that Michael Cera finally signed on for the Arrested Development movie? It just wouldn't be a Bluth family reunion without him!

-Coraline may have been the most visually stunning movie I've seen in ages, and fun to boot.

-The ABC TV network is staffed by a bunch of poopyheads! Strong language to be sure, but really - cancelling Pushing Daisies and Eli Stone without (possibly EVER) airing the final episodes, and then the final blow of ending (my new fave) Life On Mars?! I say again - POOPYHEADS!

And oh, there's more up in this noggin of mine - now, to just have the time to write it all down... Quiet, it's that creepy shamrock shaker again! I'll be back soon...

Link To The 2009 Oscar Winners List

2009-02-23T06:11:00.000-08:00

Looking for a quick list of last night's winners? Just check out Variety's list here.

You're welcome.

Saturday the 14th - Your Bloody VD Soundtrack

2009-02-13T08:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, you don’t often get this convergence of events – Friday the 13th followed by Valentine’s Day. This unique event deserves a special kind of soundtrack, and I’m giddy with excitement – Jason Voorhees, the masked master of mayhem, the man who’s single-handedly kept Ginsu knives in production, has come into the studio to help us. He’s plugging the release of his bio pic (Friday the 13th, in theatres today), and helping us spin some tracks for your Valentine's sweeties.

Jason, do you have anything to say to our listeners before we get started?

“…..*uhhh-nuh-*…..”

Ooookeedokey, the silent type, hmmm? How ‘bout you just point that machete at whatever disc you want? No, wait – not at her. C’mon, Jeanette’s my new assistant!! Really, machete to the back of the head? How original – isn’t that how you killed Kevin Bacon back in the day?!

“…Muh-mah…”

Oh right, it was your mom. Whatever, we’re through. It’s going to take the cleanup crew forever to get rid of all this blood.

“…um sah-rah…”

It’s a little late for you to be sorry now! It’s a good thing you picked out a few songs before this whole mess started. Here’s Jason’s list, people – enjoy.

1. “Die, Die My Darling” – The Misfits
2. “My Love Is Like A Tire Iron” – Ted Nugent
3. “Poison Heart” – Coffin Caddies
4. “Blood, Sex and Booze” – Green Day
5. “Sex & Dying In High Society” – X
6. “Love Is a Fist” – Mr. Bungle
7. “Beat Your Heart Out” – The Distillers
8. “Only Women Bleed” – Alice Cooper
9. “Drivin’ Thru My Heart” – The Donnas
10. “Love You To Death” – Type O Negative
11. “Stabbed In The Heart” – Damone
12. “Kiss Me Deadly” – Lita Ford
13. “Evil Love” – Meat Puppets
14. “Breaking Up The Girl” – Garbage

So what songs did this hockey goalie reject forget? You know where the comments section is

Mourning Lux Interior, Cramps Frontman and Father of Psychobilly

2009-02-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

Lux Interior (born Eric Lee Purkhiser), frontman for the seminal punk/psychobilly band The Cramps, died February 4th from an existing heart condition. He was 62.

Who were The Cramps, you ask? Well, during the CBGB punk heyday – while bands like The Ramones were trying to figure out how to make things louder and faster – The Cramps were slowing things down and getting freakier. They mined the musical riches of ‘50s rockabilly and ‘60s garage rock, then added a generous dollop of sci-fi/horror b-movie schlock and psychosexual tension.

For horror enthusiasts, we were happy to see The Cramps' influence come full circle when they contributed songs to the soundtracks to some classic ‘80s trash. They provided “The Surfin’ Dead” to Return of the Living Dead, added a bit of “Fever” to Near Dark and oozed some “Goo Goo Muck” into Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.

And to top it all off, Lux showed us that a living zombie could pull off a vinyl bodysuit and high heels with style. His microphone-swallowing, generally insane stage antics led to a whole new generation of followers, and a slew of musical descendents trying to emulate The Cramps' sound. But no one will ever top the original. I hope the afterlife is ready for him.

Anyone wishing to pay their respects has been asked to donate to Lux’s favorite charity, Best Friends Animal Society. (Click here for their web site.)

Links To The Grammy Winners

2009-02-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

Again, you know how I feel about dredging through search results just to find the list of winners. Well, here are two of the lists of Grammy winners. The first (click here) is a complete listing, right down to best Zydeco album - but it doesn't list what the other nominees in each category were. The second list (click here) is the short list of popular categories, but it does include the other nominees.

Quick thoughts:

-Why the hell Robert Plant & Alison Krauss took so many awards eludes me as much as why people still care about the Grammys as a whole. "Please Read The Letter" seemed like little more than a repetitive deep cut when I first heard it, and it got more annoying with time.

-I was happy to see that Metallica won the Metal Performance category ("My Apocalypse"), but I almost wonder if they just give the award to them every year now after the whole Jethro Tull debacle in 1989.

-I would have liked to see Rob Zombie win the Hard Rock Performance award ("Lords of Salem"), but such is life.

- I was happily surprised to see Zappa Plays Zappa take the award for Rock Instrumental Performance ("Peaches En Regalia").

How Bob Dylan Stole My Mojo

2009-01-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

I blame Dylan.

No, not the one from the title, my BEST FRIEND Dylan (although he is named after Mr. Zimmerman’s alter ego). We were meeting for lunch and I arrived first, meaning that while I was waiting I had to resort to my favorite public pastime – eavesdropping. I find other peoples’ conversations to be fascinating, even when it’s utter drivel. What would I say if I inserted myself into the repartee? What if a giant monster suddenly burst through the ceiling, who would run first? And what would the entire back-and-forth sound like if it was a Monty Python skit? (This last one also works incredibly well when reading Shakespeare, I might add.)

But the crowd at this little brewpub changed the game for me. Their conversation topics were fairly boring and predictable – Obama, politics, lagging economy, blah-blah-blah. Maybe a nap would make better use of my time, I thought. But then one woman started talking about music, so I tuned back in. She was telling the story of “This Bob Dylan character (which was said as if there were air quotes around his name, like he was an actual fictitious character) from back during the Vietnam War. He was this folk rock activist type who protested the war. Kind of an acquired taste – he sounded like (mocking/ impersonating Dylan) “De ansah mah fren, ees blowen inna wind”. And everyone laughed.

The ridiculous imitation wasn’t what set me off – I actually chuckled a bit. It was the fact that at this table of six, not one person said what I was thinking: “Duh, everyone knows who Bob Dylan is. But please, continue.” They all reacted as if this woman had pulled an obscure character from an ancient text for her tale, with a chorus of “Oh, really?”, “Who’s that, again? and “Me like beer!” ringing out from her companions (okay, that last one might’ve just been in my head, but still – c’mon!).

And there it was. A relatively intelligent-sounding group of twenty-somethings using Mr. Dylan as a historical allegory. Suddenly, the only voice I heard was in my own head, saying: “Holy crap, when did I get old?!” And just like that, my mind was thrown into a maelstrom of connecting thoughts:

- There was the time I was at work singing “Conjuction Junction”, and a girl asked what song it was. I told her it was a Schoolhouse Rock classic, assuming that it would need no more explanation. Now I can see that the befuddled look on her face was silently pleading: “Tell me more, Grampa!”. Arrggh!

- Or just yesterday, when a friend asked a question on my Facebook page, and I just couldn’t figure out how to reply. He explained to me that you don’t just respond to the one person, you put the answer up for everyone to see. “But what about privacy?”, I wondered? In a generation that collects “friends” like we used to do with trading cards, doesn’t that open up your conversations to a plethora of virtual eavesdroppers? (Although I guess I’m not the one to be pointing fingers about eavesdropping, hmmm?) I mean, yes, I know that Prince Harry got dumped on Facebook, but do I want Prince Harry to know what superhero I’d be according to my quiz results? (The Flash, in case you’re curious.)

Okay, so a table full of pretentious know-it-alls made me feel Yoda old (Episode V Yoda, not that jumping-around-CGI youngster), but I’m sure I’m still hip, right? After all, I’ve got this cool blog. What? So does your Grandma?

Crap…

What's New On Tube - Winter 2009 - Part 2

2009-01-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

Here are the rest of the midseason replacements, by date:

*Means Brand Spanking New Shows

Sunday, Jan. 25 & Monday, Jan. 26

The Last Templar (NBC) – A good, old-fashioned mini-series event! This one follows Manhattan archaeologist Tess Chaykin (Mira Sorvino) and FBI agent Sean Daley (Scott Foley) as they delve into the secret world of the medieval Knights Templar. The cast is rounded out by Victor Garber (Eli Stone, Alias) as a high-placed Vatican envoy, and Omar Shariff (Doctor Zhivago, Lawrence of Arabia) as a Greek savant who comes to the rescue of Tess and Sean after a shipwreck. Does the whole thing sound a bit Da Vinci Code to you? That may be, but it’s a helluva cast and I’m a TV whore – come watch with me, won’t you?…

Monday, Feb. 2

Medium (NBC) – Ah, familiarity. Every year, NBC has thought about scrapping this gem and replacing it. This year, they tried out My Own Worst Enemy in its time slot, and we saw how well that worked. This is a fun drama about family life and… oh yeah, Patricia Arquette plays a psychic who works for the D.A. solving crimes. And her daughters are coming into the family business, getting psychic flashes in their dreams. I’ve got a vision myself – NBC…won’t be…so stupid...about trying to ditch this show anymore. Yay!

Wednesday, Feb. 11

Important Things with Demetri Martin (Comedy Central) – If you haven’t checked out this comedian yet, his stand-up special “Person” (on DVD) is a good crash course. It should give you a glimpse into Martin’s world of straight-faced comedic delivery (the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the great Steven Wright), music and art. Or you may recognize him as a correspondant on The Daily Show, with his Trendspotting segment. Either way, this new show should be a Chappelle Show-esque blending of stand-up routines and pre-recorded skits. Somehow, though, I doubt the phrase “I’m Demetri Martin, bitch!” will ever be uttered…

Friday, Feb. 13

*Dollhouse (Fox) – Joss Whedon. Eliza Dushku. For most of us geeks, those two reasons are more than enough. But there was a bit of work stoppage on production to retool some scripts, and suddenly everyone’s a naysayer. And the Friday nights on Fox timeslot certainly brings back bad memories of Firefly’s early demise, especially premiering on a Friday the 13th. But how ‘bout we give the show a chance before we assume it’s already canceled, hmmm? The Dollhouse is a secret organization that rents out operatives whose minds have been wiped clean so that they could be imprinted with whatever personality the mission requires. And you will watch and tell Fox that you love it. Just do it – so sayeth Joss. Amen!

Terminator (Fox) – Okay, this isn’t a mid-season show, but it is a new night – to pair it with the more suitable sci-fi themed Dollhouse.

Monday, March 9

*Castle (ABC) – The incomparable Nathan Fillion (Firefly, Drive) plays lead character Richard Castle, a successful murder-mystery writer. He is called in to help NYPD homicide when a killer starts copying murders described in Castle’s books.

Sunday, March 15

*Kings (NBC) – Ian McShane (Deadwood) stars in this modern re-imagining of the biblical story of King David. Here, David Shepherd (Christopher Egan) is a soldier who rescues the king’s son from enemy territory, setting events in motion to eventually bring peace. David becomes something of a celebrity, gaining the attention of many a young lady’s eye (including, of course, the king’s daughter). He gets swept up into this world of politics, hero-worship and questioned loyalties, wondering if he’s the man everyone wants him to be.

Tuesday, March 17

Reaper (CW) – Okay, everyone knows I’m cuckoo for this show, but seriously people – WATCH REAPER! It’s one of the most funny, original shows in years, and the cast works phenomenally well together. And check this out – it premieres on St. Paddy’s day! So even if you go to bed drunk and wake up in the morning with a little Reaper on your Tivo, no one has to know. And for those of you who have been watching, the second season is a short 13 episodes long, - so what do we have to look forward to? Well, hopefully we’ll find out how Sam’s dad survived the getting-buried-alive thing. And we’ll find out if Sam is actually the Devil’s bouncing baby boy. Oh, and we’ll be introduced to Morgan – who is DEFINITELY a spawn of you-know-who. Oh, and there will be enough viewers to ensure a season 3 – nudge-nudge, wink-wink…

Tuesday, March 24

*Cupid (ABC) – 10 years ago, Rob Thomas (creator of Veronica Mars) had an amazingly cute and quirky show featuring a little-known actor by the name of Jeremy Piven as Trevor Hale. Hale’s problem was the delusion that he was actually Cupid, sent to Earth in mortal form with the task of matching 100 couples without the aid of magic. The show used a weekly therapy session (with the lovely Paula Marshall as his shrink) to tackle his supposed problem. The underlying question, though, (which never got answered due to the series’ early cancellation) was whether or not he actually WAS Cupid. In 2009, Rob Thomas gets a mulligan, launching version 2.0 with Bobby Cannavale assuming the title role - and hopefully he’ll get more closure than Mr. Piven did…

Wednesday, April 8

*The Unusuals (ABC) – A funny cop show produced by Dennis Leary… is it the sequel to The Job? No? Well, if it’s half as funny, it’ll be worth a watch. Detective Casey Schraeger (Joan of Arcadia’s Amber Tamblyn) gets moved from vice to homicide because she’s an honest cop who could be trusted. But when everyone on the new squad has their own wacky secrets, hijinks ensue. Harold Perrineau (Michael from Lost) plays another member of this police farce...

Thursday, April 9

*Harper's Island (CBS) – They’re billing it as “A 13-episode mystery event!” It follows the adventures of a wedding party on an isolated island outside Seattle – an island that just happened to have a string of unsolved murders seven years prior. Now they try to survive while the killer’s back to his old tricks – I’m guessing about a murder a week. That’s why I’m having MY wedding at the beautiful Crystal Lake Resort. Yikes…

March (No firm release date yet)

*The Penguins of Madagascar (Nickelodeon) – I haven’t seen the 2nd Madagascar film yet, but if asked what the best part of the first flick was? Definitely the homicidal mercenary antics of the penguins. Will giving them their own show be too much of a good thing? Let’s hope their mischievous ways continue to keep us laughing.

That's all for now - check back soon for more useless knowledge!

Ricardo Montalban: Another Star Fades

2009-01-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

Beloved actor Ricardo Montalban died in his home this week at the age of 88.

One of the first Mexican-born actors to make it big in Hollywood, his early roles for MGM in the '40s and '50s were mainly as the "Latin lover" character because of his charm and good looks. And his career flourished over the years, landing him a variety of wonderful roles.

But most of us fondly remember him for two reasons:

1. As the man who welcomed us weekly to an amazing getaway called Fantasy Island, where Tattoo would announce incoming planes and guests would live out their acid-trip fantasies.

and

2. As Khan Noonien Singh, the superman who made James Kirk of the Starship Enterprise (Star Trek) so enraged that all he could shout was the single syllable: KHAN!!!

Both of those roles have engrained themselves permanently into our memories, and have become pop culture legend. Mr. Montalban will be missed.

Top Album Picks Of 2008 - Stylishly Late Or Laziness Embodied, You Be The Judge!

2009-01-12T08:25:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I got caught up in reading everyone else's Best of '08 lists and forgot to post my own. Since nobody reads this thing anyway, I figured I'd just give you my opinions now - and I'm not trimming the thing down to 10, either. Luck be damned, we're going for the Top 13!

1. She & Him – Volume 1 – I’ve talked up this band before, but this pairing of the actress (Zooey Deschanel) and the hipster (M Ward) couldn’t be better. A mixture of timeless music, catchy rhythms and sweetly fractured vocals made this an utterly enjoyable album from beginning to end. Radio might’ve played the singles to death, but that doesn’t make “This Is Not A Test” or “Why Do You Let Me Stay Here” any less remarkable.

2. Foxboro Hot Tubs – Stop, Drop and Roll!!! – Yes, it’s the Green Day side project that had the vintage garage rock sound. Yes, a lot of the guitar and beats sound recycled. But the disc was still a ridiculous amount of fun, so stop your nitpicking.

3. Thao with The Get Down Stay Down – We Brave Bee Stings and All – Thao’s unusual vocal delivery and odd song structures made this one stand out from the pack. And the fact she’s a spitfire on stage doesn’t hurt. Whether singing about a "Bag of Hammers" or water safety ("Swimming Pool"), this offbeat chanteuse had me hooked.

4. Jenny Lewis – Acid Tongue – The headmistress for Rilo Kiley does another solo disc, this time without any assistance from The Watson Twins. And it looks like she does just fine on her own. Okay, sure, the backup from Elvis Costello on hit single “Carpetbaggers” certainly wasn’t a hindrance…

5. Gnarls Barkley – The Odd Couple – An odd coupling indeed, but one of the best musical collaborations we could have hoped for – rapper Cee-Lo and producer/multi-instrumentalist Danger Mouse mix old school funk and soul beats with electronica for a tasty stew. “Run” and “Going On” are the tracks that got beaten into the ground, but the ground was pretty happy about it in the long run.

6. Mindless Self Indulgence – If – (For the full review, check here.) These potty-mouthed, self-deprecating assholes just keep making me love them more. Their mix of punk and techno make their tales of limp penises (“Get It Up”) and Beatles killers (“Mark David Chapman”) oddly danceable. Don’t fight it!

7. Weezer – Weezer (better known as The Red Album) – What can you guess about a band that can release a single entitled “Pork and Beans” and have it become a huge hit? That they’re a bunch of silly-heads who know how to write a great guitar hook? Yeah, that’s a big part of it. But the fact that these alt-pop-punk rock weirdoes are still going strong keeps me (and quite a few Rivers Cuomo-philes) laughing at their wink-and-nod craziness. The fact that they’re experimenting with new songs on their sixth disc just makes them more interesting.

8. Ben Folds – Way To Normal – Okay, there’s the ever-familiar sound of Ben Folds singing while pounding those ivories. But you know what he unpacked this time out? Some new beats. Don’t believe me? Well, if you haven’t already picked up this disc, Exhibit A would be lead single “You Don’t Know Me” (featuring fantastic guest vocals from Regina Spektor) – vocal harmonies compounded by a funky backbeat and, well… great songwriting. Check it out, already!

9. Conor Oberst – Conor Oberst – A few years back, I would’ve told you I just didn’t get the attraction of the whole Bright Eyes phenomenon. Yeah, he was some kind of alt-folk- rock prodigy, pumping out the discs, but why should I care? But the more I listened, the more I liked. Suddenly, Oberst’s first solo disc is on my tops list – who knew? But with such an amazing collection of songs – including my fave “I Don’t Want To Die (In A Hospital)” and lead single “Sausalito” – I can no longer deny how dang cool he is...

10. Jesus H. Christ & the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse – Happier Than You – This 8-piece out of New York describe themselves as a “rock/pop/metal/psychedelic/ cabaret” band. However you classify them, though, they are amazingly talented musicians who have an absurdist sense of humor – and the mix blends surprisingly well. Whether singing odes to hot secretaries (“Liz The Hot Receptionist”) or listing off the local drunks (“Alcoholics In My Town”), the male/female vocal duo smashes through every notion you could have about them turning in any serious works – and you’ll love them all the more for it.

11. Flogging Molly – Float – These Irish-American punks conjure up another fantastically bawdy soundtrack to a drunken brawl. Although the subject matter takes a decidedly darker turn, the disc is still one of the most lively of 2008.

12. Ryan Adams and the Cardinals – Cardinology – What the… Only one album from the prolific Adams in 2008? Am I seeing that correctly. Wow. But what a disc, punctuated with the exclamation point of a single like “Fix It”. Now if we could just get Mr. Adams to stop TALKING about consummating his love for the Cardinals by taking his name out of the band title and actually doing it…

13. Metallica – Death Magnetic – Until the disc came out, I had big doubts. Let’s face it, James Hetfield had turned into little more than a heavy metal crooner, making it sound like some kind of horribly themed opera – and that way only leads to crap like Creed, my friends. But Death Magnetic was their way to thumb their nose at their critics and tell us how much they can still rock out with their hoohadilly out.

That's it for now. Care to share your favorites? You know where the comments section is. I'll be back later this week with part 2 of the winter TV premieres. Have fun 'til then!

What's New On Tube - Winter 2009 - Part 1

2009-01-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

Hey kids - here's the January releases for new TV by date:

*Means Brand Spanking New Shows

Already Started

*Leverage (TNT) – I’ve gotta say, TNT is really coming into its own with the original dramas. This one is the story of Nate Ford (Timothy Hutton), a man who lived on the right side of the law for so long that he eventually got screwed. Now, he does good things with bad people – a team comprised of a thief, a tech geek, a grifter and… someone who excels at beating the crap out of people. Ford finds jobs where people have been swindled, and the crew find innovative ways to get back what’s been taken from them. The parallels to Robin Hood are obvious, but the blend of humor and wit make this one of TV’s best new shows.

Monday, Jan. 5

Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) – So, you’re wondering what Molly Ringwald has been up to since the ‘80s? Or maybe what John Schneider has been doing since they killed him off of Smallville? You can find them both in this show, I can tell you that much. This is the “Holy crap, I only had sex once, how-the-hell-am-I-pregnant?!” teen drama, for those of you who haven’t been paying attention.

Tuesday, Jan. 6

Scrubs (ABC) – For those of you paying attention, yes it’s on ABC not NBC. Courtney Cox leads the guest star parade as she takes Bob Kelso’s old job. And it already looks like ABC’s giving this show better treatment than NBC did – they’re actually airing commercials. Wacky!

Nip/Tuck (FX) – What are those nutty plastic surgeons up to these days? I’m betting there’s a lot of blood, shocking sex and spider monkeys involved, that’s for sure. What, no spider monkeys? And I was all set to start watching again, thanks for ruining it for me…

Wednesday, Jan. 7

Damages (FX) – Glenn Close plays a tough lawyer willing to do nearly anything to win a case (do we remember the poochicide, anyone?). She’s finished kicking Ted Danson’s ass, so I wonder who’s up next?

Friday, Jan. 9

Flashpoint (CBS) – I don’t know what’s more unbelievable – that this bland, generic cop drama made it to season two after being a summer fill-in last year, or that TV still hasn’t found a decent post-Veronica Mars vehicle for Enrico Colantoni (Papa Mars himself). Someone must like it, though…

Monk (USA) – Tony Shalhoub’s OCD detecive returns for the tail end of season 7. Enjoy the show while you can – the eighth and final season kicks off its run next summer. While this show has never been at the top of my list, it has remained consistently funny and entertaining. Hopefully in the final batch, they will let Monk solve Trudy’s murder mystery…

Psych (USA) – Following the adventures of Shawn and Gus of the Psych detective agency (Shawn has a photographic memory and hyper-attentive detection skills, making him a great fake psychic) as they solve cases with the police, people have criticized this show for becoming too silly. As I recall, the show bordered on slapstick from the beginning, and if you’re getting laughs keep it up. (Oddly, Shawn has no relation to Patrick Jane on The Mentalist…

Sunday, Jan. 11

24 (Fox) – Oh YEAH! Jack Bauer’s back to kick some terrorist booty in this first night in the 2-day (Monday night is it’s normal home), 4-hour premiere event. In the seventh 24-hour catastrophe in Jack’s world you’ve got to wonder what kind of bad luck he’s got – and if he ever sleeps. (I’m pretty sure this time it’s an Iraqi plot to destroy America with Radioactive Hamsters – without black belts…)

Monday, Jan. 12

Kyle XY (ABC Family) – The further adventure of the boy with no belly button! With Amanda kidnapped after the prom, how will Kyle rescue her from the villainous Latnok group? I guess we’ll have to find out together. And if you haven’t checked out this sci-fi/adventure/ family show because you’re wary of ABC Family’s ability to create original programming, I’m giving this one a huge seal of approval.

Thursday, Jan. 15

*The Beast (A & E) – Fresh out of his recovery from treatment for pancreatic cancer, Patrick Swayze stars as FBI agent Charles Baker. His offbeat tactics have made him a target for I.A., but that doesn’t stop him from training new partner Ellis Dove (Travis Fimmel, of the short-lived Tarzan on the WB).

Friday, Jan. 16

Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi) – One of the finest hours of drama on TV (sci-fi or otherwise) begins its final batch. Producers promise a lot of revelations – and I’m guessing a liberal dosage of the word “frak” (my favorite fake swear-word since “Drokk” from Judge Dredd or “Gorram” from Firefly). This show’s innovative visuals and intricate storytelling will be greatly missed.

Friday Night Lights (NBC) – This show already aired its third season for those of you who have DirecTV, but for the rest of us we start now. And while a shortened season is better than none, I really hope that the loss of Jason Street and “Smash” Williams from series regulars doesn’t impair the team dynamic. From what I’ve heard, though, FNL is still at its best. And don’t despair if you’re not a football fan – most of the drama takes place off the field…

Wednesday, Jan. 21

*Lie to Me (Fox) – Tim Roth (Pulp Fiction, The Incredible Hulk) plays Dr. Cal Lightman, who is a human lie detector. He and his team of behavioral scientists are the Lightman group, and they know when you’re lying, Steve. Yes, you. They know what happened with that ostrich in eighth grade. Just let it out.

Lost (ABC) – Starting with the always-handy recap episode, we then get a two-hour season premiere full of flashbacks, flash-forwards and The Oceanic Six trying to get BACK TO the island. Life is always greener, eh? Prepare to be wowed while scratching your head and screaming “What the frak?!” a lot.

Thursday, Jan. 22

Burn Notice (USA) – Michael Weston (Jeffrey Donovan) received a “Burn Notice” – which, for spies, is essentially a pink slip, but with more identity erasure and shooting. If you haven’t been watching…start. Donovan plays smarmy incredibly well, and the rest of the cast play their parts equally perfectly - including the iconic Bruce Campbell as a freeloader with FBI contacts, the lovely Gabrielle Anwar as a tough gun runner (and Michael’s occasional romantic squeeze) and Sharon Gless as Michael’s wonderfully clichéd Miami mom. Watch…this…show!

Friday, Jan 23

*The Electric Company (PBS) – “Hey you guuuuuuys!” - guess what’s been revamped and is making a comeback? Loved this as a kid, so it’s got a lot to live up to for a new generation… except for the campy Spidey bits. They were always a bit disappointing – I mean, was he a mute? Slightly slow? Poor webhead looked like he needed a helmet…

Monday, Jan. 26

The Closer (TNT) – Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson (Kyra Sedgwick) and her gang are back in TNT’s flagship drama show. Between the cliffhanger from last season (fading to black while Detective Sanchez had been shot and Brenda was ordering him to breathe) and the new promos questioning whether or not Brenda and Fritz’s wedding will end with an “I do”, I can’t wait much longer. So let’s get this party started – thank you so muuuch!

*Trust Me (TNT) – The creators and exec producers of The Closer bring you this tale of the goings-on inside a Chicago advertising agency. Mason (Eric McCormack - Will & Grace) and Conner (Tom Cavanagh - Ed) are best friends – at least until Mason is promoted above Conner. A little brotherly competition never hurt anyone, though. What’s that? Cain and Abel? Oh, right…

For February releases (and beyond), check back soon!

Top 10 Reasons The Mullet Comb-Over Rocked In 2008 – The Metal Albums

2009-01-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

Remember the eighties? No, not the folks down at the retirement home, the NINETEEN-80’s. What’s that? Too much blow? Only vague memories of Deloreans, Rubik’s Cubes and hair sprayed up about three feet high? That’s fine – most people have repressed that decade equally well. But one thing that was huge was Heavy Metal (pronounced meht-Al, and accompanied by Devil Horns – which really just looks like Spider-Man’s hand when he’s shooting a web, but upright. For emphasis, bang your head a bit. Yup, you’ve got it.)

And did you know that, at one point, there was a version of the mullet that was not ironic – it’s true, I swear. That’s just how you grew it, and dammit if I didn’t rock that ‘do. And I used to take my mullet out to visit his friends at these meht-AL shows (are you rocking the Devil Horns? I knew it!) all over the great state of Massachusetts. I saw hair bands from across the U.S., and some imports from other lands. Men Criscoed themselves into the tightest denim, and they helped their fair ladies into their Spandex with a shoehorn/crowbar combination. And then we banged our heads in a unison that hasn’t been seen since.

Until now.

Yes, in my search for the best albums of 2008, I stumbled upon an alarming number of new releases from the old hair squad. I mean, I knew about the overhyped ones: Metallica, “Guns’n’Roses” and AC/DC (Mini-reviews, in order: Solid disc, Really, we waited 10 years for this and Holy crap, their songs STILL all sound the same). But the fact that there were enough other CDs out there to populate a Top 10 List – Oh yeah, that’s the stuff!

Devil Horns Held High – The Metal Discs of 2008

1. Judas Priest – Nostradamus – For their 16th studio release, Priest (now with most of the original lineup intact) decided to do their first concept album based on the 16th century prophet. And what good timing - this was the year Nostradamus predicted that a black man would take office and a man with corn rows would get us all a Dr. Pepper. Crazy!
2. Tesla – Forever More – Okay, most people know these guys for their cover of “Signs” ("long-haired freaky people need not apply”), but they were a solid band for the time. This is the band’s 7th studio disc, and the 1st with new guitarist Dave Rude.
3. Motley Crue – Saints of Los Angeles – Yes, the original lineup is together – whoopee! But maybe the record company should have considered the fact that John Corabi (who took over vocals for Vince Neil) wasn’t such a bad fit, and at least the music sounded fresh. The lead single from this disc sounded like they had just thrown “Girls, Girls, Girls” and “Dr. Feelgood” in the blender to recycle. Plus, with Neil’s Twinkie intake on the rise, how long will it be before they have to cart him onstage with a forklift?
4. Dokken – Lightning Strikes Again – With only Don Dokken (vocals) and Mick Brown (drums) left, it’s only “Dead man walkin’/Rock group Dokken” (thank you David Spade!) by name. George Lynch (guitarist) was always the big attraction here – and he will be missed…
5. Alice Cooper – Along Came A Spider – The man who taught me that having a crush on a corpse was just fine, back for his 25th studio effort. He “leaked” the plotline to this concept album on his nationally syndicated radio show (“Nights With Alice Cooper”) – it’s the story of a serial killer named Spider who takes a trophy leg from each victim to complete the eight needed to construct his own arachnid. But he falls for victim number 8, and there’s the rub. Guest spots from Slash on guitar and Ozzy on… harmonica (?!) don’t hurt…
6. White Lion – Return Of The Pride – Back in the day, I remember seeing these guys and thinking, “Man if Mike Tramp (lead singer) can’t sing after running from one side of the stage to the other ‘cause he’s out of breath he should either stand still or hit the treadmill”. Really, the only attraction was guitarist Vito Bratta. On this new disc, it’s pretty much the Mike Tramp show – him and a bunch of no-name talent – so guess how much we want to hear this one…
7. Whitesnake – Good To Be Bad – This disc is similar to number 6 – only lead singer David Coverdale remains. No Tawny Kitaen humping the hood of a car, no Vivian Campbell (Dio, Def Leppard) on guitar and no Rudy Sarzo (Ozzy, Quiet Riot) on bass. So, why should we care? Well, the disc is getting decent reviews and some of the best chart positioning they’ve seen since the ‘80s. Huh – I guess I can give devil horns on ONE hand, but the headbanging lays in wait for a decent listen…
8. Def Leppard – Songs From The Sparkle Lounge – You just can’t keep this band down. Even when Rick Allen (drums) lost his arm to an accident on New Year’s Eve in 1984, he came back with a retro-fitted drum kit. When Steve Clark (guitar) died from an overdose in 1991, the boys grieved but continued with the addition of Vivian Campbell (yes, the one from #7). This 10th studio effort carries on their legacy.
9. Sammy Hagar – Cosmic Universal Fashion – Sammy’s pulling out the guest stars on this one – “Loud” features Billy Duffy (Cult), Michael Anthony (Van Halen) and Matt Sorum (Guns’n’Roses, Velvet Revolver) and “Switch On The Light” showcases the man with the beard supreme, the legendary guitar stylings of Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top. Oh, and did I mention the cover of The Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right To Party”? A weird choice, but I guess it’s been a staple of his live set for a while…
10. Extreme – Saudades de Rock – What a perfect album title to round out the list – the Portuguese roughly translates to “Nostalgic Yearning For Rock”. I seem to remember a VH1 show where they attempted to reunite these guys for a show, and the main attractions (singer Gary Cherone and guitarist Nuno Bettencort) couldn’t both be convinced. “More Than Words” was the song that made them superstars, but the band grew so sick of that song (which most felt was a poor representation of their signature sound) that it drew a wedge between them. They must have overcome the lingering issues, because this disc features both disgruntled parties and only one subsitution (a new drummer). Unfortunately, not much publicity for their first new disc in 13 years – but the reviews are positive so far…

Ten metal discs – who knew? Are you pumped?! Did you dig out your old fingerless gloves and get a craving for cheap booze in a paper bag? Just remember to be honest with yourself about how you really look before squeezing into the old Spandex, though. See you soon – and Happy New Year!

Why Is Getting Pooped On By A Bird Lucky?

2009-01-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, you read that correctly.

Let me preface the question a bit, and put things in context. I was out shoveling snow in my driveway last night, and to make me more miserable I felt something dripping on my hat. It was far too cold to be ice melting off of the roof. And I heard a gaggle of geese, or maybe a murder of crows, or some kind of dirty birds cawing overhead. Or maybe they were just laughing. "No way", I thought. "It couldn't possibly be."

But, it turns out that it could. And when my girlfriend saw the seed-filled dookie atop my chapeau, she stopped shoveling and said: "Oh, that's good luck!".

Really? And it turns out she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. That's the myth - getting pooped on by a bird brings good fortune. Heck, a blogger from Arizona (My Poptart Tastes Funny...) actually posted a piece about what kind of luck is associated with what birds. I guess it makes as much sense as the rural myth of wishing on a truckload of hay, anyway...

What do you think, dear readers? I just feel dirty.

Take The Buffy Quiz - And Feel As Stupid As I Do!

2008-12-29T08:02:00.000-08:00

Okay Buffy fans, I know you think you've got all the answers - so try this quiz on for size. We stumbled across it this weekend (it's on the Parade.com web site), and I came out looking like a chump. But really, who knew that Oz's favorite dog food was Chuck Wagon?

Let me know how you do, kids - and keep track of your correct answers since it doesn't do it for you...

(The quiz might be a "limited-time-only" deal - so if the link doesn't work, they might have taken it down.)

Good Grief, Chuck - It's Christmas!

2008-12-25T07:59:00.000-08:00

A Merry Christmas to all! Who's excited about dinner with the in-laws? With any luck, Aunt Madge will be too sauced on cooking sherry to ask if you're trying to break your mother's heart by not having kids or if you're just infertile - that was enough fun last year, right? Plus, cousin Timmy usually does something emergency room worthy, so that should take some pressure off... yup, he's trying to smooch Fluffy (the homicidal kitty) under the mistletoe, so the ambulance should be here within the hour.

Till then, you've got some time to kill - why not try these holiday-themed spectaculars? Just a few things I've seen recently that made me chuckle... or at very least made me happy that it wasn't another Rankin Bass special.

1. A Wish For Wings That Work (Bloom County Christmas) - This one flew (forgive the pun) under the radar when it came out in 1991, and is the only animated tale from Bloom County, home of Opus the Penguin and Bill the Cat. Whether or not you enjoyed the comic strip, the sight of a group therapy circle featuring a pig who thinks he's a rhinoceros should be enough to make you snort Nog out your nose. (YouTube, of course, has it here.)

2. The Big Bang Theory - The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis - This episode of the increasingly charming series featured one of the most hilarious scenes I've ever witnessed. Sheldon (played by the Emmy-worthy Jim Parsons) has become one of the best characters to ever grace the small screen, and his reaction to Penny's gift is tears-streaming funny. (For a look at that final exchange, check YouTube here.)

3. The Pogues (and Kirsty MacColl) - "Fairytale of New York" - An alternative Christmas classic! What's your favorite part? Holidays in the drunk tank? Or Yuletide sentimentality like "You're a bum/You're a punk/You're an old slut on junk"? Oh, or the rotting Irish teeth?! (Whatever your favorite part, check out the vid on YouTube.)

4. A Very Supernatural Christmas (Supernatural, season 3 episode) - Ah, Christmas with the Winchester boys. Candy canes, gingerbread houses and... ah, there it is - the Anti-Santa swooping down the chimney for a festive slaying. From the start of the episode, complete with the classic 1970's swirling neon "SPECIAL" sign straight out of some lousy variety show, this one gave a sly nod-and-a-wink to viewers who were paying attention - including a version of "Silent Night" by Sam & Dean (which, I guess is only truly funny when you know that the lead characters are named Sam and Dean, but now you know...). (YouTube seekers, check here.)

5. Robert Earl Keen - "Merry Christmas From The Family" - Ah, now here's the man who put the fun in dysfunctional. Every gathering should be as amusingly sketchy! (YouTube it here.)

So you say you're drunk and that damn ambulance still isn't there? You may be ready for the bonus round:

6. Star Wars Holiday Special - Ah, nostalgia. This may be the worst thing you'll ever see - but on its 30th anniversary, it may just be time to revisit this piece of space garbage. The worst of all worlds: the 70's variety special (complete with Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur) and the TV/movie crossover. Chewbacca goes home to visit his family, hijinks ensue. The only redeeming quality might have been the Boba Fett cartoon in the middle, but I may have just been hallucinating by that point. (Check it out for yourself on YouTube here.)

Okay, Timmy's trying to take the bandages off and cousin Lily is burning Barbie's hair in the fire - you better go. But have a great one, and I'll have more for you soon. Ho Ho Ho!

Drunk On Nog - Your Christmas Soundtrack

2008-12-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

Since Thanksgiving, you’ve been bombarded with Christmas songs that you’ve heard approximately a bazillion times (yes, that’s a precise unit of measure – don’t question it!). If you’re like me, you’re ready to rip your ears off in defiance, but you’ve still got the office party this Friday and the neighbors’ all-inclusive Christmakwanzukkahstice celebration on Saturday. So, what do you do about that pesky music? Juano’s got you covered, never fear. Of course, you may have to knock out the DJ with a giant ornamental candy cane to get these tunes on – but that shouldn’t be a problem, right? Some of these songs are classics, some are humorous ditties and others will get you put on the “Naughty” list for life. But it’s worth that lump of coal – plus, I know some of you have had a spanking on your X-Mas list, so there’s the whole two-birds-one-stoner outlook. Enough buildup, here’s the goodies:

1. “Fairytale of New York” – The Pogues
2. “Christmas” – Blues Traveler
3. “Run, Run Rudolph” – Chuck Berry
4. “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause” – The Damned
5. “Twelve Days Of Christmas” – Bob & Doug McKenzie
6. “Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis” – Tom Waits
7. “Christmas Katie” – Widespread Panic
8. “Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy” – David Bowie & Bing Crosby
9. “I Almost Met Santa Claus” – Marc Amendola
10. “Christmas Night of Zombies” - MXPX
11. “Swiss Colony Beef Log” – Eric Cartman (South Park)
12. “Merry Christmas From The Family” – Robert Earl Keen (there’s also a great cover by Jill Sobule)
13. “Christmas In Hollis” – Run DMC
14. “Santa Has A Mullet” – Nerf Herder
15. “Cool Yule” – Louis Armstrong
16. “I’m Having Santa For Christmas” – Lustra
17. “Santa and His Old Lady” – Cheech and Chong
18. “Christmas At The Zoo” – Flaming Lips
19. “My First Christmas As A Woman” – The Vandals
20. “Oi To The World” – No Doubt (Vandals cover)
21 “The Christians and the Pagans” – Dar Williams
22. “Christmas Wrapping” – The Waitresses
23. “Bizarre Christmas Incident” – Ben Folds
24. “My Christmas List” – Simple Plan
25. “Christmas In The Slammer” – The Swallows

You need more holiday tunes? Try these albums for more:

1. Just Can’t Get Enough: New Wave Christmas
2. You Sleigh Me!
3. Just Say Noel (Geffen Records)
4. Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics (South Park)
5. Christmas Caravan – Squirrel Nut Zippers
6. A Christmas Album – Bright Eyes
7. Lump of Coal
8. The Ultimate Christmas Collection - Brian Setzer
9. A Magical Christmas of Magic - Harry and the Potters
10. The Mother of All Flagpole Christmas Albums

Have a blast, kids! Just watch out for your cousin Tony's Eggnog - he makes it with Rum and lighter fluid...

Come Play With Treefort - A Western Mass Cult Favorite

2008-12-10T07:31:00.000-08:00

Have you ever gone to a show and felt like you were cheating on the headliner because you secretly liked the opener a little better? It happens, there’s nothing to be ashamed of - I’m guilty of it myself. A few years back at Harry’s/The Elevens (Northampton, MA) I went to a Fancy Trash show, and these Treefort guys were opening. It was self-deprecating rock, alt-country twang and some of the finest humor you could hope for. The next thing you knew, I was up and dancing (okay, bobbing my head, let’s not get too carried away here – everyone knows I’ve got no rhythm) and singing along with their call-and-response classic “Your Best Friend”. I bought the Girls Allowed CD after their set, and that was it – I was hooked.

Okay, so you’re a music whore, we get it. Who are these guys and why should we care? Wow, harsh. Slightly true, but still. These guys have been around since ’95, and if you’re from the Western Mass area you’ve probably seen their name on more than a few flyers. Paul Hansbury (vocals/guitar) founded the band with local legend Matt Hebert (Ware River Club, Haunt), who played drums at the time. They were joined by Mark Turcotte on bass and Bob Hennessy on lead guitar, and after Mr. Hebert left the band in ’99 he was replaced by Joe O’Rourke, drummer extraordinaire. And since then, aside from a number of fill-ins at various shows and some regular guests along the way (such as the vocal talent of Marcia Bergeron), that’s been the core foursome. As to why you should care – you may not believe it, kids, but Treefort actually put the “hoot” in “hootenanny” (if you don’t buy it, I bet I can put it up on Wikipedia, then you’d have to believe it. Right?).

So, Girls Allowed is their first disc – isn’t that the one with the gross can of baked beans on the cover? My girlfriend retches whenever she sees it in Turn It Up!, but should I give it a listen? Darn tootin’ you should. I’ll admit that, to some, Hansbury’s raw vocal style can be an acquired taste. But my best friend summed it up best when talking about another unusual crooner, this Bob Dylan fella: “You either get it or you don’t. I get it.” And once you open up to it, the album becomes a veritable playground of well-crafted songwriting (like “House”, increasing tempo with each verse, starting slow and bulding to a fevered pitch by the finale), self-deprecating wit (“Wimbledon” spells out how “My name will never be engraved upon the Stanley Cup/I’ll never figure out the pick and roll” but “I do come to play”) and absurdist humor (“Idi Amin Dada” tells the story of the Ugandan dictator from the viewpoint of his children: “Idi Amin was our Dada/Somebody gunned him down” and shares his cannibalistic diet tips: “Legs and arms and vegetables/Our meals all came complete”). Their mix of humor, emotion and deft musicianship spotlights the truly rare thing with this disc - that they’ve found the balance that most bands could only dream of. You see, most groups either thrive onstage OR on disc. It’s unusual to see a band as spirited as Treefort is live be able to carry that energy into the studio - but damn if they don’t pull it off. No overpolished, overly produced tripe - just a portrait of a band having fun.

Okay, okay - I’ll give it a go. Do they have any other discs I could check out? A second album called Talking To The Dogs is in the can, and everything I’ve heard from it so far has been equally entertaining. Early artwork from the disc features original paintings by Hansbury, and the cover art can actually be seen hanging in the background of the picture on the back of Girls Allowed. For more on the fate of the CD, I asked Paul Hansbury and Joe O’Rourke for some input:
Paul: Talking To The Dogs will arrive suddenly, without fanfare, and not on any scheduled campaign. When it is manufactured, it will likely contain many “label” links – but it will ultimately reside in boxes around my garage and cellar, as the first album does.
Joe: We recorded the disc back in ’04, but never released it. Maybe someday. We just love to get together and play – no one has any time to deal with releasing a disc. Sad but true.
Paul: And I live 100 miles away from Bob, Joe, Marcia and Mark now. Since 2004. When we manage to rehearse prior to a show, we usually are able to add a song or two – but often we must do the shows sans rehearsal. As long as we’ve been around, since ’95, we have never been about the typical rock band bullshit. As long as the other guys want to keep doing it, so will I.

Well, if they’re not putting out the new disc yet, how else can I make these guys prove themselves? Do you think they’d be up for some carnie-type test of their worth? Like fighting the wolf-faced boy in a cage match? Keep your pants on junior – how about we start with a live show? Yes, they don’t play as much as the old days now that they’re a bit geographically challenged – they alternate shows between the Basement (Northampton, MA) and the Brass Cat (Easthampton, MA). But you’re in luck, because they’re playing at the Basement this Friday night (December 12th) at 10 pm. If you’re from the area, the Basement is across the street from the Iron Horse and around back – in the old Table 9/Mulino’s building. Matt Hebert will play a solo opening set, then Treefort promises at least two sets and the possibility of a holiday classic. Come see the boys hang 20 years of sorrow and sarcasm on two guitars, bass, drums and “Look ma, no hands!” recklessness. Girls allowed.

For the most up-to-date info on Treefort, check out their MySpace page. And come show them some love on Friday night...

(A big thanks to Paul Hansbury and Joe O'Rourke for helping me put this together.)

No New Posts Since Turkey Day! Who's Writing This Thing?!

2008-12-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

What the... this thing doesn't just write itself? Whoops...

No zombie invasion to blame my absence on this time. No aliens abducting me and probing my nethers either. So who's to blame? I'm gonna go with this kid:

It's true, kicking the undead's butt took a back seat to viewing cutie-patootie baby-types this week. I'm the pseudo-uncle (meaning I, as my parents like to say, am "living in sin" with the ACTUAL auntie) of this little bundle.

So I took another break, what, you wanna cry about it? I'll be back this week, and gearing up for the holidays to come. I've scheduled lists galore, plus we've got some fun local bands to talk about. First up will be Treefort, who just happen to be playing at The Basement in Northampton, MA on Friday night (the 12th).

So just keep your Lederhosen on a little longer, kids. We'll be back with new programming shortly...

Your Turkey Day Soundtrack

2008-11-27T06:10:00.000-08:00

Did any of your little ones find the legendary golden waddle that Tom Turkey sneaks into some lucky kid’s house every year? My favorite part of Thanksgiving morning was always biting the head off the chocolate turkey. Ah, good times… which, of course, are ruined when your family starts showing up. Auntie Madge will say the Turkey’s overdone, little cousin Jimmy will cover your table in mashed ‘taters the likes of which haven’t been seen since Close Encounters and Uncle Bob will have his hand down the front of his pants before the table’s cleared. That's just how it works – so start drinking early, throw on some music and get ready for a meltdown. Here are some songs to get you started…

1. “Alice’s Restaurant Masacree” – Arlo Guthrie
2. “You To Thank” – Ben Folds
3. “Jive Turkey” – Ohio Players
4. “Thank U” – Alanis Morissette
5. “Gotta Serve Somebody” – Bob Dylan
6. “Thanksgiving Song” – Adam Sandler
7. “Harvest” – Neil Young
8. “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)” – Sly & The Family Stone
9. “Gratitude” – Ani DiFranco
10. “Leftovers” – No Doubt

And around dessert time, you'll probably be ready for the bonus track:

11. "She's Gonna Break Soon" - Less Than Jake

Have fun, folks! But don't drink too much - you've gotta be up at three in the morning if you want to properly armor yourself for Black Friday. Remember that year when I got kicked in the crotch by a crazy grandmother trying to grab the last "Tickle Me Elmo"? I come prepared, now - steel cup and full riot gear. You hear that, grannie?! I'm on to you...

Axl Rose Bought You All A Dr Pepper, America!

2008-11-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

So, do you remember my tirade about Guns'n'Roses' decade-in-the-making album Chinese Democracy? Well, what I didn't mention was that way back in March, a Dr Pepper spokesperson bet that Axl wouldn't put the disc out this year. The wager: a can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Democracy was released by the end of the calendar year. And seeing as the CD is out tomorrow (November 23rd) , either this was the best free advertising campaign that Dr Pepper has ever had, or someone who shot his mouth off is getting his ass fired.

Either way, you can get your coupon for your free schwag by visiting the Dr Pepper web site. The catch: it's only available for 24 hours starting at midnight on the 23rd. And you have to register with Dr Pepper.com to take part in the promotion. And you have to pat your head and rub your tummy while typing with your nose. And something about your first born. But dangit, I want to be a Pepper too!

So, thanks Axl - and whatever kooky band members you're currently calling GNR. And remember, the reason the disc is coming out on a Sunday is so that you can observe the Holy Sabbath of Axl. Kneel before Rose, America! He got you a free soft drink, so be gracious acolytes...

Punk Memories - To The Highest Bidder

2008-11-19T08:09:00.000-08:00

Does anyone remember the true meaning of punk rock? Really, it was just a bunch of disillusioned working class kids on both sides of the pond trying to reinvent music. Mainstream rock had gotten so polished that a kid couldn’t just pick up a guitar and play along anymore. So these punk kids just said “Fuck it!” and rebuilt music from the ground up, no training necessary. Pick up a guitar and throttle it by the neck – whatever noise came out would be just fine, thank you. Thus began an era of shredded clothes, safety pins and hastily scrawled flyers – all done on the cheap, since nobody had a whole lot of cash.

So when Christie’s Auction House (New York saleroom) announced that they would be auctioning off punk memorabilia in lots that BEGIN at around $300 and top out at $7,000, it was enough to make me scratch my head and go “Huh?!” I mean, don’t get me wrong – some of these items are definitely worth the money. From the flyer for the quadruple bill of The Clash, The Buzzcocks, Subway Sect and the Slits in ’77 to a complete press kit for the ’77-’78 U.S. Tour of The Sex Pistols (complete with signed publicity photos) to rare promotional t-shirts (like The Ramones’ Rocket To Russia promo shirt), there is plenty of value to any collector.

The problem is that the people who probably most deserve these items can’t afford them. “So who the hell actually should have them, Mr. Self-righteous?!” I’m glad you asked. The fans who felt Joey Ramone’s greasy locks brush their face, the people who got Sid Vicious’ blood and sweat on them in the front row, the groupie who helped Iggy Pop pierce his scrote – all lay equal claim to these items under punk’s anarchical code. Sure, a lot of the punk kids grew up to be corporate tools and could afford this boatload of goodies – but I’d bet that more of them are thrift store bargain-bin shoppers.

For those of you who think you CAN afford any of these items, check out the listings here. The actual auction takes place next Monday, November 24th. And for those of you who can’t afford anything, feel free to wait outside with a bat.***

***Juano’s Addiction does not take responsibility for any hoity-toity rich people who "accidentally" get hit with a bat. Even if they really, really deserve it...

Juano Returns, Well-Rested

2008-11-19T06:58:00.000-08:00

It's okay, kids - daddy's back. My brain got a bit frazzled during the Halloween extravaganza, but I've done a bit of rewiring and things should be working just fine now. Granted, now I'm seeing a lephrechaun riding a unicorn everywhere I go - but otherwise the synapses are firing perfectly. Time to put some pants on and join reality...

Your Election Day Soundtrack

2008-11-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a long election, and most of us are glad to see it come to an end. Here's a little music to accompany you to the polling booths - some about the current administration, some about the campaign tactics and some just because. Enjoy!

1. “The One On The Right Is On The Left” – Johnny Cash
2. “The New World” – X
3. “Peaches” – Presidents of the United States of America
4. “No W” – Ministry
5. “If I Was President” – Wyclef Jean
6. “American Idiot” – Green Day
7. “Stars And Stripes Of Corruption” – Dead Kennedys
8. “The Bush Boys” – The Mammals
9. “Backstabber” – The Dresden Dolls
10. “Changing of the Guards” – Bob Dylan

Whatever the outcome, this is monumental kids. Hopefully the nation's still standing in the morning...

Your Halloween Soundtrack

2008-10-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

What're all my little fiends up to on this frightful evening - dressing up like good little boys and ghouls? Drinking punch out of a steaming cauldron? Standing at the graveyard entrance with a shotgun, just in case? Whatever your answer, here's a bit of music to get you in the mood:

1. “Halloween Head” – Ryan Adams
2. “The Creeps” – Social Distortion
3. “I Love The Dead” – Alice Cooper
4. “Living Dead Girl” – Rob Zombie
5. “The Surfin’ Dead” – The Cramps
6. “Season of the Witch” – Donovan
7. “Now I’m Feeling Zombiefied” – Alien Sex Fiend
8. “God of Thunder” – KISS
9. “Vampira” – The Misfits
10. “Bloodsucker” – Southern Culture On The Skids

Anything else I should have on the list? You know where the comments section is.

I've had a blast with the Halloween hijinks this month. Thanks again to Virtual Stranger and Doctor Dan for helping out, and Dave Perillo for being kind enough to let me use his artwork. Now daddy needs a nap...

Top Horror Comics

2008-10-31T08:04:00.001-07:00

This one doen't need much of an intro, so let's just jump right in...

1. Flinch (DC/Vertigo) – One of the best horror anthology series I have ever read. It only lasted sixteen issues, but it became a classic in my mind. Unfortunately, FINDING this one is the problem – there were no trade paperbacks published, as far as I can tell…
2. Walking Dead (Image) – Most of you know that I have a soft spot in my heart for a good zombie apocalypse story. And this one from Robert Kirkman hasn’t disappointed – except for, y’know, killing off a lot of characters we had grown to love.
3. Tales From The Crypt (EC Comics) – Possibly the most well recognized horror anthology series of all time. I strongly suggest checking out the beautifully reprinted hardbound volumes that have been put out in the last few years.
4. Werewolf By Night (Marvel) – Poor Jack Russell – born to a father who had the werewolf curse and a mother who was a powerful witch. Over the years, Jack learned to control the wolf, and teamed up with many heroes of the Marvel universe – including the first appearance of Moon Knight in issue #29.
5. Ghost Rider (Marvel) – Ah, Johhny Blaze - all he ever wanted was to keep his stepfather alive. So he bargained with Mephisto, his stepfather still died and now you could toast a marshmallow on the kid’s head. (MMMM, demonic marshmallows – sacrilicious!) The kid’s not a good haggler…
6. Swamp Thing (DC/Vertigo) – Don't judge by the movie - the comic was spinning horror yarns for years before the other jolly green giant made it to the screen. And in the second volume of Swamp Thing, we saw the seminal works of writer Alan Moore and artist Stephen Bissette on some of the creepiest tales you’ll ever read. Oh, and this book introduced this fine British fellow from our next entry…
7. Hellblazer (DC/Vertigo) – John Constantine is one of the best comic characters to ever grace a pulpy page – he’s the Johnny Rotten of the occult world. The book has been up and down, storywise, over the years (depending on the writer). But at its best, it was beyond brilliant. The Garth Ennis years were by far the best – I’d suggest the “Dangerous Habits” trade paperback for those of you looking for a starting point.
8. Hellboy/B.P.R.D. (Dark Horse) – The big red guy never had an ongoing series, but an heir to a throne in Hell with a soft spot for kitties can do what he likes. His buddies in the BPRD, Abe Sapien, Liz Sherman and Johann Krauss among others, eventually rated their own spin-off sans Hellboy.
9. House of Mystery (DC) – This one started out as a horror anthology. But with the advent of the “Comics Code Authority” in the mid-1950s, supernatural themes were banned topics for comics, so superheroes took the limelight for a while. Luckily, in ’68 EC Comics vet Joe Orlando took over editorial duties and was allowed to bring the book back to its roots.
10. Tomb of Dracula (Marvel) – This is another book that benefited from the Comics Code loosening its collective sphincter about the horror topic. Dracula served as supervillain to many Marvel heroes over the years, but this was his time to shine. Just not in direct daylight.
11. Terror, Inc. (Marvel) – The hitman with the heart of Gold – hope Gold wasn’t using it. You see, Terror looked like a zombie with catfish whiskers, and he could replace any missing “parts” with assorted limbs from his victims. But he never replaced the “I Love Ringo” tattoo – I won’t tell you where he kept that.
12. The Goon (Dark Horse) – A muscle-bound mob enforcer (who secretly runs the whole shebang) with a wide-eyed midget sidekick in a town overrun with zombie scum. And did I mention it’s a heap of silly fun? Eric Powell writes and provides art with his signature style.
13. 30 Days Of Night (IDW) – The movie was good, but a bit of a disappointment. You just can’t replicate Ben Templesmith’s artwork in the real world – the distortions, elongations and wonderfully jagged edges work especially well in the realm of vampires. And Steve Niles’ demented storytelling introduced us to the horribly cursed luck of Barrow, Alaska, and the smorgasbord it becomes…
14. Marvel Zombies (Marvel) – First appearing in issues of Ultimate Fantastic Four written by Mark Millar, we were introduced to a parallel Earth where all the Marvel heroes had been turned into zombies. Eventually, zombie maestro Robert Kirkman wrote the first two mini-series focusing on this dark (and oddly amusing) universe. Magneto saves people, Avengers eat people and people…should probably just run.
15. Zombie Tales (Boom! Studios) – A horror anthology with my favorite theme!
16. The Astounding Wolf-Man (Image) – Robert Kirkman does it again, this time turning a werewolf into a cursed superhero with a vampire mentor. Fantastic twists and turns make this a new book worth keeping an eye on, 'cause our heroes luck isn't getting any better.
17. Perhapanauts (Dark Horse then Image) – What would happen if you put Bigfoot and a chupacabra through an Evolvo-Ray? Big would get genius-level smart, and Choopie would get…let’s just say he can talk. Put them together with a psychic, a cute-as-a-button ghost and a brooding character in sunglasses with an oh-so-secret past and you have the team lineup for the Perhapanauts. They save the world from inter-dimensional interlopers – and try to keep Choopie out of trouble.
18. Proof (Image) – So, Bigfoot leads this team too. But in this reality, he’s named Proof (John Prufrock). He works for a clandestine organization called The Lodge, who seek out Cryptid activity worldwide. They provide sanctuary to most of the creatures, keeping them safe from ignorant humans – and often, keeping people from getting eaten.
19. Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse (IDW) – (Not to be confused with Garth Ennis’ Wormwood on Avatar Press) Ben Templesmith’s Wormwood is a cadaver with a sense of style. But the style depends on the cadaver he’s possessing at the time. You see, he’s a kind of worm that can possess the deceased, residing in their brainpan – and sometimes peeking out through the eye socket. What a cute little bugger. He’s got the crotchety charm of John Constantine and the disgusting look of that brain slug from Star Trak II.
20. Doomed (IDW) – Another great horror anthology, presented in old school black-and-white magazine format – complete with non-glossy, pulp pages. And the painted covers were a beautiful addition.
21. Hack/Slash (Devil’s Due Publishing) – So, you like your horror stories with a little bit of cheesecake shake – who doesn’t? Cassie Hack is a tough little goth cutie who hunts down the things of your nightmares while striking seductive poses. Sounds silly doesn’t it? But the book is loads of fun, and the monster action is nonstop.
22. Zombies: Feast (IDW) – This is the first mini-series of IDW’s Zombies franchise. What if the zombie outbreak happened while you were transporting a busload of prisoners? Would you trust them to help you, or would you leave them to rot? You might get more answers than you were looking for in this tale…
23. The Living Corpse (Zenescope Entertainment) – A very cartoonish looking book, but incredibly fun. The corpse is our hero, and we follow his adventures as he guards our world from all sorts of undead evil, only pausing occasionally to nosh on some brains. But I’m sure they’re evil brains…
24. The Demon (DC) – Always a popular villain in the DCU, Jack Kirby created this bastard of rhyme. Bound to the human Jason Blood, the demon Etrigan was originally summoned by Merlin to defend Camelot. He eventually warranted his own series, which ended with a fantastic run by Garth Ennis and John McCrea. Some people couldn’t get past the rhyming dialogue – but I’d pretty much read a rewrite of the phone book if it was done by Ennis, so I’m biased. And let’s not forget that Ennis and McCrea created the loveable/despicable character of Tommy Monaghan in these pages, the title character from the hysterical Hitman series.

25. Cal McDonald minis (Dark Horse/IDW) –Cal McDonald is Steve Niles’ American equivalent of John Constantine. Bad suits, equally bad luck, tousled hair and a scent that reeks of day-old vomit - just what you want in an antihero! The character started as a series of shorts from Dark Horse, moved to the big league world of pulp novels, then back to comics with Criminal Macabre: A Cal McDonald Mystery, and has kept his feet rooted in the comics world since. His assorted mini-series eventually pulled up stakes and moved to IDW publishing in recent years.

That's all she wrote for now. Next up: The Halloween soundtrack!

Humans vs. Zombies: Protecting Our Future?

2008-10-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

FINALLY, someone’s prepping our nation’s youth for the inevitable zombie invasion! You laugh, but it’s coming! And college campuses across the U.S. are in agreement, obviously - Humans vs. Zombies, a live-action role playing game has become a huge hit. What is it, you ask? Essentially, it’s just a big game of “Tag” played with Nerf guns. But this one is for the future of the human race.

It’s pretty basic, really. You start with a pool of players, and one person is picked to be the Original Zombie. Every person he tags from then on becomes a zombie, and the infection spreads. Zombies wear headbands to differentiate themselves, and they can be “stunned” for 15 minutes if they are shot with a Nerf Gun or…hit with a sock. Okay, I may need to lodge a formal complaint with the HVZ community about how seriously they’re taking a possible Zompocalypse if they think a sock is going to help…

To win the game: Either the zombie team wins by turning all the humans, or the humans win by waiting out the zombies (they can “starve” if they don’t feed every 48 hours). All in all, it sounds like a lot of fun – too bad you can’t play it at work. Oh wait, most of the office folks have already been turned? That explains a lot…

For a better overview, go to the Humans vs. Zombies web site, and for a local look at things check out the UMass HVZ site.

Top 10 Zombie Comedies

2008-10-30T05:44:00.000-07:00

So, you like your disembowelings with a side of slapstick (whether intentional or not)? This is the list for you...

1. Shaun of the Dead – It’s rare to find a movie that could just as easily be a classic comedy as it might qualify as a horror flick. But Simon Pegg’s UK import does just that. It has some of the funniest onscreen moments in years (the bit when they’re trying to kill the zombies with old LPs was brilliant), and yet they don’t spare the blood and gore when it’s necessary. By far the best of this sub-genre.
2. Return of the Living Dead – Classic one-liners like “Your brain smells so rich and spicy!” and “Send more paramedics!” make this graveyard bash a classic.
3. Evil Dead 2 – Horror purists will deny this as a true zombie movie. “They’re technically people possessed by Candarian demons”, they’ll exclaim from their mother’s basement. But when your girlfriend’s head gets chopped off and she still comes back to visit – demonic possession or not, I’d call that a zombie. And the fact that Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi took their cues from old Three Stooges bits makes this a comic masterpiece as well.
4. Fido – Ah, the story of a boy and his zombie. If a zombie outbreak happened in Pleasantville (or during a rerun of Lassie), this might be what it would look like. ‘50s family values, soda shoppes and disemboweling – a romp the whole family can enjoy!
5. Grindhouse: Planet Terror – Robert Rodriguez’s half of this double-bill of horror kitsch has just the right mix of dripping goo and over-the-top action. And Rose McGowen with a machine gun leg. I kid you not.
6. Idle Hands – Yes, the overall plot centers around a demonically possessed hand. But when the two sidekicks (including the comedic talents of Seth Green) return as zombies, I’d say that qualifies it. Add in the fact that it’s hilarious and features a young Jessica Alba and it just had to make the list.
7. Dead Alive – Those of you who think they know all there is to know about Peter Jackson might want to check this early effort from the Hobbit-meister. Infectious rat monkeys. Killing zombies with a lawnmower. Horribly cheesy effects. You’ll either pretend you never saw it or gain a different level of respect for the man.
8. ZA: Zombies Anonymous – “What do we want? Brains! When do we want them? Now!” In this version of the zombie mythos, they’re just trying to rise above their undead status and just fit in. Now if it wasn’t for that pesky craving for human flesh…
9. Zombie Strippers – The two-word title may very well be enough reason to check this out. Add in two icons from both ends of the B movie spectrum, Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, and you may NEED to see this one. Unless you don’t like naked ladies and good old-fashioned gore all in one package. But you’re reading a list of Zombie Comedies, so we’ll assume you’re onboard.
10. The Mad – MMMM…Truck stop zombies. Now with 75% more Billy Zane!

Honorable Mention: Weekend At Bernie's 2 - That's right Bernie was a zombie in this one. The scary part is that it's not a joke...

So what did I forget? That's what the comments are for, kids. And my list-mania will continue - next up: Horror Comic Favorites.

The End Of Times Is Nigh: Chinese Democracy To Be Released

2008-10-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

And lo, God did look upon Axl’s cornrows, and he saw the folly of man. He sent a plague of frogs upon Axl, and still did Chinese Democracy proceed. And Lucifer sent a demon adorned with a KFC bucket to infiltrate Axl’s band, but he was cast out - and still the album continued. What power has the man named Rose, to rise up against the powers of Gods and Devils alike? Is this the beginning of the End?

Nah, I’m guessing that he’s just a giant freak.

Yes, the long-gestating Chinese Democracy disc from “Guns’N’Roses” is finally going to see light (it drops on November 23rd). The band lineup has changed so many times that Axl had to install a revolving door on the studio, though - so who knows what we’re going to get. Will the final result be worth it? Probably not. Will most of us still get it, even if it’s just to satisfy our morbid curiosity? I’m sad to say that I need to hear it. What will disappoint Axl in the long run is that his former groupies may need a crowbar to fit into their old spandex...

Bringing out the Beast in YOU by Virtual Stranger

2008-10-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

As El Juano has charged me with scribbling up stuff for him (he’s a busy man, y’know) I found myself falling back into standard research mode for our favorite holiday. Troublesome, because I’d also been reading a how-to article and they ended up merging somehow in my mind.

So, a few guaranteed, easy steps you can take if you want to become a werewolf...***

Piss off a God
Granted, this first method can go seriously wrong, but if you manage it just right... Ever hear of Lycaon? Greek king way back in the day. When discovering that Zeus was going to be dining with him one evening, Lycaon thought it would be funny as hell to serve the Father of the Gods a few choice cuts of—get this—human flesh!

Needless to say, this practical joke didn’t go over as well as one would think, and Zeus changed Lycaon into a wolf as punishment. While you may not have heard of the man himself, you’ve probably heard the word we get from his name—lycanthropy.

Bite The Hand...
Probably the best known way to become a werewolf is to be bitten by someone who already is one. It worked for Lon Chaney Jr., that kid in American Werewolf in London, and the damned sexy Kate Hodge in She-Wolf of London. Heck, even the loveable Oz on Buffy the Vampire Slayer found himself wolfing out after his teething baby cousin chomped down on his finger. Like most of the worst diseases, a little broken skin and spilt blood will do it.

That’s only half the process, though. The trick, here, of course, is to survive being bitten by the werewolf, as it’s very rare for them to stop at just the one chomp. It’s far more common for them to take twenty or thirty, and usually a pound of you-meat with each one. Much like vampires or zombies, the attacking lycanthrope is really just interested in feeding, not spreading his or her condition.

Don’t Drink That!!
A little known fact from Europe—you can become a werewolf by drinking water from a wolf’s footprint. Yes, taking sustenance from the faint imprint of a wolf can leave you with the faint imprint of a wolf. It’s dismissed as coincidence...

Stop and Smell the Roses
Ready for this shocker? Becoming a werewolf is as easy as plucking a few flowers. According to several legends, all it takes is picking any number of different small flowers (most notably wolfsbane) under the right conditions (most notably under the light of the full moon) and you’ll be craving your meat extra-rare once a month. If you ever saw the film Silver Bullet (based off Stephen King’s episodic novel Cycle of the Werewolf), poor Reverend Lester Lowe got his beast on because he wanted to decorate the church but chose poorly while on a walk in the woods…

The Gypsy Curse
Another tried and true favorite is the curse, usually delivered by an old Romany woman with a glass eye and a kerchief. Sometimes it’s deserved, sometimes it’s just out of spite, and every now and then there’s even a moral lesson in there. While it isn’t that common, it’s still well known and considered a classic.

To be honest, though, this method always baffled me a bit. I mean, isn’t it a bit like punishing someone by giving them the keys to your car? Yeah, they might do some damage, but aren’t you the one who ends up in a much more vulnerable position? “You’ve broken your word, lied, and dishonored all of us involved. As punishment, we’re going to turn you into an unstoppable killing machine!!! Let that be a lesson to you, and don’t come begging us to change you back...”

Beware the Bad Wolf
Another little-known fact from Europe—if the Time Lord known as the Doctor is correct, many reported werewolves are actually the result of an intelligent, alien virus manifesting itself in moonlight as... well, an unstoppable killing machine. Go figure. Heck, not only that, it would seem that Queen Victoria herself may have gotten a scratch or two from the big bad one, and passed it on to her descendants. Speaking of which, that brings us to our final method...

Get Born Into It
The hardest to manage and to avoid, there’s more than enough evidence that says lycanthropy is in the genes. So while it wouldn’t be the first curse to haunt people centuries after their great-grandfather annoyed the hell out of someone, it’s probably one of the more immediately apparent ones come puberty. This was the basis of the ancestral werewolf clans in most of the Howling movies. Now everyone close your eyes—everybody raise your hand who saw Teen Wolf, with Michael J. Fox’s oddly simian werewolf makeup. Yeah, that one was inherited, too.

Okay, hands down, you can all open your eyes now.

***Does not imply actual guarantee. Juano’s Addiction takes no responsibility for the effectiveness, or lack thereof, of any of these methods. Please shapechange responsibly.

(Since his last post, Virtual Stranger has been declared King of Southern California (with a little help from his Cenobite buddies). His first decree: mandatory cartoon watching on Saturday mornings, for all ages. In footy pajamas. Pinhead made V.S. some nice french toast kebobs last week while he watched Spider-Man - he's gone mad with power! For further updates on his reign, check out his blog, Writer On Writing.)

The Soundtrack Of Your Nightmares

2008-10-27T07:41:00.000-07:00

You know how the porn industry turned a simple seventies funk groove (Bow-bicca-wow-wow) into Ron Jeremy’s daily soundtrack? Certain musical pieces become so indelibly tied to visual works that you can’t remove the images from your mind when you hear them (I will never again be able to hear “Stuck In The Middle” without thinking of the ear-cutting scene from Reservoir Dogs). Well, horror movies have a veritable smorgasbord of unforgettable music that will never be separated from the bloody masterpieces that housed them. You want a list, you say? Have at it…

1. Toccatta & Fugue in D Minor (J.S. Bach) – Most commonly known as “that organ music from Phantom of the Opera”, this piece has become a horror staple.
2. Mr. Sandman (The Chordettes) – It’s almost like they knew there would eventually be a dream stalker like Freddy out there. Where would the Nightmare On Elm Street franchise be without this song?
3. Tubular Bells (Mike Oldfield) – If you don’t think of pea soup and crucifix masturbation when you hear this, then chances are you haven’t seen The Exorcist – which seems unlikely.
4. Bad Moon Rising (Creedence Clearwater Revival) – A more perfectly suited transformation song for An American Werewolf In London you would never find. Lycanthropes around the globe rallied for this as their theme song after that movie.
5. Halloween Theme (John Carpenter) – Carpenter couldn’t read or write a note when he composed this simple piano melody. But the understated tune left an impression, and clued Halloween moviegoers in on when Mr. Myers was going to meet his next victim.
6. Jaws Theme (John Williams) – If you ever want to check how much this song has pervaded our memories, try going to the beach and playing this song at a loud volume. You may get kicked in the groin, but the sociological test is still valid.
7. Jeepers Creepers (originally by Louis Armstrong) – Was the original intention of this song to make me think about some kind of monster eating eyeballs? No? Well, tell that to my brain, would you…
8. Psycho Theme (Bernard Herrmann) – You know that experiment I mentioned with the Jaws theme at the beach? It works equally well with this song when your significant other is in the shower. (Juano’s Addiction does not assume any responsibility for the loss of limbs or assorted dangly bits during the course of these tests)
9. After Dark (Tito & Tarantula) – Tito & company actually play the house band in From Dusk Till Dawn. Whether or not you remember THEM, I bet you have a clear image of Salma Hayek doing the gyrating snake dance while she pours tequila down her leg. Yes, she turns out to be a killer vampire – but what a way to go!
10. Hellraiser (Christopher Young) – The entire soundtrack to Hellraiser was a sweeping gothic nightmare, but the title track…perfection. This thing will tear your soul apart!

You want more lists, you say? On the week of All Hallows Eve, how could I say no? You’ll have your Halloween soundtrack, a list of the finest Zombie comedies around, and anything else we can pack in. Just stick with us – we’ll provide the bloody best!

A Final Peek At Dave Perillo's Horror Icons

2008-10-27T05:37:00.000-07:00

Hi all - we've made it into the home stretch, Halloween week! Unfortunately, that means the end of our showcase of Mr. Perillo's art. But what a way to go, Hmmm? The master slasher, the goalie from Hell, the "before" picture from a Noxzema commercial: Jason Voorhees.

And again, check out Dave Perillo's blog, Montygog's Art-O-Rama, which features much more of his zany stylings. Oh, and stick with us this week - you'll learn the hows and whys of becoming a werewolf, see some of the reasons that certain songs are so completely tied into the magic of a horror movie, and maybe even see a sign of the apocalypse. Oh, and there might be a Halloween soundtrack for ya, if you're good little ghouls...

Monster Mailbag

2008-10-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

We’ve been getting an amazing amount of e-mails during Horror Month, so I feel inclined to share. I don’t think some of the writers even have fingers to type with, so that makes it even more surprising. Ah well, let’s dive in, shall we…

I was taking a nice leisurely rampage downtown when I saw some guy reading Juano’s Addiction on his laptop right before I crushed him. In your “Top 10 (Worst) Vacation Spots” bit, you mentioned how Godzooky was missing and made a JOKE about it. Harsh, man! I told you that in confidence – not cool! Plus, it turns out he was just out taunting Mothra with a giant sweater and lost track of the time – boys will be boys… Godzilla Jones, Monster Isle
Sorry about that buddy – sometimes I’m a little too quick with the punch line. How about I set you up with the 50 Foot Woman to make up for it? She was Lonely In Lilliput a while back, and she’s looking for love…

My witch doctor tells me that all the human flesh I’ve been eating is bad for my complexion, and I’m beginning to think he’s right – pieces are starting to fall off in clumps now. I’d love to go vegan, but brains “smell so rich and spicy” (ha-ha – god I love that flick!). Any Ideas how to curb my Zombiverous ways? Famished In Philly
It turns out that the Food Network has beaten you to the punch on this one – they just unveiled their “Undead Lite” series of foodstuffs last week. There’s Tofhuman (the soy flesh substitute), Borscht “Brain” Stew and Eviscerated Enchiladas, just to start. 9 out of 10 undead Americans say they can’t taste the difference, and I know your meaty neighbors will appreciate the change!

My cat will sit and stare at the gurgling toilet for hours – I think this is how Satan communicates with him, and why he bites me on the ass when I have to pee at 2 a.m. Should I have an exorcism? Fill the bowl with holy water? Flummoxed By Felines
No, cats are just evil on their own. The only reason witches still use them as familiars is that they’re too scared to say they’d like a puppy instead. But if your toilet is gurgling for hours, you may want to get that fixed…

You may remember me from my Saturday Night Live days – I’m Goat Boy. After I got kicked off that show, I went on a bit of a bender. I found myself down in Tijuana, drunk most of the time. I blacked out one night and woke up next to Suzy - who turns out to be a Chupacabra! Now she’s pregnant, and she says she wants to keep it and have me raise the little mutant with her. Yeah, that’d work out well – her Mom eats my Mom while Junior chews through his playpen. What the hell do I do now? Choopy Daddy, Mexico
Goat sucker must’ve sounded like a good description at the time, huh? Right, first off you need to know that pregnant Choopies have the worst raging hormones of any species – so stay out of biting range. From there you’ve got to realize that their species is surprisingly religious, so she’s HAVING the baby, like it or not. Just try to make friends with the local butcher and get your girl the blood she needs. After the kid’s born, you may feel more fatherly – unless he tries to eat you. But that’s anyone’s guess, really.

Yeah, hi, long-time reader, first-time writer. Anyway, I just got a promotion – but my buddy Moloch down at the Lava Pits Bar says that it was actually a DE-motion. I started out in Hell’s seventh circle and now I’m in the eighth – can you settle the bet for us? He’s going to set me up with this hot little succubus he knows if I win. Bob L. Zebub, Hoboken
Looks like you can pucker up, lover-beast! You should remind your friend that in Hell it’s all about DOWNWARD mobility. The numbers get higher, the pit gets lower, and your hooves get more cloven. Maybe you should buy Moloch some Dante so he can brush up…

That’s all we have time for this time, kids - but keep those letters coming…

More Horror Icon Fun by Dave Perillo

2008-10-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

This week's entry needs little introduction: the legendary chin-man, Bruce Campbell, portrayed in his most memorable role as Ash from the Evil Dead franchise.

Mr. Perillo has quite a grasp of who we want to see in cartoonized form, hmmm? To view the rest of his work, check out his blog, Montygog's Art-O-Rama.

Baa Baa Black Sheep by Doctor Dan

2008-10-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

“Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full! One for the master, one for the dame, and one for the little boy who lives down the lane.”

O.k. the first time I heard this poem as a child it messed with my head. Sheep can talk? What sort of a sheep cuts its own hair and sells it? Why does the boy need a bag of hair? So twenty something years later I see the preview for the Jonathan King film Black Sheep. Within seconds I knew that I had to see this one. Perhaps twice.

I love B movies. Why, you ask? Well, these films can’t use $500M in special effects to distract you from the fact that there is no story. Instead, B movies rely on two things: first, what little story there is being told well, and secondly, an audience who brings their own (much-needed) imagination to the mix. Black Sheep is such a movie - plenty of prototypical blood and gore, but the socio-economic political commentary makes it full of laughs as well.

And Black Sheep sets this up better than most big budget films – hear me out. Seriously, it doesn’t take much to guess what will happen to two college students when they meet a crazy guy with a chainsaw in Texas. However, when a movie showcases capitalist greed, environmental activists, mad scientists, sheep and family jealousy - all set in rural New Zealand – well, that leads to many more imaginative situations. Granted, not being from New Zealand, I may have missed some of the more subtle political satire – but I get the feeling that the idea of a human-eating sheep zombie might be universally scary. Oddly, ducks are similarly frightening, but that has nothing to do with this movie…

Black sheep is basically a story of conflicting perspectives: tradition vs. capitalist greed, technology vs. nature and carnivore vs. herbivore (And being a vegetarian myself, I found the movie long-running meat jokes hilarious). Okay, that may be a bit too serious of an analysis. A more simple breakdown might be: mutant sheep monsters represent the complicated and messed up reality that we live in, and in the end lighting our farts is the only recourse to the problems of the world (that last bit will make sense in the end, I promise).

Having little budget to waste, the movie gets right into the setup of the underlying conflict: brother vs. brother in a sibling relationship that might have made Cain and Abel jealous. Within the first five minutes (and most likely $5 of production cost) there is a classic set up of the family troubles: older bother (Angus Oldfield) kills younger brother’s (Henry Oldfield) pet sheep, then wears the carcass like he’s hosting a demonic puppet show. Then the boys’ father mysteriously kicks the bucket, so they have to stop playing dead sheep masquerade. Not too much trauma for young kids, huh? This classic setup of the twisted family dynamic is the crucial base for any good horror flick.

Cut to a shot where the younger brother (who, for some odd reason, has developed sheep-phobia) is stuck in a sea of sheep-traffic. This scene has very Hitchcockian overtones – just substitute a herd of sheep for birds. Common fears, like animals, small spaces and heights, are all something the audience can relate to – so the writer uses this chance to poke at the rampant reliance on psychotherapy to overcome daily obstacles.

Flash forward a few years. What’s changed? Well, Henry has moved away and Angus has hired a mad scientist to create a new breed of sheep. Yeah, messing with nature and “God’s design” never has any consequences in a horror movie, right? Yikes. Enter the vegetarian environmentalist wannabes, sporting the “Meat Is Murder” bumper sticker right from the establishing shot. And to further the meat/animal jokes, the girlfriend’s called “Opossum” and the dude’s name is Grant – but with the accent it might as well be pronounced “Grunt”. When they meat … I mean meet the evil scientist lady, Grunt promptly steals a jar of bio-hazardous waste from the lab as part of their plan to “free the world of genetically engineered devastation”. Wow, that’s a pretty sophisticated statement from someone who is going to become a human-sheep mutant hybrid zombie monster in a minute. Yeah, he quickly gets bitten by a dormant fetal mutant sheep preserved in the container – like you didn’t see THAT coming. But wait, there’s more – that feisty little fetus had just enough left to bite a sheep, thus ensuring TWO types of monsters in this romp. YAY! (The two monsters, for those keeping score: human-sheep hybrid zombies and human-eating mutant sheep. Try to keep track, kids!)

Meanwhile, back at the farm – obviously, Henry has to reenter the picture. He’s come home so that Angus (yes, like the beef – see, you’re starting to get the meat jokes) can buy him out of his half of the family business. But Henry then learns of Big Brother’s diabolical sheep-related scheme to take over the world (or at least the small fraction of it that’s related to sheep farming). Of course, Angus’ plan is about as likely to succeed as one cooked up by Pinky and the Brain – and much like those albino mice, his ideas will lead to a ridiculous series of events culminating in disaster and morbid levels of embarrassing failure.

At this point, Henry meets up with Tucker (his best buddy from childhood) and they go out in the fields to reminisce about the old days. But instead, the story kicks into high gear when they meet up with tree hugger chick. She attempts to get Henry over his morbid fear of sheep, which is good considering the rest of the movie is a virtual who-bites-who story.

Let’s do a quick run-down of the sheep chomping:

- Tucker gets bitten by a truck-driving mutant sheep. He gets captured by mad scientist lady and experimented on. For some genetic reason, he’s a NICE human-sheep zombie. Good for him!

- Angus gets bitten by Grunt – more on Big Bro soon!

- And Grunt - let’s not forget about his plight. To be a vegetarian while your new sheep zombie nature is telling you with every fiber of your being that you need to eat meat - so sad. But not as sad as the scene of him, in fully mutated form, being walked in on… as he is trying to shear himself. (So, dear readers, you see why I opened up with the poem? Apparently only a genetically engineered mutant hybrid zombie human-sheep can sell its hair. Kid’s poems are messed up, but at least this movie is rated R. Adults wonder why kids can’t sleep at night - I knew there was something wrong with that poem when I was five.)

From this point on, every scene features a skinned sheep, shredded human corpse or someone being eaten by zombie sheep monsters. It’s the beginning of the end of the world… or at least rural New Zealand. How will our heroes survive?!

Well, hippy chick uses a giant guilt trip to overcome her former vegetarian boyfriend. Grunt just has to be unhappy with his new carnivorous lifestyle choice, after all. I love the running meat jokes in this movie. Sheep are eating people, sheep-people are eating people and people are making people feel guilty for eating … people.

But the swirling New Zealand style insanity spiral won’t end there. The film saved all its money for the final eating frenzy at big brother's press conference. As he gives his “I’m the bad guy, here’s my evil plan” speech, he begins to bray and transforms into a mutant sheep zombie in front of potential investors. That’s gonna hurt the stock price – but not as much as when a newly revealed mutant lady-sheep calls upon the entire mutant horde to descend and consume the crowd. Suddenly there is sea of torn-off limbs, accompanied by various disembowelments in a fashion only surpassed by the final scenes of Braveheart.

One might think that the mutant human eating sheep-hybrid feeding frenzy is the apex of the movie. But grosser yet is the final confrontation of the brothers, when Angus reveals that the new breed of sheep was made with his own DNA. Yep, he’s a sheep fucker. But it doesn’t stop there. Big bro rapidly makes the transformation from man to full-blown monster and confronts Henry – and did I mention the big silly plane that’s rolling around with no pilot? And do you remember the henchman who got shredded by a propeller in the first Indiana Jones movie? Yeah, that’s the end Angus had in store for him. Until, in traditional B movie fashion, he rises from the dead to try to command the remaining sheep. Luckily, they bite off his junk instead of listening. I just wish I had been prepared – I nearly threw up. I guess people getting your twig and berries nibbled off by sheep must not be as shocking in rural New Zealand as it is in Southern New Jersey.

To finish the film with another page out of the B movie handbook: the quick resolution of remaining problems. Little bro, his new environmentalist lady friend and his best childhood friend (who has miraculously recovered from being a mutant sheep monster) blow up the remaining herd by lighting the mutant sheep farts with a Zippo (I told you that would make sense in the end). They convert the rest of the countryside back to “normality” using amniotic fluid from mutant sheep. Yup, that almost made me projectile vomit for a second time - good work, Black sheep!

I really enjoyed this flick because of the pure oddity. It froze me in place with disgust-fueled interest and then made me watch sheep eat people. It was a wonderful departure from the typical Americana horror film: 2 students + 1 psychopath + 1 bloody cleaver = scary. Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to fall asleep - and counting sheep certainly isn’t going to work anymore...

(Doctor Dan is an evil scientist from Jersey. And yes, he sometimes shares office space with Dr. Weird, but he doesn't share in his plans to destroy the ATHF. So what IS his master scheme? I can't divulge all of it, but it starts with a genetically-modified corn chip that's 100-feet tall that will terrorize downtown Hoboken. The rest is too frighteneing to even type, but rest assured, the world will bow to him. Mwah-hah-ha-ha!)

Top 10 (Worst) Vacation Spots

2008-10-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

Who needs the Triple A vacation guide? I've got some suggestions that are simply TO DIE FOR!

1. Downtown Tokyo – You may think it’s just good ironic fun going to Tokyo sporting a giant camera around your neck and wearing a Gilligan hat – but it’s anybody’s guess whether you’ll actually make it out alive. Let’s just say if you feel the ground start shaking and someone’s screaming “Gojira!”, you might want to keep moving – and AWAY from the tanks, people. Really, the only people who have any business downtown are giant shoe salesmen – and even they might want to keep away from trying to unload those snakeskin shoes (Godzooky’s been missing for month’s, and his Uncle isn’t in a playful mood…)

2. Crystal Lake – Wanted: happy campers to occupy Camp Crystal Lake (Friday The 13th) next summer, after extensive renovations. Strong swimmers, telekinetics and teenagers with no libidos are needed for camp counselors. Seriously – no sex allowed, or there will be consequences. The mother of one of the former campers has extreme prejudice on that matter. Activities include: scenic runs in the woods, target practice, wilderness survival and interpretive jazz lessons. NO HOCKEY ALLOWED.

3. Castle Rock, Maine - Once you get past the huge rabid dogs (Cujo), the collectibles shop that trades in souls (Needful Things), and the occasional vacationing novelist with extreme bipolar issues (The Dark Half), Stephen King's favorite mythical city still has lots to offer anyone with a death wish. And it's less than an hour's drive from either beautiful downtown Derry or the rustic charm of Jerusalem's Lot.

4. Sunnydale, CA – Where does the nightlife never end? Most people will answer with “NYC”, but this little Southern Cali town (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) may just surprise you. The Bronze is the local hot spot, and the internationally popular band Dingoes Ate My Baby (they’re HUGE in Japan) got their start playing there. Granted, the explosion of the High School a few years back scared some folks, but now people are flocking to town! And the boom in nighttime dentistry has been nothing short of amazing. The specialty of incisor sharpening seems odd, but the kids do like their messy hickeys. And be sure to check out The Magic Box for the biggest assortment of New Age remedies you’ve ever seen. (Reports of attacks by giant dogs, reptile men and blue-skinned “demons” are absurd, so just ignore them and follow the Zagat guide’s recommendations for fine cuisine…)

5. Springwood, Ohio – And talk about a city that never sleeps (Nightmare on Elm Street) - there used to be a huge run on No-Doz but now that Red Bull is in fashion, everyone’s got wings! Mr. Frederick Krueger is the local sensation – he seems to have gotten under the skin of more than one of the kids around town. The parents don’t like that idea, but I’m pretty sure they were quick to judge Elvis’ pelvis and we know how that turned out! Just watch out, kids – he’ll rip your heart out if you get too attached. They say there’s plenty of Freddy to go around, but somebody’s bound to get hurt…

6. Raccoon City - Ignoring the fact that most of the people living here have already sold their souls to the Umbrella Corporation, a corporate overlord that makes you long for morally-responsible companies like Exxon, Haliburton, or Chase, there's also the matter of the walking dead (Resident Evil). Yes, just breathing the air in Raccoon City puts the odds on you coming back as a zombie. If you actually get bitten, you'll be lucky if you come back as a zombie and not something only vaguely recognizable as a former human being. On the plus side, at least one hot European woman is known to spend most of her time there... killing anything that moves.

7. Haddonfield, Illinois – Ah, the Fall in Haddonfield (Halloween)… There’s cider donuts, entire streets lined with Jack O’Lanterns and the apple picking – don’t get me started! For the rag-tag parade though, you’ll never beat the Myers family – most of them like the “bloody corpse” theme a little too much, but you should see how cute Michael looked as a clown one year. And did you know that Druids might have actually colonized this area at the turn of the century? Of course, most folks will gloss over that in the tour brochures…

8. Rural Texas – Some people come from miles around to view the old mansions, but they’re all in decay. The real attraction is the local roadside BBQ (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) – the most tender meat you’ll ever taste. What’s the secret? Little Tommy Hewitt only accepts the best cuts, but he’ll never tell what’s in the sauce! It’s a family recipe handed down from Grampa. Trust me, you’ll be screaming about it…

9. Perfection, Nevada – You’ve played the video games, you’ve read the comics and you’ve seen the pictures – but have you seen a Graboid (Tremors) in person? I thought not. These giant underground worms can be a hell of an adversary, but Safari Jack Sawyer knows how to keep you safe! For a small fee, Jack will show you the Graboids in their natural habitat and ensure you don’t get eaten alive. As a parting gift, you can even buy a stuffed Shrieker (Graboid morphs/offspring) for the kids – how cute!

10. Fairvale, CA - If you’re going to visit, there’s no better place to stay than the Bates Motel (Psycho). It’s a quaint little strip motel that harkens back to easier times – an era of black-and-white movies at the drive-in, close-knit nuclear families and malted milk shakes at the soda shoppe. What are the perks? Well, the proprietor will cook you dinner, the ice machine is always full and the water pressure is excellent – plus, there are free taxidermy classes. (Ignore the one-star rating from Marion_1960 on the web site – the peephole has been plugged up and the shower curtains have all been replaced, so don’t let that deter you!)

Remember - the economy doesn't have to slow down your travel itinerary! For no cost at all, I'm pretty sure most of these places would love to have you for dinner...

Internalized Terrors by Virtual Stranger

2008-10-14T07:58:00.000-07:00

I was terrified of everything as a kid.

No, I mean, everything. Things in the closet. Things under the bed. My youngest uncle left a short stack of DC horror comics in the car once and I had nightmares for weeks based off a five-page pastiche of Doc Savage and “The Picture of Dorian Gray.” The original Land of the Lost gave me recurring nightmares of Grumpy the rubber-puppet dinosaur looming outside my bedroom window and tearing through the walls to get me. Let’s not even talk about some of the darker episodes of Fantasy Island. It wasn’t until college, actually, when our fine host here sat me down and showed me a little British horror film called Hellraiser, that I came to realize there was a real art to horror, and it was an art I’d danced around all my life.

We all love to scream. We’re all tempted by the darkness to some extent. We like the rush of adrenaline, the evil thought indulged, and the thrill of knowing it’s not happening to me. As Mr. Farrell, my tenth grade teacher pointed out, nobody forced all those folks to go watch beheadings during the French Revolution.

El Juano mentioned werewolves, which has always been a favorite of mine. However, I think part of that appeal is a deeper, more primal fear there that we all relate to. The idea that we’re the monster. That perhaps we could do awful, horrific things, not just on purpose but maybe even with a degree of pleasure. That we’d enjoy being the monster.

A few of us on the older end of the spectrum were introduced to this idea through the television plight of Doctor David Banner (physician/ scientist) searching for a way to unlock the hidden strength that all humans have. But an accidental overdose of radiation altered his body chemistry, and when Doctor Banner grew angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurred. Of course, in its own savage, scary way, we all knew the Hulk was a force for good, and it wasn’t until most of us got a bit older that we learned about the earlier doctor who had experimented with separating himself into two people.

As the story goes, Robert Louis Stevenson scribbled out The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde over three days in 1886 to help cover his late rent. However, when his wife read the first draft the idea of it horrified and disgusted her so much that Stevenson burned the manuscript in the fireplace—then rewrote it from memory a few days later. The novella became an instant classic, a major play, one of the first full-length silent films, and then one of the first talkies. It’s still in print today in a variety of editions.

(By the way, if you haven’t seen it, last year the BBC put out a fantastic miniseries called Jekyll starring James Nesbitt that will really make you think about your dark side. Plus it’s got a pre-Bionic Woman Michelle Ryan as the good doctor’s faithful and fashion-conscious assistant)

Jekyll & Hyde rocked the Victorian world with the simple idea that a man could be two people at once—a saint in public but a sinner behind the curtains (fun fact—in the original story this was the big third act twist that horrified people, that Jekyll and Hyde were two sides of the same man. It’s a mystery novel up until then). It tapped into a primal, societal fear that most of us still have today. Anyone who’s ever lost their temper has wondered how far they could lose it. We’ve all felt the temptation to have one more drink or take the evening a little farther than we should. And most of us have a dim understanding of what we’d be willing to do if someone we loved was in danger.

That’s what Stevenson found, and what we all worry about on one level or another. The idea that we could kill, cheat, and destroy without a thought. Worse yet, we’d probably enjoy doing it. Wouldn’t it be fun to beat the crap out of that guy who talked through the whole movie? To ram that jackass who cut you off and made you miss your freeway exit?

The worst monsters come from inside, because Hyde and the werewolf are the monsters that are us.

(Virtual Stranger is the first guest writer in our big horror crossover. He's one of the few people participating who actually writes for a living - crazy! And he owns one of those wacky Hellraiser Rubik's Cubes - supposedly, the Cenobites come bearing jelly donuts when he calls them. Do they fear his might? Are they weird Canadian demons with tooks and a sugar fetish? Who knows - but you should check out his blog for more answers. Why he's slumming it here, I'll never know...)

Horror Icons by Dave Perillo

2008-10-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

As often happens when looking for something on the interweb, I found something even more groovy. Sometime around Halloween last year, I stumbled across Dave Perillo's blog (Montygog's Art-O-Rama) - and as luck would have it, he was doing a Horror Icons series at the time.

As you can see, his cartoonish style works oddly well with the freakish characters he portrays - but he doesn't just draw upon the scaries for his inspiration. If you explore his blog, you'll find superheroes, TV stars and a variety of recurring characters from your childhood. And he's been nice enough to share his playground with us for the month - I'll be showcasing one of his horror pieces every week.

But trust me, that's not enough. For a good sampling of Mr. Perillo's work check out his blog, where he has a treasure trove of illustrations. Then come back here for some more scary fun...

Stupid Sequel Ideas: Cabin Fever 2 – Spring Fever

2008-10-10T08:09:00.001-07:00

Okay, I understood the basic idea for the original Cabin Fever. You see, Eli Roth (the writer/director/producer of the first outing) supposedly had a case of that scary ol’ necrotizing fasciitis (flesh-eating disease) himself, but he obviously recovered. That experience translated to a horror movie which exaggerated his experience to the Nth degree, added in some gratuitous nudity and became a surprising cult classic. Why so surprising? Well, the lack of anything resembling a plot stringing together the scenes of boob shots, partying and gore generally doesn’t bother me – I’m a horror fan, after all.

But letting your girlfriend rot in the shed because you’re scared of catching her flesh-eating cooties only to later beat her to death with a shovel? Yes, this was supposed to be loosely based on that “what if” paranoia about what you’d do if faced with such a crisis. I can see the panicking – but did Eli Roth really think a spade to the head was the best reaction you could expect? I mean, he already got the shot where her face was half eaten away, did he need the additional bludgeoning?

Whatever – let’s move on to my second problem, the inbred hicks. We’ll start with the long-haired slow kid who sat outside the general store – was his battle cry of “Pancakes!” a crazy homage to The Tick and his nonsensical “Spoon!” exclamation? Or did it just MAKE NO SENSE?! And the fact that the kid seemed to have some wicked Tard Fu moves, complete with spinning kicks, made it a bigger head-scratcher. I’m guessing this was supposed to be an injection of the comic relief, but dang. And the rest of the hicks? After the Kung Fu Pancake Kid got infected (he likes to bite - how cute), they decided to go after the evil city folk. Clem turns to Jed and says: “Bring out The Kit!” And out comes a small wooden box, which they carry with them for the rest of their short lives. It added an element of mystery - finally, something to tie the story together. Was there a weapon inside? Or maybe they had the antidote to this thing the whole time? Marsellus Wallace’s soul? Well guess what – all the rednecks die, and still no glimpse inside! Movie…so…bad…

Oh, and did I mention that you never find out what started the outbreak? But thankfully, the parting shot of a delivery truck carrying locally bottled (and deliciously infected) spring water out of town ensured a sequel - which brings us to the next travesty. The plot of this new stinker: a high school prom faces a problem worse than the Electric Slide when the aforementioned bottled water is the big drink of the evening. Yeah, kids love drinking water on prom night – no holes in the story there…

As bad as I found the first Fever, at least Eli Roth had a vision – and more people liked this movie than I found possible. And even if you hated the flick, you recognized that Roth had a future in the industry (like with his other gooey cult fave, Hostel), so you could respect him. The fact that he has no part in this sequel should raise a few red flags. Spring Break will be a huge steaming pile at best – and I bet I still never find out what was in The Kit. But somehow, I’ll find the will to go on…

(This was scheduled for a 2008 release, but with no firm date as yet I'd bet on 2009. And with any karmic justice, a direct-to-DVD status.)

October Is Horror Month On Juano's Addiction - And Beyond

2008-10-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

What’s your secret fear? No, Wall Street doesn’t count – and that’s not exactly secret, lately. I mean, what really creeps you out? Think back to when you were a kid, snuggling up under the winter blankets trying to nod off to sleep – what was it that kept you from that peaceful slumber every night? Was it the thought of the faceless monster under your bed – or something more specific?

Werewolves. That was mine. I accidentally saw a scene from some stupid werewolf movie when I was a kid, with cheesy effects showing a guy turning into a hairy beast. I might’ve peed a little. A child’s imagination, you see, can easily cover up for lousy latex and makeup. From then on, I worried about The Curse – I mean, what if I got chomped on by one of these furry creatures and was turned? In my prayers every night, right after asking God to keep my parents safe and healthy, I would ask (very politely) to not be eaten by/turned into a werewolf. Irrational? Sure. But how many 5-year-olds have you been hanging out with who are the picture of sanity?

Obviously, I moved on. Eventually I realized that it was just a movie. And that I needed to see more. You see, there’s a fine line between terror and exhilaration – and both sides of that tightrope share the same adrenaline rush. Suddenly, I couldn’t get enough. The local video store didn’t seem to care that (in my early teens) I looked way to young to be renting Alien or Friday The 13th part whatever, so I had no problem watching. Okay, occasionally my hands might have been over my eyes – but I loved that fear. I tamed it and embraced it.

And suddenly, the month of October took on a whole new meaning. It was the buildup to the bestest holiday EVER – Halloween! Candy schmandy, I wanted to be scared – I glutted myself on the finest crappy B-movies I could get my hands on. And the tradition continues. This month in Juano’s Addiction, I will be sharing my space with some friends who feel the same way, building to the frenzied Friday finale on October 31st. We’ll explore the macabre, in all its gooey, gory (and sometimes goofy) glory. There will be lists, reviews and general insanity. Some will be here, and some will be posted on the writers’ own pages (with handy links provided, of course). So stick with us and check back often – it’s gonna be a helluva ride…

Hardcore Superstar - A Hockey Fan's Dream Band?

2008-10-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so imagine Guns’N’Roses slipped a roofie into Metallica’s Heineken back in the ‘80s. I mean, you must have always wondered what would happen if a thrash band and a sleazy glam band had a baby, right? Well, Hardcore Superstar sure did – and their ferocious blending of the two styles is the result. They call it sleaze metal, a new breed of rock with more double bass drum kicks and crunchy guitar than your average denim and leather clad aficionado could handle. Add in lyrics that you can actually understand – and strangely, harmonies that could actually inspire crowd sing-alongs – and you’ve got the basic idea. Call it what you will, but these Swedish rockers are reinventing the ‘80s metal sound.

You want to know what the NHL calls them? Good for ratings, apparently. They invited the band to open their premiere last night (October 4th), which pitted the Ottawa Senators against the Pittsburgh Penguins at the Globe Arena in Stockholm (Penguins won in OT, 4-3, in case you were wondering). The guys must have felt right at home in their capital city – which is good, since their performance reached 100 million viewers in 100 countries worldwide, so no pressure or anything. Their two-song set ended with “We Don’t Celebrate Sundays Anymore”, a song off of their self-titled 2005 release. And could there be a better audience than the originators of “hockey hair” themselves? Hardcore Superstar may just have rocked the mullets right off these poor bastards…

For more info about this global sensation, check out their web site. Did anyone see them before the game? Post a comment…

The Best of Fall TV - Part 7 (Friday Nights)

2008-10-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve got to say it again – check out Life on NBC tonight. Its premiere on Monday was both creepy and funny, and Charlie Crews is one of the best protagonists on TV. Anyway, on to the rest of the Friday night picks…

1. The Ex List (CBS) – (Starts Tonight) Intriguing premise: woman goes to a psychic, who tells her that she has already dated her one true love, and if she doesn’t marry him within the next year she is doomed to the single life forever. The problem for this as a weekly TV series: how many guys did this girl date? If we’re looking for this to be an ongoing story, with one guy per episode at an average of 20-22 episodes per network TV season…

2. Ghost Whisperer (CBS) – (Starts tonight) The show’s been on for years, so I’m assuming you know the basic plot – if not, the title’s pretty self-explanatory. What’s new, though? The fact that Melinda may soon be doing some of that special whispering with her hubbie (Jim) has the internet buzzing and CBS trying to calm fans down…

3. Secret Saturdays (Cartoon Network) – (Starts Tonight) Yes, it’s a primetime cartoon. And why the Saturdays are on the tube on Fridays… No answers for you there. So what’s it about? Well, Doc, Drew and Zak Saturday are a family of world-saving scientists called "The Secret Saturdays". They search out all the legendary “things that go bump in the night”, trying to keep humanity (and the monsters) safe. They travel the world, from ancient temples to the darkest caves – sometimes battling villains the likes of V.V. Argost, who uses his TV show (Weird World) to mask his nefarious plans. This is all set against the backdrop of your everyday family squabbles – just from an extraordinary family…

4. Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Cartoon Network) – (Starts tonight) Set between Episodes II and III, all the major players are back – just in a CGI animated kind of way. The problem I had with this whole project was twofold. First, they released the premiere for this theatrically – I understand the money-making machine that is Star Wars, but was that really necessary? My second issue is that the movie didn’t get released on DVD before the show started. It’s not that I worry about missing plotlines, but from a marketing perspective it seems a bit odd. I’m not expecting great things from this show – I’m slightly jaded from the (lack of) storytelling in Episodes I-III. But George Lucas has had me in his thrall since the seventies, so I can’t turn away now. And who knows, maybe I’ll be as pleasantly surprised as I was when the Clone Wars shorts done by Genndy Tartakovsky (Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Lab) were on a few years ago. I remain hopeful – talk to me after I’ve watched it…

That’s it for now, kids – this weekend, I’ll be unveiling my plans for world domination. Or at the very least, plans for my horror in October crossover event. Stay tuned…

The Best Of Fall TV - Part 6 (Wrapping Up Wednesday Nights)

2008-10-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

Not much left for Wednesdays, and one of these almost doesn’t count – you’ll see what I mean…

1. Pushing Daisies (ABC) – (Starts tonight) I’ve gushed enough about this show at the end of the last season (Don’t believe me? Check here.), so I’ll spare the synopsis. So where did we leave off last year? Let’s see – Chuck’s forgiven the Piemaker for accidentally killing her father when he brought his own mother back from the dead. Oh yeah, and a drugged up Lily reveals that she is actually Chuck’s mother. Huh – didn’t see that one coming. Tonight, the unlucky murder victim of the week is Kentucky Fitz, who died in a tragic bee-related incident. It’s a good thing Chuck has that bee-keeping suit then, isn’t it? Don’t miss out on your second chance to jump onboard this show – beyond the fact that it’s one of the most visually stunning shows you’ll ever see, the adult fairytale that’s unfolding is one of the most sweetly funny things on TV. (Oh, and you could just get the Season 1 DVD set here to catch up.)

2. Friday Night Lights (DirecTV) – (Starts tonight – for some of us) What pisses me off more: the fact that this fantastic show is on a channel I can’t receive without switching providers, the idea that the show won’t replay on its original home on NBC ‘til Spring, or the knowledge that even when it finally does play on NBC, the episodes will be trimmed down (there are “DirecTV exclusives” in the first airings, essentially extra scenes that won’t show up in the replay)? I’m going to go with “D”, all of the above. Grrrrr – we’ll talk more in the Spring, kids…

3. South Park (Comedy Central) – (Starts October 8th) What hijinks will the kids get into this year? Only time will tell, but let’s hope that the show is ready to take on some of the lousy political and economic situations going on around us. At its best, the show has given us a good look at current topics, simplifying it to a ridiculous degree, and often showing us how stupid it all is. The episode where the kids went to Afghanistan and did the old Bugs Bunny/Elmer Fudd routine substituting Cartman and Bin Laden was a bit of genius. Now if we can just get Parker and Stone to keep away from the dookie jokes and get back to that brand of storytelling, I bet there’s a Roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote gag with Obama and McCain somewhere in there…

The premiere grid, should you still need it, is here.

The Best Of Fall TV - Part 5 (Tuesday Nights)

2008-09-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I’ve been slacking on the Tuesday TV schedule – so let’s jump in and get through this quick and easy, like pulling off a Band-aid…

1. Fringe (Fox) – (Started September 9th) J.J. Abrams seems to have a pattern for picking his leads: one cute female (relatively unknown) and one attractive male, preferably from some kind of show that had a teenybopper audience – possibly add in a dash of comic relief to spice things up. In this show, the hot mama in question is Anna Torv (playing FBI Agent Olivia Dunham), the hunkey man-type is Joshua Jackson (formerly of Dawson’s Creek fame – playing super-smart Peter Bishop) and John Noble (playing Dr. Walter Bishop – Peter’s father, also ridiculously intelligent, and nutty as a squirrel turd – thus the comic relief). (If you’re wondering what the parallels are, in LOST their counterparts would be Evangeline Lilly, Matthew Fox (previously of Party of Five) and Jorge Garcia (Hurley – not wicked smaht, but equally funny.)) What you’ve missed so far: melting people on a plane, rapidly aging serial killers and psychic lab experiments – oh, and they pulled the eye out of a corpse to do… oh, I forget, but it was pretty gross. What could sink this show? Right now, Fox is actually doing a pretty decent job promoting Fringe, so they’re not a problem – yet. But if they don’t let Olivia get over her dead ex soon and start to crack a smile? Even the crazytown antics of Dr. Bishop won’t be enough to lighten the mood after a while. We need levity injected into a show with such a serious backstory. Final words: the shadowy conspiracy in this mythology series has a name: The Pattern. Oooooh, the evil pattern. Is it the government? The scary corporate scientists? Needlework designs fom Hell? I’ll never tell - XOXO.

2. The Mentalist (CBS) – (Started September 23rd) Patrick Jane works as an independent detective who uses his honed observation skills to assist law enforcement in solving crimes. Add a spunky sidekick in the pharmaceutical biz, a spunky female cop as a love interest and a head detective nicknamed Lassie? Yeah, isn’t this already a show on USA called Psych? Oh, but this one isn’t supposed to be funny? Okay. Worth checking out, but if you have to choose between this and House – not sure how many will tune in…

3. House (Fox) – (Started September 16th) So, Dr. Wilson may or may not blame House for the death of his girlfriend – but he definitely doesn’t want to be friends anymore, so he’s moved away. A character replacement that seems to be working oddly well? The private detective House hired to get background dirt on his patients – oh, and he hired him to spy on Wilson, but that’s really no surprise. And yes, the new team is still intact (Foreman, Thirteen, that guy from Harold & Kumar and the cranky ex-plastic surgeon). Also still going strong – the weekly lumbar puncture, House’s crankiness/general insanity and a steady increase in the amount of gross and gooey procedures. Bottom line: if you don’t know how good House is by now, we may need a psych consult – or another L.P. just to be safe…

4. The Shield (FX) – (Started September 2nd) Whether or not you agree with Vic Mackey’s strongarm politics, he’s always gotten the job done. Granted, he might’ve burnt some people’s faces off along the way, and maybe he stole a truckload of money from the Russian mob – nobody’s perfect. The thing to remember about this show, though? This is one of the cable network successes that proved that original scripted programs could exist beyond the major networks. AND they could be just as edgy as anything on HBO or Showtime. So give this show some love – it’s the final season, and I’m betting they don’t bow out quietly.

5. Eli Stone (ABC) – (Starts October 14th) A mid-season replacement from last year that came out with a success story – a pickup for season 2! And there are few shows as deserving – the quirky dramedy about a lawyer whose George Michael-centric hallucinations turn him into a modern-day prophet is funny, well written and populated with a fantastic cast. Jump on board when it starts up again – I’m sure the “Previously On” voiceover guy will tell you anything you missed – just a hunch.

See you soon for more – but not much more, we’re almost caught up. Again, for the full premiere grid go here.